America Swoons As Elena Kagan Is Voted By Senate Onto Supreme Court

by Jack Stuef

JESUS CHRIST! SUPERSTAR!There she is, Miss Supreme Court. There she is, your ideal. At long last, Elena Kagan has gone from the cocoon of Senate confirmation hearings and emerged a beautiful judicial butterfly. In what is now a great American tradition, Kagan made sure not to answer a single question during the entire marathon, and now the Senate has voted to confirm her, and now she is your new John Paul Stevens. The vote was 63-37. Lindsey Graham yelped and lept in the air in excitement when the final votes were tallied. “Ham biscuits!” he squealed, probably, but we aren’t completely sure because we wrote this post in May.

The court’s liberal wing is expected to now include Kagan and thus be 75% women. It is also expected that for every vote Stephen Breyer will make this face and turn to Kagan, Sotomayor, and Ginsburg and say, “Laaaaaaaaadies?”

And now we can resume another great American tradition, waiting for Antonin Scalia to die. Ham biscuits!

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Bearbloke August 5, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Is she an out Lesbian, now?

iburl August 5, 2010 at 3:53 pm

If you find any curly hairs on your Coke can, don’t make a big deal about it. They guy who probably did it actually thinks liberals are worse than the KKK, so just let it slide, or he might get all Teabaggy on you.

Vulpes82 August 5, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Gay abortions for everyone!

One Yield Regular August 5, 2010 at 3:55 pm

“It is also expected that for every vote Stephen Breyer will make this face and turn to Kagan, Sotomayor, Ginsburg and Roberts and say, ‘Laaaaaaaaadies?’”


BarackMyWorld August 5, 2010 at 3:56 pm

The oil spill was a plot by the Nobama administration to not only outlaw offshore drilling but to distract us from this woman’s librul judicial activism.

blinky_twinkie August 5, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Can we start a pool on when Our Antonin is going to shuffle loose the mortal coil?

sezme August 5, 2010 at 4:06 pm

[re=632992]One Yield Regular[/re]: Curses! You beat me to it! Ham Biscuits!

hoosiermama August 5, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=633004]sezme[/re]: I’m just glad to see another ghey on the SCOTUS…I’ll leave it to you do decide which one(s)!

Ducksworthy August 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

I just heard Al Franken announce the vote. Al Franken. In the Senate. Priceless.

norbizness August 5, 2010 at 4:15 pm

This is the most exciting development in national politics since the motion for unanimous consent upon third reading to refer subchapter G of title 12 of Rider 47 to the Lawrence Welk Memorial Museum Act of 2008 (changing a semicolon to a colon) was passed.

inedalo August 5, 2010 at 4:16 pm

i think our ole pal Sen. Nelson of NEB voted against Elena, but besides Lindsay, which republicans voted to confirm her?

Extemporanus August 5, 2010 at 4:17 pm

You Indigo, Girl!

Can’t wait to see you rockin’ the bench bra-less in your plaid flannel robe and Doc Martens — Chief Justice Rehnquist, eat yer dead, closeted, Bedazzle-sleeved heart out!

jetjaguar August 5, 2010 at 4:18 pm


I wont’ be happy until all of our guns are taken away…

weejee August 5, 2010 at 4:19 pm

As the rookie, will she put mouseturds (not mustard Jack) in the oatmeal she will be preparing each morning for Roberts, Scalia, Alito, and Thomas? Raisins obviously for her sisters on the court. Kennedy will be the tough one; Prosac, lightning bugs, ???, ???, …?

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 5, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Two Jews and a Fiery Latina walk into a courthouse….

steverino247 August 5, 2010 at 4:23 pm

[re=632984]Bearbloke[/re]: We’ll know if she brings a moving truck to the second date, I guess.

Hedley Lamar August 5, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Thank god she’s confirmed. Now she doesn’t have to worry about her
hair and makeup anymore.

dedalus August 5, 2010 at 4:30 pm

as a White Anglo Saxon Protestant Male, I just wanna say:

Who is left to rebel against?

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2010 at 4:34 pm

Release the Kagan!!!

GOPCrusher August 5, 2010 at 4:35 pm

[re=633021]Ducksworthy[/re]: I know. I remind acquaintances that swore that the would die or move out of America before they would see that man in the US Senate, of that very fact as often as possible. There is no way the people of Minnesota would vote for that comedian.

bureaucrap August 5, 2010 at 4:35 pm

[re=633039]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Counting Breyer, it’s 3 Jews and a wise Latina on the sane end of the supreme court. Should we throw in Kennedy among the sane? Why not?

Three Jews, two catholics, three women, [x] gays, and all born and raised in Moscow, then spirited to the US to be raised as ostensible US citizens…

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 5, 2010 at 4:50 pm

[re=633065]bureaucrap[/re]: Let’s see what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!!

you didn't ask, but August 5, 2010 at 4:55 pm

[re=632992]One Yield Regular[/re]: Ooh! [re=632996]blinky_twinkie[/re]: I’d like to put in for: as soon as possible, please. [re=633065]bureaucrap[/re]: I thnk we *can* throw Kennedy in with the sane w/ Kagan. Barry picked her because she’s persuasive and will be able to counter conservative arguments.

Jews and Catholics. May many Klansmen/Teabaggers die of collective aneurysms today!

CessnaDriver August 5, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Please, everyone: Write the USAG and demand an investigation into Ginny Thomas and that toadstool she’s married to for taking Citizens United money. If we can get him impeached and resigned we can change the world.

M Lite August 5, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Where’s Justin Beeber?

Neilist August 5, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Well, that’s at least one vote to uphold Judge Walker’s ruling.

If the newest Associate Justice isn’t too preoccupied Rug Munching the other female member of the Bench.

[God. I just made myself ill.]

Rev. Juan MessyCan August 5, 2010 at 6:12 pm

[re=633117]M Lite[/re]: The suspicious bulge under Rehnquist robe? Too big to be anything else.

jaba the slut August 5, 2010 at 6:16 pm

This and prop 8 in one cycle. Henceforth August 5th shall be known as Saint Butsecks Day.

CessnaDriver August 5, 2010 at 7:14 pm

Stevens was the last protestant on the court. There are 5 Cathaholics and three Jewish justices.

Anita Cocktail August 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Oooh, I hope she grabs one of her granny’s antimacassars and wears it around her neck. Nothing like a doily-wearing justice to inspire respect for the supreme law of the land.

just pixels August 5, 2010 at 8:13 pm

[re=633193]CessnaDriver[/re]: Five Catholic, three Jewish, ’cause Eight Is Enough.

surfacenoise76 August 5, 2010 at 8:21 pm

I had doubts about Jonah Hill’s range as an actor, but I’ll tell you, he’s really impressed me this time.

finallyhappy August 5, 2010 at 9:26 pm

I love her( Jewish and Philly background- we are like BFFs already)- but does she look just like Rachel Dratch?

Bearbloke August 5, 2010 at 9:54 pm

[re=633141]Neilist[/re]: Bulldust! – you know you’d watch, mate…

Long Form Def Certificate August 6, 2010 at 2:01 am

I just had a five & an half centimetre aneurysm removed from my ascending aorta/aortic root, & I still lollered at the comment from YOU DIDN’T ASK, BUT.

Tar and Feathers August 6, 2010 at 3:59 am

[re=632984]Bearbloke[/re]: Same question but a different ‘L word’.

Randomhookup August 6, 2010 at 10:39 am

[re=632984]Bearbloke[/re]: The real question — will her partner be at the swearing in and how will she introduce her?

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