President Obama has finally decided to end his ill-begotten idea to make war on Iraq, and he will be joining anti-war activist George W. Bush and motivational speaker Sarah Palin on the ol’ public speaking circuit to announce that this Mission is Accomplished. WAIT. To announce that this “Task” is “Finished.” There we go. Wouldn’t want to suggest that this is “Mission Accomplished!” Heh heh. Whew. Listen up, surviving militants and potential zombie militants: The war is pretty much over! So you definitely will not do anything to mess up this peaceful transition of power, correct?
YES! Because if there is one thing militants like doing, it’s being polite and standing down when American presidents say the war is over. Good!
By the end of August, in accordance with the strategy Mr. Obama put in place after taking office, the American force in Iraq will have shrunk to just 50,000 troops, from 144,000. The remaining “advise and assist” brigades will officially focus on supporting and training Iraqi security forces, protecting American personnel and facilities and mounting counterterrorism operations. Those 50,000 troops are due to leave by the end of 2011.
“Iraq, what do you do when you’re on the playground and some of the cool countries come up and try to give you a joint and tell you to gas the Kurds and stop being a democracy?” “Ask how much money—” “YOU JUST SAY NO, IRAQ.”
Just to make sure this is really happening, this announcement is being rolled out in a series of speeches here in the United States, rather than one speech on a navy boat James Bond-style. Obama will shift his eyes back and forth to Iraq while he’s talking just to make sure they’re not breaking out in violence. The first speech is entitled “Hey, I Think We’re Going To Do This?” The second: “No, Like, Really, We Are Probably Gonna Do It This Time.” Third: “I’m Being Serious. Out Of Iraq. Last Chance To Break Out In Violence And Stop Us.” And finally: “You Are Pretty Much Not Allowed To Blow Stuff Up Anymore, Because This Is My Last Speech About This, And That Would Now Just Make You A Bunch Of Assholes.”