You know what keeps Chuck Grassley up at night? Pornography! Specifically, the thought that someone, somewhere, within the vast National Science Foundation bureaucracy, is using a computer and Internet connection purchased with tax, dollars paid by hard-working Americans, to find and view pictures of comely young men or women — perhaps not wearing clothes, perhaps even engaging in erotic congress with one another. Worse, these nefarious scientists might engage in the sin of Onan, while peering intently at the perverse images. Can you imagine what this would mean for the Republic? Bad things, that’s what! Grassley’s made progress in his efforts to defeat this scourge; after the jump, find out what desperate lengths the few remaining NSF perverts have gone to.
Now, you’re probably thinking, “How can Senator Grassley find all this information out about cyber-smut, without himself viewing the sinful material, thus damning his soul to eternal torment in the Pit?” Well, luckily for Chuck, he’s found a mole deep within this criminal science organization, one who gets off on the humiliation of telling everyone about the sex perversions in which he and his co-workers delight. Here’s the report from the Politico, a publication dedicated to covering the Internet pornography business:
In the letter obtained by POLITICO, Grassley asks the agency to verify the confidential source’s litany of allegations — including charges that the NSF’s technology to block pornography has manifestly failed, that employees have devised ways around those impasses by sharing illicit photos on Microsoft PowerPoint, and that no infrastructure exists to hold employees accountable for their misdeeds.
While this might sound bad, it really just means the perverts are on the run! Nudie pix embedded in Microsoft PowerPoint presentations are possibly the least erotic thing you could possibly have on your computer. The crackdown is working!
In one case, an employee was estimated to have spent 20 percent of his work time looking at racy photos — which the IG estimated cost the agency $58,000 in lost salary. That individual has since left the NSF, according to the report.
If you can spend an hour and a half a day masturbating to sexy PowerPoint slideshows, you shouldn’t be working for the NSF. You should be a subject of NSF research, to determine the nature of your superhuman arousal skills. [Politico]
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The fact that I have been turned down for NSF grants in the past makes me less surprised that something is amok in this organization. Why else, other than being distracted by sexy power point slideshows, would you turn down a grad student at a no-name college wanting to do conservation research of little practical significance in the middle of nowhere Africa?
Great, Chuck. All this talk about erotic PowerPoints has just given Kevin Pezzi an idea for his new book. Thanks for nothing, you cornfucker.
NSF = Non-Stop Fapping
Okay fine, no taxes from hard-working Americans should go to pay for NSF employees to visit FancySheds.com. But what about lazy Americans — me for instance? I don’t give a shit about whether my taxes are going for porn. It’s better than spending it on endless war.
This is just another way to use corn syrup and hog anus, isn’t it?
There’s a joke in here about getting “hammered and nailed”, but it’s Friday and I’m pooped.
“In one case, an employee was estimated to have spent 20 percent of his work time looking at racy photos — which the IG estimated cost the agency $58,000 in lost salary. That individual has since left the NSF, according to the report.”
I bet he (she?) made a lateral transfer to the Minerals Management Service. Government work is nothing if not secure.
[re=633383]memzilla[/re]: heeeehhhehehehhehhhh
WTF, the banner on the side of my screen is advertising a double electric breast pump. I wonder would the NSF fund some research into the effects of applying these little suckers (sorry) to my “power points” – maybe it would wake up my Micro Soft..
See, it’s the “erotic congress” part that keeps Grasseley up all night…
NSF…W?
NSF was funded by TN Rep. Al Gore which is where the he “created the internet” myth came from. If they invented it, they got dibs on how to use it. You know who else got an NSF grant, Serget Brin, and porn searching has never been the same.
I personally like my naked sluts on XL spreadsheets, nyuk nyuk.
Non-Sufficient Funds pervert? Guilty as charged.
Ladyboyjuice?…YOU’RE SOAKING IN IT!
[re=633395]actor212[/re]: Erotic Congress of the United States… The Honorable Erotic Congressperson… This Message Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect the Erotic Congressperson…
Change You Can Believe In, Even If It Makes You Puke Just a Little.
Chuck Grassley suffers from “vaginal laxity.”
I just love it how chuck still wnts a pepsi.
[re=633383]memzilla[/re]: Ham biscuits.
Hmmmm… I wonder if the NSA did a check of Congress’ computers for pron and see what they have considering that they are also working on the gubbiment’s dime and time.
I’d probably stay away from Vitter’s PC. He’s probably got stuff that makes “Two Girls One Cup” look tame by comparison.
If I was the suspicious type, and I’m not in general, I’d wonder if the GOP would undertake a witch hunt like this to tarnish the reputation of the NSF with the public which could then lead to steps to “bring it under control”. In a couple years, the NSF could be funding only faith based research.
Naw, Grassley probably just likes talking about porn as much as possible.
The guy who looked at porn 20% of the work day and who has since left NSF? He probably left due to bad performance reviews and disciplinary actions related to looking at porn 20% of the time and not doing his job.
NSFW = National Science Foundation Wankers.
[re=633377]CivicHoliday[/re]: Have you considered slipping a few pages from Barely Legal into your grant proposals?
This explains why my last grant was not funded. Until now I didn’t understand the executive summary: “Innovative work with rigorous experiments, however, I couldn’t even get a half-chub from your boring assed lit review. Blah, blah, blah. Next time add a movie of two chicks slapping clams. Denied.”
damn, according to their calculations, I’ve cost the federal government at least $3.4 million over the last five years. That’s more than Charlie Sheen spent on hookers.
It wasn’t porn – they were just learning to use PowerPoint’s animation features.
can we be sure they weren’t just studying vaginal laxity?
“Grandpa Cornpants does Des Moines” sex tape to drop soon?
Check out Chuck’s ad where he is called a tightwad and pennypincher! He is “just like Iowa”!
Chuck visits every county in Iowa every year! But a commenter claims that a picture of his ILLINOIS farm is used (sans permission) in the ad!
Sorry I forgot to give the link….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1a_V72NLbI
Hold up. 20% pr0n time, $58,000 in lost salary. That dude’s salary was $290,000? Must have been management.
What are the “taxes” Mr. Grassley speaks of?
I’m more concerned about all the science-ing that’s not getting done. Unless the pornography is some kind of science experiment. Hmmmm.
“Erotica versus Wonkette Time Metrics in the Workplace”
“Attitudes Toward ‘Jobs’ (not Steve) on the Intertubes”
“WankyLeaks: Effects on National Science Workers”
Wait! If someone is spending 20% of their not working and the investigation calculates the value of those “lost wages” @ $58,000, then wouldn’t that mean the employee was being paid in the neighborhood of $300,000 per years?
No wonder government is going broke.
these nefarious scientists might engage in the sin of Onan
They’ll refuse to ejaculate inside their dead brother’s wife, the way God demanded, after having sex with her, the way God demanded?
So just how much of his work time does Chuck Grassley spend on porn? At least those guys at the NSF didn’t masturbate in front of the press.
[re=633520]noodleman[/re]: “…wouldn’t that mean the employee was being paid $300,000…”
You’re not from around here are you, talkin’ like some kind of egghead mathy-matician. I suggest you just keep moving and there won’t be any trouble.
[re=633520]noodleman[/re]: You wouldn’t believe how much it costs to clean up a “stained” federal government desk and chair. And wall. And floor.
[re=633390]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: So 20% of work time = 20% of salary, no? Dude was making $290K? And whatever he was doing was something he could apparently neglect for significant portions of his day, in order to masturbate. Nice work if you get it.
I take it federal agencies and foundations have never heard of software that blocks “inappropriate” web sites? Where I work I’m in constant fear that the censors will discover the Wonkette site and put it on the forbidden list. So far, they don’t seem to know about Wonkette, which tells you what a tuned-in company they are.
[re=633589]Sharkey[/re]: When Clinton was prez, it cost $60,000,000 in special prosecutor expenses. But then Bush restored “honor and dignity” to the Oval Office. OH, OH, OH those guys are a hoot.
[re=633622]Carrabuda[/re]: I would be willing to limit myself to 5% porn consumption for half that salary. Everybody wins!
Not to mention the lost productivity and man hours that could be better utilized by researching a cure for hookworms.
[re=633422]Tcaalaw[/re]: They are very specific about page limits, but I suppose I could just get rid of my methods section and put in a photo of my boobs.
[re=633390]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Of course, we don’t know what GS level (they still call it GS?) the derelict employee was, but despite the fact that all gummint employees are overpaid, I’d guess that the salary here was not much higher than $100K. Which means the cat was spending 20% of his time fapping to naughty pix for three fucking years before anybody noticed. What the hell was his supervisor browsing?
[re=633455]Cornfed[/re]: Since there are 99 counties in Iowa, the Chuckster is either spending a lot of time away from his theoretical day job, or “visiting” a bunch of counties a day.
Wait, some people are expected to spend less than 20% of the day looking at porn? Does that include lunch? I need to clarify this with my manager.
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