GOP Representative Mark Kirk was doing so well in his quest to win the seat of Senator Roland Burris, who is retiring to his mausoleum because he has achieved all of his policy goals. As recently as May, he was up by nearly 7 points in the polls! But then he told a bunch of lies about his former jobs and whatnot, and how he’s going to lose to some sleazy Democrat. What is the cause of this bizarre reversal of fortune? Could it be that Kirk has fallen under the spell of a terrible tentacled monster from the deepest ocean? Yes, says his ex-wife!
Kimberly Vertolli was married to Mark Kirk for nine years! They got divorced in 2009; they’re still totally buds and everything, but if they’re so close, why get divorced in the first place? Vertolli talked to Chicago Magazine and blames it all on a DC consultant/former staffer who is like Rasputin, only a lady.
CF: Who is that person?
KV: Her name is Dodie McCracken. She is the only member of Mark’s staff who was not invited to our wedding back in 2001. She acts as this kind of Svengali figure in his life. She had to go away.
CF: Why did she have to go away?
KV: Because Mark could either stay married to me, or she could find another place. But there wasn’t enough room for the two of us to stay in Mark’s life.
CF: Did she come back on the scene after you were divorced?
KV: Unfortunately, she never left. When Mark decided to run for the Senate, she shifted most of her attention [from other clients] to trying to control Mark and the direction of Mark’s campaign.
Vertolli says that McCracken is forcing Kirk to be a terrible conservative, voting against the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal and extension of the unemployment benefits; she also gave Kirk bad advice on how to handle questions from the press about his truthfulness (or lack thereof). Basically she is ruining Kirk’s life. Why would she do such a thing? How would she answer these charges? When McCracken contacted the nice reporter to whom Vertolli spilled her guts, “her response was limited to confirming factual information about her age and role in the Kirk campaign [and her nature as a mythical sea beast from times of yore].”
The reporter from Chicago Magazine also notes that the marriage between Kirk and Vertolli “produced no children, but the couple still shares a devotion to a 12-year-old Shih Tzu named Sophie, a birthday gift from Kirk in 1998,” which certainly won’t remind anybody of any rumors about Kirk that might be going around. [Chicago Magazine, Part 1 and Part 2]
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I thought Mark preferred someone named Phil McCraken.
Vertolli & Kirk. Coming those Fall on TNT. We know Drama.
[re=633112]jus_wonderin[/re]: Vertolli & Kirk, By Bravo.
Kirk vs Kraken vs Sleestack. Kahhhhhhhhhn!
Dodie had many duties in the campaign. She’s a real whip kraker.
Do you think maybe Dodie McCracken moved to Washington and changed her name to “Don’t Call Me Liz!”?
She may be as much trouble as her cousin Phil, Phil McCracken.
that’s not a real name, is it?
Lying about his military record doesn’t help much.
Release the McKraken!
[re=633159]rocktonsammy[/re]: True.
The original Kraken was so much better than the new Kraken because it has a more human face. You can empathize with the Kraken, because we can read the emotion.
if they’re so close, why get divorced in the first place?
So they can put “sex with ex” videos on XTube. Plainly, these people are liberals.
Alt Text WIN! of the day!
Still, more Republicans should find a staffer to chase off their “wives” so they can spend more time “hitting the stump,” or whatever they call nailing pages now days.
Hey, does this mean there is another opening for Alan Keyes to run in Illinois?
Oh please let Dodie McCracken turn out to be a shemale.
As a classmate of Alexi’s from Tulane, I have to point out two things: first, he’s not sleazy, he’s a very nice guy and none of us had any idea he was Mr. High-falutin’ muckity-muck family money blarjeblar person, because he was always just stone hangin’ out in Weinmann Hall. And second, do you know who else graduated from Tulane? Pampers Vitter (who fucking RUINED my graduation because he was there and he said something about “pampering” kids, which back in 2002 didn’t seem like so much of a Freudian slip), Assmunch Breitbart, and Jerry Springer. Alexi is Tulane’s last shot at redemption from being deemed “The Dick Factory,” or “Harvard,” of uptown lakeside New Orleans.
[re=633255]Rajul[/re]: Good catch from the Tulane beat. My dad’s a 70′s era Green Wave
She’s probably one of the baddies from Zak McCracken And The Alien Mindbenders. Being a repug, Mark Kirk should be safe from the brain emptier, though.
[re=633255]Rajul[/re]: I was at Tulane, 1980.
I noted the strange number of Names there, too. Know who else goes to Tulane? Glenn Beck’s daughter.
This is quite, quite weird. I transferred to Emory, which was one eighth the pleasure.
[re=633308]Geogre[/re]: I was across the street from Tulane once, attending a Saints game. I was pretty drunk and can’t really even remember who they played or who won, but it was the early 1980s, so it would be a safe bet that the Saints lost.
I am far too late to this, but WHERE IS MY LAURI APPLE DRAWING OF MARK KIRK IN A PEPLUM?
[re=633176]bago[/re]: That and rubber suits are HAWT.
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