Cops Making Hot Sex Porn Mags From Your Body Scans!

  future erotica

CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTIONAmericans, do you know about “millimeter wave systems”? Of course you don’t — that’s terrifying science talk. In layman’s terms, these are the giant scary scanning machines that most airports have about two of, and people are selected at random to go into them, and then the TSA agent sees you naked, without any clothes on, via radiation magic. This keeps us safe from terrorists, who use our great nation’s habit of wearing garments to hide their terror guns and such. But what of the cost to our privacy? Don’t worry, the government has long promised that these images will only be looked at once, by a trained security official, who won’t even have to spank off to it, or even to fully fix it in his mind as later masturbatory fodder, before it is purged forever from the screen and from the advanced scanner’s memory chips. Oh, but hey, guess what?

Go on, you’ll never guess.

The U.S. Marshals Service admitted this week that it had surreptitiously saved tens of thousands of images recorded with a millimeter wave system at the security checkpoint of a single Florida courthouse.

Ha ha! Well, that’s a courthouse, though, so anyone going in there is a criminal, and they don’t deserve privacy. At least this isn’t happening to people exercising the God-given right to jet off to Pensacola for the weekend!

This follows an earlier disclosure by the TSA that it requires all airport body scanners it purchases to be able to store and transmit images for “testing, training, and evaluation purposes.”

 
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Ha ha! But, uh, they’re not actually doing that, right?

The agency says, however, that those capabilities are not normally activated when the devices are installed at airports.

Whew! We’re sure they’d tell us if they were doing it. Just like the Marshals were so up front about the courthouse scanners. We’re sure we won’t find out once different we recognize our own asses from among the thousands of pictures on BlurryNakedAirTravellers.com. Not worried at all. No sir. [Cnet]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

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46 comments

  1. Tube City

    Please don’t tell the young ladies, but bright, lunch time sunshine serves as a full body scanner through a white linen dress. Science is awesome.

  2. 13ollocks To The Rules

    It’s not all bad – we could have all those important questions answered:
    Is Lady Gaga a dude?
    Did Snowbilly have any “work” done?
    Does El Presidente really have no balls?

  3. ph7

    If the guy from TSA can crank on out to a xray of some random airport traveler’s gentials, more power to him. For gods sake, they spend eight hours a day staring at a TV screen trying to decide whether something in your luggage is a dildo or a bomb. They deserve some perks.

  4. bureaucrap

    No problem, I’m an exhibitionist. But what about copyright? If somebody’s getting rich off of my naked pics, I sure as heck want part of the profits.

  5. 13ollocks To The Rules

    [re=632950]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: They’d need a wide-angle sensor on the machine for that big ol’ wide stance. Cinerama, anyone?

  6. BlueStateLiberal

    Maybe this is a good thing, as it will encourage Americans to slim down and tone up??

  7. Limeylizzie

    [re=632958]bureaucrap[/re]: I have to admit that I too have no prob with nudity, and when I went through the bodyscanner at San Francisco I was grateful that I had some sexytime undies on and was arching my back and sticking my tits out for the gratification of the TSA guys and gals…but that’s just me.

  8. Geogre

    Oh, this is so utterly predictable.

    During the legislation to fund these damn things, the testimony was that the machines couldn’t store the images — not that they “wouldn’t normally” or that they “wouldn’t by default,” but that they COULD NOT.

    Sure, let’s give every traveler a little dose of radiation. One safe dose, but lets repeat it with every journey, going and coming, and let’s do this so that the 1:10,000,000 (real statistic, folks) of airplanes that is hijacked can be foiled. The just-fertilized zygotes are notoriously robust about things like radiation.

    Take the train. Take a ship. Stay home.

  9. FlownOver

    If they look at a scan of my sorry bod they’ll be getting what they deserve. And worse.

  10. Serolf Divad

    Have you seen those images? They look a bit like the Silver Surfer. Now imagine the Silver Surfer with about 80 more lbs of fat on him and you’ve got the average American walking through an airport scanner.

    Anyone who would fap to that has real problems that go waaaay beyond simple voyeurism.

  11. DemmeFatale

    I could just see my luscious daughters getting pulled aside for these “scans.”
    Are there rules about who is selected (supposedly) at random?
    Damn security theater!

  12. McDuff

    Saw a story about some male Bollywood star who went thru one of these gizmos in India and he ended up suing the security folks who saved his scan and passed it around for fun and profit.

  13. Gorillionaire

    I actually feel sorry for the disturbed sap that can’t get it going until he sneaks off and stares at vaguely nekkid scans of strangers looking glum in an airport. I mean, damn, virtually any kink you can think of is documented on the internets and has a fan group to go with it, and yet you are the guy who just can’t find a way to rev your motor unless you do this. Good luck with the ladies. Or dudes. Or two dimensional gray scale photos or whatever.

  14. V572625694

    [re=632967]Geogre[/re]: Take a train? Ha ha, a couple of years ago I was going to take the train from Phila to NYC, and had to wait in a “security line” on the main floor of 30th Street Station instead of just wandering down onto the platform and picking my seat at leisure, which used to be one of the (few remaining) pleasures of traing. There’s no freaking reason for this except they don’t want to feel unimportant. Haven’t ridden a Greyhound in a few decades, but I’ll bet they hassle those folks too.

    I know it’s always a disappointment the first time your government is less than 100% truthful.

  15. Extemporanus

    [re=632967]Geogre[/re]: I’m a snacker, not a packer.

    How many times would I need to walk through such a device before the microwave popcorn I always stuff down my pants before flying is ready to share with my fellow passengers?

  16. One Yield Regular

    Well, as long as they’re not saving the millimeter wave images they obtain from those airport restroom peep-holes, I guess I’m okay with it.

    [re=632971]Serolf Divad[/re]: Many thanks. Just spit coffee all over the monitor.

  17. sezme

    Remember a few years ago when you could just use one of Sony’s early digital cameras to accomplish the same thing: namely to take picture of hot ladies’ nekkid bodies through their clothes? In case they were terrorists, of course.

  18. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Ha ha! Well, that’s a courthouse, though, so anyone going in there is a criminal, and they don’t deserve privacy.

    You forgot the lawyers. And, trust me, you don’t want to see lawyers naked. Ann Coulter, Greta Van Sustren, Ted Olson, Alberto Gonzales and Geraldo Rivera ring any bells?

  19. Toomush Infermashun

    [re=632967]Geogre[/re]: Guess who doesn’t go through these scans?…any corporate Merican who gets in a private plane at the same airport – just show up and take off…

  20. jus_wonderin

    I predick, I mean predict that it will not be long (<<not a pun) before we all have to fly stark, stripped, eye-searingly, naturally, nekid to excercise our God given rights to airtravel.

    I, for one, will be wwwery careful returning my seat to an upright position and closing the tray table.

  21. Hedley Lamar

    [re=632973]DemmeFatale[/re]: Pics please. Let us decide if your daughter is in danger.

  22. you didn't ask, but

    I think you can request to be patted down by someone of the same gender if you have objections. I recommend that as many passengers do this as possible so the TSA itself advocates the removal of the machines to ease the long lines. These machines should only be used for potentially high-risk cases after several red flags go off and as a prohibitive measure to going on a no-fly list. Plus, who the fuck wants to be doused with radiation everytime they check in?

    And isn’t some evil Repubtard fuck making money offa these sales? Can’t recall who but some douche.

    Actually, it’s a few of them: http://motherjones.com/mojo/2010/01/airport-scanner-scam

    This is bullshit.

  23. natteringnabomb

    What!The TSA computin machines ain’t directly hooked up to the innertube porn like all other government machines?They have to watch stick lady boob porn.We need some stimulus to fix that.

  24. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=633042]jus_wonderin[/re]: Seats? We’ll be flying standing up with every limb strapped down. (What chubbie? I’m just happy to see y’all.) The real kinky times begin when they bring by the snack trolleys… and portable “facilities.”

  25. Bearbloke

    [re=632973]DemmeFatale[/re]: “Are there rules about who is selected (supposedly) at random?”

    Yes – Luscious, busty sheilas who wear “Ask me, I might” t-shirts are ALWAYS selected… “It’s the law, Miss – you might be hiding Semtex under C-cup bra you’re wearing”…

  26. Bernie Madeoff

    DHS is also adding a blank on the new I-9 form so you can “list URLs for any amateur pornos that you’ve appeared in.”

  27. PrimlyStable

    You’re all missing the real issue here. “Millimeter wave systems”. Millimeters? As in the hated socialist METRIC SYSTEM?!?!?!? Are traditional American just-under-four-one-hundrenths-of-an-inch wave systems not good enough for Barry Hussein? I think we should be told.

  28. snoidoid

    [re=633307]PrimlyStable[/re]: Maybe “millimeter” describes what the guards actually encounter versus the propaganda that men usually pass out.

  29. alzronnie

    You either leave an image for fapping or refuse the scan and they get to feel you up in a pat-down. Win-win for TSA!

  30. Gayer Than Thou

    [re=633410]alzronnie[/re]: Yeah, but at least I get something out of a good pat-down.

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