What happens when the blacks criminals break into your house? You pick one of your 63 guns off the shelf, shoot them until their brain matter splatters all over you, and lick your fingers after a job well done, right? But what if these criminals are there to take away your God-given Second Amendment rights by stealing all of your guns? This is the premise of a hilarious service, the aptly-named hideyourguns.com, which advertises on conservative websites. This thing wants to sell you a $60 manual (please look at the cover art) that will keep you one step ahead of the criminals who want to steal all of your precious guns.
At first look, this may seem like one of those “I’m a suburban mom that made sixty-thousand acai berries online by following this one old secret” ads that pop up everywhere. But this is DIFFERENT.
As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look.
I knew that hidden safely away in my house was my real gun collection, the one worth thousands of dollars and including muzzle loaders from the War Between the States and a few guns my grandfather gave me when I was young. The truth is, even if they had known where to look, they wouldn’t have gotten them.
HAHA! See, you have to trick those blacks criminals into taking your decoy guns, the ones you don’t even care about that much! That is part of this ingenious wingnut secret!
I also explain the truth about a ‘panic room’ and how and when it might be a good idea for you to get busy and build one. But that’s not all. I reveal the cold hard truth about buying the right kind of safe for your valuables, including:
When you need a safe and what kind to buy
Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it
(page 15)
What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe
Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buyIf you’re like me, you’re not just worried about hiding your guns but gold coins and other valuables as well. The truth is, you should be building an emergency preparedness plan for your family or loved ones right now in the event of a terrorist attack or civil unrest. (I cover all this in the book)
But one warning before I continue…
If you’re shocked by straight talk about the nature of the crisis facing our country, this book may not be for you. And if you’re a liberal and are offended by talk about God and country, this is definitely not for you.
Oh goody! This important information is only available to us patriots!
But I do give you step by step examples you can implement immediately to secure your guns, gold and other valuables. With this new-found knowledge you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless.
I have to warn you… this information is likely to send
shockwaves through the liberal media, so be discreet about
how you use it and who you tell about it.
OKAY! OKAY! Secret is safe with us! (Haha, dumb dead libruls.)
This book is the only one of its kind in the world, sort of like having your own private pass to Fort Knox, where your guns and valuables are safe from predators.
Henmejdughhhhldpaddoooopahhhhhhhhhhh! We just came.
Please folks, do not keep your guns in hollowed-out books like the one “Sharkman” shows us in the video and tells us is very popular. Get out your Ron Paul coins and buy this book now!
Now back to you, LeVar Burton. [Hide Your Guns]
{ 92 comments }
“I’m a suburban mom that made sixty-thousand acai berries online by following this one old secret”
Did you omit a word or this is deliberate snark?
I like how they equate blacks and criminals. Nothing racist about that, no sir.
What are urban street gangs if not organized militias defending their second amendment rights?
Alright, that’s it, I give up Americans. I’m on the first flight back to Australia, you people are straight up insane.
On the cover art, is that thing to the right of Chairman Mao and above Joseph Stalin a Sega Saturn Arcade Stick?
Sure looks like it to me.
Hidey-ourguns.com? Pussies.
He blends the threats posed by your garden variety street hoodlum with the “Big G” and their black helicopters. Masterful. There’s just not enough to fear in one crazy fucked-up delusion, apparently.
Muzzle loaders from the War Between The States?
Which states were those? Sumer and Mesopotamia?
Also, that’s the same book they sell to the Darkies, cept their version is called “SHIT MY NIGGAZ Y’ALL GOTS TA HIDE YO MOFUGGIN WEED ON THA DOWN-LOW”, in case Whitey steps to them with aggression.
So the book is written by Sam Adams.
Wimp.
I prefer books by Malcolm Drambuie.
“Where you can hide your guns, gold, valuables, and kidnapped minors serving as sex slaves. It’s all right here in my book, including how to bury a schoolbus without attracting unwanted attention from the Liberal Nazi Communist Government.”
White people will steal my guns and sell them to black people? Why don’t black people steal my guns themselves? Lazy black people!
A well-hidden gun safe is like America’s Fort Knox!
That’s the exact same thing I say when I climax.
Hitler, Mao, and Stalin are coming for your guns and gold coins! Oh Noes! This is the nightmare that Glenn Beck has every night then wakes up to cuddle his blankie and male real-doll.
You will learn all the super-secret secret places to hide things including how to hide things:
On Top Of Things
Underneath Things
Inside of Things
Outside of Things
And the supersecret never before revealed location: Inside the Freezer, On Top of Aunt Millie’s leftover cheesecake, Underneath them squirrels we hunted last spring.
This is an excellent companion piece for those masses who believe The Turner Diaries is a documentary. And if you’re that cross-eyed and drooling, you really should be putting your guns somewhere they can’t be found.
With oil and food prices rising and gold at all-time highs, criminals are getting desperate and your guns are more valuable than ever. Don’t wait until it’s too late… order today!
That why I go straight to the food kitchen and shoot the homeless before rising food prices send them to my kitchen!
“After all, just a few years ago, I was running some pretty freaky Special Forces missions.”
Really? Sounds intense. What kind of freaky stuff happened? More details pls.
As a liberal, I find this extremely dangerous and threatening. We need to get together and shut this guy’s site down!
This sounds like a great book, but I’m going to wait for it to come out in a shocking video starring Jenna Jameson. (Who has time to read?)
“Where to put your money and credit cards so they’ll never be found… but you can access them in an instant”
Eww. Gross.
Seriously, though, does this guy realize that some “punks” have computers? And that they may even buy his book and learn his terrible secrets?
Ha ha, no, just kidding, no one would waste money on this book.
[re=630695]ph7[/re]: And yet… I read a story today about the dangers of deflation… Could it be that the people buying gold coins and planning for the hyperinflation to come have been duped? Nah.
Shorter Hide Your Guns: Hide them somewhere sneaky, but leave a trail of acai berries so you don’t forget where.
Just shot up to the top of my list of Holiday Gifts For The ATF/DEA Agent In Your Life That Are 85% Gag and 15% “This May Quietly Save Your Ass and/or Net You A Promotion.”
Hide them in your home? I thought every patriot was supposed to keep all their guns on their person at all times! Wolverines!
Isn’t owning guns supposed to deter these kinds of thefts to begin with? Maybe they can put a sign in their front yards that say “There are no guns in this house.”
OK, last one.
“Please do NOT post this on Facebook or any social media. I don’t want this to go viral and frankly don’t want ANY additional publicity.”
And then, at the bottom of the page:
ShareThis (with the customary link to every social media site you can think of).
“The War Between the States”? Doesn’t he mean “The War of Northern Aggression”?
Look for my new book, coming this fall: So, You’ve Flipped Your Motherfuckin’ Lid…
In it, I’ll address the ways your gold coins will serve you better by giving them to me, and how you can survive the imminent apocalypse just by setting ordinary landmines (available at your local army surplus store) around your property. (Hint: Don’t forget to diagram their location, for your own sake.)
[re=630714]Barrett808[/re]: Which the South did not lose, of course.
[re=630676]Barrelhse[/re]: Well, in the movie Angel Heart, that’s where Mickey Rourke’s character tried hiding his.
Sooo messy!
(Also: “Epiphany’s Pussy” is my new band name.)
BTW, books like this are nothing new. Because my cousin, back in the late 80′s, doing a lot cocaine with his fraternity brothers, was going through a paranoid-fantasy-survivalist phase, I was exposed to a bunch of stuff like this, and it’s mostly hilarious.
Xerox-printed from typewritten pages and stapled with two staples not quite adequate to hold it together. Hilarious misspellings, sentences ending here and there a few words short of a complete clause, crude hand-drawn diagrams, pages missing or out of numerical sequence. Arrives in a yellow envelope with a dozen or so small-denomination stamps, and eh, what’s the odd smell?
Ganja and human body odor. Weird and gross.
This is great. Now, after The Coming Troubles are upon us and we are living in Road Warrior world, if my neighbor won’t take the Swiss 20 Franc pieces I bought from Goldline when I try to buy some of the stock from his Survival Seed Bank, I can bust a cap in his ass because the blacks, er, Criminals folks couldn’t find my guns when they broke into my place. Eh, maybe not, I fucking hate vegetables.
With some properly placed Claymores you can leave ur gunz on the coffee table next to the picture window with the drapes open and lights on. Note, this approach can be hard on dogs, cats, and children, unless they are kept locked in the closet when the Claymores are armed.
It’s sort of ironic that the people who are worried about their guns being taken away are probably the ones who most *need* them to be taken away, for public safety…
I hope they hide them and then forget where they put them
Did you buy gold and guns with money you should have sunk into your idiotic credit card and mortgage debt right before deflation makes it twice as hard to pay off? Congratulations, you are a perfect sucker for this purchase too!
Shhhh, don’t tell your librul neighbors about this, they might point out giving me your weekly grocery money is a stupid thing to do.
[re=630674]Blogette[/re]: Did you not see the cover art of the book? The Great Helmsman and Uncle Joe. They’re back man! They’re back!
For a less militent take on this topic I recommend the scribd classic “Secret Hiding Places”:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/21413233/Secret-Hiding-Places
It is woderfull in ways I cannot describe.
Bitorrent linky. The anarchists take their faith seriously and simply steal stuff from the libertarians.
Sounds like those retarded religous tracks people leave in bathrooms for other retards.
Whatever happened to the simple concept of a safe? Keep your valuables away from bad guys, regardless of skin-tone, and keep your guns and porn out of the hands of kids. Oh, they know about those old Hustler magazines you have hidden in the garage, you know, behind the Christmas lights…
[re=630680]Troubledog[/re]: Must be a Damn Yankee since all real men know it’s the WAR OF NORTHERN AGRESSION!
[re=630731]Weedle[/re]: Amongst my relatives, this usually results in a shrug and an “oh well, that Mauser/AK/Barrett will turn up eventually.” They get more worked up when they misplace a flashlight.
•Use common furniture to create the most secret hiding places that even highly skilled thieves will never suspect
>>> under the sofa cushions!
•The common household appliances you should never use as hiding places
>>> Microwave oven!!!
•Where to put your money and credit cards so they’ll never be found… but you can access them in an instant
>>> Up your ass!!!
Thank God the Blacks don’t know how to read, or they could just get the book and figure where the good guns are.
Still, based upon watching FOX and Glen Beck, I thought that when you were afraid of the Blacks, your only hope was to buy the gold.
Of course, there is always G. Gordon Liddy’s method of protection: First buy gold, then a head shot. And the cool thing is that he says that it also works when the feds come for your guns.
[re=630711]Guppy06[/re]: There does seem to be a problem with their theory. If you hide your guns so well no one can find them, you are just leaving yourself open to all sorts of minorities taking your stuff.
[re=630755]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I can hide a .44 mag and 4 sticks of dynamite up my arse. I ain’t too proud.
But where the hell is Neilist going to hide his Howitzer?
Seriously folks – this is why you should NOT store bullets in your Microwave oven:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGc8F0JSJfY
[re=630669]rafflesinc[/re]: Jack Steuf was obviously distracted equating these black people taking away guns with Obama somehow. Surprised he didn’t try incorporate into his story and then add a “HaHa” like it’s just a joke. Kinda like how Repukes regularly used code phrases on Faux to try incite violence and asassination attempts. Then when they are confronted by it say it’s just a joke.
Oooooooo! They have newsletter! Just what every apocalypse fearmonger needs to stay ahead of the curve in upcoming survivalist trends.
http://www.solutionsfromscience.com/
They’ve got the market cornered for sure. Try a Google on “solutions from science” and be amazed? Amused? Appalled?
I just hope that no Real US Americans are fooled into buying this book, which is clearly not written by a true Patriot. As several folks have pointed out, he uses the wishy-washy phrase “War Between the States,” which denies the true nature of the War of Northern Aggression. Worse, the cover, while including images of Hitler, Mao, and Stalin, does not depict the face of the True Enemy, which is a cowardly omission. Finally, the ad copy appears to be in Standard English, and free of the typos and all-caps ranting that is the mark of True Americanism.
At bet, this is a RINO; at worst, a false-flag operation.
[re=630674]Blogette[/re]: You have spiders the size of dinner plates there. In all honesty, I’d rather face down a fully armed fuckwit like the one who published this book than a spider who can eat a bird.
And put your money into big-ass gold medallions like that young community organizer is wearing.
[re=630769]Downtheroadapiece[/re]: Heh…well, “Solutions From Science” gets a “D-” rating from the Better Business Bureau. These are indeed the nice folks who brought us the “Survival Seed Bank.” How bad are they? Bad enough that they even managed to piss off some Paultards
This is all code for “hide your guns from Obama”. Even the reference to the “War Between the States” is meant to evoke fear of the Federal government, especially among Southerns who get a woody thinking about Robert E Lee.
Wingers like to say “tyranny is when citizens fear their government, freedom is when government fears its citizens.” What is it when citizens fear their armed, desperately paranoid fellow citizens?
[re=630674]Blogette[/re]: Will you marry me and take me with you? Once off the plane I am out of your hair.
[re=630697]Formerly Preferred[/re]: Oh yeah I am sure he was getting freaky with those contractors in Kabul who were drinking vodka out each others asses. Sounds pretty freaky to me.
[re=630714]Barrett808[/re]: I prefer “the Invasion of the Peaceful and Enlightened Christian Utopia.”
The one old secret I’ve followed for hiding my guns is constructing a handy hiding place under my floorboards. There, I’ve saved you all 20 bucks. Also, the only person I know with guns is white, has 5,000 rounds of ammo (a lot I guess?), and will give me as many as I need when the whiteys rise up.
[re=630758]WhatTheHeck[/re]: “Neilist going to hide his Howitzer?”
In my pants, of course.
Actually, if you’re worried about Obstreperous Negros stealing your firearms, why not take them with you?
If nothing else, they give you something to contemplate when you drive by that schoolyard full of screaming kids . . . .
This might actually be some good advice. I tried taking my handgun collection to my local bank branch to put them in my safe deposit box, and you wouldn’t believe how worked up the security guys got.
Also, mustardman: STFU already.
Chris Rock gave the book advice many years ago. “You want to keep your money safe, hide it in your books, cause books is like kryptonite to niggers.” I think owes Chris some money for patent infringement.
“As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look.”
Sure a bunch a guys broke into my house, beat the shit outta of me and raped my wife. But my precious, precious guns were kept safe so if a bunch of guys broke into my house I’d be able to defend my home and family.
[re=630823]just pixels[/re]: Murka.
Anybody have this chap’s address. I want to egg his f*&^in’ secret safe place.
Anybody have this chap’s address? (w/question mark – fixed!) I want to egg his f*&^in’ secret safe place.
A well-hidden gun safe is like America’s Fort Knox or a FOX News reporter’s twat!
Step one: Hide your handguns in cereal boxes. Criminals never think to look there.
Step two: Hide your extra ammo inside a Teddy bear or other doll. Again, no criminal will look there, as criminals do not like these things.
Step three: Go ahead and put your assault rifle under your child’s bunkbed, because the criminal will not look there, and your child has had the Eddie the Eagle course.
Perfectly safe now! And remember, “If it looks funny, it’s a criminal trying to steal your guns, and the Constitution says you should shoot.”
Oh, you are so clever, Chicken Little. Unfortunately, you’re overlooking one small detail. The marauding horde won’t be the blackies comin’ for your gunz-n-gold. No. They’ll be card-carrying members of the NRA, covered in Mossy Oak, and comin’ for your Natural Light and Velveeta. They may even muster the energy to search your trailer for more gunz – for perhaps 30 seconds.
…you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless
So those tax dollars I am paying to the county will no longer cover police salaries? Or were the men and women in Blue expected to be the first to be Raptured?
[re=630829]Jim89048[/re]: Always happy to hear from my stalkers….errr fans!
[re=630714]Barrett808[/re]:
“The War Between the States”? Doesn’t he mean “The War of Northern Aggression”?
No, the author of the book is hoping to sell to people in the Michigan Militia, the Klan, and loners who keep to themselves equally.
[re=630871]WIDTAP[/re]: Oh, the police?
Salon has a report today about a PA prison official who has been arrested for murder at a shooting range. He wanted another guy’s AR-17 and shot him several times to get it. (Having a gun didn’t protect him now did it?) Anyway, he had been stealing guns from the shooting range for some time, because he was stocking up for a group he would not name that was going to overthrow the government to reinstate the Constitution. He was working with another prison official.
For more freak out, see “Oath Keepers.”
“deep inside my house”. Is this guy a Hobbit or something? I’m guessing that most Wonketeers, like 99% of US residents, and Mr. Hobbit, live in some variation of the wood-framed house, which has many excellent features, but which rarely includes a “deep inside”.
Mr. Hobbit is possibly channeling the Middle Ages, which would also explain his conviction that the real core, or nub, or fap-center, of his weapon collection included muzzle-loaders and guns from grandpa — although, admittedly, given the way the kids are breeding these days, grandpa might have left him some .50 cal machine guns, or a recoilless rifle, or a 20mm. Or, if grandpa and dad were both Levi-esque, even a Vulcan.
Ach, I’m just rambling off into firepower-lust. Sorry. I do not have a Vulcan, although if Neilist has one he no longer needs, I’d probably make him an offer. Completely impractical, but so is post-Impressionism. And, similarly, fun.
Where was I? Ah. You keep your muzzle-loaders safe, Mr. Hobbit. I’d be more worried about either US or NATO standard ammo.
Burglers rob you when you are NOT home; home invaders rob you when they HOPE you’re home. And they’re usually better armed than you.
My now-crazy brother has an AR-15, an Uzi 9 m.m machine pistol, a .40 cal S&W and a 9 m.m. Glock. He is expecting the revolution to start in the Blue confines of Tallahassee, FL, where he lives (ex-State of FL worker).
He writes me long manifestos about how Obama is the anti-Christ and will kill us all.
Should I be concerned?
[re=630680]Troubledog[/re]: In a real civil war, ammo for sophisticated guns will run low quickly. Then those who know how make their own black powder and load it into their own 10 ruppee jazail will have an advantage.
Of course, guns in general are for wimps. Real men use martial arts.
This is the kind of books that Loompanics used to publish, the sort of con advertized on WWCR (World Wide Crackpot Radio) shortwave, along with ionized water and gold coins.
[re=630695]ph7[/re]: Hey, don’t give him ideas!
I’m a firm believer in seeking internal logic. This website doesn’t have any.
First “Sharkman” writes:
“I Decided Right Then And There To Tell Everyone I Could The
True Story Of How I Kept My Guns Safe During A Very Uncertain Time.”
Well, we know Everyone includes just a few thousand suckers with a loose fifty bucks, because then he writes:
“The “Hide Your Guns” book and the bonuses are available to the public until we run out. That’s it! We decided to limit the printing to only a few thousand. There are two reasons for this. One, these techniques will not work if we sell too many copies and spill the beans en mass…”
What other ways are there to spill the beans, Geezer?
Finally, he charges $9.95 to send 4 DVD’s USPS Media Mail? What’s that cost – Three bucks?
Yes, white people. Hide your guns somewhere safe….far, far away from your bedroom nightstand where us darkies are sure to look….like, say a secluded nook in your expansive villa that your jowly ass won’t be able to reach before us fleet-footed young blacks overtake you with our Louisville Sluggers and beat you to a pulp.
Face it: if you’re claiming the black people are breaking in and stealing your guns then I only have 4 words to describe you: black market handgun dealer.
Those American conservatives seem to be very worried people.
On the cover…on the right, second picture down. Is that a guy with a HOOK for a HAND????
Holy Mother of Jeebus.
[re=630919]Mr. Spanky[/re]: Submit some of these manifestos to your Wonkette plz?
[re=630919]Mr. Spanky[/re]: Sounds like your usual middle-of-the-road NW Fla & L.A. guy to me, you should meet some of the crazy people we have around here…
that is the dumbest made up story I have ever read.
what’s the point of hiding your guns if you can’t use them to shoot people in the face when they break into your house? that’s just dumb.
spoiler alert!
* When you need a safe and what kind to buy
how about when you have valuable shit and your front porch is covered in criminals that “are desperate and searching for guns like hungry wolves?”
* Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it
(page 15)
I recommend putting your safe in the bottom of your mine shaft in your back yard, encased in about 9 cubic meters of reinforced concrete.
* What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe
about 3lbs of C-4 and a trip wire
* Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buy
1. Do you take Confederate Dollars?
2. Does this come with the guns already in it?
3. Do you have any safes that have combinations of less then 3 numbers?
4. How will my guns breath when the door is closed?
I have a secret space
It is a sacred place
I wipe it once a day
Its not for hiding secrets
It is just for play..
Fool. The zombies won’t be after your guns–they’ll just want to eat your brains. I guess that means you’re still safe, though.
[re=630919]Mr. Spanky[/re]:
Damn! That’s where I am. I sure don’t see the signs of upcoming revolution here.
You might want to be a little oncerned.
[re=630741]Hoplight[/re]: “The anarchists take their faith seriously and simply steal stuff from the libertarians.”
Well this anarchist finds you link fascist, they require a log in after 6 circular references. *sigh*
[re=630768]mustardman[/re]: Easy there killer, your starting to foam, again.
Back in the 90′s when Clinton was boss and my dad was into all this crap, these same idiots were out in force. Notice when W decided to throw out the Constitution they said nothing. But now that O is continuing in the same vein we gotta protect our guns and white women.
I’m sure this is redundant but still, nice to vent once in awhile.
[re=630919]Mr. Spanky[/re]: Your brother can write? Complete sentences? In the land of the tweeters, the sentence is king.
I hide my guns in the kitty’s litter box. Nobody thinks to look there.
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