IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:42 am August 3, 2010

Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns

by Josh Fruhlinger

  • Even Nate Silver's math skills cannot express her chances of winning numericallyIf you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of his lackeys to explain which races are important and/or competitive, though we note that Joan Heffington isn’t even mentioned in the discussion of the Kansas primary, so how accurate can this analysis be, really? [538]
  • Your Wonkette editors had a little discussion yesterday in our secret chat room over whether some random militant types shooting rockets from Egypt over towards Israel and Jordan was “important” enough to mention on our political comedy site, and ultimately decided that it wasn’t. Soldiers from the Israeli and Lebanese armies shooting at each other probably is, though. [BBC]
  • Good news, crackheads! Obama signed a law that brings penalties for possessing crack more in line with penalties for possessing powdered cocaine (aka “the rich man’s crack”). This move will certainly not serve as the inspiration for a series of racist Tea Party rally posters featuring Photoshopped depictions of Obama in a crackhouse, right? I mean, who would do that? [AP]
  • Bill Clinton did the moonwalk at Chelsea’s wedding! Isn’t that cute? Also, Chelsea invited two White House butlers, who were the only people who paid attention to her between 1993 and 2001. [WP]
 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 35 comments }

Terry August 3, 2010 at 8:48 am

Why is Joan posing in front of largely empty book shelves? A message to teabaggers? “Books? I don’t read ‘em either!”

chascates August 3, 2010 at 8:49 am

But what is happening on the Arizona border?!?! Gunfights, beheadings?

facehead August 3, 2010 at 8:52 am

[re=630959]Terry[/re]: She kept only those books which matched her flag.

x111e7thst August 3, 2010 at 8:53 am

[re=630959]Terry[/re]: Ms. Heffington misplaced the phone# for Books by the Yard.

tencentcomic August 3, 2010 at 8:57 am

Secret chat room? What are you guys doing? Someone will catch you. Listen to me. Buy that book on hiding guns. It only costs of four Wonkeete T-shirts for crying out loud. Go to the socialist safe house. Squirrel yourselves into the gun safe, in the hidden room, under the garage floor, in the neighbor’s yard–and THEN talk about this stuff. You are in DANGER. Follow my advice. Also, could you please send me some money for this life-saving intervention on your behalf.

red sky August 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

Other news on the Israeli front, an “international” commission is going to look into the Gaza flotilla masacre,but Israel says they are just going to review the israeli report and everyone else says it’s going to do a new investigation. I’m sure they’ll all agree on how to do it.

Also the lady from V is running for office? Is she even pretending to not be a lizard?

norbizness August 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

Political comedy? Like Mark Russell? Count me the fuck out!

charlesdegoal August 3, 2010 at 9:05 am

Powdered cocaine is what today’s Holly Golightlys do in the powder room.

Toonces August 3, 2010 at 9:07 am

Looking at Joan Heffington’s campaign finance forms on the Kansas government’s website, she received a $159 in-kind contribution from “Personal Image”. Description? “Wig”

weejee August 3, 2010 at 9:09 am

Bill Clinton was walking around mooning at his daughter’s wedding?

Monsieur Grumpe August 3, 2010 at 9:13 am

[re=630966]norbizness[/re]:
Mark Russel is comedy? I never knew.
I thought it was some kind of Alzheimer’s therapy.

Terry August 3, 2010 at 9:14 am

[re=630968]Toonces[/re]:

Damn. She should have talked them into donating a higher quality model.

BeWoot August 3, 2010 at 9:15 am

[re=630968]Toonces[/re]: As wigs go, that one in the picture is pretty inoffensive. Maybe she should read up on the subject, make a more dramatic purchase the next time.

Monsieur Grumpe August 3, 2010 at 9:18 am

Joan has a dominatrix look about her although it looks like it’s her time to be spanked.

Ducksworthy August 3, 2010 at 9:21 am

Giving the paranoid schizophrenics of Kansas a voice. Right on Ms. Heffington!

Ducksworthy August 3, 2010 at 9:21 am

Or actually another voice.

JMP August 3, 2010 at 9:24 am

Ah, one tiny little half-step forward into ending this country’s insane and horrendously damaging War on Drugs. At this rate, we should have a logical policy in place sometime before the sun explodes into a red giant and bakes the Earth.

Geogre August 3, 2010 at 9:29 am

Do you think Nate Silver would get down into a ditch for a vote?

I don’t think Nate Silver would get down into a ditch for a vote. This is why he is not as important as… um… Joan Hefferting.

Also, though, I hear that Christiane Amanpour made Walnuts cry, so she must be fired today, because Walnuts is the only guest available for Sunday morning shows.

weejee August 3, 2010 at 9:32 am

[re=630977]JMP[/re]: one tiny little half-step indeed

The folks with the biggest needle in their arm, is law enforcement and all those various “war on drugs” monies. If the federales pull the plug on that cash cow, at yer neighborhood police station or sheriff’s office it will be worse that the class angle duster bouncin’ off the walls as they are coming down in the rubber room.

El Pinche August 3, 2010 at 9:32 am

Who’s the Talbot’s mannequin?

FMA August 3, 2010 at 9:36 am

[re=630972]BeWoot[/re]: She should go for the Oily Taint model next time.

[re=630970]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Good Christ, is he still alive? A few years back, I was at an event at which the Capitol Steps performed their “comedy” stylings. When they finished, I wanted to slit my wrists.

MarieDeGournay August 3, 2010 at 9:37 am

Now if they would only make it legal to smoke crack in a DARE car I’d be satisfied.

HedonismBot August 3, 2010 at 9:38 am

Keep fucking that chicken, Israel. And by “fucking that chicken,” I mean fighting wars with all your neighbors at the same time, always.

Geogre August 3, 2010 at 9:46 am

[re=630970]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Oh, y’all lighten up on Mark Russell.

He’s a gateway comedian for wonky 11 year olds in isolation in their middle schools because they’ve watched the news. They will eventually discover Leer and then go on, eventually, to “biting satire” from Buchwald and then eventually become completely jaded, impotent, corpulent, and vicious and show up here.

Autochthon August 3, 2010 at 9:47 am

[re=630975]Ducksworthy[/re]: Or voices.

proudgrampa August 3, 2010 at 9:48 am

Fuck it. Let’s just get it over with. Nuke the entire Middle East. Put them all out of their misery. Looks like it’s all headed that way, anyway.

Juar sayin’.

proudgrampa August 3, 2010 at 9:55 am

[re=630986]proudgrampa[/re]: Wow. Looks like I was off of home row.

Sgt. Biyatch August 3, 2010 at 10:24 am

I think Marion Barry is lighting up as we speak.
“Bitch Obama set me up!”

chascates August 3, 2010 at 11:09 am

[re=630986]proudgrampa[/re]: But we need their oilz! They can shill their pagan tomfoolery as long as we can get that.

BTW, proudgrampa, KUT.org (Austin’s NPR FM) is running all the artists & songs that played at the Armadillo all this week & its streaming online. If you want to get primed up for your move back to America’s grooveland!

proudgrampa August 3, 2010 at 11:44 am

[re=631027]chascates[/re]: OH, man! I can’t wait. Thanks for the tip!

S.Luggo August 3, 2010 at 11:54 am

Mmmm, fine Corinthian leather.

BarackMyWorld August 3, 2010 at 12:22 pm

I live in a TV viewing area that serves 2 red states having primaries today, which basically means every commerical break is a dick waving contest over who is the most conservative (i.e. throw illegal immigrants in jail and repeal every business regulation, ever).

GOPCrusher August 3, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Are we sure that Joan Heffington and Orly Taitz aren’t the same person? I mean, has anyone ever seen them in the same room at the same time?

Neilist August 3, 2010 at 2:48 pm

You know, that “Yvonne DeCarlo Look” really stiffens up the old Herman Munster in my pants.

BobTheBuilder August 3, 2010 at 5:20 pm

[re=631258]Neilist[/re]: Gotta agree. I am embarrassed to say that she makes me quite randy.

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