check 'yes' for crazy

PAC Questionnaire Collects Some More of Sharron Angle’s Fun Beliefs

Is this is the button I hit to check 'yes' on everything?The AP obtained a PAC questionnaire filled out by Sharron Angle, and surprisingly, it reveals that she has some interesting beliefs! The questionnaire had 36 questions and boxes to mark “yes” or “no,” so thankfully it was easy for Sharron Angle to fill out. The PAC “Government Is Not God” has endorsed her campaign. Government Is Not God sounds like it is against lawmaking based on religion, but they are apparently dumb, because it’s really the opposite; they say they seek “the election to Congress of men and women who hold conservative beliefs on both moral and economic issues.” So “God Should Be Government” would be a better name. Anyway, they have some fun ideas about social policies (especially involving the gays!) and Sharron Angle answered “yes” to every one of their questions.

“2. Do you believe that an unborn child is a person under the 14th amendment?” Yes she does! So fetuses are American citizens, apparently. (Unless they’re Messican fetuses.)

“11. Do you oppose adding ‘sexual orientation’ as a protected minority under existing civil rights laws?” Yes she does! Civil rights are not an entitlement. Only special kinds of people should get them.

“12. Do you oppose laws allowing homosexuals to adopt children?” Yes she does! Haha, orphans! You want to exit the foster system and be part of a family that loves you? WELL GET OFF YER ASS AND FIND SOME STRAIGHT PARENTS THAT WANT YOU. If you can’t, you obviously aren’t cute enough, and nobody should ever love you.

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“13. Do you favor laws that restrict the production, sale, and distribution of pornography?” Yes she does! ERNEST J. PAGELS, JR. LIVES!

“16. Do you support the right of students and teachers to publicly acknowledge the Creator?” Yes she does! But it doesn’t specify which “Creator,” so PRAISE TARVU!

“18. Should federal involvement in public education be eliminated, including eliminating the U.S. Department of Education?” Yes it should! If you can’t afford to go to a Jesus school, children, you don’t deserve to have an education. Hooray, ending hundreds of years of social progress!

“22. Do you oppose federally funded school-based health clinics?” Yes she does! Have fun dying, children!

She also wouldn’t take PAC money from corporations that support “‘equal rights for gays’” and offer “benefits to ‘partners’ of homosexual employees.” Quotation marks are fun!

Asked about Angle’s answers, her spokesman Jarrod Agen said, “this nation has a long history of clergy speaking their conscience, whether you’re talking about the Founding Fathers or Martin Luther King. As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors.”

Umm, okay! That addresses only one of the questions on the form, and not one of the controversial ones, either. But nice effort, dude who has a similarly misspelled name as Sharron Angle.

To be fair, it’s obvious Sharron Angle just answered “yes” to everything without looking at the questions because she wanted this PAC’s money. Sharron Angle is bringing to the Senate the leadership of a kid who marks “C” for every answer on his Scantron sheet. [Politico, WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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62 comments

  1. SayItWithWookies

    “12. Do you oppose laws allowing homosexuals to adopt children?”

    Most definitely. They should have to buy them on the open market like Rush does.

  2. obfuscator

    most ridiculous primary season ever.

    most ridiculous primary season ever?

    most ridiculous primary season ever.

  3. ArkansasFred

    You would think with a last name like “Angle” she would be good at geometry. You would be wrong. She sucks at it.

  4. Autochthon

    I see Nevada continues to suffer from “Mad Cow” disease…

    (Say, have any of you guys told her she misspelled her first name?)

  5. notreallyhelping

    Thank God we’re finally moving away from those liberals like Alan Stang and John Birch. Introducing Senator Crash Test Dummy.

  6. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Sharron and Jarrod – the other -razy -eta-d teabagge-s called, and would like their Rs back.

  7. tencentcomic

    Would you vote for Sharon if she…
    1) wore a tin foil hat? YES
    2) wore a dress made from a “Don’t Tread on me” flag? YES
    3) was absent from Congress due to the rapture? YES
    4) was reloading before the next vote to express her REAL feelings? YES
    5) was accidently impregnated by a space alien and changed her position on abortion? YES (maybe)

  8. Baldar T Flagass

    In Question 35B, Government-is-not-God bags on Intel Corporation for treating homos like human beings. Ya gotta at least give them credit for having the courage of their convictions and boycotting anything that has anything to do with Intel, like, say, a computer. I wonder where they get the ribbons for their Smith Corona?

  9. slappypaddy

    government is not god. ging!
    god is not government. ging!

    there, that’s settled. time to do some real work for a change.

  10. Hopey dont play that game

    I love that picture. I always imagine that she is halfway through her latest upgrade with a sync cable plugged into the back of her head.

  11. Extemporanus

    [re=633750]ArkansasFred[/re]: The holy roller’s last name is actually “Angel”, but she sucks at spelling even harder than she does at geometry.

  12. queeraselvis v 2.0

    As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors.”

    And as an equally strong believer in the First Amendment, I believe that Sharron Angle is a batshit insane lunatic who really should STFU.

  13. just pixels

    This is fun to mock, but I don’t doubt she and a sizable number of Nevadans hold these beliefs sincerely. They vote and they’re motivated — very motivated. Offhand, I’d say CA prop 8 court decision makes them angry (or will as it works its way into campaign narratives).

    Demon-crats can whine about no single payer, or continuing DADT, or the war. The Republicans will not be staying home to make a point. They’re going to show up and vote.

  14. Texan Bulldoggette

    Maybe she had to answer on a Scantron (where you fill in a bubble) & she was trying to make a nice picture like those crazy kids??

  15. jus_wonderin

    Scantron? LOL. I get the feeling Sharron sniffed a few to my Memograph copies in her youth. Ditto Duplication Fluid Fridays, I think they are called.

  16. Extemporanus

    Yes…Yes…Yes…Yes…Yes…Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! YES!! YES!! YES!! YES!! YES!! YES!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YESSS!!! YESSS!!! YEESSSS!!! OH GOD YEEEEESSSSS!!!!

  17. germansteel

    The jury is still out for me on the question of who it says the most about when you know that this ding-a-ling is within shouting distance of the Democratic Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate: the people of Nevvada or that hang-dog mumbler, Harrry RReid. (He reminds of the famous description of the campaigning style of Edmund Muskie by Hunter S. Thompson: A farmer dying of cancer going in to see his local banker to borrow money on next years crop.)

  18. WigFlipper

    If it were any other teabagger, I’d agree that they just checked Yes all the way down without a care about what they were saying. But all signs point to Sharron Angle actually believing all of that.

  19. Ducksworthy

    [re=633780]just pixels[/re]: This is also what scares me:
    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?

  20. Ducksworthy

    And from the Minnesota Voter Survey: Give SANU your thoughts: 7. If you had to choose, what would be your higher priority: more personal responsibility or more social programs?

  21. legalize everything

    Yes, “religious” organizations should be able to engage in as much political activity as they want using their tax exempt donations. It’s not like that would defeat the entire point of the tax exemption for CHARITABLE donations in the first place.

  22. legalize everything

    “To be fair, it’s obvious Sharron Angle just answered “yes” to everything without looking at the questions because she wanted this PAC’s money.”

    I sure hope that’s true, Jack. However, I’m afraid that she really is that crazy and out of touch. It’s particularly offenses that she wants to force women to have rape-babies or die during childbirth AND wants to limit the availability of adoption. Who will take care of all these orphans? THE EVIL GOVERNMENT WITH YOUR TAX DOLLARS!!!

  23. MissyLissa

    “11. Do you oppose adding ’sexual orientation’ as a protected minority under existing civil rights laws?”

    So, she thinks it’s perfectly okay for those gay business owners to refuse to hire straight people. And since we know that the gay homosexual agenda is all powerful and unstopable it is only a matter of time before they control everything. The the poor breeders won’t have any protection because sexual orientation isn’t a protected characteristic.

    Why does Sharron Angle hate straight people?

  24. Fred Wertham Jr.

    Sharron Angle shows her love of the First Amendment by repeatedly demonstrating the need for it.

  25. Ducksworthy

    [re=633802]Ducksworthy[/re]: Actually we appear to be at Phase I of Armageddon.
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    So my fellow libtards, as depressing as it may be, we had better be active in the fall elections.

  26. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=633750]ArkansasFred[/re]: Exactly, I was just thinking of “triangulation,” a geometric term which, in politics, describes a candidate of moderate (or flexible) values, attempting to couch his positions (or lack thereof) in terms that will win the primary and simultaneously not alienate enough voters so he’ll get killed in the general.

    Sharon, she’s a perfect 90 degree (right) Angle. She’s batshit crazy, on the rightard talking point bandwagon and has no business governing anything bigger that her cat’s litterbox. Hopefully enough voters in her state will come to realize this.

  27. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=633806]legalize everything[/re]: So true. When my hapless partner called his mor(m)on father to gloat, er, I mean talk, about the Prop 8 decision and his church’s involvement as cited there, his responses: “It’s going to be appealed. I’m not worried. And of course the church contributes to charity all the time.” I’d like to think he’s unclear on the concept of charity, but then again, he wears unsexy undies (seen’em!) and believes in invisible gold plates written in “Reformed Egyptian.” He’s unclear on the concept and practice of reality.

  28. RoscoePColtraine

    You guys! We’re talking about someone who claims to have an imaginary friend talking to her throughout the day, suggesting ideas for activities she might enjoy doing here. Is there any more that could be reported about Sharron Angle that would surprise us?

  29. notreallyhelping

    If Angle and Greene both win, maybe we should take another look at the Mayan calendar thing.

  30. PickneyPinchback

    “As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors.” Except when said church is harassed by the IRS for voicing disapproval of some Bush war, like All Saints in Pasadena. Then it should be firebombed and its ashes plowed into the ground.

  31. GOPCrusher

    [re=633830]Ducksworthy[/re]: I would have thought that the Recent Unpleasantness of The Bushyt Misadministration would have been enough to keep people energized, but the events of the last year or so have proven me wrong. If the example of the current crop of Wingnuts that want to get elected because they believe that the whole problem with the 2006/2008 elections was that the Republiklan Party wasn’t far enough to the right, do get elected then I’m glad that my time on this planet grows shorter.

  32. steverino247

    I guess it wasn’t such a fucking hot idea to explode all those test nukes in Nevada, was it?

  33. Katydid

    So Sharrrrron Angle doesn’t want to repeal the 14th Amendment? Oh noes, she’s a radical leftie lieberal nogoodnik.

  34. Katydid

    I just figured out that she’s sitting at an ultrasound machine, telling pregnant womens to drink lemonade. Or something like that.

  35. Katydid

    [re=634009]Katydid[/re]: Wait, I just saw that zapper in her hand. She’s clearly killing pregnant womens so they don’t have abortions. Look at that big grin on her face, it proves it.

  36. rmjag

    [re=633805]Ducksworthy[/re]: ” if you had to choose , would you kill your son , or your daughter ? don’t sat ‘neither’ ’cause WE won’t permit you to choose that answer “. Not a good idea to give those ppl that kind of power .

  37. SDC

    Founding Fathers = ‘clergy speaking their mind’? Good lord, somebody needs to crack a history book. I guess when Thomas Jefferson clipped all references to Jesus’ miracles and divinity out of the New Testament, he was speaking his mind, but I doubt Angle et al would approve.

  38. Seaglass

    Sharon is from many accounts a very particular variety of wingnuttia, she’s what’s called among Fundie circles a Dominionist, as is Palin. Check out some of the beliefs these people hold if u get a moment. They believe in World-wide War on every other religion . They believe they have to gain total control of the planet politically, and every other way before JEZEUS can come back. These people are right @ the head of the Crazy train and extremely dangerous.

  39. RedNo.4

    Clergy can speak their conscience, but it’s gonna cost ‘em, and after it’s costed ‘em, it’ll get ‘em jailed. Now THAT’S the first amendment in practice.

    Quesera: only if they’re red-haired.

  40. Broken Malice Machine

    Eh that PACs name is hilarious…”Government is not God” hmmm…but their goal is to put god into government. Okay, so the question begs, were these inbred racist bigoted homophobic pig fuckers on opium when they created their PAC? or just jesus juice?

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