Tim Pawlenty Hopes His Wife Arouses Iowa Voters

  pimps in the heartland

'Smoking' is just a metaphor for her sexiness. Stay away from tobacco, kids!Tim Pawlenty’s wife Mary just discovered yet another reason out of a presumably infinite list why it would suck to be married to someone running two years early for a 2012 presidential nomination: because your husband will begin all of his stump speeches by extolling you as an object of sexual desire. Then you will have to step up before the hooting crowd, smile prettily, and say, “Yes, I am quite comely, am I not? I hope to feature in your erotic reveries, tonight!” All so your husband might someday have a shot at getting his paws on the nuclear launch codes. America is vulgar and gross, is what we are trying to say.

The New York Times’ strict objectivity prevented it from using the word “distasteful” in the following description:

For this loyal Republican crowd, the setting was a familiar one. The opening line was not.

“I’m very thankful for my red-hot smoking wife, the first lady of Minnesota,” said Gov. Tim Pawlenty, pointing to his wife, Mary, who was standing a few feet away.

As the audience roared, she said with a smile: “Who, when they’re turning 50, doesn’t like to be called a red-hot smoking wife?”

But Mary Pawlenty’s hotness was not the sum total of her husband’s pitch to Iowans! No, there’s also the fact that Pawlenty is familiar to these midwestern farm folk due to the physical proximity of his state to theirs. This raises an important political/theological question: in extolling his wife’s sex appeal, is Pawlenty encouraging his Iowa neighbors to violate the 10th commandment’s rule against coveting one’s neighbor’s wife? He might as well have put poor Mary atop a golden calf and ordered the Iowans to worship it!

If Mary Pawlenty has one consolation, it’s that the masturbatory fantasies that the Iowans indulged in later were presumably quite courtly, due to the traditional Real American values they hold, and were nothing like the awful scenarios the Hell’s Angels dreamed up about Cindy McCain. [NYT]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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3 comments

  1. Sgt. Biyatch

    Yeah, she looks like a high-class tranny. Do such things exist?

    But good for Tim Pawlenty.

  2. Beowoof

    Now there is something that usually gets the wife aroused, point out her hotness to a group of closeted gay men.

  3. JMP

    Ah, she’s too old. Does Tim have any daughters he can offer to the crowd like a certain new Senator?

  4. V572625694

    It’d be wise to do a Google image search before saying “I’d hit that.” But pimping out your wife is the sort of thing one expects from a pol who encourages people to call him “T-Paw.”

  5. Norbert

    I for one hope that this puts an end to the outrageous rumors that Pawlenty is a raging pedophile.

    I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this message.

  6. SeattleJoe

    I think that it’s pretty obvious that she is one of those Russian spies. They’re all totally hot and looking to get up close and personal to powerful men (or whatever.) I liked the one with the red hair better, though. She was like thirty and required a lot less air brushing to bring the crowd to frenzied arousal.

  7. avoidinggradingpapers

    [re=630072]JMP[/re]: I know of one daughter at least….she’s the one who passed out at the school dance at my son’s private school two years ago, then upchucked all over the dance floor and the chaperone who was trying to help her. Now that’s hot!

  8. JackDempsey

    “Is Pawlenty encouraging his Iowa neighbors to violate the 10th commandment’s rule against coveting one’s neighbor’s wife? He might as well have put poor Mary atop a golden calf and ordered the Iowans to worship it!”

    Josh, if you had appended a simple, emphatic “goddammit,” you would have violated a third commandment and achieved the coveted Hawkeye hat trick. Opportunity = wasted.

  9. bfstevie

    Maybe if she’s lucky Timbo will take her on a clothes shopping spree on Michael Steele’s dime.

  10. tencentcomic

    Now, all of the discussion about Pawlenty will be about his wife–right where any Republican would rather place the voters’ attention. What a lovely combination of appeals that come from conservatives–hatred, racial bigotry, homophobia, comic book interpretations of the constitution…

  11. Ducksworthy

    Timmie is an equal opportunity pimp. He’s happily pimping his wife having long ago pimped his own ass to Grover Norquist. And if somebody really did say “When facism comes to America it will come wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross” it was Timmie they meant. Under his mile mannered exterior beats the heart of a true sleaze weasel.

  12. Rosie Scenario

    From: HuffPo, 5/12/2008:

    Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is most likely in a lot of hot water today for a comment he made during a radio show. Pawlenty joked that he wished his wife’s desire for him (in the carnal sense) was as intense as her love of fishing.

    Gov. Tim Pawlenty spent the fishing opener with his wife, Mary Pawlenty, on Big Pelican Lake in Breezy Point, Minn.

    If an aside uttered by Pawlenty on Mike Max’s radio show on WCCO-AM is any indication, they may very well have spent their every waking moment fishing.

    “I have a wife who genuinely loves to fish. I mean, she will take the lead and ask me to go out fishing, and joyfully comes here,” the governor said before adding, “She loves football, she’ll go to hockey games and, I jokingly say, ‘Now, if I could only get her to have sex with me.’”

  13. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    America is vulgar and gross

    I’m totally offended that you would say such lying shit about me. Fuck you and your mother’s flabby belly rolls.

  14. Oblios Cap

    “I’m very thankful for my red-hot smoking wife

    Ricky Bobby lives! Is his campaign slogan “Good & Pawlenty”?

    When did Gov. Pawlenty marry Sara Benincasa?

  15. chascates

    [re=630098]Rosie Scenario[/re]: I imagine most women would prefer fishing with Pawlenty as opposed to having sex with him.

  16. Serolf Divad

    Didn’t John McCain once basically offer up Cindy as a sex toy to a bunch of Hells Angels in exchange for their vote?

  17. El Pinche

    At Sturgis, he’ll say “red-hot pole smoking wife” followed by her flashing the crowd. Oh 2012 please come quickly!

  18. JackDempsey

    [re=630118]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=630120]El Pinche[/re]:
    Right. In the “regular guy” midwest, candidates must jokingly refer to the gang-rape of their prim wives, and speak reverently about cornstalk. In the east, etc, etc.
    It’s this kind of disorienting “where am I today, and what gets the votin’ guy-or-gal yuks?” that leads to big $$$ to hyper-aware types like Mark Penn.

  19. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    That hairdo is straight out of 1975. Or 2010 if you’re in the Midwest…

  20. smitallica

    “I’m very thankful for my red-hot smoking wife, with whom I have had only missionary, face-to-face intercourse, through a holed Carhart jacket, in complete darkness, and only during the distasteful but (currently) necessary act of procreation!”

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    You people are missing the obvious, of course. Sure, she’s a nice looking broad. But Timmy is a reasonably successful (Republican) politician. Why should he settle for an ugly beard?

  22. artpepper

    [re=630072]JMP[/re]: That was Lot’s tactic, before the Lord obliterated the GOP from the face of the Earth. Or am I thinking of Sodom?

  23. libwakman

    Cmon..this chicks hotness appears to be on the same level as the recently finally pawned off Chelsea C. chick. Hardly masturbatory but I’d let either one play a show tune on my organ.

  24. just pixels

    She is easy on the eyes, but his untoward public comment has an “sorry honey, it’ll never happen again” vibe to it. I wonder what he did and who he did it with. QUICK! Find out where Ann Coulter and the other rentboys have been lately.

  25. lawrenceofthedesert

    She’s not blonde — so in Iowa, she doesn’t count. Nor Wisconsin nor Minnesota, eh. The farmes are sighing, “Tim’s okay, for sure, but he shoulda not married that mestizo.” And none of that California bleach, neither — no way to grow hair out. I hear they got blonde Mexicans out there in LA, besides Ricky Martin (is his father Dean still alive?).

  26. GOPCrusher

    [re=630098]Rosie Scenario[/re]: Well, if I had my choice between fishing and fucking Tim Pawlenty, I would take fishing. But I’m a hetero male, so take that for what it’s worth.

  27. Manos: Hands of Fate

    [re=630098]Rosie Scenario[/re]: turn that h into a t, and you’re got a platform for victory right there.

  28. Mad Brahms

    [re=630073]V572625694[/re]: Sweet jesus, did you see the sari picture from their freedomz! trip to India? WHAT KIND OF A REAL AMERICAN ADOPTS FOREIGN DRESS, HENGHH?

    [re=630123]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Ahahaha, I like all-caps shouty Josh. We’ve finally made you snap, haven’t we?

  29. Extemporanus

    [re=630274]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I immediately did that as well — there’s nothing like a good, clean, fish fisting fantasy fap first thing on a Monday morning.

    (Except when it allows someone else to beat you to the comment…)

  30. Extemporanus

    What the hell is going on in that picture?

    Is that her high school senior photo? Is just hanging out in a Macy’s window display circa 1998 or something? Is “beige & brown” the new “black & white”? Why isn’t she wearing nylons under her dress jeans? Isn’t that, like, the law in Minnesota?

    So many questions…

  31. Limeylizzie

    [re=630108]chascates[/re]: I would certainly prefer fishing with him, and I loathe fishing, as the alternative would mean having that repulsive mullett flapping around between my legs, assuming he even knows how to do the old yodelling in the canyon.

  32. JSDC007

    I think the operative word is “homely,” not “comely.”

    The woman would be plain Jane even in a Garrison Keillor skit.

  33. One Yield Regular

    [re=630078]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: She smokes Red Hots, obv. The kooky, krazy things kids these days will do for a cheap high…

  34. steverino247

    [re=630235]Limeylizzie[/re]: You’re the Guns of the Navarone?

    [re=630169]artpepper[/re]: And what were they doing in Gomorrah that was so bad they couldn’t even put it in the Bible, huh? There’s something more fun than sodomy? Ass-to-mouth cum shots?

    (Which reminds me…)

    As for the Missus, for 50 years of age, she’s pretty with wholesome good looks, etc. Wait ’til you guys get older and you’ll see for yourself. However, she weighs about 1/4 of what most Iowa farm wives do, though, so there’s a problem there. (Long story, but don’t go to a Tupperware sales conference with Iowa distributorships present.)

  35. Troubledog

    If spousal hotness had any correlation to elect-ability, we’d be in President Kucinich’s fifth term by now.

  36. Troubledog

    [re=630164]Neilist[/re]: Let’s carpool when we go MMF on that. To reduce our carbon footprint. That’s how liberals roll.

Comments are closed.