Help the American Enterprise Institute Think Of Naughty Ways To Punish Julian Assange!

The American Enterprise Institute has been hemming and hawing over the important policy question, "Why won't Julian Assange just die already?" Julian Assange, as you might recall, is the jerk from Wikileaks who tricked possibly hundreds of Americans into caring about the war in Afghanistan for maybe thirty seconds. Can't you just let America watch its vampire sitcoms in peace, Mr. Julian Assange? No? Okay no problem we will just Predator Drone you, then.

It's true! According to zany AEI shill and WaPo Op-Ed Word Processor Marc A. Thiessen, The United States should use its plentiful "military assets" to find Assange so that it can roast his feet with hot coals and then tickle him with thumbscrews. Just kidding, that is so old-fashioned. This is the twenty-first century -- we should probably just kill Julian Assange with flying robots.

There is also strong grassroots support for just cold tactical nukin' Afghanistan, because Julian Assange can't put the troops in harms way if the troops are already dead! But does Marc A. Thiessen advocate for nuking our troops in Afghanistan and Julian Assange just to be safe, or does he hate America and love our enemies?

Eh, let's just compromise and make Wikileaks against the law and then send Julian Assange to Gitmo forever:

[T]he Left wants to keep WikiLeaks open and shut down Guantanamo Bay. We should do precisely the opposite: Shut down WikiLeaks to stop them from providing more classified information to the enemy and keep Guantanamo open to stop the terrorists held there from killing more innocent people.

It must be nice to look at the world through poop-colored glasses. No fuzzy gray areas, just poop, you know? [ The American Enterprise Institute ]