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Mark Penn To Shove Money Into His Pants For Charlie Crist

As good a time as any to blue-shell Mark Penn.Oh, this is fun: Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s former fat Komodo dragon advisor, and “Bride of Mark Penn” are hosting a fundraiser at their Washington home for Charlie Crist. Charlie Crist, you remember, used to be a Republican, and Mark Penn used to be a pile of lizard poop upon which some nuclear waste leaked. Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance?

Kendrick Meek should really move to another state and become its senator, because he is apparently too normal for Florida. What is going on with this election? It is just a compost pile of odd and crazy ideas.

But the real question is, at what point in the evening will Charlie Crist unwrap his turban to reveal that near-dead Mark Penn’s life force has fused with Crist, creating a Mark Penn face where the back of Charlie Crist’s head used to be? And then will Charlie Crist’s campaign have to pay royalties to that pulp queen J.K. Rowling? [St. Petersburg Times]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Neilist

    Jack, you raise an interesting question: Who would be the best Lady MacBeth?:

    (1) Hillary.

    (2) Charlie.

    (3) Mark.

    (4) All of the above.

    “The Queen is dead, my lord.”

  2. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    Sseems like a comfortable fit. Crist should be used to people and other objects slathered in crisco.

  3. Limeylizzie

    I am feeling really unwell as I realise that there is a Mrs.Mark Penn, and that some poor bint has to suffer as that bloated turd tries and tries to achieve sexual congress with her.

  4. JMP

    And Crist had apparently been doing well in the polls. Doesn’t he know that Penn ruins any campaign he joins?

    [re=634834]Limeylizzie[/re]: Maybe it will comfort you to know, while there is a Mrs. Charlies Crist, she has never had to deal with his orange self trying to achieve sexual congress with her.

  5. mumblyjoe

    Dammit, now I have the image of Mark Penn and Ben Nelson racing go-karts or having a fist-fight, or maybe tennis or golf or something. It would literally be the shittiest video game premise ever.

  6. mumblyjoe

    [re=634849]mumblyjoe[/re]: Actually, wait, the fist-fight thing might be okay, actually. Both of their characters suck, though, actually, so maybe not.

  7. Extemporanus

    If you ever attend one of Mark Penn’s D.C. key parties, DO NOT take the Metro — those without car keys have to pull a train with self-important sweat mongers who always seem to conveniently miss their “stop”.

    And don’t even get me started on the topic of “transfers”…

  8. Extemporanus

    [re=634844]JMP[/re]: Mark Penn truly does have “The Minus Touch”.

    [re=634846]stew[/re]: “‘I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.'”


  9. Limeylizzie

    [re=634844]JMP[/re]: I would rather have Orange Julius trying to fuck me and having to strap his penis to a toothbrush than have Mark Penn anywhere near my vagina.

  10. JMP

    [re=634856]mumblyjoe[/re]: Mark Penn would be either Mr. Resetti or the Nintendog, the assist trophies that actually hurt you to summon.

  11. Baldar T Flagass

    “Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance?”

    And will she then piss on the floor?

    “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!!”

  12. Jukesgrrl

    “It is just a compost pile of odd and crazy ideas.” That could describe all of Florida.

  13. WriteyWriterton

    [re=634834]Limeylizzie[/re]: On the positive side, I don’t think Dick Morris is married. “‘Til toe-sucking do us part.”

Comments are closed.