wasillageddon

Bristol Palin Breaks Off Engagement With Levi Johnston, Ending Democracy As We Know It

What would George M. Cohan say?For the past few weeks our nation has had hope. Bristol and Levi got back together! That is a leading indicator of decreasing unemployment, somehow, probably! But now those two kids no longer are getting married. It has been reported, with journalism, that Levi’s pregnant ex-girlfriend is not the issue; rather, it’s another ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend with whom Bristol saw Levi in a Facebook photo. What does this mean for Levi’s new job as OMB Director and the future of America itself? We could try to make you wait until after the jump to answer this question, but it’s clear EVERYTHING IS RUINED.

Warblogger Mercede Johnston says Bristol’s jealousy is always like this. All Mercede and her mom want to do is hang out with Levi’s ex-girlfriends and give them gifts on Valentine’s Day, but Bristol won’t let them do it. AND NOW LOOK AT OUR ECONOMY.

But wait, could this all just be part of the plan?

Things now look even bleaker than before they were engaged, and that will make us all the more joyful when Bristol and Levi get paid to ANNOUNCE THEIR RE-RE-ENGAGEMENT on the cover of People magazine. And then it will be very, very bleak when they break off their engagement again when it is reported that Levi knocked up all three hygienists at the local Wal-Mart dentist’s office. But then we will be very, very joyful when Bristol and Levi get paid to announce their re-re-re-engagement on the cover of Star magazine.

And repeat.

Here is a true market solution to fix our economy. Suck on that, Keynes. [E!]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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104 comments

  1. you didn't ask, but

    Maybe it was the pix of Chelsea and Marc that made Bristol realize “that’s never going to be my life”. This despite Grandma Grizzly’s, uh, Grandma Grifter’s promises. Sad kid. In more than one bear trap, that one.

    But she can get out of ‘em: if she tells Andy about that first baby of hers he’ll pay her like *millions* of dollars!

  2. V572625694

    Anyone who ever thought “I’d hit that” about Mercede should immediately play the video clip of her on that link. You’ll feel better.

  3. Native of SL UT

    I haven’t cried this hard since Ally told Ryan that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

  4. iwillsavethispatient

    Bristol can’t afford to be so picky. I mean, she’s a teenage mom, for chrissakes. What teenage boy wants that sort of responsibility? Also, her mother.

  5. Hemp Dogbane

    We’re re-getting married!! The re-reunited couple re-reveal their sudden, secret re-engagement – and why they hid it from Sarah. ‘I Hope My Mom Will Re-Accept Us’

    First Re-interview and Photos !

  6. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I cannot wait for the Elton John song commemorating this sad day for all romantics. If these two can’t find love just because Levi keeps slipping it to other snowbillys, what chance do any of us have?

  7. JMP

    Maybe someone had a flash of sense and realized that, while having a kid at 17 was a stupid thing to do, getting married at 19 wouldn’t make it any better and is just a horribly dumb idea, it’s way too young for marriage. Oh wait though, these are Palins, none of them have any sense; everything they do is for petty vindictiveness or a way to make money.

  8. Terry

    Well, at least the engagement lasted long enough for magazine to appear on stands. Would have been a bummer if they’d broken up too soon. They might have had to give back the money.

  9. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    You have to admit, Bristol has learned the grifting game well from her mom. By the time this is done, she will be a millionaire, and won’t have to marry Levi and worry about whatever diseases his hockey stick is carrying.

    Her mom must be so proud.

    [re=630352]Native of SL UT[/re]: And, remember, Al and Tipper were the inspiration for that. I guess Bristol and Levi decided to cut to the chase. Still, we can only wait for the great book and movie that will come out of this. I’m pretty sure that Fabio will be behind the writing.

  10. Serolf Divad

    Man, if this is how scandalously awful the offspring of a good Christian mother like Sarah Palin wind up, I can’t even imagine what a mess Bill and Hillary must have made of their child. What was her name, again? Chelsea? Isn’t she in on methadone or something, tring to break a heroin addiction?

  11. just pixels

    As Bill O’Reilly so wisely explained it: Her mother is a pinhead.

    Granted, he was discussing a completely different situation. Britney Spears sister had gotten pregnant while still an unmarried teenager … oh wait, that’s the same situation. Per Bill-O: Bristol’s mother is a pinhead.

  12. weejee

    Continuing with a musical post today…

    ♫♫ The kids in Wasilla all dressed chinchilla
    They all poo when Bristol stomps
    Really sump-thin’ when they join in the dumpin’
    Then they all poo when Bristol stomps ♫♫

  13. jus_wonderin

    Palins, argh. Such perfect examples of humanity. Oh, and holier than you or me.

    They crack me UP!!!!!

  14. SmutBoffin

    This is a thing that gets said in every thread like this, but here goes anyway.

    This couple the face of commitment between heterosexual real Americans (TM), and that face is covered in shame and vomit and meth-sores and disappointment. The greasy shitballs still say teh gayz can’t get married because it would ruin blahblahblah institution blah all deserve chainsaw scalp masssages.

  15. Mountain Dougie

    Holy Shit, that kid is going to grow up to be the kid on the cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire album

  16. Joshua Norton

    Gee. No one could have possibly seen this one coming. Apparently Johnston got naked a lot in between his two engagements to Bristol, and I’m not even counting his “Playgirl” photo shoot.

  17. V572625694

    [re=630365]Ducksworthy[/re]: Sure “Mercede” is singular, just like Pontia and Chevrole.

  18. Scaggsville guy

    Too bad Sarah didn’t have the cojones to raise a family that isn’t so vulgar and white-trash.

  19. Hooray For Anything

    [re=630342]chascates[/re]: And I think you can say Levi is the new Kevin Federline.

  20. JesusButter

    So according to Mercede’s blog post, Bristol “prayed” Levi wasn’t her baby daddy…but hasn’t she claimed all along that Levi was the only one done put his thang in her twang?
    I’m so confused.

  21. Aurelio

    Is this what passes for royalty-gossip in America? Discussing all the little details and ins and outs of adolescent snowbilly mating-behavior? My God, how far we have sunk as a nation.

  22. Geogre

    I want Tom Waits to write and perform the nuptial song for this couple.

    They’re his sort of characters.

  23. JMP

    [re=630363]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I believe I saw a TV show about the Palins the other day. Oh wait, that was just Jerry Springer.

  24. rmjag

    [re=630376]chascates[/re]: good . however , levi johnston is a good name for a gay porn star right here and right now ….. he could specialize in ‘face’ pinning . it’s when one wrestler stuffs his bul .. oh never mind ……………..

  25. Hemp Dogbane

    That’s a lot of dirty laundry to fit between the faux woodgrain side-panels of just one blog. Mercede even complains of having to bump her Mom’s story for this important update.

  26. hockeymom

    I do feel sorry for Bristol because you know darn well that her lovely, supportive mother is going to hold this over her head for the rest of her life. “I told you so, I told you so.”
    She may have been right, but I’m sure she’s going to be a complete bitch about it.

  27. Okie Dokie Dog

    Guess I’ll now have to return the weddin’ gifty of cheap crap made in China that I bought at the we-hate-homos Target store.

  28. jus_wonderin

    She does look a bit preggers there. Maybe by “engagement” they meant “engagement“.

  29. Zorg

    The poet laureate of Alaska put my feelings upon reading this into immortal verse back in 1898:
    “But you felt that your life had been looted clean
    of all that it once held dear;
    That someone had stolen the woman you loved;
    that her love was a devil’s lie;
    That your guts were gone, and the best for you
    was to crawl away and die.”

  30. Terry

    [re=630364]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    Wasn’t she arrested for drinking on a fake ID in Ausin, no that was one of the Bush twins. Wait, she was the one photographed falling down drunk on a sidewalk and accidentally giving a beaver shot….no, the Bush girls again.

    Hell, I’m blanking on all the good gossip on Chelsea.

  31. Extemporanus

    [re=630398]Scarab[/re]: She has morning in America sickness?

    [re=630411]toooldtocare[/re]: BOYCOT CUM DIAMONDS!

  32. Terry

    [re=630384]V572625694[/re]:

    Bristol’s next baby is going to be named Tacobel. You can bet money on it.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    This is just another way station on the road to an appearance on Cops, with Daddy Levi, shirtless and drunk with his neck under the knee of one of Wasilla’s finest, and Mama Grizzly screaming as we see interior shots of the Herculon sofa and love seat set strewn with forties and bags of nachos. It could be a while, though — as every star knows, overnight success is the culmination of years of effort.

  34. bago

    Fuck Jersey Shore, the sellouts. It’s all about The Wasillabillies now! Bringing the drama of all your baby mamas.

  35. JesusButter

    [re=630435]proudgrampa[/re]: I do love the contrast between Chelsea’s gorgeous and sophisticated wedding this weekend and uneducated-Wasilla-trash Bristol breaking up with her baby daddy whilst looking more than a little knocked up for the umpteenth time (and still cashing those abstinence-only checks!). Stay classy, Palins!

  36. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=630365]Ducksworthy[/re]: Nah, mére Johnston just got confused when filling out the birth certificate, figured they would charge her for the extra consonant on the end there, and wanted to save that money for her next eight-ball.

  37. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    At least all of us can agree that Bristol and Levi’s failed engagement is because Massachusetts allowed teh gayez to get married.

  38. PlanetWingnuta

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!Also.

  39. GOPCrusher

    Reading Mercede’s blog, I can only think that even Jerry Springer wouldn’t touch this story.

  40. Oblios Cap

    I imagine that since Wasilla has about 100 people, it would be hard for the Johnson to go anywhere without “bumping into” (is that what the kids are calling it these days?)an ex-girlfriend.

  41. RoscoePColtraine

    The Clintons just got lucky with that girl of their’s, Chelsea. The Palins, on the other hand, have wisely hedged their bets by having five children, giving them more chances at having one grow up to not be a national embarrassment. Who’s up next, Willow or Piper?

  42. JMP

    [re=630426]Terry[/re]: If it’s a boy, sure, but the girls don’t get the T-names; a daughter will be named Marlboro.

  43. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: tis too bad really cause their (the kids) mom really is an international embarassment.

  44. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Tis too bad really cause their (the kids) mom is an International Embarassment…boy wait till the kids are old enough to google their mom on the interwebs for a project at school.

  45. germansteel

    You can write this down and if I’m wrong, you can sue me, but I guarantee that Bristol will weigh 200 pounds (minimum) in another 3 years, tops. Look at those hamhocks on her in that photo and tell me, amirite?

  46. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=630492]brown_recluse[/re]: Come on, use your imagination. The possibilities this opens up are plentiful! How about a reality show featuring a contest to decide WHO in America is worthy to step into Levi’s shoes and be this baby daddy? Goal #1 Keep Bristol’s profile up. Goal #2 Make Money. Goal #3 Find a suitable father figure for Bristol’s babies, present and future.

  47. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=630448]bago[/re]: You know…i would love to see a video of someone punching sarah…just like snooki got hers. “WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PUNCH A HOCKEY MOM LIKE THAT THERE?”

  48. RoscoePColtraine

    As a matter of personal policy, I only give a dude ONE opportunity to dump his girlfriend for me. He goes back to her and they break up again? Don’t come crawling back my way, buddy. I’ve had it with you. I’ve got my pride to consider. I’ve got my self of stream. We. Are. Through.

  49. rmjag

    [re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: palin’s kids . oldest boy deals drugs , cuts brake lines on school buses , bristol is etenally pregnant , willow holds drunken vandalizing breaking and entering parties , piper is used as a shield at hockey games to soaks up the catcalling for mom , and the baby has downs syndrome . Bush girls , drugs , alcohol and beaver shots galore . Chelsea Clinton and the Obama kids are such trash by comparison , what with all the snotty learn’in and real morals and self-respect etc ….

  50. hiphophitler

    It’s reactionary thinking at its finest: they decided if Democrats like Chelsea Clinton get married, there must be something wrong with the institution and it should be abolished.

  51. steverino247

    I see the check from Us Magazine cleared. Now they can do whatever they want to again. And doesn’t Levi look a bit like Mr. Knoxville in Men in Black II? (“You like egg salad?”)

  52. JoeMac

    [re=630492]brown_recluse[/re]: Iwas thinking the same thing. The only reason these two nit wits were even talking to each other was a scam to make money with a reality tv show. After all Mom is doing it with the inappropriately named TCL(The Learning Channel my ass, unless it is learning how to be a red neck grifter, dumb ass moron).

    Levi’s Mom needs to put down the meth for a while and show her son how to use a rubber.

  53. GOPCrusher

    [re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I’m going with Trig. The dude is going to grow up to be the biggest cock hound in Alaska. Women will be paying to sample that Palin man meat.

  54. rmjag

    the palins are to the Clintons what the bush family was to the Kennedys , before they murdered so many of them and , along with their CIA drug empire , succeded in elevating themselves to the highest level of trash in the entire realm …. only jok’in . honest …

  55. AutomaticPilot

    [re=630501]germansteel[/re]: Exactly! maybe she should try going “jawging” with her mawm. [re=630423]risqueclay[/re]: More like fun-size Nestle crunch bars stolen from the bulk bins.

  56. Accordion-o-rama

    They’re canceling the wedding? Now what are they going to do with all that meth?

  57. cheaphits

    And Caroline Kennedy And the Johnson girls and Amy Carter – “snotty learn’n and morals and self respect” – the wingnuts have “family values” and apparently knocked up daughters and Facebook wars…interesting, huh?

  58. sharkbait

    Does Levi play in the NBA?
    Dude has GOT to figure out the condom confusion.
    Ah fuck him, the world needs ditchdiggers too.

  59. Hoplight

    At least she has a future in diet infomercials. Oh, is she preggers again? Her mom STILL hasn’t had the balls to tell her where babies come from?

  60. steverino247

    [re=630685]rocktonsammy[/re]: What could Jenna do that would be shocking in any way when she’s done it every way?

  61. NYNYNY

    [re=630702]Hoplight[/re]: Yeah, Levi dropped in on the Palin couch just long enough to impregnate a few of the Mooselinas, now its back TO HOLLYWOOD!

  62. Flanders

    Boy those are some blue eyes on that kid. I wonder how many dicks she had up in her during the “week of probable conception”, cuz I’m thinking maybe that kid ain’t Levi’s.

  63. Flanders

    [re=630510]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: But….aren’t you gay? oh yeah, I guess I see what you mean.

  64. oldguy

    [re=630394]JesusButter[/re]: Well, there’s always God…. Right in the ear with a shaft of light.

  65. oldguy

    [re=630482]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: It’s sort of inspiring just imagining the dinner table conversations.

  66. MissEllie

    Well, if these two kids can’t make it work, then what are the chances for…wow, I can’t believe I’m the first person to say that. And by the way, little Tripper has a distinctive “Bad Seed/Damien” look. We’ll be hearing from him.

  67. rmjag

    levi is the sex master of wasilla . in the upcoming movie he will teabag sarah unto oblivion . i play the part of sarah , kind of …

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