do not vote for a man who is barren

Dan Quayle’s Son Pretends To Be ‘Family Friendly’ By Kidnapping Children

No, Mr. Quayle, there's no 'e' at the endDid you know that I Love The Late ’80s And Early ’90s star Dan Quayle has at least one son, Ben? He does! Did you know that Ben himself is the father to two adorable daughters? Well, he isn’t, but if you lived in Arizona’s third congressional district, where he’s running for the Republican nomination for Congress, you might think so, because you would have received this ad in the mail, showing him partying down with two little girls. And yet he and his wife did not create these children with their naughty bits. Is this the worst political scandal in U.S. history? All signs point to yes.

The Arizona Capitol Times blows the lid off of this awful conspiracy:

Quayle is depicted in playful scenes with two toddler-aged girls. Underneath one image, the text reads, in part: “Tiffany and I live in this district and we are going to raise our family here.”

(Your Wonkette editor would probably initially parse this as meaning that one of these girls was named Tiffany, which, gross, but never mind that for the moment.)

It’s not a stretch to make the assumption that the cute tots — one sitting on his lap; the other sitting next to him — are his daughters. But that’s not the case. The recently married Quayle doesn’t have kids. It’s not until you flip the mailer over to read that Quayle and his wife live in Phoenix with their dog, Louie. No mention of kids.

The second mailer, a pro-life piece that explains his staunch opposition to abortion and support of traditional marriage, contains the same image of the girls. But this time, there’s no disclaimer about Quayle not yet having kids of his own.

Right, because smart pro-life voters could “read between the lines” of any such disclaimer and realize that there’s only one reason a nice 33-year-old married man like Quayle wouldn’t have kids: abortions, and lots of them. It turns out that the little girls are “relatives of a staff member and happened to be at a campaign event” (i.e., illegal child labor, probably from Mexico). Congratulations, Arizona Capitol Times, for nailing Ben Quayle for being the first-ever politician to use images of children not-his-own to bring warm feelings to the hearts of voters. [Arizona Capitol Times]

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

49 comments

  1. Joshua Norton

    Ben Quayle.

    Hm. There’s no way to put those two words together that doesn’t sound unfortunate.

  2. SmutBoffin

    All of this validates the life choices of fictional TV character Murphy Brown. Somehow.

  3. edgydrifter

    You aren’t family valuesy enough for me until you’re carrying around a named fetus in a mason jar. Preferably more than one.

  4. Limeylizzie

    Dan Quayle now appears, in retrospect, to be a fucking genius now that we have witnessed Sarah Palin.

  5. Gorillionaire

    Reminds me of a great old joke from back in the day – “what do you get when you cross a chicken with a hawk? Quayle!” har har har! Oh man, good times.

  6. azw88

    So Ben Quayle doesn’t have any real kids, Big Fukkin Deal… neither did his mom and dad…

  7. BlueStateLiberal

    “Ben Quale: A New Generation” Who came up with that? Sounds like the sequel to a horror movie.

  8. azw88

    [re=632174]blader[/re]: No, he’s not. You can tell by looking at the picture, that’s a GIRL on his lap, not a boy

  9. weejee

    I can see Ben’s right hand, where is the left and why is the girl on that side screaming POLICE?

  10. HedonismBot

    “Is this the worst political scandal in U.S. history? All signs point to yes.”

    Please, let’s MAKE this a political scandal. We will forward it to everyone we’ve ever met via e-mail. We will go on talk radio and talk about it 24/7. We will whisper it into the ears of sleeping hobos at the bus station. If we repeat it loudly and oftenly enough, we can make it a scandal, and we can make it so omnipresent that we can totally drown out Fox News’ latest trumped-up scandal about the Obama Administration – “Obama, ACLU, NAACP and Jeremiah Wright are making secret plans to chemically castrate all white people.”
    What, Fox News is not talking about that? Okay, turn your clicker now to Fox News, watch a couple minutes. I’ll wait…
    Okay. That’s been long enough. For the record, I have no idea what Fox News is talking about right now. But, is what I said really much different from what you just heard them say a minute ago. I doubt it.

  11. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=632181]Limeylizzie[/re]: Huzzah! Now I can gay marry Ben Quayle. For the troops. Also.

  12. V572625694

    [re=632199]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: [re=632198]chascates[/re]: Let teh Gaypocalypse begin! Licenses available in the morning!

  13. JackDempsey

    [re=632198]chascates[/re]: [re=632199]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: [re=632200]V572625694[/re]:
    Another perfectly good Ben Quayle story ruined by gay stampeders.

  14. madtowngooner

    Repugs love to use kids as props. Just look at Mama Grizzly dragging her downy cub all over creation to show how much more she cares for kids than libtards do.

  15. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Actually, a picture of a grown man cavorting with young children that are not his own should move him to the top of the GOP primaries…, the only dishonesty is that he didn’t use young boys and prove his conservative bona fides.

  16. you didn't ask, but

    Motherfucker counts children like his father spells. The fuck is wrong with that lot, er flock?

  17. OzoneTom

    Those little girls look kind of Hispanic

    I hope that they are carrying their proof-of-citizenship.

  18. Joey Ratz

    I’ve seen his campaign signs, but for some reason I didn’t really believe that he is the spawn of those Quayles. I guess I assumed that anyone descended from someone who once said “I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix” would stay far far away from AZ politics.

    And while he cannot possibly be worse than Shadegg, I’m not sure my in-laws and their neighbours are ready to be reprsented by a Quayle. This might actually become somewhat interesting.

  19. Stalkin'

    AZ push poll question: “If you learned that Ben Quayle had two illegitimate daughters with an illegal Messican, would it change your opinion of him?”

    You can direct deposit my checks AZ Democratic party! Am I your Libturd God-Blossom or what?

  20. inedalo

    his father, the original Quayle made a bad slip on TV being interviewed by Larry King.
    He was asked what he would do if his daughter wanted to have an abortion. He replied- I’d help her get one.
    i guess the A-word was not such a hot potatoe in those halcyon days of yore.
    anybody else remember this revealing moment of a dumbhead?

  21. Extemporanus

    OH MY GOSH, JOSH!

    I’m ashamed no one (including yours truly) picked up on your perfect confluence of references earlier (though JMP & Wookies were in the right ballpark):

    HI! I’m barren! [7:40]

    They really do have more than they need, don’t they?

  22. just pixels

    Someday young(?) Ben and his wife will have children. And someday that child will, in turn, run for Congress from our 59th state (Afghanistan). Three generations of Quayles in public service.

    And someday those cute girls from the photo, forever scarred one summer day in 2010, will meet an elderly billionaire who gets them off the street, cleaned up and marries them both.

  23. DickRod

    “How much for the little girl? How much for the women? Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters… sell them to me. Sell me your children!”

  24. Mr Blifil

    Damon Moley, Quayle’s communication director, is very upfront about desiring that people contact him/her…

    http://www.quayleforcongress.com/?p=292

    Maybe be he can finally put the rumors of Ben Quayle’s penis tumors and subsequent impotence to rest. Hard to fulfill your biological imperative when there are cauliflower sized growths springing forth from your frenulum.

  25. Jukesgrrl

    Stupid of Kagan and Sotomayor not to have hired some kids. Their trips to the Supreme Court might have been less bumpy with some fake progeny along to demonstrate that they don’t suffer from teh ghey.

  26. dex

    ben tucker is climbing in your windows, snatching your people up.

    hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband.

  27. snoidoid

    You know, there is another reason why a 33-year-old married man doesn’t have children, and it has nothing to do with abortion. It has more to do with California’s Prop 8 and beards.

  28. Scottsdalevoter

    Wow, fake children – makes me think maybe the wife is a “beard” – ten years from now he will be apologizing in front of a microphone…wife by his side or in an airport restroom doing the splits because he has a wide stance or something like that. What a fake – who would be stupid enough to vote for this clown.

Comments are closed.