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You know who ELSE liked bicycles?Dan Maes is in a tough spot! He’s running for the Republican gubernatorial nomination in Colorado against a known plagiarist, and if he wins the primary he’ll just have to take on Tom Tancredo and the awesomely named “Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper.” How do you set yourself apart in that sort of field? Hmm, “Declare that bike-sharing programs are part of a United Nations takeover plot”? Sure, that’ll do!

Dan Maes is pulling ahead in the polling for the primary, now that it has been revealed that his opponent plagiarizes all the time! He is the “Tea Party” favorite in this race, which means that obviously he is a lunatic. He gave a speech in which he said that Hickenlooper was “converting Denver into a United Nations community” and that “this is all very well-disguised, but it will be exposed.” Later, a reporter asked him to clarify this paranoid nonsense:

Maes said in a later interview that he once thought the mayor’s efforts to promote cycling and other environmental initiatives were harmless and well-meaning. Now he realizes “that’s exactly the attitude they want you to have.”

“This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms,” Maes said.

“These aren’t just warm, fuzzy ideas from the mayor. These are very specific strategies that are dictated to us by this United Nations program that mayors have signed on to.”

“This United Nations program” is, apparently, the International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives, a group that was started at some United Nations conference in 1990 and now helps “share best practices” about progressive urban governance — encouraging bicycling use, improving transit, rounding up gun owners and evangelicals and putting them into camps, that sort of thing. Fortunately, once Maes is governor, every single bicycle lane in Denver will be eliminated to accommodate the coming wave of wider SUVs, and transit pass holders will be given dune buggies.

If you need further proof that bicycling is a straight shot to international communism, check out which well-known pair of Marxists have been biking together and holding hands constantly! [Denver Post]

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60 COMMENTS

  1. Increased bicycling is the slippery road to totalitarianism? I notice these guys never suspect that Golden Coral is part of some broader conspiracy to undermine their right to sludge-free arteries.

  2. It’s all true! My city recently started a bike sharing program. At first it seems nice, you ride around a little, it’s fun… then gradually you notice you’ve lost all your cushy white flab, it’s been days since you’ve participated in the Two Minute Hate with Michael Savage, you’re beginning to have something resembling self-respect, and you’re not totally sure that “Drill baby drill” is a well-thought out plan. Yes, bike-sharing is like a gateway drug … to pure pinko communism.

  3. Colorado is also consistently ranked as the number one, most fit state in the country with the lowest rates of morbid obesity. This is due, of course, to their bike riding and tree hugging and health food (some of it organic) eating. Teabaggers, your mission is clear. Turn this hell hole into the America we all can recognize. Elect Dan Maes!

  4. In other bike news, Lance Armstrong and our current guv (who rides so much he crashed in a pre dawn race a few months back) just announced today that next year there will be professional stage bike race in Colorado just like the old Red Zinger aka Coors Classic. Bikes win, tea party whackos just continue to whack or something, still not sure what they really have plans for other than unseating the democratically, republic’s elected current government officials (who are not white) .

  5. Ah, the good old UN trying to secretly take over America with black helicopters paranoia. While the wingnuts have given us some good funny conspiracy theories recently, it’s nice to see one of them bring black the classics.

  6. The thought of riding bicycles is frightening enough to motivate the tea party to get in the rascals hoverounds and march… ummmm roll on Washington. Gather your flabby armies.

  7. Laugh all you want libtards, but the bicycle was the favorite weapon of choice for the Nazis and the Soviets in WW2. Bet you never heard of the Nazi Tiger and Panther bikes, or the heavy Soviet T-34. So ignorant.

  8. [re=632131]Plasmasmell[/re]: [re=632140]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Pandagon pointed out that the conservatives’ hatred of walking, biking, health care and healthy food means that the red staters who buy into the rhetoric are on average going to die younger than the rest of us:
    http://pandagon.net/index.php/site/comments/the_wingnut_plot_against_quad_development_and_regular_bowel_movements/

    Although sadly their hatred of birth control and abortion rights means they’re still outbreeding us.

  9. Well, I remember a song that referenced bicycle armies and it mentioned Fidel Castro, too, so there you go–COMMUNISM! Plus it was sung by Urge Overkill, which sometimes goes by “UO” which is also the monogram for the U. of Oregon, which is a KNOWN HOTBED of homosexuals, vegans and internationalists, so there you go–DOUBLE COMMUNISM!! C’mon, people, CONNECT THE DOTS!!!

  10. Can we bring back a bit of prequal to the vote? No, not literacy tests from the south, but IQ tests. And by IQ, not the silly intelligent quotient ones but IDIOT QUOTIENT. Have to pass the same test to run.

    David Stockman, Ronnie’s first director of the Oriface of Management and Budget – the infamous OMB ran a piece in the Timez on Sunday lamenting the lack of any Repubtard candidates who had the brains to pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Basically crying that rational, moderate Repubtards are extinct, and the sole intelligent function of the current crop of Repubtards is providing one-liners for the entertainment of leftwing bloggers like the Wonketeers.

    Sigh…

  11. Well it’s quite obvious! Why we just have to look at 1930’S GERMANY to see that the rise of Obama bin Hitler and IslamoNAZISM was started with the introduction of bicycle lanes!

  12. Good thing for this guy he isn’t running for Mayor of San Francisco. I mean, cyclists here flood the streets, paralyze traffic, and physically assault automobiles simply because it’s FRIDAY, so who knows what they’d do in response to this kind of bike-hostile rhetoric.

  13. [re=632152]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Don’t forget how bin Laden and Saddam “Barack” Hussein rode bicycles into the World Trade Center.

    Anybody know if the Ground Zero Mosque is going to have bicycle parking? This conspiracy runs deep.

  14. [re=632113]chascates[/re]: Do you have any idea how hard it is to shift gears with your hands nailed to the handlebars? That’s why Jesus — like all annoying, facial hair-farming hipsters — is way into fixies.

    IT’S TRUE!

    [re=632146]Pizzuti[/re]: BEWARE THE UN BIKE HELICOPTERS! THEY ARE REAL AND CUMMING FOR YOU!!

  15. [re=632155]JMP[/re]: The teabaggers aren’t against physical fitness per se, but they are against losing our freedom. It’s just that being lean and healthy and having more energy leads to loss of freedom. You see? It makes sense when you follow them down their road of logic.

    PS Josh, I got to use “per se” which is one of my favorite memes. mwah!

  16. [re=632137]Sharkey[/re]: You need a bike like a woman needs a man.

    [re=632157]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Disguise yourself by putting on some training wheels!

    And for the love Cog, please HURRY! The “ding-ding” of death draws near!

  17. [re=632144]JMP[/re]: “Black shared bicycles”, I will admit, doesn’t have the same ring to it as “black helicopters.” But they are both black, so there’s that.

  18. You can’t even make stupid shit up that is as stupid as the shit these fucktards come up with.

    [re=632155]JMP[/re]: “Although sadly their hatred of birth control and abortion rights means they’re still outbreeding us.” True. But these kids, even their kids, aren’t as stupid as their parents. They’re more tolerant and open-minded despite their doofy/douchey parents (e.g. even the younger version of abstinence includes the buttsecks and stuff!) so there’s hope.

  19. ‘We are the hub of the wheel and the spokes and the wheel itself. without us you would be hungry
    naked worms, and we will not die!’- D.Trumbo, playright. Blacklisted ‘member’ of the Hollywood Ten.
    Maybe they thought he was talking bicycles?

  20. Bicycle races are coming your way… biiicycle, biiiicycle…

    Really, it’s more about the gay agenda than the UN agenda. Or is it both? The gay UN agenda?

  21. ahhh, i am further enlightened. Obviously, Maes hit ‘recreational activities’ when he googled ‘unamerican activities’ in the colorado area.

  22. [re=632112]V572625694[/re]: Usually you hear about the Imperial Japanese Army over-ran British Malaya on bicycles. Supplies on the Ho Chi Minh travel were often carried on bicycles. too.

  23. Concievably this is the Swiss Army, which does use bikes. They even have little machine guns mounted on the handles of some.

    I thought conservatards loved the Swiss Army.

  24. [re=632121]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Obviously you’ve forgotten Jiang Zemin’s personal goal, to replace every bike in China with a car!

  25. What’s wrong with bicycles? Put a big engine on one and you’ve got a pretty decent hawg. But only if you don’t mind looking like some namby-pamby two wheel riding United Nations non-heterosexual.

  26. I remember the free community bikes in Boulder and can’t imagine a better poster child if the GOP wanted to show that the socializm just donna work. Not even Art History Grad students would ride those death traps. Hell, conventional wisdom was that the City Council only gave them out to cull the hobos.

  27. [re=632363]zhubajie[/re]: No no, you’ve got it all wrong, swiss-army bikes change *into* machine guns. And also scissors, and fillet knives, and tiny little screwdrivers, and a bottle-opener that never seems to work right…

  28. [re=632376]Malketeer[/re]: Here in SOCIALIST CANADA, though, the bikes are sponsored by private industry (an evil mining corporation, which Colorado surely has many of!) in collaboration with the government, and you still have to pay to ride them; and the program is making a *profit*, which should please these free-market assholes.

    Oh, and Bixi bikes are nice, too. I’m going to miss Montreal.

  29. Last week London got its own shared bicyle scheme. At the launch, Conservative mayor Boris Johnson described it as “a gigantic communist experiment”, so maybe Mr Maes is onto something.

    Mind you, the London scheme is sponsored by Barclays Bank, who aren’t known for their communist views.

    BUT the bikes are mostly blue, which is THE SAME COLOR AS UN HELMETS!!!!!

  30. There are lots of indications that physical activity like cycling is good for the brain. So cycling lanes are obviously a UN conspirition to destroy American conservativism by making people more intelligent.

  31. This is an attempt by those dirty pinko Commies to DESTROY our beloved country. We ALL KNOW the long term effects those bicycle seats have on sperm count.

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