About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • memzilla

    Dickwad Hams!

  • chascates

    “You know what I worry most about: an unholy alliance between the right and the left,” Graham said.

  • OzoneTom

    Too bad that she didn’t get his Ham Biscuit recipe.

  • Extemporanus

    That headline is the verbal equivalent to Easter brunch at grandma’s house.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Crap on the floor??? What, Vitter’s over again?

  • Gorillionaire

    Can’t even think about Candy Crowley without thinking about Matt Taibbi’s brutal takedown of her during the 2004 campaign. She likes cookies. Alot, apparently.

  • Army of None

    When Snowbunny Grifter is elected and in office, at the helm, a statue will be erected on the National Mall of this beloved patriot, embracing his good buddy, Senator Joe Lieberman. How long before this glorious day comes into being?

  • bago

    Now I have to google Seth galifinakis. Thanks guys.

  • bflrtsplk

    What a cracker! Teehee!

  • Brick Oven Bill

    Lindsey is a credit to his sexual orientation.

  • marioninnyc

    It’s so nice he’s had this second career thing since Will and Grace got canclled. He was a hoot as Karen’s height challenged frenemy.

  • Radiotherapy

    I don’t know about anything about “ham biscuits”, but I’m sure never gonna eat Crowley.

  • Nappied Hypotenuse

    [re=630800]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Not with crap on his living room floor, he isn’t.

  • GIJoeIce

    Dickwad Hambiscuits. Can this be a Wheel of Fortune “before and after” puzzle?

  • DoktorZoom

    Candied Dickwad Ham & Biscuits–coming soon to a Shoney’s near you!

  • Beowoof

    [re=630806]Radiotherapy[/re]: That would certainly put a lot on your plate.

    Also, were they talking Dick WadHAM biscuits?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=630800]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Just as you’re a credit to yours, Bill.

    Ten will get you twenty, this is Bill’s likeness.

  • Joshua Norton

    Insert world-class eye roll here.

  • just pixels

    He’s even more Southern than Tennessee Williams. More Southern than Andy Griffith in Key West. More Southern than an Gulf drilling rig.

  • you didn’t ask, but

    Stupid interview, worthless answers. (What the fuck is this? A Miss America pageant?) This motherfucker is a hard-core political wheeler-dealer and this is what she came up with? I don’t know shit about Lindsey Graham after that little quiz.
    Also too: Drop the folksy shit, Lindsey. It didn’t work out for Kevin Spacey in that movie shot in Savannah,it ain’t working for you.
    And Candy, with the girlish laugh, oy.

  • Brick Oven Bill

    Congratulations on the wedding Roscoe. I think it is as wonderful as the subject of this post, our mutual friend, Lindsey.

  • Neilist

    Is this the HOMO on whom Holly Golightly was based?

    Because this fat cracker looks NOTHING like Audrey Hepburn.

  • FlownOver

    Lindsey Graham, ham biscuits and Candy Crowley – that headline’s a world-class equal-opportunity boner killer, that is.

  • momus

    Practicing your profession in uniform is much better than getting shot at.

  • O_o

    “What’s the best nickname anybody has come up with for those flabby jowls of yours?”

    “Ham biscuits.”

  • LeftLeftie

    10am-2pm with an hour for lunch.
    No, senators are not out of touch at all. Don’t forget every Friday off and an “August recess” that no one else in the whole country gets. Geh! Enjoy your golf at Senator.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=630846]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: GAH!!!

    I sent your link to this Yank GI’s wedding album over to a Thai baby-dyke of my acquaintance, and this was her measured response…

  • Kazoom

    Waiter? There’s a hair apparent on my Candied Dickwad Ham & Biscuits.

  • Enslave the Whales

    Wait. The guy’s name is actually Dickwad Ham Biscuits?

  • Bearbloke

    [re=630800]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: [re=630848]Neilist[/re]: [re=630910]Enslave the Whales[/re]: No no, Mate! “Sister Ham Biscuits” is the name Miss Lindsey plans to use when he finally butches-up and joins the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence… until then he’s just peeking out of the closet a bit…

  • Enslave the Whales

    [re=630916]Bearbloke[/re]: Sister Ham Biscuits has a nice balance. You could probably dance to it. And I guess you could still say “That dickwad Sister Ham Biscuits”.

    Okay, I’m sold.

  • iburl

    Wow, that was uncomfortable. I think Candy knows something that she wants to say that Lindsay doesn’t want her to say.

  • Mr Blifil

    Why is Candy Crowley talking to him as if she’s all happy? She sounds as if she’s addressing a 2nd grader at a class trip to a petting zoo. And really, gales of hysteria at the deathless phrase “a bunch of crap on the floor?” She really thinks she’s going to turn him around doesn’t she?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=630846]Mmmmm, Pizza! Bill[/re]: I’ve been slayed by a commenter with an excessive love for extra-cheese deep dish pizza pie. Imagine, it’s been suggested that I’m friends with a couple of self-loathing queens. How will I bear this shame?

  • obfuscator

    i’m glad that Investigative Journalism has uncovered the real truth. lindsey graham is an effective human being for 4 hours each day, presumably 5 days a week, only when the senate is in session.

  • DemmeFatale

    Ha, ha, ha!!
    Reserve duty in Afghanistan!!!
    What a funny quip, what a knee-slapper!!!
    Oh, Lindsey!!!
    You’re SO funny!!!
    Ha, ha, ho, ho!!!

  • Suds McKenzie

    So Jabba the Hut still has a job on the teevee, but Campbell Brown is stuck at home, alone, in a corner breastfeeding her spawn?

  • Trinkett

    What did he like best about being a JAG? Wearing the uniform! tee hee hee

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=630950]Trinkett[/re]: Or as Ronald Reagan would say, “wearing his Air Force costume”

  • El Pinche

    When dykes talk amongst each other, the code words change. Here’s the translation:

    Ham Biscuits = Green Balloons

  • actor212

    Ham Biscuits played left field for the Durham Bulls in the late 70s and holds the minor league record for most laughs in a single at-bat from drunk rednecks.

  • Scaggsville guy

    Oh for Chrissake. Lindsay drops his purse every time he does that thing with his eyelids–sort of lowers them gently like a Southern belle flirting with her favorite beau….

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    “Ham Biscuits” is really a code for doing the Hokey Pokey with yer’, uh, “ham.”

    Like, Ham = meat, and biscuits = “whisker biscuits,” or, “hairy nether-regions.” Basically, putting your meat into a hairy nether region, that also has meat. I can’t make it any clearer.

  • XOhioan

    Lindsey, please say “Fiddle dee dee!”

  • Bearbloke

    [re=631192]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: eh?