send prayers and well wishes

Michele Bachmann Has a Mysterious Illness OMG OMG

Sad, sick clown ladyOh no you guys, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports that Michele Bachmann has been felled by a “sudden illness” that required a hospital visit and everything! She even had to cancel a campaign appearance for Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt, whose lack of popularity among the 24-Hour Tea Party People is surely unrelated to her “sudden” health woes, so stop being so cynical. For now, Bachmann’s resting at home and
“playing it by ear,” says her spokesperson, the Ghost of Joseph McCarthy. Did she eat some bad “corn syrup/pig-anus grease cake” at a fund-raiser? Or is Nancy Pelosi behind this somehow?

Your Wonkette can’t provide any details, because “the nature of [Bachmann's] illness was not released,” as Fox reports. But while our nation’s Most Beautiful Patriot-Invalid was suffering in the hospital, her people issued a frightening telegraph stating that Pelosi and her “liberal attack machines” were trying their darnedest to make Bachmann lose her seat in November: “Nancy Pelosi would love nothing more than to defeat me this year and is willing to spend whatever it takes to win,” warned the message.

Could it be that the Pelosi attack machines’ relentless pursuit of Bachmann and her coveted seat is wearing down the fearless liberty defender, leaving her exhausted and her immune system compromised? Washington politics is a dirty game!

If you care about democracy and America’s future, then you will get out your construction paper and scented markers and make a “Get Well Soon” card for Bachmann RIGHT NOW. Putting any of these images on the cover is sure to lift her spirits and get her back on her feet in no time:

  • Some Mexicans incarcerated in a Sheriff Joe Arpaio tent jail, looking despondent
  • Barack Obama getting arrested for muslinism/treason
  • Two kittens playing with a ball of yarn
  • Nancy Pelosi being stoned by Teabaggers dressed up in Founding Fathers outfits

If you make such a card, post a link or jpg thingie in the comments section, to improve the health of your fellow commenters. [Minneapolis Star Tribune/Fox]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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79 comments

  1. JMP

    Maybe someone’s finally gotten Michelle committed to the mental ward for the help she so clearly needs.

    An image of kittens wouldn’t lift Bachmann’s spirits; she’s evil, and so is probably a dog person.

  2. Jim89048

    Perhaps if she allowed a demure wardrobe malfunction in her hospital gown she could garner a little more sympathy.

  3. Terry

    I wouldn’t wish illness on her no matter how much I think she’s an idiot. I guess that means I should send her a card with kittens and a ball of string or something.

  4. hoosiermama

    Oh no! It was my in-laws — they just came back from MN. “Just visiting family,” is what they said. HA! It’s always the quiet, stoic Scandinavian-Americans you have to worry about…

  5. Ducksworthy

    Joe the Plumber has bankrolled an ad campaign that will run in every TV market in Missouri? I hereby declare that I am 1. an unqualified imbecile and, 2. a real conservative. Please send cash.

  6. bfstevie

    First Rush Limbaugh’s hearing. Then Glenn Beck’s eyes. Cheney’s heart disease. (Okay, it’s debatable whether he ever had a heart, so maybe that doesn’t count.) Now MB’s mysterious illness. Maybe they’re not really death panels, just really serious but not-necessarily-fatal illness panels.

    And then there’s John Boehner’s jaundice.

  7. Tommmcatt

    God, you guys, it’s just a goiter! You act like you’ve never seen one.

    Leave Michelle alone!

  8. Scaggsville guy

    In other good news, I just read that Cheney still hasn’t left the hospital following that surgery last month when they removed his pulse….

  9. SayItWithWookies

    What is it called when the revolution you created washes past you like a rogue wave over a church beach outing? Robespierritis? It can be cleared up with a very simple and quick surgical procedure that doesn’t even require anaesthesia. No ma’am I wouldn’t call it outpatient exactly, but you will feel like a small weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

  10. Neilist

    THAT explains EVERYTHING!

    She’s “Pennywise the Clown,” from Stephen King’s “IT.”

    [Yeah, I know he's a lousy writer. But that book scared me.]

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    I didn’t see her there, but we had so many people at the the big family party we had last Thursday night, she might have gotten into the bad crab that has felled five of us so far. I spent all Friday night gacking into a garbage can. That was fun (not).

    Did you know a dedicated bulimic can lose up to 4 lbs per day with half trying? I have tested this empirically.

  12. legalize everything

    I think she has lead poisoning. It would explain a lot.
    For example: She believes she’s Speaker Pelosi’s bete noire? Don’t flatter yourself bitch.

  13. WhatTheHeck

    I hope when her hospital bills start to roll in, she pays more than what the bills are, just because she don’t want no stinkin govt health reform reducing the profits of the hospitals and all attending doctors, lab work, etc.

  14. Tim

    I’ve heard that 80% of Minnesotans have 20-30 pounds of undigested fried dough in their gullets. No wonder.

  15. GeneralLerong

    Such a nice picture. Worth ten million words. Or maybe a [hint, hint] t-shirt? Is every sane person in Minnesota now stapling this portrait to every available power pole and supermarker message board?

    Oh, and in the spirit of consumer feedback, I’d have bought your Palin/Apocalypse shirt if only her face had been framed in a gunsight. Yeah, I ‘spose could get out a sharpie and draw one myself, but that would be making an effort.

    Maybe neilist could suggest the appropriate sight pattern.

  16. Beowoof

    [re=630148]alzronnie[/re]: Her coveted seat, I am sure Nancy Pelosi is just trying to ram something into her coveted seat.

  17. Limeylizzie

    [re=630140]tbogg[/re]: Too old for the cramps, she is in hot-flash, dry vagina, mood-swing territory.

  18. Radiotherapy

    Isn’t it rich? Isn’t it queer?
    Losing my timing this late in my career.
    Where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns.

  19. Oblios Cap

    So the unemployed not-plumber is bankrolling political ads? Damn, they must have some serious unemployment bennies in MO.

  20. TheCoolestGuyInTown

    I’m looking forward to Michele Bachmann’s next Wonkette video from the hospital bed.

  21. just pixels

    As a member of Congress, she’s in the hospital under GOVERNMENT RUN SOCIALIST DEATH CARE*. I guess that’s ironic. (Note to TP’ers, irony is an unexpected twist usually involving opposites.)

    The most likely diagnosis is the blues that she wasn’t invited to Chelsea’s wedding. Snap out of it Michele! You can go to Bristol and Levi’s wedding, which will probably take place eventually someday maybe.
    _______________________________
    * I totally disagree with her bombastic demagoguery, but still hopes she gets better.

  22. rmjag

    [re=630142]Tommmcatt[/re]: first known case of goiter-of-the-mouth , so let her enjoy it . i hear that it is painful .

  23. lawrenceofthedesert

    Homework on a Monday from Wonkette!?! Go back to Whitney Young Magnet School where you belong, Slave Driver Apple!

  24. Terry

    [re=630141]bfstevie[/re]:

    Maybe God’s mad at all of them and making them sick. Sort of like when those fundy preachers say that storms are a result of immorality in the affected city.

  25. snoidoid

    How could she be pregnant? Isn’t she too old? How could she be having an abortion? Isn’t that immoral and probably illegal? And who is the father? Inquiring minds want to know!

  26. Geogre

    Look, I sympathize with Alexander Pope in Epistle to Arbuthnot who referred to “this long disease, My life.”

    My whole life has been illness, and one does not hide behind it. Employers in right to work states use it as an excuse to fire people. Insurance companies used it as a reason to drop coverage (and are trying to again). Some people only have empathy when they have actual sympathy, and I do not believe MB is sick. I believe she is hiding, at home, and trying to raise money.

    I do, though, enjoy the idea that her supporters think that Nancy Pelosi is sending her own campaign money to Minnesota. (By the way, Bachmann’s opponent is using the “she’s a celebrity, a national right winger, not from here anymore” tactic.)

  27. mustardman

    I hope this is not some new cry out for attention for the Repukes. Fein mysterious diseases and illnesses that may or may not cause Beckkk to go blind, may or may not kill Cheney, may or may not cause Bachmanns brain to start working properly.

  28. cheaphits

    Jeebus, what as Blunt done to piss off the teabags? He’s pro-gun…”A” rating from the NRA, against gay marriage, healthcare, online poker, pro-business, pro offshore drilling, for school prayer and best of all was found by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington to be
    one of of the “Crew’s Most Corrupt”, for benefiting firms who had hired his then-girlfriend (later wife) Abigail Perlman and son Andrew Blunt, as well as close connections to lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who had been convicted upon multiple counts of fraud.

    I bet he’s sayin’”Sheeit, what’s a guy gotta do” – my guess is that he’s not ghey enuff to fit in.

  29. Sharkey

    [re=630189]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: Warning: Contains graphic footage!

    Maybe she’s finally hitting menopause.

  30. pub_option

    [re=630187]Oblios Cap[/re]: Sam, or Joe, the unlicensed plumber, is indeed appearing in campaign ads in the St Louis area. The ads are for Allen Icet, a candidate in the Republican primary for the position of state auditor. Joe refers to Icet as Ice T, which might go over well with Michael Steele, but probably not so well with many Republican voters.

  31. metalhed

    [re=630226]snoidoid[/re]: Questions 1 and 2: A quick Google search reveals a 70-year old Indian woman gave birth on November 28, 2008. I also recall a Patton Oswalt routine on one of his CDs (Werewolves & Lollipops, I believe), where he mentioned a 63-year old gave birth.

    Question 3 and 4: Perish the thought. Question 4 answered question 3.

    Question 5: I shudder to think. To paraphrase Oswalt, someone will have to tell me the father’s name again, “because I can’t hear anything over the sound of my DICK SCREAMING!”

  32. Extemporanus

    IT’S NOT A TOOO-MURHH!!

    [re=630126]4tehlulz[/re]: Fucking magnets, how do they work?!

    [re=630140]tbogg[/re]: “Well, sometimes I get the mentsrual cramps real hard.”

  33. GOPCrusher

    Michele announces The Tea Bagger Caucus. Later has to go to the hospital.
    I’m voting for karmic justice.
    Or syphillis.

  34. OReillysVibrator

    “Nancy Pelosi would love nothing more than to defeat me this year and is willing to spend whatever it takes to win,” warned the message.

    How dastardly!

    Did Bachmann announce the amount of money she’s not willing to spend to win yet?

  35. weejee

    Although hookworms would be fitting, that picture started Cream’s tune White Room spinning in my head. And I’m betting she was up on the 8th floor, you know the one without elevator buttons ‘cepting the set behind the glassed-in nurses’ station.

    ♫♫ Lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves ♫♫

  36. BlueStateLiberal

    This is just a lady-thing that ladies go through every month, nothing to worry about, a few Midols will do the trick.

  37. BadKitty

    I’m thinking it’s a 72 hour hold & eval in the psych ward. Anyone that delusional and paranoid has got to be mentally ill. Maybe she and Glenn Beck could be institutionalized in the same ward and keep each other company.

  38. Geogre

    [re=630292]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Oh, but that’s not the point, I’m sure.

    Michelle is worried that those outsiders are there to impose their scary outsider weirdo San Fransisco (gay! get it? gay!) values on YOU, you, the God-fearing voter who really doesn’t live in Bachmann’s district either but who get her newsletter and feel like you’re a resident of “real America.”

    The only way to fight this injustice is to match it!

    Sigh. I do get mailers ‘from Nancy Pelosi’ trying to raise money for the DNC. They’re not very effective compared to my own desire to keep illiterate, ill willed jackasses from messing with my life.

  39. themercenary

    She better watch out, if she goes to one of those Obamacare hospitals Hopey is gonna have one of those tracking chips implanted in her skull.

  40. PlanetWingnuta

    maybe she started to talk sense and someone realized it and decided to put her back in the electro shock treatment so she could be like her base again.

  41. Mad Brahms

    [re=630284]Extemporanus[/re]: We need to have more threads that devolve into Ahnald quotes, really.

    And good catch and the juggalo connection; she shares their mystificaiton at the things that make every day life possible (and possibly their love of faygo?)

  42. Accordion-o-rama

    Michele, I’m sure I speak for all of Wonkette when I say all of our prayers and well wishes are with your spirochetes and streptococci.

  43. Kazoom

    mustardman: They may be borrowing a page from Oral Roberts, who promised to die if people didn’t send him $8 million dollars. Save Ferris!

  44. Rotundo

    If she just rolls over onto the other side, the gas bubble will shift and vent out her cloaca. Why all the fuss.

  45. rptrcub

    Thank you, Wonkette, you have just managed to make Michelle Bachmann look like a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

  46. marin

    hey – maybe i haven’t been paying attention or maybe it’s intern tryout time at the wonkette – but there seems to be a new crop of snarkerators – and they are all on message, hysterical and well, thank you!

    don’t send any of them back to their congressional cubicles or wherever they came from, or are off to – good work keep it up – the only well of sanity in the the perversion sinkhole of beltway…

  47. SwanSwanH

    To their credit, Pizza the Hut says they no longer use high-fructose corn syrup (poison?) in their pig-anus grease cakes.

  48. FlipOffResearch

    I made something special for Michelle, and have been trying to upload it to the YouTube since like 7:30pm tonight. But my stupid mobile broadband on my computer won’t cooperate. I’ll upload it from my place of employment tomorrow.

    Anyway, I had this guy sitting around from this thing I’ve been working on for a couple of weeks, so that explains the relatively quick turn. If anyone can remember the Bush State of the Union where Bachmann slobbered all over him, she would slobber almost as hard over this guy.

    I’ll post a link tomorrow.

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