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Mark Penn To Shove Money Into His Pants For Charlie Crist

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As good a time as any to blue-shell Mark Penn.Oh, this is fun: Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s former fat Komodo dragon advisor, and “Bride of Mark Penn” are hosting a fundraiser at their Washington home for Charlie Crist. Charlie Crist, you remember, used to be a Republican, and Mark Penn used to be a pile of lizard poop upon which some nuclear waste leaked. Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance?

Kendrick Meek should really move to another state and become its senator, because he is apparently too normal for Florida. What is going on with this election? It is just a compost pile of odd and crazy ideas.

But the real question is, at what point in the evening will Charlie Crist unwrap his turban to reveal that near-dead Mark Penn’s life force has fused with Crist, creating a Mark Penn face where the back of Charlie Crist’s head used to be? And then will Charlie Crist’s campaign have to pay royalties to that pulp queen J.K. Rowling? [St. Petersburg Times]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Neilist

    Jack, you raise an interesting question: Who would be the best Lady MacBeth?:

    (1) Hillary.

    (2) Charlie.

    (3) Mark.

    (4) All of the above.

    “The Queen is dead, my lord.”

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    Sseems like a comfortable fit. Crist should be used to people and other objects slathered in crisco.

  • Limeylizzie

    I am feeling really unwell as I realise that there is a Mrs.Mark Penn, and that some poor bint has to suffer as that bloated turd tries and tries to achieve sexual congress with her.

  • weejee

    [re=634829]Neilist[/re]: Mark Penn has caught teh ghey?

  • JMP

    And Crist had apparently been doing well in the polls. Doesn’t he know that Penn ruins any campaign he joins?

    [re=634834]Limeylizzie[/re]: Maybe it will comfort you to know, while there is a Mrs. Charlies Crist, she has never had to deal with his orange self trying to achieve sexual congress with her.

  • stew

    Speaking of sexual congress (with drugs and kidnapping thrown in):

    The segues will only get worse…

  • mumblyjoe

    Dammit, now I have the image of Mark Penn and Ben Nelson racing go-karts or having a fist-fight, or maybe tennis or golf or something. It would literally be the shittiest video game premise ever.

  • ella

    [re=634834]Limeylizzie[/re]: Perhaps their sexual congress is in recess.

  • Babs Johnson
  • mumblyjoe

    [re=634849]mumblyjoe[/re]: Actually, wait, the fist-fight thing might be okay, actually. Both of their characters suck, though, actually, so maybe not.

  • oh hi mark

    Instead of using a blue shell, could we use a poison mushroom?

  • Extemporanus

    If you ever attend one of Mark Penn’s D.C. key parties, DO NOT take the Metro — those without car keys have to pull a train with self-important sweat mongers who always seem to conveniently miss their “stop”.

    And don’t even get me started on the topic of “transfers”…

  • Zadig

    [re=634849]mumblyjoe[/re]: Who would Luigi be, in this metaphor? Biden?

  • Mr Blifil

    Where is Waluigi in all this?

  • TGY

    [re=634850]ella[/re]: Deadlocked.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=634844]JMP[/re]: Mark Penn truly does have “The Minus Touch”.

    [re=634846]stew[/re]: “‘I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.'”


  • Limeylizzie

    [re=634844]JMP[/re]: I would rather have Orange Julius trying to fuck me and having to strap his penis to a toothbrush than have Mark Penn anywhere near my vagina.

  • southern mark smith

    It is just a compost pile of odd and crazy ideas.

    Does that mean that Crist is the red wiggler?

  • JMP

    [re=634856]mumblyjoe[/re]: Mark Penn would be either Mr. Resetti or the Nintendog, the assist trophies that actually hurt you to summon.

  • Guppy06

    Blue shell implies he’s in the lead, of anything.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    “Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance?”

    And will she then piss on the floor?

    “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!!”

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=634851]Babs Johnson[/re]: That’s a shame, really. I was expecting something more along the lines of Frau Blucher.

  • LittlePig

    There’s something about an Aqua Buddha man.

  • Jukesgrrl

    “It is just a compost pile of odd and crazy ideas.” That could describe all of Florida.

  • judo_zhu

    Bride of Mark Penn:

  • WriteyWriterton

    [re=634834]Limeylizzie[/re]: On the positive side, I don’t think Dick Morris is married. “‘Til toe-sucking do us part.”