Just a few weeks ago, the FLOTUS community was forced to defend its heroine against fashion expert Glenn Beck after he compared our First Lady to famous cake-eating French Lady Marie Antoinette. Now, Michelle Obama is under attack once again, this time because she decided to go on vacation in Spain instead of at the Mall of America or Cheese Whiz Factory, and that was so unpatriotic of her, because of the recession. But thankfully none of that matters now because Michelle is on the cover of the September issue of Ladies’ Home Journal and has given an interview in which she tells us everything from the meaning of the “beet gene” to why Malia won’t be getting gastric bypass surgery for her Super Sweet 16.
There is really no need to purchase this issue of Ladies’ Home Journal except to cut out the cover and hang it on your wall, because our Nation’s Newspaper has done us all a favor and printed details of the interview online, among its other pieces of Fine Journalism. Here we learn that sometimes when FLOTUS accidentally eats candy, she goes on Islamic “cleanses” to expel the toxins from her body. But her vegetable cleanses never include beets, because of some sort of terrible medical defect.
“I am a believer there is a beet gene. People who love beets love them and people who hate beets can’t stand them. Neither the President nor I have the beet gene. And there are a lot of healthy things my kids don’t like. But our rule is, ‘you’ve got to finish your vegetables.’”
If Michelle were the only Obama with this genetic beet disorder, by now it would have been the new Acid Reflux Disease, or gluten allergy! But of course that totally unpopular Barack person had to have it too, and now it’s probably just something the African doctors inject into your bloodstream at birth, like AIDS, so you can give it to your wife and children. Since our fabulous FLOTUS has tragically been infected, there is nothing we can do for her now except pray that her workouts and diet regimen keep her on track to a healthy life, without beets.
Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.
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I hated beets as a kid, but I like them now. I still don’t like borsht, though. Do genes change as you get older? I guess they do. Science is hard!
When beets are outlawed, only outlaws will have bat wing arms in their sleeveless, godless dresses from not eating beets.
[re=634600]Larry McAwful[/re: Yes they do. One example is that of lactose intolerance as an adult. Most animals drink milk as babies, but can’t as adults. Humans are the only one that still does…unless your genes for breaking down lactose stop working (as they are supposed to). Turns out those who can drink milk are the real mutants.
But I don’t think there is a beet gene.
OOps, forgot to put fart in the last posting. It is “Put Farts and Logs Back in the Blogs” Day. So feel free to put poopy jokes “in parenthesis” for the whole day.
She’s being coy. The “beet gene” thing has to do more with the amount of red stuff you excrete when you’re done digesting the damned things. Some people can process the red chemicals in there, some people just shit blood. Feed your family a big bellyful of this “tracer food” and find out for sure!
–Dr Steve Brule
I call bullshit. All commies love beets.
[re=634600]Larry McAwful[/re]: Borscht rocks, especially with black bread, pickles, and vodka. To kill the taste, you know. Also, taste buds die off as we age (or are beaten into submission), so we like crap that tastes like shit. Well known fact.
Beets are a red-colored, foreign vegetable. Enuff said.
Well, without snark, there is a genetic basis for tasting the bitterness in vegetables. Some of us are lucky enough to have a double recessive gene so that vegetables really do taste horrible (brussel sprouts, asparagus, etc.). Whether beets are included or not, I don’t know, but in all of Scandinavia, that’s sugar.
Now, the beater gene, on the other hand, is well known. It makes one settle in New Jersey and wear a t-shirt with shortened sleeves to show off one’s biceps.
I leik beets.
As someone who loves Michelle but finds beets to be kind of OK but not that good, I’m going to hate to she’s wrong on the love-them-or-hate-them thing.
Prediction: Wingnuts will will now be extolling the patriotism of beets. There will be beet flags at bagger rallies.
There goes the Beet Growers Association vote. (Good riddance, I say)
[re=634624]freakishlystrong[/re]: Sarah will be the first to tweet on beets.
Everything tastes like ashes anyway.
[re=634610]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I love me the beetroot, as we Limeys call them, and I actually enjoy the bright red pee thing , but then I also enjoy the weird asparagus pee smell.
If they get shirty about the noble, patriotic beet, they’ll be unAmerican, because the sugar cane is American. The beet is European.
[re=634635]Limeylizzie[/re]: And where do you fall on the various excretory effects of dried apricots?
What does Dwight Schrute have to say about this?
I like beets. Beets are terrific. Why does Michelle find it so necessary to criticize me in public? Is the beet gene like the elusive gay gene? Are you going to go flaunting it around that you and Barry don’t have the gay gene too, Michelle?
[re=634620]JMP[/re]: Me too — I don’t really understand (or care to understand) the beet. Like the rutabaga and the turnip, it’s just one of those root vegetables I’ve never really gotten into, but I don’t hate it either. And this is in spite of being in a band called the Beethawks way back when — beethawk being my gf’s and my name for red-tailed hawks, which we actually managed to convince a few people preyed on beets, then were hunted to near-extinction by beet farmers who didn’t realize the misunderstood beethawk was actually strengthening the crop by preying on the sick and the weak. But I had lots more free time back then.
[re=634649]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Never had any adverse reaction to a dried apricot.
Wait a minute! Does anyone else catch the “Mommie Dearest” implications here? Michelle and Hopey say “You girls have to eat every last vegetable on your plate, even if it gags you, except beets of course, because beets are NASTY!”
Also, put me down in the “Beets are awesome” column.
[re=634690]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That is one involved ruse. I’d buy it.
Although I have to say that turnips are in the “hate” column doubleplus for me. Once my Mom tried to trick my father and me by telling us they were potatoes. We were not fooled as we struggled to gnaw through the flavorless hunks of gross.
Fuck turnips.
[re=634647]Geogre[/re]: Well, if you’re an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? That’s right. Yer a peein’!
For more information on the benefits, importance and history of the beet, you all should read Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. You really should. It is to beets what Moby Dick is to whales, but with lots more sex, drugs, world travel and immortality. Well, maybe not more world travel, come to think of it.
-beetlover Gurukalehuru
[re=634617]Geogre[/re]: There is a gene for smelling ‘processed’ asparagus. About 50% of the US population can smell asparagus in the urine.
I like beets and asparagus, but my father told me that Brussels Sprouts and broccoli cause cancer, so I won’t touch them.
The noble beet has the highest protein content of any vegetable. But, when the beet was introduced to Russia, most peasants refused to farm them until a few visionary landlords applied certain, ah, forceful measures to make them overcome their prejudice. Now, everybody in Russia eats beets like there’s no tomorrow. Just sayin’.
… and the beet goes on.
Muh daddy used to eat borscht w/ sour cream. The juxtaposition of the purple w/ the white was awful, like Northwestern University football in most years.
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