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Republican Legislators To Repeal Fourteenth Amendment, Making Things Yet Again More Awkward For John McCain

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Young John McCain, from Young John McCain: The Animated Series, is judging you.Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has decided to join his party’s greatest thinkers in their innovative new idea to change the Constitution to repeal the part of the 142-year-old Fourteenth Amendment that children born in the United States are citizens. “I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at. Regardless of how you feel about the various aspects of immigration reform, I don’t think anybody thinks that’s something they’re comfortable with.” Except, perhaps, Americans born in the U.S. who are from immigrant families are comfortable with it. Oh, are those not people? Then let us note that basically all Americans have lived comfortably with that part of the Constitution for 142 years. Anyway, the important thing is the comical lengths John McCain took to try not to have to support this crazy idea.

“We’re talking about the stimulus right now,” McCain said, before darting off to the elevators down the hall from the Senate studio, where he again declined to take a question. Reporters eventually caught up with McCain in the basement of the Capitol, where he was walking toward to the man-operated train connecting the Senate with the Russell office building.

TPMDC asked, “Do you support the Minority Leader’s push for hearings into the repeal of birthright citizenship?”

“Sure, why not?” McCain said briefly.

“Do you support the idea itself?”

“I support the idea of having hearings,” McCain said.

“Do you have a problem with the 14th amendment?” another reporter asked.

“You’re changing the constitution of the United States,” McCain said. “I support the concept of holding hearings.”

Sponsored Intermission

“I support the concept of holding hearings,” McCain repeated, turning to the rail car conductor.

“Let’s go!” he snapped.

In general, watching McCain completely shed every fiber of his convictions is both sad and funny, but this particular anecdote is just funny. Hengh! We should umm—MOVE IT, BOY—hengh, hengh, umm, hearings. Hengh! Hengh! [The Hill/TPM]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Wait, wasn’t this essentially the same pack of yahoos who just a few years ago wanted to change the Constitution in the other direction — so that the Governator could become president?

  • Manos: Hands of Fate

    Way to end your career on the shithead side of things Walnuts.

  • norbizness

    I thought that he was great-great-great-great-great-grandfathered in pursuant to the Treaty of Tripoli pertaining to former possessions of the Ottoman Empire.

  • Serolf Divad

    Nice… John McCain wasn’t even born in the U.S. but got to run for president. And yet here he is refusing to openly oppose a law that would deny citizenship to people who acutally were born on U.S. soil.

    Come on everybody, join in with me: “Let’s make America WHITE again! Yeeee haaaar!”

  • SmutBoffin

    That McCain, he likes the discourse and meta-discourse involved in runnign a gov’t, but doesn’t really support doing anything, unless it is bombing near-, middle-, and far-east nations.

  • Sharkey

    Would he support the concept of having hearings to repeal the second amendment?

  • actor212

    What? No “Hey, you reporters! Get off my lawn!”?

  • Ruhe

    [re=631200]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: Now that they know Arnold has a little bit of a brain they wouldn’t want him anymore anyway.

  • Neilist

    From Wikipedia:

    John McCain was born on August 29, 1936 at Coco Solo Naval Air Station in the Panama Canal Zone, to naval officer John S. McCain, Jr. (1911–1981) and Roberta (Wright) McCain (b. 1912).[2] At that time, the Panama Canal was under U.S. control.

    I’m not an expert on extraterritoriality. (Yes, yes, I know: hard to believe Neilist doesn’t know something.) But my recollection is that U.S. military installations overseas are not considered sovereign territory of the United States for the purposes of citizenship, etc.

    John “El Chico Walnuts” McCain: Panamanian Wetback.

  • JMP

    I’m John McCain, and I approve of holding hearings on whether or not to approve this message.

  • Cape Clod

    “where he was walking toward to the man-operated train connecting the Senate with the Russell office building.”

    Is that like the Flinstones’ car?

  • KvP

    Wasn’t this one of Big Daddy Paul’s ReLOVEution campaign promises? Who knew that after 2 years of living under a black president, the GOP would so openly imbibe the crazy juice?

  • chascates

    Doesn’t McCain have a private railway car? How embarrassing.

  • weejee

    Let’s dig-up up the former Junior Senator from Wisconsin, Joe McCarthy, and the former Senior Senator from South Carolina, Strom Thrumond. Then have a taxidermist stuff them both and drag the stuffies back to the Capital Capitol to serve as honorary chairs. Sweet baby Jeebus weeps.

  • Extemporanus

    After all these years, John McCain has finally figured out a way to get rid of that Bangladeshi bazar trinket Cindy smuggled back to the States in a half-empty jug of Vicodin.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    What? No “Let’s go, you cunty trollop”? Fail, Walnuts, FAIL!

  • widestanceromancer

    Now, just imagine that this nutless wad of tortured cranial fat was our president (even though we all know Palin would have had him killed by helicopter snipers by the end of the inauguration ceremony). What a stand-up guy.

    Five and a half f*ck-yous, John, five and half f*ck-yous.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    You know what would have been funny is if the rail-car conductor started “being helpful” by telling McCain that wait, these guys just have a few questions for you don’t you want me to stay put here for a few minutes so you can talk to these reporters? Sort of like Rand Paul’s aide was being helpful in the other thread.

  • Oblios Cap

    I look at these deep thinkers, what with their tinkering and tampering with the Constitution and their attempts to divine the thoughts and intents of our Founding Fathers, and I think that I have never been prouder to be a part of this great democratic experiment that is America.

    Cue Lee Greenwood

  • 4tehlulz

    I don’t know why liberals oppose this initiative; it would be like living in France, though without the actual benefits.

  • dex

    finish the dang hearing.

  • chascates

    [re=631223]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Or even, “you trolley car driver”.

  • OhBoy

    Also funny if the helpful rail-car conductor is an immigrant

  • edgydrifter

    [re=631215]Neilist[/re]: Plus he wasn’t even born on base. He was delivered at a nearby–and very Panamanian–hospital. At his age and with his money, though, I don’t think he gives two rusty Ameros whether his own citizenship gets revoked. Surely Belize must need an elder gringo statesman with a brittle beer baroness in tow.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=631200]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: Nah, I doubt it. AHHNOLD may be a republican, but he’s *hardly* a tea party conservative, given his stances on social issues and on the environment.

  • Ducksworthy

    Here’s a thought exercise for my fellow wonketteers. Watch McCain roll his eyes, think about who he chose as his running mate, and then think about the fact that 59,934,814 of your fellow Amurikkans voted for him for president. And they will be voting in November. Sorry. Too scary for snark.

  • WhatTheHeck

    [re=631209]Serolf Divad[/re]: And why not hold hearings for the First Nations people as well.
    God didn’t intend for them to live here in the promised land.

  • sezme

    Ironically, by the time they repeal this section of the amendment, being a citizen of the US will have ceased to be ‘fun’. Oh, and John McCain will be ‘dead’. Hengh!

  • wilbro

    So “Let’s hold hearings” is the new “I love you, but I am not ‘in love’ with you.”

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=631242]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Way to out yourself as a stealth Canadian.

    [re=631228]Oblios Cap[/re]: Gotta love this strict constructionists. “Oh, err, well, we meant the original constitution, not the amendments. Except the ones about women and blacks, because repealing those would be unpopular, and… oh, we don’t know what the fuck we mean”

  • Troubledog

    He’ll pay anyone $50 an hour to have hearings in the Arizona sun over a hot summer, but you have to stay for the entire summer. You have no idea how hard that work is.

  • Ruhe

    Now that I think about it, let’s go for it. Repeal the 14th and make citizenship something you earn by taking the test used now for naturalization. Think about how many real Murikans would be utterly unable to pass that test. Slap rejected stickers on ’em and ship ’em all off to Alaska which could become one enormous holding pen for illegals but an enlightened sort of pen where the weed is free, the salmon is plentiful and the way south is barred by above and below ground fencing.

  • freakishlystrong

    This is the X-Games of birtherism.

  • chascates

    [re=631249]Ruhe[/re]: I’ve listened to many Hispanics on my bus testing each other on the questions for citizenship. I couldn’t pass without a massive cram course.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=631242]WhatTheHeck[/re]: That whole First Nations nomenclature makes it sound like they have firsties or something, which could unfairly affect the debate. The preferred term is Premature Illegal Immigrants.

  • mustardman

    Sure no problem. And while we are ‘having hearings’ about the parts of the consitution we don’t like we can start discussing repealing the 2nd amendment too. We got a deal?

  • Neilist

    [re=631239]edgydrifter[/re]: If I was McCain, I’d be less worried about my citizenship being revoked, and more worried about the FAA pulling my pilot’s license . . . .

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=631249]Ruhe[/re]: That’s kind of like Starship Troopers where anyone could live in the US, but to be an actual citizen you had to serve in the military. Sure why not – everyone is demoted to illegal alien – and then you take a test every three years to requalify as a citizen. It would definitely keep the stupid and the senile from voting.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=631255]Neilist[/re]: Remember though, Mc Cain will always qualify for piloting vehicles powered by hot air.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=631241]Ducksworthy[/re]: They had an all-white ticket. Does that matter? Why, yes. Yes it does.

  • Come here a minute

    The fact that McCain was born outside the U.S. is immaterial — his father was a danged white American, so he should be a citizen. Anyone not satisfying this criterion will have to wait for the hearings, HEHNGNN??

  • WhatTheHeck

    [re=631247]Mad Brahms[/re]: Oooppppsss. I’ve been to Canuckistan a number of times. Love the place, but not a Canuck.
    Just another brotha from another planet.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=631241]Ducksworthy[/re]: Here’s another thought excercise for my fellow Wonketteers:

    Look at that picture of Michelle Obama from ‘The FLOTUS Files’ post, and picture her naked, taut body glistening like melting chocolate in the setting sunlight, riding Barack Obama reverse-cowboy style on Nixon’s antique leather sette in the White House master bedroom, her ruby red nails dug into his kneecaps, their rising voices synchronized moans of regal ecstasy, and then think about the fact that a record-setting 69,456,897 of your fellow Amurikkans voted for him to be president.

    And they will not be voting in November because they will all be fapping to the image of a sweaty, buck naked, funkalicious Barack and Michelle Obama just cold sexin’ each other up all the fucking time, all over the fucking White House, for the slaves. Sorry. Too horny to snark.

  • slappypaddy

    good to see the republicans know what the important work facing our nation is and are continuing to avoid it at all costs while blowing smoke up each other’s asses.

  • Oblios Cap


    That was my first thougth when I read that, too.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=631266]Extemporanus[/re]: Only one minor correction. “Buck naked” should be “buck nekkid.” Other than that, SPOT ON.

  • GOPCrusher

    Someone should ask Mitch McConnell how repealing the 14th Amendment helps Americans get jobs, or have they forgotten how jobs are more important to Americans then Health Care Reform, Financial Reform, or any of the other legislation that Obama wants to jam down our throats?

  • Cicada

    I’m thinking the game plan here is precisely what Walnuts said: hold hearings. That way the Republicans (and probably some Dems) get to grandstand/race-bait/stoke hysteria all with the cover of it just being a hearing.

    This is some ugly shit, no joke.

  • noodleman

    [re=631215]Neilist[/re]: You would be correct. According to the US Department of State, US military bases overseas are not sovereign US territories. Neither are the grounds upon which stands any US embassy. McCain had less of a right to call himself a natural-born US citizen than even Obama would have had Hawai’i been a territory in 1961 … that is, until Congress passed an ex post facto resolution granting McCain natural-born status.

  • EnBuenOra

    Maybe they’re really angry about Sections 2 and 3 which bar office holding by Confederate insurrectionists and block claims of Confederate traitorous debts to be paid by the fedrul gubmit.

  • JooJoo Bee

    [re=631241]Ducksworthy[/re]: Remind me to never have a second beer with you. I’d be cryin’ in my third, and suicidal by the fourth! Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Just pointing out your powerful communication skills so if you’re on the face about that graduate degree in Artful Persuausion, you’ll know it would be a good thing to pursue.


    The same racist dumbshits who are proposing that we change a 142 year old Amendment to the US Consitution are likely the same sons of bitches who will vote against Kagan claiming she won’t interpret the Constitution as it is written.

  • JooJoo Bee

    [re=631249]Ruhe[/re]: This.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=631270]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Grrr…”sette, also. (Lubriderm + iPad + auto-correct = messy sexting.)

    But thanks, and feel free to swap a buck nekkid Reggie — or Rahm — for Mizz Michelle if you so desire.

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=631266]Extemporanus[/re]: Sweet carnal bliss is snarky.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=631291]Extemporanus[/re]: SEE?! Touchscreens better get more accurate penile recognition very soon, or I’m switching back to commenting via fucking Fleshlight.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=631292]Radiotherapy[/re]: Them being married is what does it, huh?

  • desertwind

    They’re tryin’ to destroy every last thing that makes us kinda sorta cool & unusual in the world, aren’t they?

  • God Hates Faps

    Barack’s mother’s vagina belonged to a US citizen. What about THAT pesky law? How far are they willing to go just to get him out of office? Do they hate him enough to turn themselves into what they hate most? A dirty, filthy illegal? Or, maybe, they are not capable of thinking that far in advance to realize there is another hurdle after this one. Stay tuned!!!1!!!!

  • An Outhouse

    This suggests that everybody who is not a Native American is no longer a citizen. The Indians will still run our war machine and maintain the empire, right?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=631266]Extemporanus[/re]: I thought I could resist fapping, until you said “reverse cowboy.”

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    I’m actually wondering how far this will go – if they really want to make sure that Obama is considered to NOT be an American citizen, then they will have to make the new laws stringent enough so that I, born to an immigrant mother (who was an American citizen when I was born) and a Canadian father, should not be considered automatically American.

    This would be so fucking awesome.

  • June Cleaver 2.0


    You’re welcome.

  • daveX99

    [re=631217]Cape Clod[/re]: I’m thinking more like a gerbil-wheel propelled something-or-other. Like

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=631228]Oblios Cap[/re]: For a bunch of people who claim to love and strive to uphold the Constitution, they sure do like to change it.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=631328]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: YEEEFAPFAPFAPHAAAWWW!!!

    [re=631335]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: That is the Zapruder film as shot and narrated by John Stagliano.

    >”I am SO tight on the parents right now. Oooh…oh my! Oh, that’s niiice…”

    Thank you.

  • Limeylizzie

    [re=631333]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: My brother is an English immigrant and is not a citizen and his Swedish wife also not a citizen, what would they do with their adorable 12 year old American-born son?

  • snideinplainsight

    This is very glib of them, but has anybody bothered to run the numbers on how many current citizens this would exclude? Just curious –

  • Limeylizzie

    On the bright side, I am always delighted whenever the Wonkette drags out that fantastic McCain gif.

  • Ducksworthy

    [re=631328]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: [re=631266]Extemporanus[/re]: Mmmmmm. Chocoooolate

  • Baldar T Flagass

    [re=631249]Ruhe[/re]: Fookin’ brilliant.

  • Hoplight

    [re=631215]Neilist[/re]: That birth certificate he gave to the press was a fake typed up just in time for him to present it to them. Coco solo didn’t have a hospital when McCain was born. Lending this birth certificate, from off base, more credence.

    Not that it matters. He’s white. All white people are automatically Magic American Patriots. White people also are allowed to suck on the government teet their entire lives and then rail against anyone trying to give the poors some government health cares and stuff they’ve always taken for granted.

    I see Edgydrifter got there foist. Ah well.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=631240]Mad Brahms[/re]: Back in the day when there was outcry for Arnold run for the presidency, his supporters didn’t care what his actual positions were. It was enough that he was born in Austria, where men are white, women are busty, house painters have ambition, and they really know how to throw a parade.

  • Suds McKenzie

    On a positive note, he didn’t crash the train into the ocean.

  • simplygeorge

    Arizona Republicans Seek To Tear Down Statue of Liberty

    In a shocking move (well from Arizona these days, maybe not so shocking), the same Arizona Republicans that want to further enslave Mexicans and deny person born on United States soil (despite this being the law of the United States for 150 years) have asked that the Statue of Liberty be torn down. Announcing that they detest the pagan symbol of a Roman goddess and detest freedom, the Arizonians want to have a “pure” race so we need to rid the US of unwanteds.

  • artpepper

    “Sure, why not?”

    Coincidentally, that’s also what McCain said when Bill Kristol suggested Sarah Palin as a running mate.

  • PrimlyStable

    There’s something about the name “Mitch McConnell” that makes me think some of his ancestors may have come to America from a foreign country in the not-too-distant past. Likewise “John McCain”.

  • PrimlyStable

    In fact, fuck it, let’s just deport the entire population of Boston.

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=631202]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I just watched the excellent documentary “Deadline” about Illinois Governor Ryan’s decision whether to grant pardons to all the death row inmates because the judicial process was fatally (pun intended) flawed.

    It was during the final days of his final term. This is the time many public servants find the courage to do the right thing.

    Sen. McCain, on the other hand…

  • CivicHoliday

    My maternal Grandma immigrated from England and gave birth to my mom before she was a citizen. So…god save the queen, I be a Brit now! I knew that me liking vinegar on fries was no coincidence!

  • daisy chain

    If this thing is retroactive, then logically no one whose parents or grandparents or great grandparents and so forth weren’t born in the United States can be citizens, which means they will all be deported. The Native Americans are going to be really excited about this.