show-me-your-cox state

Liveblogging the Glorious Primary Time of Middle America, America’s America: Part II

Come on feel the Kansa-noise!The Detroit Tigers have miraculously beaten the White Sox and primary results continue to come in slowly from Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas, your Middle America triangle of excitement. We have yet to rule out Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox as the “Governor of Cox” and future source of plentiful dick jokes, but it doesn’t look good for him, because there is a nerd that Michiganders apparently like. A NERD! In Kansas, soon-to-be-former Sen. Sam Brownback has gotten his brown back, winning the GOP nod for governor. And in Missouri, nepotism is in full force as the Senate nominations have been called for Pope Blunt and Popess Carnahan. WHEN WILL THIS CONSTANT EXCITEMENT AND SITE-BREAKING PAGEVIEWZ END?

9:38 PM — By the way, what is with that idiom “I’m from Missouri”? It is dumb. Apparently Missourians need you to “show them” politicians who aren’t Carnahans or Blunts, because they just picked two more.
9:52 PM — Michigan House races are fun, right? In MI-14 and MI-15, Johns Conyers and Dingell have yet to die and have won their nominations unopposed. In MI-13, chipmunk incumbent Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick is losing her race 50%-34% right now with 27% of precincts reporting. She has been hurt by her son Kwame’s sexts and is likely to lose. SHE SHOULD HAVE RAISED HIM NOT TO SEXT PEOPLE. The winner there will win the election, as this is Detroit, and every single human and 90% of abandoned buildings, which get half a vote each, are Democrats. In MI-1, better known as Land o’ Yoopers, eh, the Republican race is close. This is abortion-hater Bart Stupak’s seat, and giant glacier-made lakes hate politicians who support abortion, so expect the GOP winner to do well “in the general.”
9:59 PM — Neither party’s nomination for Senate in Kansas has been declared yet. With 16% reporting Lisa Johnston leads Charles Schollenberger 33%-23% for the Democrats and Jerry Moran leads Todd Tiahrt by just 122 votes, 46.9%-46.8%. [insert "Get a Brain MORANS" photo]
10:03 PM — 33% are reporting in Michigan, and Virg Bernero has been declared a winner. The ONE TOUGH NERD is winning 37%-26%-25% over Hoekstra and Cox. But Cox tend to get a lot of momentum late, AM I RIGHT?
10:06 PM — Oh look, Rick Synder has a Facebook too. He is gonna GET TOUGH about pig roasts. Just look at those crossed arms!

10:11 PM — “You fucked this up, God. We’re gonna make a new one.”

10:17 PM — Virg Bernero. Cosplay for Michigan.

10:19 PM — “Thanks for the bowl, bro.”

10:21 PM — “Everybody cakewalk with the future governor!”

10:27 PM — Dan Benishek is still leading Jason Allen in MI-1, 39.1%-37.6%, with 83% reporting. Cheeksy has closed the gap in MI-13, now down 48%-38%, with 39% reporting there. Kilpatricks tend to win elections late, just like they get busted for sexts rather late, so don’t count her out yet. Let’s hope so, as it will be a real loss for the House to be without that hair.
10:40 PM — It’s funny that Dan Benishek is running for Congress, because it seems like he thinks he’s running for the Arizona legislature:

10:41 PM — Dr. Dan Benishek or Dr. Steve Brule?

10:46 PM — With 53% reporting, the green checkmark calls the Republican Michigan gubernatorial race for ONE TOUGH NERD Rick Snyder. Now some union thugs will beat him up on UStream. NOT BECAUSE HE IS PRO-BUSINESS, BECAUSE HE IS A NERD.
10:50 PM — Oh look, Snyder’s daughter is a blogette on “Kelsey’s Blog.” But she only has one post up, and it’s undated. Did Rick Snyder MURDER HIS DAUGHTER because she was blogging about him?
10:57 PM — “Just end up working for a nerd”? What? DID RICK SNYDER EMPLOY HIS DAUGHTER’S COOL BOYFRIEND TO PUT A HIT ON HIS DAUGHTER?

11:00 PM — This is what you want, Michigan, eh? Alright.

11:03 PM — LIVEBLOG OVER. There are still races to be called, like both Senate races in Kansas. But who cares? We will call them RIGHT NOW. Lisa Johnston and the Moran will win Kansas. Dan Benishek will win the MI-1 nomination, because he said Jason Allen did something for ACORN one time. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick will lose her race, because your afternoon editor thinks she currently has straight hair, now that he thinks about it. And every other race will be won by surging write-in candidate Justin Bieber. GOOD NIGHT.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

47 comments

  1. chascates

    The bad thing is if I have to make a break for Canada I’m bound to have to pass through one of them.

  2. chascates

    “Fr. Joseph Tobin, 58, was appointed this week as Secretary of the Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic life. He also was given the rank of archbishop.”

    That’s pretty golden.

  3. V572625694

    Missouri is called “the show-me state” because of all the exhibitionists who live there.

  4. hotdog

    [re=631571]chascates[/re]: Is he the one in charge of bringing child molestation down to acceptable levels?

  5. chascates

    [re=631574]hotdog[/re]: I don’t think so. It looks like really top floor executive: Secretary of the Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic life. That looks like a fine shot at a golden ticket out before long.

    Also, for some of you new here to Wonkette take a brief moment out of this dull, pointless lull and check out the wonderful Wonkette swag:
    http://wonkettemart.com/

    You’ll stand out even more wearing one of those finely-made shirts, even more than you do now.*

    *Wonkette is not responsible for any bodily or mental injuries incurred by the use of its property. Or yours, for that matter.

  6. chascates

    Huzzah! Via CQ-something or other:

    Hickenlooper Has Big Lead in Three-Way Race
    A new Rasmussen survey in Colorado finds what a recent Denver Post poll did: Tom Tancredo’s third party bid for governor is essentially giving the race to Democrats.

    John Hickenlooper (D) leads with 43%, followed by Scott McInnis (R) at 25% and Tancredo at 24%.

    With Dan Maes (R) as the GOP nominee, Hickenlooper has 42%, followed by Maes at 27% and Tancredo at 24%.

  7. memzilla

    [re=631579]chascates[/re]: Yes, Lou Dobss is interested in the Hispanic bloc right up until January 21, 2013. G-d forfend.

  8. memzilla

    BTW, Jack’s page view bonus doesn’t start until View #1,001, so wake the kids, phone the neighbors, get out the vote that *really* counts, Jack needs pizza to keep his fingers a-bloggin.’

  9. Brick Oven Bill

    White (upper case) Washington people are so sophisticated.

    In contrast, white (lower case) people in the Middle West are quaint. This is because these proles have no publically-funded private scholarships to take away from those black kids, to keep them darkies away from their own.

  10. chascates

    American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ, founded in 1990 by evangelical Pat Robertson) will appeal a decision that grants a green light for the construction of an Islamic community center two blocks from Ground Zero:

    a 13-story mosque headed by an Imam that reports indicate has a record of support for causes tied to terrorism – an Imam who reportedly helped finance the Gaza-bound flotilla that carried terrorists to attack Israel.

  11. chascates

    For those interested in Prop C from Missouri – ‘Yes’ now at 75% (opposed to health reform) with 40% vote in
    Fat Lady beginning to warm up in MI GOP Gov race? Snyder 38%, Hoekstra 25%, Cox 25% with 36% precincts in
    –jamiedupreee

  12. plowman

    [re=631579]chascates[/re]: WTF? Wasn’t the 14th Amendment a Republican slapdown for us Rebs? The South may rise again after all! Well, if it can put down the remote and get it’s fat ass off the couch…

  13. memzilla

    [re=631585]chascates[/re]: Fine. Build it. For heaven’s sake, the hardest part about fighting terrorists is *finding* them, yes? This mosque will be a freakin’ magnet; look up the term “honeypot” in an espionage manual. There’ll be more wiretaps and hidden cameras in that place feeding our counter-intel than you can shake a stick at (assuming you want it on the record that you are a stick shaker).

  14. chascates

    A yes vote on Prop C means you support Missouri’s right to opt-out of the mandatory requirement that everyone purchase health insurance.

    A no vote on Prop C says you’re in favor of the federal government requiring everyone in all 50 states to buy health insurance or face a fine.If Prop C passes, it’s thought to be a blow to Democrats who are already struggling to retain seats in the mid-term election.

    Even if it does pass, a Prop C victory is largely symbolic. Many legal scholars think the courts would overturn it based on the supremacy clause of the constitution, meaning state law cannot trump federal law.

    Missouri may face both legal and medical bills in the future.

  15. chascates

    @MarshallTim: Hoekstra is conceding with 47% of the vote counted. Go Rick Snyder at RickforMI!

  16. TeddyKGB

    Bernero vs. Snyder? The Michigan governor’s race looks like it’s taking place in The Shire.

  17. Bearbloke

    So, has Shadow-Prime-Minister Palin’s Teeparty won a majority of seats in the American Parliament yet? Down here, we’re preparing to live-blogg Sarahcudda’s acceptance of The Royal Assent to form the Next American government…

  18. TeddyKGB

    For Pete Hoekstra, losing the primary is just like getting gunned down in the streets of Iran.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    But Cox tend to get a lot of momentum late, AM I RIGHT?

    Oh, and I just thought of a great bumper sticker too — a sillhouette of the state of Michigan on the left side, and then the slogan “This Mitten Needs Cox.” What a shame.

  20. Troubledog

    Not sure how Brownback managed to pull it out over that lady with the satellite chip implants that can get launched remotely, now, because now they have the technology to do that.

  21. Beowoof

    Rick Snyder bought a pig at the fair. Wee doggie, I’ll bet him and Jethro and cook that up nice and serve it to all his buddies.

  22. chascates

    “Thanks, but no thanks” to that better way to help sick people:
    Prop C
    Precincts Reporting: 2196 Of 3354 65%
    Winner Candidate Incumbent Votes Vote %
    X Yes 462,117 73%
    No 170,133 27%

  23. chascates

    Squeaker in Flyover Land:
    55% in Kansas Senate race – Rep Moran leads Rep Tiahrt 48-46%; Tiahrt wins Johnson County, leads big in Sedgwick

  24. memzilla

    [re=631609]bago[/re]: First person to think of which filthy sex act “hickenlooper” describes gets a free “Put Another Moran In Gummint” T-shirt!

  25. obfuscator

    [re=631613]chascates[/re]: if the state is basically shaped like a square, it’s fucking boring in every way.

  26. BarackMyWorld

    [re=631606]chascates[/re]: There was probably higher turn-out for the Republican primary than the Democratic one is why.

  27. WindbagCity

    I was gone all night and missed the live-ness, but this is awesome. The linkz, the vidz, the “why the fuck are we even talking about this?” tone. GIVE THIS MAN A RAISE, KEN (or at least don’t fire him until he posts his photo spread on the site…)

  28. lawrenceofthedesert

    Talk about fair and balanced coverage, hmph! The White Sox and Tigers played TWO games and split them. The Sox clobbered them 12-2 in the opener.

  29. Johnny Zhivago

    Shocking news that only borderline insane people did well last night…

    We pin ALL of our remaining hopes on Basil Marceaux…

  30. Terry

    The people in the rural areas of Michigan seem to think the best way to “reinvent” their state is somehow to get rid of the city of Detroit entirely. Some of the suburbs can stay. Ann Arbor is full of hippie liberals but does produce great football, so they can stay, too.

  31. Sparky McGruff

    [re=631604]chascates[/re]: But can Kelsey break in to the neighbor’s house and throw a meth-fueled rave for the cool kids? And would her dad cut a deal so she skates free while the other kids do time? Is Kelsey knocked up yet, or does she have a “reality TV” deal?

  32. El Pinche

    [re=631643]Dredd[/re]: We tried stupid (Bush) , we tried smart (Obamer), and now America will try crazy (Sarah!!!) . America is all about trial and error.

Comments are closed.