The Detroit Tigers have miraculously beaten the White Sox and primary results continue to come in slowly from Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas, your Middle America triangle of excitement. We have yet to rule out Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox as the “Governor of Cox” and future source of plentiful dick jokes, but it doesn’t look good for him, because there is a nerd that Michiganders apparently like. A NERD! In Kansas, soon-to-be-former Sen. Sam Brownback has gotten his brown back, winning the GOP nod for governor. And in Missouri, nepotism is in full force as the Senate nominations have been called for Pope Blunt and Popess Carnahan. WHEN WILL THIS CONSTANT EXCITEMENT AND SITE-BREAKING PAGEVIEWZ END?
9:38 PM — By the way, what is with that idiom “I’m from Missouri”? It is dumb. Apparently Missourians need you to “show them” politicians who aren’t Carnahans or Blunts, because they just picked two more.
9:52 PM — Michigan House races are fun, right? In MI-14 and MI-15, Johns Conyers and Dingell have yet to die and have won their nominations unopposed. In MI-13, chipmunk incumbent Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick is losing her race 50%-34% right now with 27% of precincts reporting. She has been hurt by her son Kwame’s sexts and is likely to lose. SHE SHOULD HAVE RAISED HIM NOT TO SEXT PEOPLE. The winner there will win the election, as this is Detroit, and every single human and 90% of abandoned buildings, which get half a vote each, are Democrats. In MI-1, better known as Land o’ Yoopers, eh, the Republican race is close. This is abortion-hater Bart Stupak’s seat, and giant glacier-made lakes hate politicians who support abortion, so expect the GOP winner to do well “in the general.”
9:59 PM — Neither party’s nomination for Senate in Kansas has been declared yet. With 16% reporting Lisa Johnston leads Charles Schollenberger 33%-23% for the Democrats and Jerry Moran leads Todd Tiahrt by just 122 votes, 46.9%-46.8%. [insert “Get a Brain MORANS” photo]
10:03 PM — 33% are reporting in Michigan, and Virg Bernero has been declared a winner. The ONE TOUGH NERD is winning 37%-26%-25% over Hoekstra and Cox. But Cox tend to get a lot of momentum late, AM I RIGHT?
10:06 PM — Oh look, Rick Synder has a Facebook too. He is gonna GET TOUGH about pig roasts. Just look at those crossed arms!
10:11 PM — “You fucked this up, God. We’re gonna make a new one.”
10:17 PM — Virg Bernero. Cosplay for Michigan.
10:19 PM — “Thanks for the bowl, bro.”
10:21 PM — “Everybody cakewalk with the future governor!”
10:27 PM — Dan Benishek is still leading Jason Allen in MI-1, 39.1%-37.6%, with 83% reporting. Cheeksy has closed the gap in MI-13, now down 48%-38%, with 39% reporting there. Kilpatricks tend to win elections late, just like they get busted for sexts rather late, so don’t count her out yet. Let’s hope so, as it will be a real loss for the House to be without that hair.
10:40 PM — It’s funny that Dan Benishek is running for Congress, because it seems like he thinks he’s running for the Arizona legislature:
10:41 PM — Dr. Dan Benishek or Dr. Steve Brule?
10:46 PM — With 53% reporting, the green checkmark calls the Republican Michigan gubernatorial race for ONE TOUGH NERD Rick Snyder. Now some union thugs will beat him up on UStream. NOT BECAUSE HE IS PRO-BUSINESS, BECAUSE HE IS A NERD.
10:50 PM — Oh look, Snyder’s daughter is a blogette on “Kelsey’s Blog.” But she only has one post up, and it’s undated. Did Rick Snyder MURDER HIS DAUGHTER because she was blogging about him?
10:57 PM — “Just end up working for a nerd”? What? DID RICK SNYDER EMPLOY HIS DAUGHTER’S COOL BOYFRIEND TO PUT A HIT ON HIS DAUGHTER?
11:00 PM — This is what you want, Michigan, eh? Alright.
11:03 PM — LIVEBLOG OVER. There are still races to be called, like both Senate races in Kansas. But who cares? We will call them RIGHT NOW. Lisa Johnston and the Moran will win Kansas. Dan Benishek will win the MI-1 nomination, because he said Jason Allen did something for ACORN one time. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick will lose her race, because your afternoon editor thinks she currently has straight hair, now that he thinks about it. And every other race will be won by surging write-in candidate Justin Bieber. GOOD NIGHT.
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