SEND PRAYERS AND WELL WISHES  11:08 am August 2, 2010

Michele Bachmann Has a Mysterious Illness OMG OMG

by Lauri Apple

Sad, sick clown ladyOh no you guys, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports that Michele Bachmann has been felled by a “sudden illness” that required a hospital visit and everything! She even had to cancel a campaign appearance for Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt, whose lack of popularity among the 24-Hour Tea Party People is surely unrelated to her “sudden” health woes, so stop being so cynical. For now, Bachmann’s resting at home and
“playing it by ear,” says her spokesperson, the Ghost of Joseph McCarthy. Did she eat some bad “corn syrup/pig-anus grease cake” at a fund-raiser? Or is Nancy Pelosi behind this somehow?

Your Wonkette can’t provide any details, because “the nature of [Bachmann's] illness was not released,” as Fox reports. But while our nation’s Most Beautiful Patriot-Invalid was suffering in the hospital, her people issued a frightening telegraph stating that Pelosi and her “liberal attack machines” were trying their darnedest to make Bachmann lose her seat in November: “Nancy Pelosi would love nothing more than to defeat me this year and is willing to spend whatever it takes to win,” warned the message.

Could it be that the Pelosi attack machines’ relentless pursuit of Bachmann and her coveted seat is wearing down the fearless liberty defender, leaving her exhausted and her immune system compromised? Washington politics is a dirty game!

If you care about democracy and America’s future, then you will get out your construction paper and scented markers and make a “Get Well Soon” card for Bachmann RIGHT NOW. Putting any of these images on the cover is sure to lift her spirits and get her back on her feet in no time:

  • Some Mexicans incarcerated in a Sheriff Joe Arpaio tent jail, looking despondent
  • Barack Obama getting arrested for muslinism/treason
  • Two kittens playing with a ball of yarn
  • Nancy Pelosi being stoned by Teabaggers dressed up in Founding Fathers outfits

If you make such a card, post a link or jpg thingie in the comments section, to improve the health of your fellow commenters. [Minneapolis Star Tribune/Fox]

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4tehlulz August 2, 2010 at 11:13 am

Illness my ass. She’s just getting ready for the Gathering of the Juggalos.

JMP August 2, 2010 at 11:15 am

Maybe someone’s finally gotten Michelle committed to the mental ward for the help she so clearly needs.

An image of kittens wouldn’t lift Bachmann’s spirits; she’s evil, and so is probably a dog person.

FMA August 2, 2010 at 11:19 am

It’s probably nothing that a regimen of risperidone can’t handle.

Jim89048 August 2, 2010 at 11:21 am

Perhaps if she allowed a demure wardrobe malfunction in her hospital gown she could garner a little more sympathy.

Terry August 2, 2010 at 11:22 am

I wouldn’t wish illness on her no matter how much I think she’s an idiot. I guess that means I should send her a card with kittens and a ball of string or something.

hoosiermama August 2, 2010 at 11:24 am

Oh no! It was my in-laws — they just came back from MN. “Just visiting family,” is what they said. HA! It’s always the quiet, stoic Scandinavian-Americans you have to worry about…

weejee August 2, 2010 at 11:25 am

Is it hookworms? Send the sharp-eyed owls to check it out!!

you didn't ask, but August 2, 2010 at 11:27 am

That’s a great fucking picture.

Ducksworthy August 2, 2010 at 11:27 am

Joe the Plumber has bankrolled an ad campaign that will run in every TV market in Missouri? I hereby declare that I am 1. an unqualified imbecile and, 2. a real conservative. Please send cash.

SeattleJoe August 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

It is a sign of the end times. Like everything else.

tbogg August 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

Jesus is calling her home. Ha ha. Just kidding. She has cramps really bad.

bfstevie August 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

First Rush Limbaugh’s hearing. Then Glenn Beck’s eyes. Cheney’s heart disease. (Okay, it’s debatable whether he ever had a heart, so maybe that doesn’t count.) Now MB’s mysterious illness. Maybe they’re not really death panels, just really serious but not-necessarily-fatal illness panels.

And then there’s John Boehner’s jaundice.

Tommmcatt August 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

God, you guys, it’s just a goiter! You act like you’ve never seen one.

Leave Michelle alone!

Scaggsville guy August 2, 2010 at 11:31 am

In other good news, I just read that Cheney still hasn’t left the hospital following that surgery last month when they removed his pulse….

SayItWithWookies August 2, 2010 at 11:32 am

What is it called when the revolution you created washes past you like a rogue wave over a church beach outing? Robespierritis? It can be cleared up with a very simple and quick surgical procedure that doesn’t even require anaesthesia. No ma’am I wouldn’t call it outpatient exactly, but you will feel like a small weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Darkness August 2, 2010 at 11:34 am

My assumption is KKKarl Rove’s shadow RNC slipped her a mickey.

alzronnie August 2, 2010 at 11:34 am

“Bachmann and her coveted seat”

Whatever befalls her, we will always have that memory.

Scarab August 2, 2010 at 11:34 am


Neilist August 2, 2010 at 11:34 am


She’s “Pennywise the Clown,” from Stephen King’s “IT.”

[Yeah, I know he's a lousy writer. But that book scared me.]

Lascauxcaveman August 2, 2010 at 11:35 am

I didn’t see her there, but we had so many people at the the big family party we had last Thursday night, she might have gotten into the bad crab that has felled five of us so far. I spent all Friday night gacking into a garbage can. That was fun (not).

Did you know a dedicated bulimic can lose up to 4 lbs per day with half trying? I have tested this empirically.

legalize everything August 2, 2010 at 11:41 am

I think she has lead poisoning. It would explain a lot.
For example: She believes she’s Speaker Pelosi’s bete noire? Don’t flatter yourself bitch.

ella August 2, 2010 at 11:42 am

Great picture. I’m going to be humming “Ridi, Pagliacci” all day now.

V572625694 August 2, 2010 at 11:44 am

“…post a link or jpg thingie in the comments…”

If only!

WhatTheHeck August 2, 2010 at 11:49 am

I hope when her hospital bills start to roll in, she pays more than what the bills are, just because she don’t want no stinkin govt health reform reducing the profits of the hospitals and all attending doctors, lab work, etc.

FlownOver August 2, 2010 at 11:51 am

My money’s on complications from that Cardassian neck transplant.

oh hi mark August 2, 2010 at 11:55 am

OK, here’s a card I whipped up pretty quickly. I’m still learning the art of funny political pictures, so I made it simple. It’s Our Michele, with the things she hates on the left, the things she likes on the right, and teabagger spelling below.

Tim August 2, 2010 at 11:58 am

I’ve heard that 80% of Minnesotans have 20-30 pounds of undigested fried dough in their gullets. No wonder.

GeneralLerong August 2, 2010 at 12:00 pm

Such a nice picture. Worth ten million words. Or maybe a [hint, hint] t-shirt? Is every sane person in Minnesota now stapling this portrait to every available power pole and supermarker message board?

Oh, and in the spirit of consumer feedback, I’d have bought your Palin/Apocalypse shirt if only her face had been framed in a gunsight. Yeah, I ‘spose could get out a sharpie and draw one myself, but that would be making an effort.

Maybe neilist could suggest the appropriate sight pattern.

mhale0 August 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm

She has the squirts.

Beowoof August 2, 2010 at 12:06 pm

[re=630148]alzronnie[/re]: Her coveted seat, I am sure Nancy Pelosi is just trying to ram something into her coveted seat.

Limeylizzie August 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm

[re=630140]tbogg[/re]: Too old for the cramps, she is in hot-flash, dry vagina, mood-swing territory.

Radiotherapy August 2, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Isn’t it rich? Isn’t it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career.
Where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns.

Oblios Cap August 2, 2010 at 12:09 pm

So the unemployed not-plumber is bankrolling political ads? Damn, they must have some serious unemployment bennies in MO.

TheCoolestGuyInTown August 2, 2010 at 12:10 pm

I’m looking forward to Michele Bachmann’s next Wonkette video from the hospital bed.

Ducksworthy August 2, 2010 at 12:10 pm

[re=630180]mhale0[/re]: She has is the squirts.
Fixed, no thanks necessary.

Sgt. Biyatch August 2, 2010 at 12:12 pm

That is the best picture ever.

just pixels August 2, 2010 at 12:13 pm

As a member of Congress, she’s in the hospital under GOVERNMENT RUN SOCIALIST DEATH CARE*. I guess that’s ironic. (Note to TP’ers, irony is an unexpected twist usually involving opposites.)

The most likely diagnosis is the blues that she wasn’t invited to Chelsea’s wedding. Snap out of it Michele! You can go to Bristol and Levi’s wedding, which will probably take place eventually someday maybe.
* I totally disagree with her bombastic demagoguery, but still hopes she gets better.

rmjag August 2, 2010 at 12:23 pm

[re=630142]Tommmcatt[/re]: first known case of goiter-of-the-mouth , so let her enjoy it . i hear that it is painful .

lawrenceofthedesert August 2, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Homework on a Monday from Wonkette!?! Go back to Whitney Young Magnet School where you belong, Slave Driver Apple!

MarieDeGournay August 2, 2010 at 12:29 pm

I guess she needs time to check on the larvae.

Terry August 2, 2010 at 12:32 pm


Maybe God’s mad at all of them and making them sick. Sort of like when those fundy preachers say that storms are a result of immorality in the affected city.

snoidoid August 2, 2010 at 12:37 pm

How could she be pregnant? Isn’t she too old? How could she be having an abortion? Isn’t that immoral and probably illegal? And who is the father? Inquiring minds want to know!

Geogre August 2, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Look, I sympathize with Alexander Pope in Epistle to Arbuthnot who referred to “this long disease, My life.”

My whole life has been illness, and one does not hide behind it. Employers in right to work states use it as an excuse to fire people. Insurance companies used it as a reason to drop coverage (and are trying to again). Some people only have empathy when they have actual sympathy, and I do not believe MB is sick. I believe she is hiding, at home, and trying to raise money.

I do, though, enjoy the idea that her supporters think that Nancy Pelosi is sending her own campaign money to Minnesota. (By the way, Bachmann’s opponent is using the “she’s a celebrity, a national right winger, not from here anymore” tactic.)

proudgrampa August 2, 2010 at 12:48 pm

[re=630184]Radiotherapy[/re]: “Losing my *cookies* this time in my career.” /fixed

mustardman August 2, 2010 at 12:54 pm

I hope this is not some new cry out for attention for the Repukes. Fein mysterious diseases and illnesses that may or may not cause Beckkk to go blind, may or may not kill Cheney, may or may not cause Bachmanns brain to start working properly.

cheaphits August 2, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Jeebus, what as Blunt done to piss off the teabags? He’s pro-gun…”A” rating from the NRA, against gay marriage, healthcare, online poker, pro-business, pro offshore drilling, for school prayer and best of all was found by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington to be
one of of the “Crew’s Most Corrupt”, for benefiting firms who had hired his then-girlfriend (later wife) Abigail Perlman and son Andrew Blunt, as well as close connections to lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who had been convicted upon multiple counts of fraud.

I bet he’s sayin’”Sheeit, what’s a guy gotta do” – my guess is that he’s not ghey enuff to fit in.

Sharkey August 2, 2010 at 1:04 pm

[re=630189]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: Warning: Contains graphic footage!

Maybe she’s finally hitting menopause.

pub_option August 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm

[re=630187]Oblios Cap[/re]: Sam, or Joe, the unlicensed plumber, is indeed appearing in campaign ads in the St Louis area. The ads are for Allen Icet, a candidate in the Republican primary for the position of state auditor. Joe refers to Icet as Ice T, which might go over well with Michael Steele, but probably not so well with many Republican voters.

metalhed August 2, 2010 at 1:11 pm

[re=630226]snoidoid[/re]: Questions 1 and 2: A quick Google search reveals a 70-year old Indian woman gave birth on November 28, 2008. I also recall a Patton Oswalt routine on one of his CDs (Werewolves & Lollipops, I believe), where he mentioned a 63-year old gave birth.

Question 3 and 4: Perish the thought. Question 4 answered question 3.

Question 5: I shudder to think. To paraphrase Oswalt, someone will have to tell me the father’s name again, “because I can’t hear anything over the sound of my DICK SCREAMING!”

Mad Brahms August 2, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Liberal attack machines, eh.


Extemporanus August 2, 2010 at 1:23 pm


[re=630126]4tehlulz[/re]: Fucking magnets, how do they work?!

[re=630140]tbogg[/re]: “Well, sometimes I get the mentsrual cramps real hard.”

Poor Richard Al Maniac August 2, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Fulminant tertiary syphilis would explain so much.

GOPCrusher August 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Michele announces The Tea Bagger Caucus. Later has to go to the hospital.
I’m voting for karmic justice.
Or syphillis.

OReillysVibrator August 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm

“Nancy Pelosi would love nothing more than to defeat me this year and is willing to spend whatever it takes to win,” warned the message.

How dastardly!

Did Bachmann announce the amount of money she’s not willing to spend to win yet?

ManchuCandidate August 2, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Near fatal case of Foot In Mouth Disease?

Jim89048 August 2, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Well, at least Kathryne Harris was willing to part with some of her own money.

weejee August 2, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Although hookworms would be fitting, that picture started Cream’s tune White Room spinning in my head. And I’m betting she was up on the 8th floor, you know the one without elevator buttons ‘cepting the set behind the glassed-in nurses’ station.

♫♫ Lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves ♫♫

BlueStateLiberal August 2, 2010 at 2:00 pm

This is just a lady-thing that ladies go through every month, nothing to worry about, a few Midols will do the trick.

BadKitty August 2, 2010 at 2:06 pm

I’m thinking it’s a 72 hour hold & eval in the psych ward. Anyone that delusional and paranoid has got to be mentally ill. Maybe she and Glenn Beck could be institutionalized in the same ward and keep each other company.

Geogre August 2, 2010 at 2:28 pm

[re=630292]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Oh, but that’s not the point, I’m sure.

Michelle is worried that those outsiders are there to impose their scary outsider weirdo San Fransisco (gay! get it? gay!) values on YOU, you, the God-fearing voter who really doesn’t live in Bachmann’s district either but who get her newsletter and feel like you’re a resident of “real America.”

The only way to fight this injustice is to match it!

Sigh. I do get mailers ‘from Nancy Pelosi’ trying to raise money for the DNC. They’re not very effective compared to my own desire to keep illiterate, ill willed jackasses from messing with my life.

AxmxZ August 2, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Choked on rat dicks.

Can O Whoopass August 2, 2010 at 2:37 pm

A frontal lobotomy is prescribed.

steverino247 August 2, 2010 at 2:59 pm

General Paresis. It explains the crazy very nicely.

themercenary August 2, 2010 at 3:06 pm

She better watch out, if she goes to one of those Obamacare hospitals Hopey is gonna have one of those tracking chips implanted in her skull.

PlanetWingnuta August 2, 2010 at 3:16 pm

maybe she started to talk sense and someone realized it and decided to put her back in the electro shock treatment so she could be like her base again.

Zorg August 2, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Yet another mysterious case of morning sickness in America?

Mad Brahms August 2, 2010 at 3:35 pm

[re=630284]Extemporanus[/re]: We need to have more threads that devolve into Ahnald quotes, really.

And good catch and the juggalo connection; she shares their mystificaiton at the things that make every day life possible (and possibly their love of faygo?)

Kazoom August 2, 2010 at 3:36 pm

Carrying so many logical inconsistencies, what will crack first, her face or her mind?

Accordion-o-rama August 2, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Michele, I’m sure I speak for all of Wonkette when I say all of our prayers and well wishes are with your spirochetes and streptococci.

Kazoom August 2, 2010 at 4:25 pm

mustardman: They may be borrowing a page from Oral Roberts, who promised to die if people didn’t send him $8 million dollars. Save Ferris!

Rotundo August 2, 2010 at 7:55 pm

If she just rolls over onto the other side, the gas bubble will shift and vent out her cloaca. Why all the fuss.

rptrcub August 2, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Thank you, Wonkette, you have just managed to make Michelle Bachmann look like a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

marin August 2, 2010 at 9:35 pm

hey – maybe i haven’t been paying attention or maybe it’s intern tryout time at the wonkette – but there seems to be a new crop of snarkerators – and they are all on message, hysterical and well, thank you!

don’t send any of them back to their congressional cubicles or wherever they came from, or are off to – good work keep it up – the only well of sanity in the the perversion sinkhole of beltway…

SwanSwanH August 3, 2010 at 12:39 am

To their credit, Pizza the Hut says they no longer use high-fructose corn syrup (poison?) in their pig-anus grease cakes.

FlipOffResearch August 3, 2010 at 1:18 am

I made something special for Michelle, and have been trying to upload it to the YouTube since like 7:30pm tonight. But my stupid mobile broadband on my computer won’t cooperate. I’ll upload it from my place of employment tomorrow.

Anyway, I had this guy sitting around from this thing I’ve been working on for a couple of weeks, so that explains the relatively quick turn. If anyone can remember the Bush State of the Union where Bachmann slobbered all over him, she would slobber almost as hard over this guy.

I’ll post a link tomorrow.

istartus August 3, 2010 at 5:08 am

That is the best picture ever.

WalkinwiththeKing August 5, 2010 at 6:19 pm

“Why so sorry Son?”

WalkinwiththeKing August 5, 2010 at 6:26 pm

[re=633158]WalkinwiththeKing[/re]: Or, “serious son?”

FlipOffResearch August 6, 2010 at 3:11 pm

I finally got my stupid get well soon cartoon uploaded. As promised here it is:

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