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Obama To Declare End of Iraq War In Speeches, 7.5 Years After He Started It

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Time to go, bros.President Obama has finally decided to end his ill-begotten idea to make war on Iraq, and he will be joining anti-war activist George W. Bush and motivational speaker Sarah Palin on the ol’ public speaking circuit to announce that this Mission is Accomplished. WAIT. To announce that this “Task” is “Finished.” There we go. Wouldn’t want to suggest that this is “Mission Accomplished!” Heh heh. Whew. Listen up, surviving militants and potential zombie militants: The war is pretty much over! So you definitely will not do anything to mess up this peaceful transition of power, correct?

YES! Because if there is one thing militants like doing, it’s being polite and standing down when American presidents say the war is over. Good!

By the end of August, in accordance with the strategy Mr. Obama put in place after taking office, the American force in Iraq will have shrunk to just 50,000 troops, from 144,000. The remaining “advise and assist” brigades will officially focus on supporting and training Iraqi security forces, protecting American personnel and facilities and mounting counterterrorism operations. Those 50,000 troops are due to leave by the end of 2011.

“Iraq, what do you do when you’re on the playground and some of the cool countries come up and try to give you a joint and tell you to gas the Kurds and stop being a democracy?” “Ask how much money—” “YOU JUST SAY NO, IRAQ.”

Just to make sure this is really happening, this announcement is being rolled out in a series of speeches here in the United States, rather than one speech on a navy boat James Bond-style. Obama will shift his eyes back and forth to Iraq while he’s talking just to make sure they’re not breaking out in violence. The first speech is entitled “Hey, I Think We’re Going To Do This?” The second: “No, Like, Really, We Are Probably Gonna Do It This Time.” Third: “I’m Being Serious. Out Of Iraq. Last Chance To Break Out In Violence And Stop Us.” And finally: “You Are Pretty Much Not Allowed To Blow Stuff Up Anymore, Because This Is My Last Speech About This, And That Would Now Just Make You A Bunch Of Assholes.”

Inspiring. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • mustardman

    I see Jack Stuef is back to trying to bash Obama any way he can. In between his hard hitting stories about what Brisol and Levi are doing.

    Don’t worry Jack. Keep firing off those resumes to Redstate and fauxnation. I’m sure something will come through eventually….ya hack!

  • SmutBoffin

    Obama dressed as Indiana Jones at ComiCon?

    “Snakes…why did it have to be snakes?!”

  • edgydrifter

    I feel unsafer already.

  • MLHencken

    This pic is Barry’s tribute to the Gap Band’s “You Dropped a Bomb on Me.”

  • proudgrampa

    Good. Bring the Boys Home!

  • V572625694

    So we’ll have 50,000 soldiers (and not even Rumsfeld knows how many “contractors”) in Iraq , to go with the 50,000 we have in Korea and Germany and Japan because, uh…Anybody?

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    Breaking News!
    Sarah Palin says that Barry doesn’t have “the cojenes” to build a fence around Iraq to keep the Messicans, whoops I mean Iraqis from entering the US.

    The way that woman carries on about Barry’s manhood, you’d think she wants a demonstration.

  • SmutBoffin

    [re=630240]mustardman[/re]: Mustard man…if indeed you are a man who likes to put mustard on his junk and call French’s corporate office and leave messages saying “grey poop-on!”…WHAT UP WITH THE UNNECESSARY POSTS?

    We don’t care if you dislike the subject matter, but SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.

  • Geogre

    50,000 is far from 0.

    Guantanamo is open.

    Homeland Security denies FOIA requests because of political appointees (the policy inherited from Bush, but so what?).

    Yyeah. This is the “liberal president?” I never have understood why the right wingers get so freaked out, as we haven’t had a liberal president since LBJ.

  • Cicada

    [re=630240]mustardman[/re]: Is this schtick? It’s hard to tell, although the line about Redstate and “fauxnation” smacks of parody.

  • Lazy Media

    [re=630240]mustardman[/re]: This guy’s around, and I got banned?

  • V572625694

    [re=630260]Geogre[/re]: Don’t forget the Trickster: NEPA and the EPA, chillin’ w/China, guaranteed minimum wage (considered but not implemented), wage and price controls, etc. Honestly, Nixon looks like the Green Party candidate compared to the current Repubs.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So they’ll all be out except for that one-third of peak deployment levels who’ll be staying to conduct training. You’d think after seven years, everyone who needed training would’ve gotten it by now. My preference would be to get every single American out of there yesterday, and leave a note on the door saying “Welcome to Fix Your Own Damn Country 101. Sorry we fucked everything up and killed a bunch of your friends and relatives, but at this point you’re probably happy to no longer have our help anyway. Oh, and if you want to call some people who keep saying they still want to help you, try this,” and leave them the Dallas phone book.

  • Elephants Gerald

    [re=630260]Geogre[/re]: Having been drafted during his reign, I personally believe Nixon was our last liberal president, but I could be wrong.

  • Aurelio

    [re=630253]V572625694[/re]: So we’ll have 50,000 soldiers (and not even Rumsfeld knows how many “contractors”) in Iraq , to go with the 50,000 we have in Korea and Germany and Japan because, uh…Anybody?

    Look, do you want to have imperialism or don’t you? You obviously do, as any good American would. Then we have to have our legions all over the place. That’s how it works.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=630253]V572625694[/re]: Let’s see, we have troops in Korea because Kim Jong Il is sorta crazy, Japan because we have to defend ourselves from the Chinpokomon, and Germany because they’re still on probation from the last century.

  • Barrett808
  • Radiotherapy

    [re=630245]edgydrifter[/re]: Hehe.

    Don’t worry, Queen Palin will have the ovaries to be ReSurgent in 2013.

  • Brent Kockman

    [re=630253]V572625694[/re]: those 50,000 troops only need to stick around long enough to protect the private western corporations that want to set up shop in Sunni-Shia-Kurd-tardistan. you know: the oil companies, the cell phone service providers, the McDonald’s, the KFCs, the forever-21s.

    I mean, it worked so well for the Belgians with their mineral resources in the Congo, amiright?! Everything should pan out just fine, that is, as long as Iraq doesn’t try to elect some arab version of Lamumba.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    In that photo, he looks like he’s going out to nail him some old Republican dinosaurs. I hope he has an assualt rifle in the other hand.

  • mcc

    I don’t think I much care whether it happens now or at the end of next year. Just one way or another get us out and keep the numbers going down.

  • Carrabuda

    [re=630253]V572625694[/re]: Because we don’t have any JOBS for them over here, duh.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=630240]mustardman[/re]: If you’re just going to copy & paste the same dumb comment over and over, I’m just going to link to my original reply calling you out for making the dumb comments over and over.

    (The change-up from Breitbart to Red State did add a nice touch of variety, though.)

  • Extemporanus

    But if Iraq were a dog, we’d only have been there, like, one year, right? For a puppy, I think she’s actually been pretty well behaved.

    “Who’s a good country? I said, who’s a good country? That’s right! YOU are, Iraq! YOU ARE! Here’s a treat…


    Now, play dead!”

  • weejee

    But President Barry, what about ♫♫ Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran ♫♫ ?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    There goes that big jerk Obama, keeping yet another one of his campaign promises.

    America, why do you put up with this shit?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Let’s face it, we just can’t compete with the Fremen for control of the Spice.

  • Geogre

    [re=630271]Elephants Gerald[/re]: Yeah, Nixon had a Democratic Congress and a public mood that was still LBJ-ish.

    Price controls was the stick that broke the Goldwater’s back. Boy, the conservatives howled over that one. They put on their pointy hats on their pointy heads and pronounced anathema.

    Of course, “hawk and dove” and “liberal and conservative” weren’t anotnyms then. Now, though, the world is simpler. I wonder who made it that way?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    When will we get a sexy picture of Obama in a flight suit. Everyone knows you can’t declare Mission Task Accomplish Finish unless you dress up like a five year old.

    [re=630242]SmutBoffin[/re]: Are we sure he wasn’t complaining about Motherfucking Snakes on Motherfucking plane?

  • lawnorder

    Oh ffs mustardman, learn to read sarcasm!

  • montyburns4prez

    That photo needs more whip.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    [re=630253]V572625694[/re]: That’s because US foreign policy is all about keeping the meat in the seat.

  • Oblios Cap


    No, that can’t be it. Government has never created a single job, so they’re not employed now.

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=630361]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]:

    Barry isn’t Muad’Dib?

  • sezme

    Fine, we can withdraw the remaining 50,000 troops I guess. But can we leave mustardman?

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=630258]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: she’s(palin) probably thinking of that scene in Soul Man with the Mother staring at C.Thomas Howell like a drumstick. LOL

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=630456]Oblios Cap[/re]: Obama is Muad’Dib in much the same way McCain is Duncan Idaho.

  • mustardman

    [re=630259]SmutBoffin[/re]: You first. Several posts and you haven’t been able to yet.

  • mustardman

    [re=630261]Cicada[/re]: What part of “Jack Steuf is a right wing pandering asshole” do you not understand?

  • mustardman

    [re=630331]Extemporanus[/re]: I am quite comfortable with calling you (Jack Steuf?) an asshole over and over again.

  • Jim89048

    [re=630521]mustardman[/re]: I do not think that means what you think it means.

  • Jack Stuef

    Josh F.:
    that is obviously barack obama himself
    it’s well known that he likes elitist mustard rather than real american ketchup

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    What’s with all the nasty mustard farts?

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=630512]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]:

    But Sarah Palin is the gom jabbar of the body politic?

  • steverino247

    [re=630253]V572625694[/re]: Only about 28,000 in Korea. So if the DPRK invades again we can burn up a bunch of MG barrels. Those include Air Force pukes, so who knows? Germany has a lot of support troops like signals, logistics and medical guys. Not so many combat troops in either location. Maybe a brigade in Korea and 3-4 in Germany. Nowhere near where it used be.

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=630577]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]:

    It seems that Steve Spruiell has found his way over here. Get thee back to your NRO website where comments aren’t allowed, mus-tard.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=630526]mustardman[/re]: Uh oh, ya got me!

    The fact that I made a fairly non-vitriolic statement imploring you to comment better — which you’ve proven more than capable of doing — on posts which better-illustrate your rather tiresome accusations of rightwing bias and unnatural Palin family fixations means that, yes, I am indeed an asshole whose name is Jack Stuef.

    Haha, I am so busted right now!

    Well, now that the jig is up, I’d just like to say that I lied to you earlier — your museum is one of the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen, and every time I’ve met you, you’ve acted like a self-satisfied little prick, and smelled like rotten pickles.

  • glamourdammerung

    [re=630240]mustardman[/re]: You are not just an asshole but an unfunny asshole and I would like to see you banned.

    Feel free to claim I am Jack Stuef too if you wish.

  • mustardman

    [re=630678]Extemporanus[/re]: Well actually it could be pandering the the left wing “nothing Obama does is good enough” retards as well. Or you could be an equal opportunity whore. Spreading your Journalistic legs to whom ever offers the strongest potential reaction.

  • mustardman

    [re=630740]glamourdammerung[/re]: You are Jack Steuf’s flatulating asshole.

  • Neilist

    [re=630456]Oblios Cap[/re]: Barry is more like “Maud-Dipshit.”

    [I can’t believe I just made a “Dune-pun.”

    Time to die . . . .]

  • Neilist

    [re=630521]mustardman[/re]: “What part of “Jack Steuf is a right wing pandering asshole” . . .

    HEY! I’m the Right Wing ASSHOLE around here, thank you very much.

    [Oh, and thank you for making my crap look amusing/witty/clever/profound . . . by comparison.]

  • Enslave the Whales

    [re=630776]mustardman[/re]: No matter how crusty you want to try to make it, simply calling people names is not, by itself, funny.

    If I find myself reading a website with a regular poster whom I frequently find offensive, I will generally post a comment of objection, and then stop reading the site (or that person’s posts).

    Flame wars are so ’90s, ya know?

    Everybody else: The only good troll is an ignored troll.

  • Neilist

    [re=630844]Enslave the Whales[/re]: “The only good troll is an ignored troll.”

    But what if the troll is heavily armed?

    [Oh, fuck me. They’ve started the Anna Nichole Smith trial. Another courthouse completely gummed up for weeks.]

  • Cicada

    [re=630521]mustardman[/re]: Oh, I just thought you were doing a schtick of one of those uptight HuffPo commenters who screech about “Faux Noise” and “Rethuglicans” ad nauseum. It’s the liberal version of the RedStaters who blather on about the “Lamestream media” and “NObama’s Chicago Thug Politics”.

    It looks like I was giving you waaaaaay too much credit.

    Toodles, sweetcheeks.