Portland DA Says Al Gore Is Not a Sex Monster

 
 It's probably not very much fun to split up with your wife of 75 years and then have the Huffington Post say you've been cheating with Larry David's wife and then have some masseuse in Oregon claim, to theNational Enquirer, that you tried to practice your love on her three years ago when she showed up to give you a hotel massage, for global warming. The world is still melting and Tipper is still boycotting her Prince records alone these days, but at least the Criminal Sex Monster allegations can be put to rest. Al Gore is free to continue fixing the climate and fuming about losing the presidency in 2000 afterwinningthe election and then getting sucker-punched by the Supreme Court.

Portland's district attorney says Gore won't be charged with anything and the investigation is over & done, because of "contradictory evidence, conflicting witness statements, credibility issues, lack of forensic evidence and denials by Mr. Gore."

We hope Al Gore has recovered from this ordeal and can quickly get back to the Environmental Problems, because it seems like the EARTH IS ONE GIANT FIRE, right now. [ Guardian / Oregonian ]