somehow obama is to blame though

Winston Churchill Ordered Cover-Up of Posh British UFOs

They also made these, probably. But those Brits didn't understand what a Mama Grizzly is. But, uh, AMERICA DOES.Recently-released files show that the fancy tea-based British government took their fancy British UFOs very seriously in the 1950s, and Winston Churchill destroyed much of the evidence to cover it up. The U.S. thought it was winning the UFO race at the time, but were our dandy allies secretly doing better than us? Why did aliens like Britain so much? They are called FISH STICKS and FRENCH FRIES, poodle-skirt aliens, and we had them too.

The files also include an account of a wartime meeting attended by Winston Churchill in which, it is claimed, the prime minister was so concerned about a reported encounter between a UFO and RAF bombers, that he ordered it be kept secret for at least 50 years to prevent “mass panic”.

Nick Pope, who used to investigate UFO sightings for the MoD, said: “The interesting thing is that most of the UFO files from that period have been destroyed.

“But what happened is that a scientist whose grandfather was one of his [Churchill's] bodyguards, said look, Churchill and Eisenhower got together to cover up this phenomenal UFO sighting, that was witnessed by an RAF crew on their way back from a bombing raid.

AH HA! Eisenhower was in on this too! Why didn’t he alert the rest of our government about this?! TRAITOR! Eisenhower was denying us our God-given right to create a UFO-industrial complex. BOEING COULD HAVE SO MUCH MONEY IN UFO CONTRACTS RIGHT NOW.

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“The reason apparently was because Churchill believed it would cause mass panic and it would shatter people’s religious views.”

That queen of theirs loves science fiction, and as soon as she found out about this, the Church of England would have ceased to be Protestant and started worshipping Eisenhower. Er, started worshipping aliens. Not to mention the rest of those Godless fancy Brits! Their beliefs are so shallow that they can’t understand that God created the aliens, but never talked to us about them, so that they would be a fun surprise to celebrate how much he loves America. [BBC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hola wonkerados.

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32 comments

  1. V572625694

    Aliens welcome! Please shatter our religious views! Particularly those of the jehadis, child-abusing priests, would-be-theocrats…

    Nah, just wipe ‘em all out, K’ang!

  2. MarieDeGournay

    Dammit, now the secret will get out! Barry’s not from Kenya, he’s from Mergatroyd!

  3. Baldar T Flagass

    Wow. I’ve seen plenty of pictures of crop circles, but never have I seen a picture of a crop cunt.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Those fucking Saucer People.

    Who was the scientist? Some guy wearing a long scarf and coat and answers to the name The Doctor?

  5. Chernobyl Soup

    Well if you flew up on a new planet and found it in the condition our was in during that time would you stick around? Same thing happened last summer during the health care town hall meetings and the would-be invaders/overlords tucked tail again and went back to Andromeda.

  6. actor212

    Oh please! Aliens liked Brits so much better back in the 40s because of the Beatles! Everyone knows that!

  7. WhatTheHeck

    Jack, I see where you are going, using that likeness of Sarah Palin, implying she might be an alien. But you, sir, are dead wrong. If Sarah Palin was an alien, it would mean she would have alien intelligence. And as we know, aliens are smart the way they use their alien craft as flying saucers of alien anal probe centers.

  8. Mr Blifil

    Yes but what they fail to acknowledge is the epic group sexing that will be the inevitable replacement for all traditional belief systems. Remember, when it all goes down Wonketts, you know where to find me…

  9. Extemporanus

    “To Jawa-Jawa is always better than to Wookiee-Wookiee.”

    - Winston Churchill, June 26, 1954, in a speech at the United Nations in which he warned of the dangers posed by labeling Chewbacca a member of the “Kashyyyk-ist of Evil”.

  10. Extemporanus

    [re=633664]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Heavens!

    [re=633675]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Sometimes a cigar-shaped UFO is just a cigar-shaped giant metallic vibrator custom-made for the world’s largest vagina.

  11. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Given that Winston was rat-arsed drunk most of the time, I imagine UFOs were among his tamer hallucinations.

  12. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=633685]Extemporanus[/re]: “cigar-shaped giant metallic vibrator”
    Wasn’t there one of those in that “Flesh Gordon” movie, designed by the brilliant Dr. Flexi Jerkoff?

  13. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Dump enough bullshit onto a field, and you never know what’ll grow out of it.

  14. Darkness

    Of all the conspiracy theories in the world, this is my favorite. If only because it let me harbor the hope of the remotest of remote chances that I could get a ride off this blue marble.

  15. Ruhe

    Immediately after ordering the report suppressed Churchill asked his butler to bring him a fresh towel. Then, towel in hand, the Prime Minister headed down to the nearest Pub for a final pint.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    “The reason apparently was because Churchill believed it would cause mass panic and it would shatter people’s religious views.”

    Good gravy — we take for granted that we can blow shit up for years, detonate nuclear devices, murder millions of people, treat the earth like a giant garbage can — and Churchill is concerned about the survival of basic human stupidity? Fake, I tells ya.

  17. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=633700]Darkness[/re]: I’d like that too, but I’m not sure if getting a folding Very Large Array dish antenna jammed up my ass and farting fire is an admission price I would want to pay.

  18. 13ollocks To The Rules

    “Griffids” (Grifter Triffids) – upright, motile, voracious, dangerous, but still essentially a vegetable.

  19. Gorillionaire

    Nancy Astor: “If you were my husband I would put arsenic in your tea.” Churchill: “If I were your husband, I would drink it! Also, lizard people.”

  20. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=633660]Oblios Cap[/re]: Also, his version of “Go fuck yourself” was somehow much more eloquent. I suppose Americans just like cutting to the chase.

  21. Business Pyjamas

    That’s the most depressing image I’ve seen in a while. A Real American Cornfield ™, graffito-tagged like a common urban building side. Could it be, perhaps, that Sarah Palin has been the secret Negro-Muslin-Kenyan all along?

  22. jus_wonderin

    My hopes were raised. I thought maybe Sarah had been abducted by aliens. Of course, as soon as she opened her mouth they’d toss her out. But, it is a dream I will hold on to. Though, if I am confronted with an alien and they ask “Take me to your leader”, I might point them to Alaska just for shats and giggles.

    In my opinion, aliens are too smart to actually make contact with most of the inhabitants of Earth. If they have I half imagine them saying the alien language equivilent of “Honey, I feel like I need a bath.”

Comments are closed.