- If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of his lackeys to explain which races are important and/or competitive, though we note that Joan Heffington isn’t even mentioned in the discussion of the Kansas primary, so how accurate can this analysis be, really? 
- Your Wonkette editors had a little discussion yesterday in our secret chat room over whether some random militant types shooting rockets from Egypt over towards Israel and Jordan was “important” enough to mention on our political comedy site, and ultimately decided that it wasn’t. Soldiers from the Israeli and Lebanese armies shooting at each other probably is, though. [BBC]
- Good news, crackheads! Obama signed a law that brings penalties for possessing crack more in line with penalties for possessing powdered cocaine (aka “the rich man’s crack”). This move will certainly not serve as the inspiration for a series of racist Tea Party rally posters featuring Photoshopped depictions of Obama in a crackhouse, right? I mean, who would do that? [AP]
- Bill Clinton did the moonwalk at Chelsea’s wedding! Isn’t that cute? Also, Chelsea invited two White House butlers, who were the only people who paid attention to her between 1993 and 2001. [WP]
April 19, 2014
Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns
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