Portland DA Says Al Gore Is Not a Sex Monster

  no lock box for gore

Still don't like getting stuck with him on Chat Roulette.It’s probably not very much fun to split up with your wife of 75 years and then have the Huffington Post say you’ve been cheating with Larry David’s wife and then have some masseuse in Oregon claim, to the National Enquirer, that you tried to practice your love on her three years ago when she showed up to give you a hotel massage, for global warming. The world is still melting and Tipper is still boycotting her Prince records alone these days, but at least the Criminal Sex Monster allegations can be put to rest. Al Gore is free to continue fixing the climate and fuming about losing the presidency in 2000 after winning the election and then getting sucker-punched by the Supreme Court.

Portland’s district attorney says Gore won’t be charged with anything and the investigation is over & done, because of “contradictory evidence, conflicting witness statements, credibility issues, lack of forensic evidence and denials by Mr. Gore.”

We hope Al Gore has recovered from this ordeal and can quickly get back to the Environmental Problems, because it seems like the EARTH IS ONE GIANT FIRE, right now. [Guardian/Oregonian]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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85 comments

  1. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Still, I’m sure that the Republicans will impeach him when they take control of Congress this year.

  2. mcc

    Silly Wonkette. Al Gore will be considered guilty forever despite never having been charged with anything, because he is a Democrat. He will never be allowed in policy debates again.

    Did you know he has a large house? It is true! This is analogous to leaking 150 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

  3. hoosiermama

    [re=629712]facehead[/re]: Srsly, I want the CG Al Gore poledancing on my teevee right now.

  4. Aurelio

    Al’s image as a model of stick-up-the-ass rectitude is damaged forever. Unfortunately, this will weaken his mojo as a preacher the anti-global-warming crusade. The big hand on the environmental doomsday clock is a little closer to midnight, because Al allegedly can’t keep his pecker in his pants.

  5. DC Spring

    He needs a makeover. Something subtle. Yet assertive. Legal. Manly. Defiant.

    BRING BACK THE BEARD, AL!

  6. Geogre

    James Inhoffe can kiss my ass.

    It was 91 at 11 PM last night, 84 at 6 AM, and this has been an absolutely unrelenting string of days that looks like a continuing string. Perhaps we need to start a Gore Party, where we go gore the tires of SUV’s and other lumbering masses of pollution.

    (Ok, let the air out of the tires gently, because we’re liberals, and we’re considerate.)

    (Ok, ok. Leave a note saying that we’re going to let out the air in the tires, if the drivers don’t trade in for more fuel efficient vehicles.)

  7. metalhed

    [re=629734]zhubajie[/re]: Limbaugh recommends Hispaniola, but nah, nothin’ but young brown boys down there.

  8. metalhed

    [re=629726]Geogre[/re]: James Inhofe will kiss ANYONE’S ass, as long as they give him the max donation.

  9. villageatrois

    Why does Al Gore’s mug shot not have a number below his face? Portland is digital as hell; they knows their numbers there. Must be that catch-and-release shit they do with the salmon and the trout. Hit the papers, then slide off the hook.

  10. Oblios Cap

    [re=629742]God, Country, and Jail[/re]:

    Yes, and more of a role model for America’s youth than ever.

  11. BlueStateLiberal

    This will be a terrible blow to my wingnut brother who hates Gore! Happy now Wonkette!

  12. x111e7thst

    [re=629726]Geogre[/re]: Ice pick meet SUV tire. It’s a little antiquated, but I was born in the 50′s.

  13. President Beeblebrox

    [re=629726]Geogre[/re]: I remember when Rush Limbaugh countered critics of global warming by playing an inspirational Bible-centered message from Charlton Heston, President of All Guns, in which the damn dirty ape-hater spoke sagely and wisely about how the Earth was the Lord’s and He Would Abide By Us.

    Or something like that.

    It was total bullshit because, y’know, wise-sounding quotes spoken by a B-movie actor can NEVER change the world. Wait… wut?

  14. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=629726]Geogre[/re]: I’m not buying any of this CO2 mumblygook until a glacier slides into my backyard. Just a bunch of scientists who want to see their name in the National Geographic.

  15. Limeylizzie

    I believe I have mentioned this before, Al Gore is hung like a mule, I watched him on Letterman years ago and spent the whole interview transfixed by his “package” and I was forever scarred by that knowledge and it led to such questions as “Is that why she is called Tipper…she can only handle the tip?”.

  16. just pixels

    Clearly this heat wave is part of the end times. According to Huckabee & LaHaye these latest end times are brought on by Barack Obama’s policies. Who knew God was such a wonk? Joan Heffington, that’s who. Anyway, I’ll bet Inhofe wishes he and Ray Stevens could party like it was February and build some more igloos. Sadly, he only has a snowball’s chance in DC of making that happen.

    What’s this thread about again? Oh yeah, Al Gore not being a convicted crazed sex fiend. Seriously Al, if you want have strange sexytime fun, join the GOP first because they’ll forgive you. As a Demon-crat, the Republicans will spend the next infinity years (or ’til the Earth liquifies next week) alluding to your presumed sex fiendiness. “Embracing Al Gore’s climate proposals is risky.” “No politician can afford to get in bed with Al Gore on climate issues.” “Gore and other alarmists massage the data to fit their agenda.”

  17. user-of-owls

    [re=629719]Aurelio[/re]: The logic is quite simple:

    An attention-seeking masseuse alleged improper behavior by Al Gore;
    Al Gore has been an ardent advocate of policies to mitigate man-made climate change;
    Ergo, climate change is a complete hoax.

    Quod Erat Demonstrandum

  18. user-of-owls

    [re=629726]Geogre[/re]:
    (Ok, ok. Leave a note saying that we’re going to let out the air in the tires, if the drivers don’t trade in for more fuel efficient vehicles.)

    A polite note.

  19. user-of-owls

    [re=629750]Limeylizzie[/re]: There’s a terrible ‘tip of the iceberg’ joke in there somewhere, but I’m not going to make it. Suffice it to say it involves a mother polar bear and her cub desperately clinging to…no, no. I said I wouldn’t do that.

  20. user-of-owls

    [re=629742]God, Country, and Jail[/re]:

    Is he still a sexual tyrannosaurus?

    More like a sexual Mothra. Or better yet, a sexual Minilla.

  21. Escape Goat Nation

    Sean Hannity, April 14, 2013:

    “What did accused serial sex assaulter Al Gore know and when did he know it?

  22. iburl

    Don’t be fooled by the lamestream media. I have it on good authority (Basil Marceaux repeating a story that Andrew Brietbart told Michael Savage) that Al “Butt” Gore converted an antenna testing room into a sex dungeon. Why do you think the iPhone 4 has those antenna problems? That’s, right. Al was goring masseuses in the patooses all up in there. Wake up, sheeple!

  23. supremecourtjester

    I love it. “The Defense Budget–It’s not just for Drugs and Sex any more! “

  24. chascates

    [re=629767]stew[/re]: Guess I’ll go return the bug zapper I got as their wedding gift.

  25. Mr. Spanky

    And all is right with the world!

    Still, it would have been a gas to have had this go to trial. A prime piece of evidence would have been- “Exhibit A” – which would have been the in-courtroom ID of Al’s junk. Given that Al has quite the gut these days, I doubt he would be able to identify it by anymore than feel.

    Now if this had happened in Panama City, FL, rather than Portland, OR, it would still be “Game On!”

  26. tribbzthesquidz

    I’m hoping the Fox Newz will get a shot of the book “Inconvenient Truth” incinerating in this hot July sun, just like they had it sitting out in the snow last winter. They would enjoy burning it.
    “Some people are saying Gawd hast turned the broiler on what fer all the gaywelfareabortionporn.”

  27. weejee

    [re=629767]stew[/re]: ‘Murica has definitely hit a chancre with the Palin tribe. They are an festering sore on the botox buttocks of the body politic.

  28. user-of-owls

    [re=629778]weejee[/re]: …and inside the bowels of the Palin body politic we find???

  29. Zorg

    Reading this makes me believe even more in my idea of starting a no-kill shelter for sex-kittens in D.C. A potential promotional slogan could be “Adopt a sex kitten. Stay out of the media cycle!’ Well, maybe a little clunky. Any supporters for this project out there in Wonkettestan?

  30. richardwb1

    “…a hotel massage, for global warming.”
    Take a lot of rubbing to warm that globe. Boy huge.

    And the way he rolled over, curled up in a corner and tried to lick his nutz after the repugs stole the 2000 election, well, he gets no sympathy here.

  31. Geogre

    [re=629749]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Well, if Inhoffe and the SUV lovers just kept with their, “I don’t understand fancy things like chemistry, or horticulture,” I would say that we could slap helmets on their heads and force the auto industries to do what’s right. That’s not what they do, though. They say that there is no global warming. They say that there can’t be. They say that last December’s snow proves there is no global warming, but this July’s unstinkinbelievable heat means nothing.

    I want to let the air out of them, secretly. Even then, though, there is this massive oven-like radiant heat box, this Domino’s pizza sleeve, that we’re doomed to live in already, because “it’s good for business.”

  32. Jukesgrrl

    [re=629788]Geogre[/re]: If the heat keeps up, you won’t have to deflate the tires. The earth will do it for you. Ask anyone who lives in the desert. We go through twice as many tires (and batteries) as the rest of the country. Or, feel free to deflate their tires and then blame it on the heat.

  33. lawrenceofthedesert

    Unlike the Clintons, who always seemed a boringly focused power couple intent on world domination (ho-hum), Al and Tipper always sent me a very disconcerting vibe, as if they were Sysiphus twins ever trying to play out an unattainable Class President-Cheerleader fantasy on subconscious levels and above — the obsession with costume parties seemed particularly revealing. Now that they have separated, the vibe remains! Weird…

  34. President Beeblebrox

    [re=629747]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Recollection FAIL. I meant to say that Limp Balls countered PROPONENTS of Global Warming by quoting the President of Guns…

  35. artpepper

    [re=629719]Aurelio[/re]: The big hand on the environmental doomsday clock is a little closer to midnight, because Al allegedly can’t keep his pecker in his pants.

    Huh? The big hand is closer to midnight because Republicans think weather is caused by God farting and Democrats are scared little twerps who wet their pants whenever Sean Hannity says “socialism.”

    Also, because the BP oil spill made everyone realize that we really need more offshore drilling ON ACCOUNT OF THE JOBZ.

  36. oneoclockjump

    Georgre: (Sorry, don’t know how to quote here), I would like to start with the SUV owners who like to sport those “Support Our Troops” magnets.
    I have found that these folks will not listen, generally speaking, when it is explained that they, because of the poor gas mileage of these “vehicles”, are handing money unecessarily to nations and groups that are not friendly to the US.
    And that, in fact, many of these groups, the Taliban, for example, are trying to kill US soldiers right as we speak.
    This also does not seem to make any impression on these people.
    So, what would you suggest, in these cases?

  37. just pixels

    [re=629813]oneoclockjump[/re]: All the oil producers hate the U.S. Even Texas, if talk of secession is any indicator.

    A few years ago “Terror Free Gas” opened in the mid-west claiming to get their gasoline from non-terror-sponsoring countries. I guess that means not Iran, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Iraq, etc. As gas is fungible, I’m not sure how solid their claim was but that’s what they said.

    When the reporter asked drivers if they’d buy “terror free” gas, at least one answered “if it’s cheaper”. That’s why we’ll never win the war on terrorists, mitigate global warming or reduce our profligate consumption of everything. Because there is no sacrifice, no matter how small, we are willing to make.

  38. Servo

    The global warming naysayers don’t believe in the intangible unless the Bible says they should. They believe only what exists within the tiny world they live. Hence their wont to connect local and global weather and inability to distinguish between weather and climate. -20°F in Fargo = no global warming.
    All scientific data is deemed theoretical and biased against their God-given right to rape and destroy the natural world to fuel their short, meaningless existence.
    They are juveniles that are bought with cheap oil, silenced with gadgets, and kept in line with religion and they won’t realize their mistake until it’s too late. Then, of course, it’ll be Obama’s fault.

  39. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    How come nobody but nobody is speculating on Al Gore’s invite to the Chelsea Clinton wedding? Why isn’t this TOP NEWS?

  40. sati demise

    [re=629820]Servo[/re]: plus Jeeeeeeeeebus is going to come and rescue them, so no worries.
    Gak, I hate these people. I had one at my house a few days ago, dumb ass ex brother in law.
    It is too much for any sane person to stand.

  41. zhubajie

    [re=629773]Mr. Spanky[/re]: [re=629727]Beowoof[/re]: Well, Bill was the first president to have his pecker examined by a grand jury and be judged “nothing unusual.” Al could be the first (ex) VP. They could go on tours or advertise bovine artificial insemination centers or something.

  42. zhubajie

    [re=629820]Servo[/re]: You can be sure they don’t read the Bible much either. It’s a good-luck idol sitting on their coffee table, no more. “Woe to those at ease in Zion.”

  43. oneoclockjump

    Servo, It’s interesting to note that a similar rationale was used by whites in the 19th century to justify slavery, which supposedly was “okayed” by the Bible. By extension, blacks were said to be less intelligent than whites, conveniently fitting them only for a life of servitude to the “superior” race.
    Justpixels, I was hoping Canada and Mexico at least, didn’t hate us.

    Ego sum orsa intelligo.

  44. sezme

    Perhaps that “Earth is one giant fire” linky might have had more impact if it was linked to Google News instead of Wildfire Restaurants where we are invited to join Al Gore and his package for half price starters every weeknight until the next Chicago fire kills us all.

  45. ImBarb

    [re=629742]God, Country, and Jail[/re]:
    Is he still a sexual tyrannosaurus?

    I dunno, maybe? We just know that he won’t be an ass-a-saurus from going to prison for his “sex attack”
    Poor gal paid for a safe deposit box for her pants, to save the DNA, for nothing. Wonder if she can deduct that on her tax return. Is there a W-69 form that you can just attach on your return? You would think that because so many of our political leaders are “more kinks than vanilla” that it should be under earned incum credit:
    “How many politicians dry humped you this last year, 2010?”

    Former Vice Presidential Erection Campaign:
    Check here if you, or your spouse if filing jointly, want $3 to go to this fund

    Heck Albert, you can count on my husband and me for $6.00. Go, get your globe warmed and mazeltov!

  46. Aurelio

    [re=629808]artpepper[/re]: Huh? The big hand is closer to midnight because…blah blah.
    There are many reasons. It’s like a box of chocolates. Al is the one with the alleged cream filling.

  47. Geogre

    [re=629834]zhubajie[/re]: The Bible has much, much to say about usury, gluttony, and misuse of resources. In fact, the very argument used to say, “We can do what we want” (“stewardship of all dominion”) says that we can’t.

    The S.O.T.’s (Support Our Troops), or Saudi Patriots, floor their gas pedals at green lights, drive with one occupant, run the DVD player in the back with the air conditioner going, etc. I see it every day, because I no longer live where there is a subway. The way they deny global warming tells you that they know it’s true. They don’t deny it with actual uncomprehension, nor with true faith, but with the fingers in the ears and “nyaaaaaa!”

    This is why they need the air let out of them, or their tires taken away, or their gas caps glued shut.

  48. Malketeer

    [re=629749]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I also love the other wingnut meme that climate scientists only claim global warming is true so they can get rich.

    Rich? Do these people have any idea how little this country pays its scientists? When I was a postdoc, Bush was spending the equivalent of my yearly stipend in Iraq every eleven seconds.

    Regardless, you would think we might all be able to agree: pollution = bad; less pollution = good. Instead, the whackadoodles have some sort of bizarro calculus going like: if global warming = true then bill clinton > jesus.

  49. Servo

    [re=629970]Malketeer[/re]:
    And any jump in oil prices is price gouging, not the forces of their beloved Free Market.

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