Lindsey Graham To Deport U.S.-Born Heathens

Lindsey Graham needs to show his "true-blue conservative values," somehow, what with his well-known gayness and love for Elena Kagan. What better way to do this than to dream up a new way to kick more brown people out of the country? There's nothing that says "conservative" like changing laws that have been in place since the McKinley Administration. How will Graham defeat the wily Wong Kim Ark, from beyond the grave?

In 1898, the sinister liberals on the Fuller Court ruled that Wong Kim Ark (pictured), who was born to Chinese parents in San Francisco, was by virtue of his birthplace and the 14th amendment a U.S. citizen, despite laws that said that Chinese people couldn't be citizens, because, come on, Chinese people. Wong thus became the first "anchor baby" (or, since his parents had long ago returned to China by the time he filed his court case, an "anchor adult"), and ever since, hugely pregnant women have desperately climbed our shoddy border fence so as to give birth to a tiny brown U.S. citizen. Who will stop this chaotic state of affairs that has so afflicted America for the past 112 years? Lindsey Graham will stop it! 

"People come here to have babies. They come here to drop a child," Sen. Lindsey Graham (R., S.C.) said Wednesday night on Fox News. "That shouldn't be the case. That attracts people here for all the wrong reasons."

Senator Jon Kyl is also keen to set up a system that would create generations of easily exploitable non-citizens in the U.S., which, according to reputable publication The Hill, means that there is now "momentum" for this incredibly major constitutional change! So "drop" those anchor babies (out of your vaginas) now, foreigners, because soon they will be foreigners just like you!

The killjoys at the Wall Street Journal point out that Graham's proposed solution to the anchor-baby problem -- a constitutional amendment -- would take the usual two-thirds of Congress and three-quarters of state legislatures to pass, which isn't really likely. Graham isn't pushing for the other proposed way to close this little birth-canal loophole: to just stone-cold pass a law and dare the Supreme Court to strike it down. It's almost as if Graham were trying to burnish his conservative credentials by appearing to do something about this non-issue, but didn't care whether the measure actually passed! But that would be unthinkable. He just loves amending the constitution, we guess. [ WSJ / The Hill / The State ]