breaking news we've known for months

America Swoons As Elena Kagan Is Voted By Senate Onto Supreme Court

JESUS CHRIST! SUPERSTAR!There she is, Miss Supreme Court. There she is, your ideal. At long last, Elena Kagan has gone from the cocoon of Senate confirmation hearings and emerged a beautiful judicial butterfly. In what is now a great American tradition, Kagan made sure not to answer a single question during the entire marathon, and now the Senate has voted to confirm her, and now she is your new John Paul Stevens. The vote was 63-37. Lindsey Graham yelped and lept in the air in excitement when the final votes were tallied. “Ham biscuits!” he squealed, probably, but we aren’t completely sure because we wrote this post in May.

The court’s liberal wing is expected to now include Kagan and thus be 75% women. It is also expected that for every vote Stephen Breyer will make this face and turn to Kagan, Sotomayor, and Ginsburg and say, “Laaaaaaaaadies?”

And now we can resume another great American tradition, waiting for Antonin Scalia to die. Ham biscuits!

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. iburl

    If you find any curly hairs on your Coke can, don’t make a big deal about it. They guy who probably did it actually thinks liberals are worse than the KKK, so just let it slide, or he might get all Teabaggy on you.

  2. One Yield Regular

    “It is also expected that for every vote Stephen Breyer will make this face and turn to Kagan, Sotomayor, Ginsburg and Roberts and say, ‘Laaaaaaaaadies?’”


  3. BarackMyWorld

    The oil spill was a plot by the Nobama administration to not only outlaw offshore drilling but to distract us from this woman’s librul judicial activism.

  4. hoosiermama

    [re=633004]sezme[/re]: I’m just glad to see another ghey on the SCOTUS…I’ll leave it to you do decide which one(s)!

  5. norbizness

    This is the most exciting development in national politics since the motion for unanimous consent upon third reading to refer subchapter G of title 12 of Rider 47 to the Lawrence Welk Memorial Museum Act of 2008 (changing a semicolon to a colon) was passed.

  6. inedalo

    i think our ole pal Sen. Nelson of NEB voted against Elena, but besides Lindsay, which republicans voted to confirm her?

  7. Extemporanus

    You Indigo, Girl!

    Can’t wait to see you rockin’ the bench bra-less in your plaid flannel robe and Doc Martens — Chief Justice Rehnquist, eat yer dead, closeted, Bedazzle-sleeved heart out!

  8. weejee

    As the rookie, will she put mouseturds (not mustard Jack) in the oatmeal she will be preparing each morning for Roberts, Scalia, Alito, and Thomas? Raisins obviously for her sisters on the court. Kennedy will be the tough one; Prosac, lightning bugs, ???, ???, …?

  9. steverino247

    [re=632984]Bearbloke[/re]: We’ll know if she brings a moving truck to the second date, I guess.

  10. Hedley Lamar

    Thank god she’s confirmed. Now she doesn’t have to worry about her
    hair and makeup anymore.

  11. GOPCrusher

    [re=633021]Ducksworthy[/re]: I know. I remind acquaintances that swore that the would die or move out of America before they would see that man in the US Senate, of that very fact as often as possible. There is no way the people of Minnesota would vote for that comedian.

  12. bureaucrap

    [re=633039]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Counting Breyer, it’s 3 Jews and a wise Latina on the sane end of the supreme court. Should we throw in Kennedy among the sane? Why not?

    Three Jews, two catholics, three women, [x] gays, and all born and raised in Moscow, then spirited to the US to be raised as ostensible US citizens…

  13. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=633065]bureaucrap[/re]: Let’s see what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real!!

  14. you didn't ask, but

    [re=632992]One Yield Regular[/re]: Ooh! [re=632996]blinky_twinkie[/re]: I’d like to put in for: as soon as possible, please. [re=633065]bureaucrap[/re]: I thnk we *can* throw Kennedy in with the sane w/ Kagan. Barry picked her because she’s persuasive and will be able to counter conservative arguments.

    Jews and Catholics. May many Klansmen/Teabaggers die of collective aneurysms today!

  15. CessnaDriver

    Please, everyone: Write the USAG and demand an investigation into Ginny Thomas and that toadstool she’s married to for taking Citizens United money. If we can get him impeached and resigned we can change the world.

  16. Neilist

    Well, that’s at least one vote to uphold Judge Walker’s ruling.

    If the newest Associate Justice isn’t too preoccupied Rug Munching the other female member of the Bench.

    [God. I just made myself ill.]

  17. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=633117]M Lite[/re]: The suspicious bulge under Rehnquist robe? Too big to be anything else.

  18. jaba the slut

    This and prop 8 in one cycle. Henceforth August 5th shall be known as Saint Butsecks Day.

  19. CessnaDriver

    Stevens was the last protestant on the court. There are 5 Cathaholics and three Jewish justices.

  20. Anita Cocktail

    Oooh, I hope she grabs one of her granny’s antimacassars and wears it around her neck. Nothing like a doily-wearing justice to inspire respect for the supreme law of the land.

  21. surfacenoise76

    I had doubts about Jonah Hill’s range as an actor, but I’ll tell you, he’s really impressed me this time.

  22. finallyhappy

    I love her( Jewish and Philly background- we are like BFFs already)- but does she look just like Rachel Dratch?

  23. Long Form Def Certificate

    I just had a five & an half centimetre aneurysm removed from my ascending aorta/aortic root, & I still lollered at the comment from YOU DIDN’T ASK, BUT.

  24. Randomhookup

    [re=632984]Bearbloke[/re]: The real question — will her partner be at the swearing in and how will she introduce her?

Comments are closed.