WASILLAGEDDON  2:03 pm August 2, 2010

Bristol Palin Breaks Off Engagement With Levi Johnston, Ending Democracy As We Know It

by Jack Stuef

What would George M. Cohan say?For the past few weeks our nation has had hope. Bristol and Levi got back together! That is a leading indicator of decreasing unemployment, somehow, probably! But now those two kids no longer are getting married. It has been reported, with journalism, that Levi’s pregnant ex-girlfriend is not the issue; rather, it’s another ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend with whom Bristol saw Levi in a Facebook photo. What does this mean for Levi’s new job as OMB Director and the future of America itself? We could try to make you wait until after the jump to answer this question, but it’s clear EVERYTHING IS RUINED.

Warblogger Mercede Johnston says Bristol’s jealousy is always like this. All Mercede and her mom want to do is hang out with Levi’s ex-girlfriends and give them gifts on Valentine’s Day, but Bristol won’t let them do it. AND NOW LOOK AT OUR ECONOMY.

But wait, could this all just be part of the plan?

Things now look even bleaker than before they were engaged, and that will make us all the more joyful when Bristol and Levi get paid to ANNOUNCE THEIR RE-RE-ENGAGEMENT on the cover of People magazine. And then it will be very, very bleak when they break off their engagement again when it is reported that Levi knocked up all three hygienists at the local Wal-Mart dentist’s office. But then we will be very, very joyful when Bristol and Levi get paid to announce their re-re-re-engagement on the cover of Star magazine.

And repeat.

Here is a true market solution to fix our economy. Suck on that, Keynes. [E!]

 
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{ 104 comments }

Keram2 August 2, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Where were you on the day love died?

facehead August 2, 2010 at 2:05 pm

WHY JEEBUS?!?!?!!?!? WHY!?!?!?!!?!

chascates August 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Bristol is the new Jennifer Aniston.

Clancy_Pants August 2, 2010 at 2:08 pm

[re=630342]chascates[/re]: At least Bristol has a baby.

you didn't ask, but August 2, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Maybe it was the pix of Chelsea and Marc that made Bristol realize “that’s never going to be my life”. This despite Grandma Grizzly’s, uh, Grandma Grifter’s promises. Sad kid. In more than one bear trap, that one.

But she can get out of ‘em: if she tells Andy about that first baby of hers he’ll pay her like *millions* of dollars!

V572625694 August 2, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Anyone who ever thought “I’d hit that” about Mercede should immediately play the video clip of her on that link. You’ll feel better.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 2, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Whoa- Shannen Doherty had a baby with Levi? That dude gets around.

Native of SL UT August 2, 2010 at 2:11 pm

I haven’t cried this hard since Ally told Ryan that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

iwillsavethispatient August 2, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Bristol can’t afford to be so picky. I mean, she’s a teenage mom, for chrissakes. What teenage boy wants that sort of responsibility? Also, her mother.

Hemp Dogbane August 2, 2010 at 2:12 pm

We’re re-getting married!! The re-reunited couple re-reveal their sudden, secret re-engagement – and why they hid it from Sarah. ‘I Hope My Mom Will Re-Accept Us’

First Re-interview and Photos !

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 2, 2010 at 2:12 pm

I cannot wait for the Elton John song commemorating this sad day for all romantics. If these two can’t find love just because Levi keeps slipping it to other snowbillys, what chance do any of us have?

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 2, 2010 at 2:13 pm

This is good news for Justin Bieber.

JMP August 2, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Maybe someone had a flash of sense and realized that, while having a kid at 17 was a stupid thing to do, getting married at 19 wouldn’t make it any better and is just a horribly dumb idea, it’s way too young for marriage. Oh wait though, these are Palins, none of them have any sense; everything they do is for petty vindictiveness or a way to make money.

Terry August 2, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Well, at least the engagement lasted long enough for magazine to appear on stands. Would have been a bummer if they’d broken up too soon. They might have had to give back the money.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 2, 2010 at 2:14 pm

You have to admit, Bristol has learned the grifting game well from her mom. By the time this is done, she will be a millionaire, and won’t have to marry Levi and worry about whatever diseases his hockey stick is carrying.

Her mom must be so proud.

[re=630352]Native of SL UT[/re]: And, remember, Al and Tipper were the inspiration for that. I guess Bristol and Levi decided to cut to the chase. Still, we can only wait for the great book and movie that will come out of this. I’m pretty sure that Fabio will be behind the writing.

Serolf Divad August 2, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Man, if this is how scandalously awful the offspring of a good Christian mother like Sarah Palin wind up, I can’t even imagine what a mess Bill and Hillary must have made of their child. What was her name, again? Chelsea? Isn’t she in on methadone or something, tring to break a heroin addiction?

Ducksworthy August 2, 2010 at 2:15 pm

[re=630347]V572625694[/re]: So, tell me, is Mercede singular?

just pixels August 2, 2010 at 2:17 pm

As Bill O’Reilly so wisely explained it: Her mother is a pinhead.

Granted, he was discussing a completely different situation. Britney Spears sister had gotten pregnant while still an unmarried teenager … oh wait, that’s the same situation. Per Bill-O: Bristol’s mother is a pinhead.

TheCoolestGuyInTown August 2, 2010 at 2:18 pm

You can keep writing those child support checks, Levi.

weejee August 2, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Continuing with a musical post today…

♫♫ The kids in Wasilla all dressed chinchilla
They all poo when Bristol stomps
Really sump-thin’ when they join in the dumpin’
Then they all poo when Bristol stomps ♫♫

jus_wonderin August 2, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Palins, argh. Such perfect examples of humanity. Oh, and holier than you or me.

They crack me UP!!!!!

SmutBoffin August 2, 2010 at 2:21 pm

This is a thing that gets said in every thread like this, but here goes anyway.

This couple the face of commitment between heterosexual real Americans (TM), and that face is covered in shame and vomit and meth-sores and disappointment. The greasy shitballs still say teh gayz can’t get married because it would ruin blahblahblah institution blah all deserve chainsaw scalp masssages.

chascates August 2, 2010 at 2:22 pm

In about 20 or so years Tripp Palin will make a great name for a gay porn star.

Mountain Dougie August 2, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Holy Shit, that kid is going to grow up to be the kid on the cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire album

GOPCrusher August 2, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Briana Plum? HA!

Joshua Norton August 2, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Gee. No one could have possibly seen this one coming. Apparently Johnston got naked a lot in between his two engagements to Bristol, and I’m not even counting his “Playgirl” photo shoot.

V572625694 August 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm

[re=630365]Ducksworthy[/re]: Sure “Mercede” is singular, just like Pontia and Chevrole.

Extemporanus August 2, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Is Bristol going to return the engagement NuvaRing®?

JohnnyMeatworth August 2, 2010 at 2:28 pm

[re=630355]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I guess that’s why they call it the blues….

Scaggsville guy August 2, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Too bad Sarah didn’t have the cojones to raise a family that isn’t so vulgar and white-trash.

Hooray For Anything August 2, 2010 at 2:30 pm

[re=630342]chascates[/re]: And I think you can say Levi is the new Kevin Federline.

JesusButter August 2, 2010 at 2:30 pm

So according to Mercede’s blog post, Bristol “prayed” Levi wasn’t her baby daddy…but hasn’t she claimed all along that Levi was the only one done put his thang in her twang?
I’m so confused.

Rush August 2, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Clearly Wall St. deems this as good news given the sharp rise in stocks today.

Aurelio August 2, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Is this what passes for royalty-gossip in America? Discussing all the little details and ins and outs of adolescent snowbilly mating-behavior? My God, how far we have sunk as a nation.

Scarab August 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Connect the dots people… Michele Bachmann is carrying Levi’s new love child!

Geogre August 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm

I want Tom Waits to write and perform the nuptial song for this couple.

They’re his sort of characters.

Butterscotch Stalin August 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Where were you when true love died…

Buzz Feedback August 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Kind of a homely broad.

dex August 2, 2010 at 2:34 pm

misty water-colored memories…of the way we were…

JMP August 2, 2010 at 2:34 pm

[re=630363]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I believe I saw a TV show about the Palins the other day. Oh wait, that was just Jerry Springer.

BOOBIES! August 2, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Family values – Wasilla style

rmjag August 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm

[re=630376]chascates[/re]: good . however , levi johnston is a good name for a gay porn star right here and right now ….. he could specialize in ‘face’ pinning . it’s when one wrestler stuffs his bul .. oh never mind ……………..

Hemp Dogbane August 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm

That’s a lot of dirty laundry to fit between the faux woodgrain side-panels of just one blog. Mercede even complains of having to bump her Mom’s story for this important update.

hockeymom August 2, 2010 at 2:37 pm

I do feel sorry for Bristol because you know darn well that her lovely, supportive mother is going to hold this over her head for the rest of her life. “I told you so, I told you so.”
She may have been right, but I’m sure she’s going to be a complete bitch about it.

toooldtocare August 2, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=630386]Extemporanus[/re]: that’s funny….and probably not

Okie Dokie Dog August 2, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Guess I’ll now have to return the weddin’ gifty of cheap crap made in China that I bought at the we-hate-homos Target store.

springfield_meltdown August 2, 2010 at 2:41 pm

How does this effect the Bristol Palin bun in the oven/waistline watch?

Can O Whoopass August 2, 2010 at 2:43 pm

The masked republican butt raper strikes once again!

jus_wonderin August 2, 2010 at 2:44 pm

She does look a bit preggers there. Maybe by “engagement” they meant “engagement“.

Zorg August 2, 2010 at 2:44 pm

The poet laureate of Alaska put my feelings upon reading this into immortal verse back in 1898:
“But you felt that your life had been looted clean
of all that it once held dear;
That someone had stolen the woman you loved;
that her love was a devil’s lie;
That your guts were gone, and the best for you
was to crawl away and die.”

risqueclay August 2, 2010 at 2:45 pm

There goes the chocolate fountain…

Terry August 2, 2010 at 2:45 pm

[re=630364]Serolf Divad[/re]:

Wasn’t she arrested for drinking on a fake ID in Ausin, no that was one of the Bush twins. Wait, she was the one photographed falling down drunk on a sidewalk and accidentally giving a beaver shot….no, the Bush girls again.

Hell, I’m blanking on all the good gossip on Chelsea.

Extemporanus August 2, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=630398]Scarab[/re]: She has morning in America sickness?

[re=630411]toooldtocare[/re]: BOYCOT CUM DIAMONDS!

Terry August 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm

[re=630384]V572625694[/re]:

Bristol’s next baby is going to be named Tacobel. You can bet money on it.

norbizness August 2, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Weird, people are commenting on this.

proudgrampa August 2, 2010 at 2:54 pm

FAMILY VALUES.
Clintons = Lots
Palins = Zip. Nada.

desertwind August 2, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Oh, gawd.

One Mercede is plenty enuff. Wooooof.

SayItWithWookies August 2, 2010 at 2:56 pm

This is just another way station on the road to an appearance on Cops, with Daddy Levi, shirtless and drunk with his neck under the knee of one of Wasilla’s finest, and Mama Grizzly screaming as we see interior shots of the Herculon sofa and love seat set strewn with forties and bags of nachos. It could be a while, though — as every star knows, overnight success is the culmination of years of effort.

bago August 2, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Fuck Jersey Shore, the sellouts. It’s all about The Wasillabillies now! Bringing the drama of all your baby mamas.

JesusButter August 2, 2010 at 3:01 pm

[re=630435]proudgrampa[/re]: I do love the contrast between Chelsea’s gorgeous and sophisticated wedding this weekend and uneducated-Wasilla-trash Bristol breaking up with her baby daddy whilst looking more than a little knocked up for the umpteenth time (and still cashing those abstinence-only checks!). Stay classy, Palins!

SmutBoffin August 2, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=630394]JesusButter[/re]: GOD CAN GET PEOPLE PREGNANT TOO

Baldar T Flagass August 2, 2010 at 3:04 pm

[re=630365]Ducksworthy[/re]: Nah, mére Johnston just got confused when filling out the birth certificate, figured they would charge her for the extra consonant on the end there, and wanted to save that money for her next eight-ball.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 2, 2010 at 3:08 pm

At least all of us can agree that Bristol and Levi’s failed engagement is because Massachusetts allowed teh gayez to get married.

PlanetWingnuta August 2, 2010 at 3:11 pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!Also.

Limeylizzie August 2, 2010 at 3:11 pm

[re=630343]Clancy_Pants[/re]: Mee-ow

GOPCrusher August 2, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Reading Mercede’s blog, I can only think that even Jerry Springer wouldn’t touch this story.

Oblios Cap August 2, 2010 at 3:20 pm

I imagine that since Wasilla has about 100 people, it would be hard for the Johnson to go anywhere without “bumping into” (is that what the kids are calling it these days?)an ex-girlfriend.

RoscoePColtraine August 2, 2010 at 3:21 pm

The Clintons just got lucky with that girl of their’s, Chelsea. The Palins, on the other hand, have wisely hedged their bets by having five children, giving them more chances at having one grow up to not be a national embarrassment. Who’s up next, Willow or Piper?

JMP August 2, 2010 at 3:22 pm

[re=630426]Terry[/re]: If it’s a boy, sure, but the girls don’t get the T-names; a daughter will be named Marlboro.

brown_recluse August 2, 2010 at 3:27 pm

I bet the engagement fell through because the reality show fell through first.

PlanetWingnuta August 2, 2010 at 3:29 pm

[re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: tis too bad really cause their (the kids) mom really is an international embarassment.

PlanetWingnuta August 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Tis too bad really cause their (the kids) mom is an International Embarassment…boy wait till the kids are old enough to google their mom on the interwebs for a project at school.

germansteel August 2, 2010 at 3:30 pm

You can write this down and if I’m wrong, you can sue me, but I guarantee that Bristol will weigh 200 pounds (minimum) in another 3 years, tops. Look at those hamhocks on her in that photo and tell me, amirite?

RoscoePColtraine August 2, 2010 at 3:31 pm

[re=630492]brown_recluse[/re]: Come on, use your imagination. The possibilities this opens up are plentiful! How about a reality show featuring a contest to decide WHO in America is worthy to step into Levi’s shoes and be this baby daddy? Goal #1 Keep Bristol’s profile up. Goal #2 Make Money. Goal #3 Find a suitable father figure for Bristol’s babies, present and future.

PlanetWingnuta August 2, 2010 at 3:32 pm

[re=630448]bago[/re]: You know…i would love to see a video of someone punching sarah…just like snooki got hers. “WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PUNCH A HOCKEY MOM LIKE THAT THERE?”

madtowngooner August 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

[re=630373]weejee[/re]: The kids IN Bristol. There, fixed.

RoscoePColtraine August 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm

As a matter of personal policy, I only give a dude ONE opportunity to dump his girlfriend for me. He goes back to her and they break up again? Don’t come crawling back my way, buddy. I’ve had it with you. I’ve got my pride to consider. I’ve got my self of stream. We. Are. Through.

rmjag August 2, 2010 at 3:46 pm

[re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: palin’s kids . oldest boy deals drugs , cuts brake lines on school buses , bristol is etenally pregnant , willow holds drunken vandalizing breaking and entering parties , piper is used as a shield at hockey games to soaks up the catcalling for mom , and the baby has downs syndrome . Bush girls , drugs , alcohol and beaver shots galore . Chelsea Clinton and the Obama kids are such trash by comparison , what with all the snotty learn’in and real morals and self-respect etc ….

hiphophitler August 2, 2010 at 4:01 pm

It’s reactionary thinking at its finest: they decided if Democrats like Chelsea Clinton get married, there must be something wrong with the institution and it should be abolished.

steverino247 August 2, 2010 at 4:19 pm

I see the check from Us Magazine cleared. Now they can do whatever they want to again. And doesn’t Levi look a bit like Mr. Knoxville in Men in Black II? (“You like egg salad?”)

JoeMac August 2, 2010 at 4:20 pm

[re=630492]brown_recluse[/re]: Iwas thinking the same thing. The only reason these two nit wits were even talking to each other was a scam to make money with a reality tv show. After all Mom is doing it with the inappropriately named TCL(The Learning Channel my ass, unless it is learning how to be a red neck grifter, dumb ass moron).

Levi’s Mom needs to put down the meth for a while and show her son how to use a rubber.

GOPCrusher August 2, 2010 at 4:21 pm

[re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I’m going with Trig. The dude is going to grow up to be the biggest cock hound in Alaska. Women will be paying to sample that Palin man meat.

rmjag August 2, 2010 at 4:25 pm

the palins are to the Clintons what the bush family was to the Kennedys , before they murdered so many of them and , along with their CIA drug empire , succeded in elevating themselves to the highest level of trash in the entire realm …. only jok’in . honest …

AutomaticPilot August 2, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=630501]germansteel[/re]: Exactly! maybe she should try going “jawging” with her mawm. [re=630423]risqueclay[/re]: More like fun-size Nestle crunch bars stolen from the bulk bins.

OhBoy August 2, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Looks like Kathy Griffin is still in the running!!!!!

Accordion-o-rama August 2, 2010 at 4:51 pm

They’re canceling the wedding? Now what are they going to do with all that meth?

Extemporanus August 2, 2010 at 4:57 pm

[re=630617]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: It’s box meth — it’ll keep.

cheaphits August 2, 2010 at 5:29 pm

And Caroline Kennedy And the Johnson girls and Amy Carter – “snotty learn’n and morals and self respect” – the wingnuts have “family values” and apparently knocked up daughters and Facebook wars…interesting, huh?

rocktonsammy August 2, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Does this have anything to do with Jenna Jameson’s shocking video?

sharkbait August 2, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Does Levi play in the NBA?
Dude has GOT to figure out the condom confusion.
Ah fuck him, the world needs ditchdiggers too.

Hoplight August 2, 2010 at 5:56 pm

At least she has a future in diet infomercials. Oh, is she preggers again? Her mom STILL hasn’t had the balls to tell her where babies come from?

steverino247 August 2, 2010 at 6:48 pm

[re=630685]rocktonsammy[/re]: What could Jenna do that would be shocking in any way when she’s done it every way?

Joe the Plumber August 2, 2010 at 7:07 pm

[re=630358]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

Does Justin have a thing for Levi?

NYNYNY August 2, 2010 at 7:12 pm

[re=630702]Hoplight[/re]: Yeah, Levi dropped in on the Palin couch just long enough to impregnate a few of the Mooselinas, now its back TO HOLLYWOOD!

Flanders August 2, 2010 at 7:53 pm

Boy those are some blue eyes on that kid. I wonder how many dicks she had up in her during the “week of probable conception”, cuz I’m thinking maybe that kid ain’t Levi’s.

Flanders August 2, 2010 at 8:00 pm

[re=630510]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: But….aren’t you gay? oh yeah, I guess I see what you mean.

oldguy August 2, 2010 at 8:09 pm

[re=630360]JMP[/re]: “Or”?

Enslave the Whales August 2, 2010 at 8:20 pm

Next cover of US: same picture, with text “JK” in 114 point white.

oldguy August 2, 2010 at 8:24 pm

[re=630394]JesusButter[/re]: Well, there’s always God…. Right in the ear with a shaft of light.

oldguy August 2, 2010 at 8:28 pm

[re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: It’s sort of inspiring just imagining the dinner table conversations.

June Cleaver 2.0 August 2, 2010 at 8:33 pm

Whose baby did they steal?

MissEllie August 2, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Well, if these two kids can’t make it work, then what are the chances for…wow, I can’t believe I’m the first person to say that. And by the way, little Tripper has a distinctive “Bad Seed/Damien” look. We’ll be hearing from him.

Long Form Def Certificate August 2, 2010 at 11:24 pm

It’s a shame Thornton Wilder isn’t around to update Our Town.

rmjag August 3, 2010 at 10:19 am

levi is the sex master of wasilla . in the upcoming movie he will teabag sarah unto oblivion . i play the part of sarah , kind of …

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