EVERYTHING'S BETTER WITH MONKEYS  3:55 pm August 5, 2010

Why Is Harry Reid Giving His Monkey Friends All The Good Drugs?

by Josh Fruhlinger

Harry Reid is the pusher man for all great apes and Old World monkeysBy all rights Sharron Angle’s Twitter feed ought to be a nonstop stream of hilarity, full of death threats and theological lunacy and pleas for friendship, but in practice whichever intern has been put in charge of it is heroically clinging to sanity, mostly just posting links to press releases and Angle’s occasional appearances before the lamestream media. This right here is pretty good, though! Why did Harry Reid vote in favor of giving cocaine to monkeys? Doesn’t he know that this is an issue specifically reserved to the states, by the 10th amendment?

In case you even wondered for a single second, the monkeys in question were research subjects in a study at Wake Forest about cocaine addiction that was in part funded by the stimulus bill. This research was highlighted in a report that John McCain and Jim Coburn wrote about wasteful stimulus spending, since the only thing those guys hate more than science is paying for science. Presumably someone in one of their offices forwarded it to the Washington Examiner, and then Sharron Angle’s Twitter-intern (“Twintern”?) saw it on the Internet. And this is the best part of the story, because you can imagine this poor person, sitting around the Angle campaign office, bored, so bored, clicking on links, trying to feed the Twitter beast, and suddenly he or she sees “Harry Reid” and “monkey” and “cocaine” in the same sentence, and she or he says, “Oh my God, best Twitter link of the day! Of the week!” And then the afternoon got a little brighter. (If you think your Wonkette editor is feeling something of a kinship for this person right now, you are correct.) [Sharron Angle's Twitter/ABC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 73 comments }

joementum August 5, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Cocaine, monkeys and a crazy lady. What’s the downside?

V572625694 August 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

The correct term in this case would be “twatter.”

Hallux Valgus August 5, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Wait a minute- unemployment is 10% and these monkeys (who probably aren’t even American citizens) are getting all of these valuable coke snorting jobs? OUTRAGE! Where’s my stimulus coke, Obama?

madtowngooner August 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Take your hands off my cocaine, you filthy monkey

TrailerSpawned August 5, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Is Fox News going to show a photoshopped pic of a monkey holding a crack pipe?

Nappied Hypotenuse August 5, 2010 at 4:06 pm

HARRY REID IS A TRAITOR TO HIS SPECIES! WHEN THE PRIMATE WARS OF 2012 BREAK OUT, WHICH SIDE WILL YOU BE ON HARRY?!?!?!?!?! WHICH SIDE?

Ducksworthy August 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Josh, I think she would say it violates the 10th Commandment. But our lady of St. Angles uses amendment/commandment interchangeably since all our law come from Gawd via Charlton Heston.

ph7 August 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Sharron Angle has hated the flying monkeys ever since the house landed on her sister.

Sharkey August 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Maybe they’re just training the monkeys to grow coca and make cocaine so people don’t have to.

FMA August 5, 2010 at 4:10 pm

This is how it begins. The monkeys start doing coke and then get jobs as investment bankers and next thing you know, the economy goes straight to hell.
Wait a minute…

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Sure monkeys snort coke, but we know Sharon’s not above throwing feces around.

Escape Goat Nation August 5, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Any stimulus money spent on something that doesn’t personally benefit ME is wasteful bullshit spending God Damn it!

BlueStateLiberal August 5, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Next they’ll be handing out free hillbilly meth to these monkeys, where will it end???

norbizness August 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Perhaps she is forgetting her Bible-knowledge. I quote from 2nd Simians, Chapter 12, verse 8: “And lo, the Hittites gave unto the chimpanzees and lemur and orangutans copious amounts of Bolivian marching powder, and there was great rejoicing and flinging of feces, and the Lord grinned.”

Bearbloke August 5, 2010 at 4:14 pm

[re=632997]joementum[/re]: Downside?! – What downside? IT’S VEGAS, BABY!!!!!!!

PickneyPinchback August 5, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Damn these flying monkeys and their free government cocaine. No doubt they also learned Spanish and had anchor babies that became secret Hezbollah agents.

Ducksworthy August 5, 2010 at 4:18 pm

[re=633014]FMA[/re]: And USA taxpayers have to pay out billions so the Banks can pay the monkeys huge bonuses so they can buy more cocaine. This is a real stimulus program.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 5, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Clearly, Ms. Angle is upset that the monkeys are not sharing a bump with her.

[re=633000]V572625694[/re]: And “twatern.”

Scarab August 5, 2010 at 4:20 pm

It’s not the monkeys or cocaine that bothers Angle, it’s spending money on science that she will not stand for.

FMA August 5, 2010 at 4:22 pm

[re=633035]Ducksworthy[/re]: All part of the great circle of life…

Johnny Zhivago August 5, 2010 at 4:24 pm

As long as the monkeys paid for their crack themselves, who cares?

Johnny Zhivago August 5, 2010 at 4:25 pm

BTW – research on monkeys is important stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ7J7UjsRqg

Hedley Lamar August 5, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Were these the red bottomed monkeys or the plain, brown furry ones? I really like the red bottoms. I hope they got the coke.

Dashboard_Buddha August 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Jesus wept.

weejee August 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm

And the reaction from her Teatard supporters? Perhaps they are jealous? They are clearly batshit crazy monkeys: primate atelindae alouattinae teatardus; a genus of the howler monkey. However, they simply are not sufficiently special enough monkeys to get free coke from the gooberment.

jus_wonderin August 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Partytime for Bonzo??

LittlePig August 5, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=633009]ph7[/re]: Win.

comicbookguy August 5, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Sounds like my stoner friend who liked to get his dog high. All I know is first thing tomorrow I’m showing up at the lab in a monkey suit.

CrunchyKnee August 5, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Next thing you know, the gov-ment’ll start spending money on giving SKOAL to REBELS and filming it for the youtubes, also.

Hopey dont play that game August 5, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Hey monkey, I share 97% of my DNA with you. So how about sharing some of that blow with me?

jus_wonderin August 5, 2010 at 4:38 pm

How exactly can chimps, with the lesser dexterity of non-opposable thumbs, ever roll up the chrisp &100′s to make the snort-o-straw?? Does Reid do this for them as well? Is this a job I could do at home? Just send me (quite) a few of those benjamins and I will get right to rolling.

BOOBIES! August 5, 2010 at 4:38 pm

If people with a drug addiction have “a monkey on their back” do monkeys with a coke habit have “a human on their back?” or a “a harry reid on their back?” or “a hairy back?” This question definitely warrants a couple billion dollars in stimulus research money.

GOPCrusher August 5, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Harry Reid could be giving hand jobs to monkeys and probably will still win by 10 points.

natteringnabomb August 5, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Monkey suit makers will need to hire more workers,a furry shoot.

IceCreamEmpress August 5, 2010 at 4:43 pm

All Sharron Angle has to offer is that thing where you put the cat in a garbage bag and blow bong smoke in there.

And everybody’s already seen that one. VOTE HARRY REID!

pirate king of the Jews August 5, 2010 at 4:47 pm

Harry is thinking long term. If the monkeys are all coked up they will not turn on us when we make them our monkey-butler slaves. That’s how we will control them to prevent the destruction of society and the statue of liberty.
We should also do something about those f#@king dolphins.

notreallyhelping August 5, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Harry Reid, hanging on the cage, swaying, swaying, screaming, Screaming, SCREAMING! AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!

What’s happened to our *sniff* America?

JackDempsey August 5, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Yes, Harry Reid gave cocaine to monkeys, but only as step one on the 5-step Siegfried and Roy comeback. Step 2 involves tigers on valium. He’s now lining up dealers for steps 3 thru 5. Jeez, doesn’t anyone recognize constituent service any more?

Native of SL UT August 5, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Dear Sharron, when we give stimulus money for research, then there are scientists and pencil pushers and monkey shit scoop up people that get JOBS. We don’t just give the money to the monkeys so they can go out and blow it all on coke.

mumblyjoe August 5, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Okay, so, I don’t use the phrase “shit-for-brains” lightly, but these fucking assholes really do hate all science ever, don’t they? Even the science that’s used to prosecute their retarded as fuck “War on Drugs”. I mean, jesus, I can’t imagine a single fucking useful thing you could learn about drugs and addiction using lower animals, and cocaine. Also, I’m sure that we don’t need the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT involved in doing research into Schedule I controlled substances, which are normally illegal, and can only be obtained for research purposes with A SPECIAL PERMISSION SLIP FROM THE FUCKING FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

Seriously, what a fucking shit-for-brains cunt.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 5, 2010 at 5:07 pm

The other night I had a few drinks. It was then that I *really* wanted to be one of harry reid’s monkeys.

comicbookguy August 5, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Sharron, call me when you have a pic of Harry Reid and a monkey at a nightclub crushing Oxys on a mirror and handing out tabs of x.

skaboomizzy August 5, 2010 at 5:09 pm

.ly is the top-level domain owned by Lybia. Why does Sharron Angle support the terrorist regime of Gaddafi?

WalkinwiththeKing August 5, 2010 at 5:10 pm

The unnerving thing is that one of these days a Sharron Angle or two will be elected and then it will be eight years of a GOP led TriumphOfTheWillonacid. I’m in my fifties…I can’t handle that.

CivicHoliday August 5, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Two things:

One, when I first saw this tweet, the first thing I wondered was, since when did this bitch join PETA? I then realized it had nothing to do with concern for the monkeys, and realized that indeed there is nothing whatsoever relatable about her afterall.

Two, for jeebus sakes, stop calling chimps monkeys and vice versa! Know your primates people!

Extemporanus August 5, 2010 at 5:28 pm

In the early 80s, while on a tour of the MGM Studios backlot, I watched Cheetah suck Lancelot Link’s dick for some gank.

It. Was. Bananas!

wilbro August 5, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Just make some coked-up-monkey-stimulus lemonade and see the bright side Sharron. It’s all part of god’s plan.

Ducksworthy August 5, 2010 at 5:39 pm

[re=633087]Native of SL UT[/re]: Now you tell me. I haves a sad; for the monkeys.

Jukesgrrl August 5, 2010 at 5:40 pm

Just imagine what Chicken Sue Lowden could have done with this story. I haz a sad.

Extemporanus August 5, 2010 at 5:40 pm

[re=633049]Hedley Lamar[/re]: Actually, I believe these monkeys were of the bell-bottomed variety.

Ducksworthy August 5, 2010 at 5:44 pm

I think we should both just cheer up. We are seeing the marvelous effects the teabag insurrection is having on the Rethuglican party.

Hedley Lamar August 5, 2010 at 6:07 pm

[re=633122]Extemporanus[/re]: ACCKKKK!! Not the prefab 4! I think it was Nesmith who had the red butt.

southern mark smith August 5, 2010 at 6:12 pm

No worries, people. It’s just the cross-species follow-up study to this.

DoktorZoom August 5, 2010 at 6:58 pm

As your attorney, I advise you to give this cocaine to that chimp. — Dr. Gonzo

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm

I’m a fleabit peanut monkey
All my friends are junkies
That’s not really true

I’m a cold Italian pizza
I could use a lemon squeezer
What you do?

But I’ve been bit and I’ve been tossed around
By every Sharron Angle she-rat in this town
Have you, babe?

Well, I am just a monkey man
I’m glad you are a monkey woman too

JSDC007 August 5, 2010 at 7:10 pm

He authorized giving cocaine to monkeys?

No wonder Grandpa McCain’s been acting even stranger than usual.

mustardman August 5, 2010 at 7:11 pm

So this must be what Jack Steuf does as a second job. In between this gig and waiting tables. I’m sure that briebart dream job will come through for him eventually.

just pixels August 5, 2010 at 7:48 pm

Just like in the classic movie “Scarface” when Harry Reid says “Say hello to my little friend.” And the monkey in a cute tuxedo walks out holding a martini glass. Who didn’t love that scene? (Answer: Sharron Angle)

Poisoned Rationality August 5, 2010 at 7:55 pm

[re=633190]mustardman[/re]: wtf is up with you and Jack anyway? He quit letting you blow him or something? Go somewhere and get a life fucktard.

just pixels August 5, 2010 at 7:56 pm

[re=632997]joementum[/re]: [re=633000]V572625694[/re]: Another top ten finish for you! I’ve got to stop wasting time keeping that reactor core cool. From now on I’m on wonkette 24×7.

Josh Fruhlinger August 5, 2010 at 8:02 pm

[re=633190]mustardman[/re]: Man, Steuf didn’t even write this post. Why don’t I get to have a hate-stalker on the site, after all the work I do for you people? *sob*

Mustardanus August 5, 2010 at 8:51 pm

[re=633217]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time letting Jack Steuf park his hairless little ballsack on one of your many chins while he tongue-kissed Breitbart’s Drudge-cum-filled asshole herpes sores, you too might actually have a shot at getting that prized cartoon critiquing gig over at RedState that you’ve always wet-dreamed of, you stalker-stalking, crack-jacking, relish-felching, Kraut-fisting, Obama-bashing, rat bastard, you.

Extemporanus August 5, 2010 at 9:05 pm

[re=633217]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: [re=633241]Mustardanus[/re]: Haha! Just joshin’, Fruhlinger — that was me!

Truth is, I could never stay in hate-stalk with you — I just love you too damn much.

So, um, speaking of which…what are ya up to later? Maybe you wanna meet-up or something, for a drink or whatever? Discuss a little politics, a little “Family Circus”, a little…oh, I dunno…workout regimines, or whatnot?

Hit me up if you’re interested, dude — I’ll be waaaiiiting!

TTFN BFF!!

WHAT? August 5, 2010 at 9:35 pm

[re=633034]PickneyPinchback[/re]: I’m glad to see somebody’s thinkin’strait!!!

Bearbloke August 5, 2010 at 9:52 pm

[re=633087]Native of SL UT[/re]: But every bit of economic activity helps, right? Besides, the monkeys always tip the strippers so very well…

algoresexattack August 5, 2010 at 10:39 pm

and lsd to toads, and methedrine to parakeets. big fucking deal. eat shit sharron!

Long Form Def Certificate August 6, 2010 at 1:03 am

You know who else does cocaine?

Evo Morales. (& you thought I was going to say the H word.) & Evo, much like Obama, is a collectivist nationalizer of industry.

All I can say: keep yr SOZIALIZMS off my coke.

predilectrix August 6, 2010 at 1:13 am

[re=633217]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: There’s been precious little bloodletting lately on Wonkette, and Mustardman is a trollishly irritating ass boil. Can you bring out the ban-guillotine?

artpepper August 6, 2010 at 1:37 am

And why are we studying cancer in mice?? If your mouse gets cancer, just get another one at the pet store!! How long do mice live anyway???

Tar and Feathers August 6, 2010 at 3:16 am

Friggin Harry Reid! I was wondering why Bobo was being such a narcissistic asshole lately. Not to mention all the Ed Hardy clothes he put on his credit card…

Geogre August 6, 2010 at 6:38 am

Sharron has been campaigning on this issue now.

The coked monkeys are her Willie Horton.

Ominous music, shadowed graphics: “In 2010, a monkey got high on cocaine. harp and bass pluck And it escaped its cage, ran amok, and ripped the face off citizens. harp and bass pluck How did that monkey get cocaine? You paid for the cocaine, thanks to Harry Reid and the Democrat wasteful federal bills!”

Oh, yes, the coked up monkeys are going to be like robots stealing old people’s medicine.

Tar and Feathers August 6, 2010 at 6:43 am

I believe the actual plan is to turn them loose to pull the plugs on all the Grandmas.

bluemoose August 6, 2010 at 9:37 am

Who’s Jim Coburn? ;)

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