Michele Bachmann Has a Mysterious Illness OMG OMG

Oh no you guys, the Minneapolis Star Tribunereports that Michele Bachmann has been felled by a "sudden illness"that required a hospital visit and everything! She even had to cancel a campaign appearance for Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt, whose lack of popularity among the 24-Hour Tea Party People is surely unrelated to her "sudden" health woes, so stop being so cynical. For now, Bachmann's resting at home and"playing it by ear," says her spokesperson, the Ghost of Joseph McCarthy. Did she eat some bad "corn syrup/pig-anus grease cake" at a fund-raiser? Or is Nancy Pelosi behind this somehow?

Your Wonkette can't provide any details, because "the nature of [Bachmann's] illness was not released," as Fox reports. But while our nation's Most Beautiful Patriot-Invalid was suffering in the hospital, her people issued a frightening telegraph stating that Pelosi and her "liberal attack machines" were trying their darnedest to make Bachmann lose her seat in November: "Nancy Pelosi would love nothing more than to defeat me this year and is willing to spend whatever it takes to win," warned the message.

Could it be that the Pelosi attack machines' relentless pursuit of Bachmann and her coveted seat is wearing down the fearless liberty defender, leaving her exhausted and her immune system compromised? Washington politics is a dirty game!

If you care about democracy and America's future, then you will get out your construction paper and scented markers and make a "Get Well Soon" card for Bachmann RIGHT NOW. Putting any of these images on the cover is sure to lift her spirits and get her back on her feet in no time:

• Some Mexicans incarcerated in a Sheriff Joe Arpaio tent jail, looking despondent

• Barack Obama getting arrested for muslinism/treason

• Two kittens playing with a ball of yarn

• Nancy Pelosi being stoned by Teabaggers dressed up in Founding Fathers outfits

If you make such a card, post a link or jpg thingie in the comments section, to improve the health of your fellow commenters. [ Minneapolis Star Tribune / Fox ]