Chuck Grassley Verrrry Interested In This Whole 'Pornography' Business

You know what keeps Chuck Grassley up at night? Pornography! Specifically, the thought that someone, somewhere, within the vast National Science Foundation bureaucracy, is using a computer and Internet connection purchased with tax, dollars paid by hard-working Americans, to find and view pictures of comely young men or women -- perhaps not wearing clothes, perhaps even engaging in erotic congress with one another. Worse, these nefarious scientists might engage in the sin of Onan, while peering intently at the perverse images. Can you imagine what this would mean for the Republic? Bad things, that's what! Grassley's made progress in his efforts to defeat this scourge; after the jump, find out what desperate lengths the few remaining NSF perverts have gone to.

Now, you're probably thinking, "How can Senator Grassley find all this information out about cyber-smut, without himself viewing the sinful material, thus damning his soul to eternal torment in the Pit?" Well, luckily for Chuck, he's found a mole deep within this criminal science organization, one who gets off on the humiliation of telling everyone about the sex perversions in which he and his co-workers delight. Here's the report from the Politico, a publication dedicated to covering the Internet pornography business:

In the letter obtained by POLITICO, Grassley asks the agency to verify the confidential source's litany of allegations -- including charges that the NSF's technology to block pornography has manifestly failed, that employees have devised ways around those impasses by sharing illicit photos on Microsoft PowerPoint, and that no infrastructure exists to hold employees accountable for their misdeeds.

While this might sound bad, it really just means the perverts are on the run! Nudie pix embedded in Microsoft PowerPoint presentations are possibly the least erotic thing you could possibly have on your computer. The crackdown is working!

In one case, an employee was estimated to have spent 20 percent of his work time looking at racy photos -- which the IG estimated cost the agency $58,000 in lost salary. That individual has since left the NSF, according to the report.

If you can spend an hour and a half a day masturbating to sexy PowerPoint slideshows, you shouldn't be working for the NSF. You should be a subject of NSF research, to determine the nature of your superhuman arousal skills. [ Politico ]