Just put a dog in a cage on the roof and you're ready to go.
Hilarious 2008 character Mitt Romney has been bringing bags of money to Republican candidates across the nation, but he’s still a GOP nobody compared to such right-wing celebrities as Snowbilly Sarah Palin and sociopathic opportunist Newt Gingrich. Why can’t Mittens just be an ignorant bigot like they are, and bash the Muslims and Mexicans and whatever? Experts say it’s because, in many ways, Mitt Romney is not very different from a Mexican Muslim himself!

Mitt is actually descended from the Romney Mormon Polygamist Compound deep in “South of the Border” Mexico, which is where polygamist Mormons escaped to, when they ran from America’s Values. Anything that reminds dingbat wingnut Christians that Mittens is “different down there” will just make his 2012 primary run end sooner. So he sought another gimmick that might really fire up the Teabaggers or whatever, and that’s when one of his consultants on Wall Street suggested he might want to be photographed driving a pickup truck around, in New Hampshire, because Teabagger hero Scott Brown did that once, in Massachusetts — before the entire Teabagger Nation violently turned against him, for being a Taxachusetts moderate.

The Boston Herald reports:

Former Bay State Gov. Mitt Romney already has the Scott Brown pickup truck theme going. The likely 2012 presidential contender rolled up to a New Hampshire fund-raiser in a Chevy pickup — taking a page from the Senate’s newest GOP all-star.

“What, did he borrow it from (U.S. Sen.) Scott Brown?” said Andrew Smith, director of the University of New Hampshire’s political survey center. “It’s funny, because out of all the Republican candidates running for president, (Romney’s) the one that is probably the least ‘of the people.'”

Romney’s drone army of press representatives said that is just untrue, because Mittens always drives his truck around, inside his private jets, so he can “hitch a boat trailer or take things to the dump.” You know, like his presidential chances. [Boston Herald]

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  1. (Southern crowd grows surly after Mittens is unable to answer basic torque and towing capacity questions concerning his truck)

    “Fuck all y’all, I got my own planet waiting for me in the afterlife!”

  2. He going to need to decorate that pick-up with handmade signs telling off coons and tax collectors, along with a picture of Calvin pissing on Obama, if he expect to really fire up the base.

  3. [re=634696]ManchuCandidate[/re]: If he’s willing to jump the Snake River Canyon in a shopping cart, I could give him a slight nudge and film the results with my camera-phone.

  4. All these Rethugs and their manly pursuits. Gun shootin’, truck drivin’ Real ‘Murikan faux good ole boys.

    Unfortunately for Mittens, he still looks like, (well, and IS), a rich asshole politician from central casting.

  5. Why do people suspect the man who suddenly changed his mind on abortion and gay rights in 2007 of just putting on pretense to appeal to the Republican base?

  6. Republicans. They won with a darkie? Let’s get ourselves our own darkie, made of Steele. Trucks win senate seats? Let’s get ourselves a truck! With nutz.

  7. Mittens really doesn’t understand what makes an evangelical fundamentalist GOP-er tick, does he? “Well, he believes that my bible is incomplete without the Book of Mormon, and he believes that Jesus and Satan are brothers, and he believes that you can baptize people’s relatives to get ’em out of hell after they die, but hey! He drives a Chevy pickup! He’s got my vote!”

    Nope, Mitt, it ain’t going to work like that. You could fucking convert to fundie tomorrow and it STILL might not be enough, because you’d have a history of believing all the wrong, goofy stuff.

  8. Mitt’s really projecting an image of the man of the people in his — um — jet black, unscratched Chevy Silverado Supercab with brushed leather seats, tinted windows, fully automatic digital everything, mobile hotspot and satellite radio. He should lose the chauffeur though — or at least put him in flannel livery.

  9. I suspect that Mitt Romney looks to the example of John F Kennedy, who overcame huge religious obstacles to winning the presidency. But, sadly, his reasoning is fatally flawed in that he forgets that the bloc of voters he crucially needs are the very ones who would have been unmoved by Kennedy’s appeals. The only voters who’d be willing to overlook his religious beliefs are the ones he seems not to care about wooing.

  10. Why do people forget so quickly? The pickup truck is Fred Thompson’s schtick. Scotty Brown had to pay royalty to Thompson, and now the Mittster will too. This is good news for Fred because trophy wives are expensive to take care of.

  11. I bet he’s one of those pick-up owners who freak the fuck out if you toss some garbage in the back of their truck because you might scratch the precious bed-liner. There’s lots of these particular morans in OK. My favorites are the ones that pay $1000 extra for the shiny bed cover that renders the truck useless for its intended purpose. There’s usually lots of extra spoilers and lights and shit too.

    It’s usually a by-product of buying a status symbol of patriotic, gas-guzzling freedom instead of a practical work vehicle. What would Mittens actually haul anyway? Dog carcasses? Magic underpants? Golden tablets? Leftover hair glue bottles? The mind reels.

  12. [re=634713]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:

    because you’d have a history of believing all the wrong, goofy stuff.

    Yeah! Mittens needs to believe the right, goofy stuff like them thar fundies.

  13. So, if I run for office, I can use my campaign contributions to buy me a new, tricked-out pickup if I use it as a gimmick to appeal to idiots? Sign me up! Hell, I’ll even spring for some red, white, and blue Trucknutz.

  14. [re=634736]rottenart[/re]:
    Exactly. When I was a kid living in gooberville, a pickup truck was supposed to be dirty, rusty and used to haul manure.

    In Mitten’s case, the manure is usually sitting in the driver’s seat.

  15. [re=634736]rottenart[/re]: “It’s usually a by-product of buying a status symbol of patriotic, gas-guzzling freedom instead of a practical work vehicle. What would Mittens actually haul anyway? Dog carcasses? Magic underpants? Golden tablets? Leftover hair glue bottles? The mind reels.”

    This made me laugh so loud my cube-farm compatriots thought I had a stroke or something. WIN

  16. [re=634786]DemmeFatale[/re]: I just love that picture of Santorum’s retarded (thats my diagnosis) home-schooled amish-dressed crying daughter.

  17. Wow, Mitt’s g-g-grandfather was Parley P. Pratt. Got himself stabbed in Arkansas by the ex-husband of one of his wives. Pratt’s murder had the Mormons ticked off at everybody from Arkansas and played a part in the Mountain Meadows Massacre, the Fancher party being from there. Mitt’s got a part in Big Love!

  18. When Mittens pops a pinch of skoal in his cheek and stands behind the door to take a leak, it might fly with the bubbas. As it stands, even the dumbest shit kicker traipsing around on this planet is gonna read the false “sincerity, integrity and man of the people” gig and laugh hysterically. Not even a stringer of bass and a twelve pack is going to make this sale.

  19. [re=634736]rottenart[/re]: Thank you. I’m with you on this. If I ever decided to accessorize my commie prius driveway with a truck it would be a fucking real one. a) large enough to haul uncut plywood and drywall sheets and b) beaten all to hell and tarnashun so that I didn’t give a crap what happened to it next. c) also it would be nice if it roared and shook the passenger compartment when you pushed the accelerator, I kinda miss that.

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