THE TRIX RABBIT  5:23 pm July 30, 2010

Robert Gates Hates All Children Who Aren’t Boy Scouts

by Jack Stuef

Look, kids! It's your friend Robert Gates! He is like the Justin Bieber of adults.Defense Secretary Robert Gates addressed this week’s Boy Scout Jamboree, the most important event in our nation’s history, because SOMEBODY couldn’t bother to come. The Wall Street Journal described Gate’s speech as “cranky” — just because he attacked the character of innocent young (non Boy Scout) Americans, who are “increasingly physically unfit.”

Gates certainly felt good about himself, attacking innocent fat kids and mocking the tubby Boy Scouts. Hopefully, this army man was able to point out to America’s fat youth that they are also ugly and undesirable — unlike the pretty people, such as Robert Gates, who appear in glossy magazines.

Quoting Walter Lippman, Gates said he sees daily “the disaster of the character of men” and “the catastrophe of the soul.”

But, he was quick to add, not among Boy Scouts.

“At a time when many American young people are turning into couch potatoes, and too often much worse, scouting continues to challenge boys and young men, preparing you for leadership,” Gates said.

And thus he escaped getting beaten up by the billions of children in the crowd. It is the other children, the non Boy Scouts, who are the problem! Not you kids! You have good character! It is your siblings and friends who are ruining the country!

Then everyone signed up to go die in Afghanistan and high-fived their phat new best friend Robert Gates. [WSJ]

 

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{ 56 comments }

King Lanky Blue July 30, 2010 at 5:29 pm

He forgot to mention the homos. No homos in the Boy Scouts, nosiree. Its the couch potatoes AND the homos that will have us overrun with muslins.

just pixels July 30, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Unfit? I can Oscar Mike a mile with a full military load backpack plus extra ammunition and arrive at my rally point alert and ready. WAIT! Are we talking about Modern Warfare for XBOX or real life?

JMP July 30, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Scouting continues to train young boys in conformity, obedience, uniform-wearing, and hatred of the other, preparing them to be good soldiers in a few years so we can send them off to kill brown people until they get a limb or two blown off.

slappypaddy July 30, 2010 at 5:44 pm

a simple draft would provide so many solutions. here’s the plan: end elementary and secondary schooling at age 15, draft all persons into national service at that age, have them spend the next six years of their lives doing all sorts of necessary stuff — some can go into military service, but good god not all of them, what are you thinking? — whip ‘em into shape and teach them to work together for a common good, give them all the contraceptive help they’re going to need because people that age are going to fuck, then when they’re 21 discharge them with vouchers to pay for a four-year degree at the state school of their choice (more or less), with the vouchers useable at places like harvard or yale if they can rustle up the extra dollars.

any high-schooler can tell you that high school is a waste, it’s been that way for generations — and any european can tell you that an american college degree is the equivalent of one of their high school diplomas — plus, teens are at the age when they are so idealistic and ready to make a positive difference in the world. for christ’s sake — or someone’s — end this colossal waste that american secondary education has too long been and get those young adults out working (and fucking, they’re going to fuck, gotta face that, it’ll be happening whenever they get the chance, may as well not punish them for being lusty young humans).

yeah, it’s just a dream, but a cat’s gotta dream.

x111e7thst July 30, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Mr Gates seems a little pudgy in that photo. Is he too becoming ‘increasingly physically unfit,’?

GOPCrusher July 30, 2010 at 5:46 pm

Did Robert Gates forget that he’s no longer in charge of recruiting for The Bushyt Holy Crusade Against Islam?
We’re supposed to be winding down before these Boy Scouts get sent to Afghanistan.

Native of SL UT July 30, 2010 at 5:48 pm

I’m with Gates. I hate all other American children (except my own) except I hate the Boys Scouts too.

chascates July 30, 2010 at 5:51 pm

Mormons and Boy Scouts (Penn & Teller)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceOb1-O8rPc

Mormons sponsor 30,000 Boy Scout troops.

x111e7thst July 30, 2010 at 5:54 pm

[re=629522]slappypaddy[/re]: I spent a good portion of my teenage years getting high, getting laid and getting into fights. I also traveled overland from NYC to Buenos Aires. School did not much interfere with these important things, your plan for national service would have.

wilbro July 30, 2010 at 5:55 pm

Scout Pyle! Scout Pyle! What is your major malfunction?

edgydrifter July 30, 2010 at 6:01 pm

Fighting off Scoutmaster McGrabbyhands keeps a young man physically fit, mentally awake and morally confused.

hi ox July 30, 2010 at 6:02 pm

[re=629532]x111e7thst[/re]: Getting laid in high school?… uh… yeah… I did that too… lots!

/switches from beer to scotch

Extemporanus July 30, 2010 at 6:10 pm

[re=629499]King Lanky Blue[/re]: I once entered a Betty Crocker Cook-Off with my recipe for “Seven Layer Homotato Ham-boree Asserole”.

If I hadn’t let the French’s fried onion topping get a little soggy, I’m pretty sure I would’ve won. (In retrospect, I also probably could’ve gone a little easier on the Cheez Whiz and semen…)

Bearbloke July 30, 2010 at 6:13 pm

[re=629528]Native of SL UT[/re]: Those kids aren’t yours, Mate – they’re Levi Johnston’s…

ella July 30, 2010 at 6:15 pm

He wasn’t cranky until one of the scouts proudly announced he’s working on his Wikileaks merit badge.

BlueStateLiberal July 30, 2010 at 6:34 pm

Lying and misrepresenting facts in order to wage war on a sovereign nation resulting in the loss of billions and untold bloodshed- a forgivable mistake. Lying around on the couch eating Doritos and playing video games – a “disaster of character.”

Johnny Zhivago July 30, 2010 at 6:44 pm

I sat through a presentation on the Boy Scouts with my kid who was a Cub scout and was considering “crossing over” or whatever it was (he ended up deciding he had better things to do).

Anyway the Scoutmaster gives the Dads this pitch on how helpful it will be when your kid joins the Army to have an Eagle Scout badge because it’s an automatic promotion for some reason. Ok well, that’s good to know, as the parents are looking around at each other wondering what the fuck this guy is talking about.

He then starts on about the “religious” side of the scouts and how they always take the “catholic boys” to church on Sunday during outings like their recent trip to D.C. – and of course they find some stupid thing for the “protestants” to do too – like go to the book store at the National Cathedral.

At this point, I was so damn close – so damn close – to saying something like “well that’s great, as long as my boy is able to bring his prayer mat and face Mecca four times a day…”

I knew this guy’s head would explode.

red sky July 30, 2010 at 6:49 pm

[re=629522]slappypaddy[/re]: While I love your idea for national service your comparison of EU secondary education to US colleges is about as bogus a euro trash comment as birthers oft repeated long form comments. Maybe if you compare Eaton and rural Alabama high schools, but not so much otherwise. That being said we got a lot of fat kids in this country.

Bearbloke July 30, 2010 at 6:56 pm

[re=629554]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: “face Mecca four times a day” – not five?

Your family must be adherents of ObamIslam… Allahu Barackbar!!

Shitty the Clown July 30, 2010 at 7:01 pm

As a Scout in 1964, I took a carton of Marlboros to the jamboree at Valley Forge. Smoked every one of them, except for the ones the other guys bummed from me.

Every day in the morning announcements, we all were warned to stay away from the girls from Philadelphia. Several Scouts who were caught “mingling” with them already had been sent home. Ever since those days long ago, I’ve wondered what evil magic those Philly girls must have.

One night, I heard my tentmate jerking off. “He must want to go to Philadelphia,” thought I.

Meatmaker July 30, 2010 at 7:15 pm

[re=629522]slappypaddy[/re]: Strangely enough, my dreams also involve lots of athletic 20-year-olds with ample contraceptive supplies giving service.

Meatmaker July 30, 2010 at 7:17 pm

[re=629522]slappypaddy[/re]: Followed by discharge.

Lascauxcaveman July 30, 2010 at 7:25 pm

[re=629522]slappypaddy[/re]: Yeahahmm, like a few others before me, I’m calling bullshit on your whole “High school is a waste of time” tirade. When I compare the education I got in the 70′s to the one my daughter is getting now, it’s like night and day. The availability of ‘honors’ classes and ‘running start’ program with the local community college, the arts and music programs, plus the tech & trades training for the ones who just want to get out and get a job make my kids’ school waaaay better.

Its the same school, same buildings (well, the added a few new ones over the past 30 years) same location, same hours as the school I went to. Same problem with never having any money in the school district, same threats of cutbacks all the time, even some of the same teachers are there. The student body is less numerous and the football team STILL sucks (it’s a tradition!) but the students are held to (and live up to) a much higher standard these days. Teachers too.

Lascauxcaveman July 30, 2010 at 7:28 pm

[re=629580]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I *have* noticed that a lot of my daughter’s classmates *are* a bit on the chunky side, however.

Johnny Zhivago July 30, 2010 at 7:33 pm

[re=629564]Bearbloke[/re]: Thought it was four!

OCKerouac July 30, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Funny, I hate all Boy Scouts… I guess that’s one more thing on which Bobby and I differ…

OCKerouac July 30, 2010 at 7:35 pm

[re=629583]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Well, more book-reading and less date-raping will do that to a kid…

Potater July 30, 2010 at 7:50 pm

As a Potato-American, I take offense.

Joshua Norton July 30, 2010 at 8:51 pm

They should do what all good wingnuts do. Remove their soul so there’s more room for stomach.

Just sayin’

Servo July 30, 2010 at 8:56 pm

Secretary gates should meet my old Scoutmaster, Phil DeBois.
How can they exclude teh gayz when they meet each other, in the woods, with a cockring on a yellow neckerchief? C’mon!

steverino247 July 30, 2010 at 9:08 pm

[re=629529]chascates[/re]: And I ran into every fucking one of them a couple years ago while vacationing in Pennsylvania. What assholes they are! Creepy little shits, every one of them.

user-of-owls July 30, 2010 at 9:44 pm

Weep ye America, Trig will never be a Boy Scout.

slappypaddy July 30, 2010 at 9:48 pm

it pleases me to hear from my fellow wonketties that our schools are above average and are not interfering in any deleterious fashion with the lives of our youth, who it would seem need little or no guidance or training beyond the plethora of golden opportunities currently presented them. this seems to be one area in which there is no room nor even need for improvement.

i, on the other hand, are nowhere near drunk enough.

slappypaddy July 30, 2010 at 9:49 pm

or am. am nowhere near. though the floor is rapidly drawing closer.

WalkinwiththeKing July 30, 2010 at 9:58 pm
WalkinwiththeKing July 30, 2010 at 10:04 pm

[re=629629]WalkinwiththeKing[/re]:

I couldn’t figure out what kind of a theme this dipshit was trying to get across. But, I got some ideas.

DC Hates Me July 30, 2010 at 10:11 pm

American boys should be more like alQaeda. Fit, trim, loyal, resourceful, outdoorsy.

PsycGirl July 30, 2010 at 10:25 pm

“At a time when many American young people are turning into couch potatoes, and too often much worse,…” WHAT could be worse than turning into a couch potato? Perhaps a couch lima bean, that’s what, or a couch Brussels sprout, or worst of all, couch okra.

Mr Blifil July 30, 2010 at 10:34 pm

Is it true there’s a merit badge for Sphincter Resilience?

WhatTheHeck July 30, 2010 at 10:51 pm

As a Boy Scout I received a merit badge for helping the olds, but I’m afraid I could offer no help to Walnuts. He was beyond help.

I learned many things about the outdoors, including respect for wildlife and the environment. Yet I could not impart any of that to Sarah Palin.

I learned about brotherhood. bit the Tea Party would have none of it.

So you are probably saying, what good did the Scouts do for me? Well, let me think about that while I have a drink on my couch.

samsuncle July 30, 2010 at 10:51 pm

I was kicked out of the Boy Scouts for eating a Brownie.

Radiotherapy July 30, 2010 at 11:37 pm

[re=629652]samsuncle[/re]: thank you berry munch

AuntieStupefaction July 30, 2010 at 11:48 pm

See, I directed that irate grizzly bitch in Montana Yellowstone in his general direction and she didn’t listen to me. Dumbass, now we still have to listen to this douchebag. And your kidz are going to teh zoo.

facehead July 31, 2010 at 12:08 am

Mississippi must be filled with non-scout muslins. Why hasn’t Chuck Norris invaded?

Jim89048 July 31, 2010 at 1:37 am
Butterscotch Stalin July 31, 2010 at 3:21 am

I was a scout for a couple years and there’s really no difference in BMI or morals or whatever. Unless you had a troop with a type-A leader.

ryanwalker July 31, 2010 at 8:03 am

I was too in boys scout during my school days. I got to learn a lot during that period and that education is still useful for me.
Muscle Morph

lawrenceofthedesert July 31, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Scouts were always kind of right-wing, but they have done a Thelma & Louise right over the edge of that cliff. How are they different from the Hitler Youth?

Dredd July 31, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Most likely it was his baptism into the religion of Oilah Akbar that influenced his disdain.

PineyWoodster July 31, 2010 at 7:53 pm

The Boy Scouts around here are a pretty chunky lot.

PineyWoodster July 31, 2010 at 8:15 pm

He started off his speech with the “US military is fighting for your freedoms in Afghanistan and Iraq” bit.

Do even the Boy Scouts believe that anymore?

slappypaddy July 31, 2010 at 11:22 pm

[re=629884]linli321[/re]: everything’s a marketing opportunity

glamourdammerung August 1, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Given all the kid-diddling in the Boy Scouts lately, maybe Obama wanted to avoid being associated with the organisation.

GOPCrusher August 2, 2010 at 12:09 pm

[re=629554]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Yeah, well, I keep getting denied a promotion because of a gum chewing incident in 1968.

Scoutmaster August 5, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Such a sad state.

As a Life Long Scouter I:
Don’t hate homosexuals.
Don’t hate atheists.
Am not a war monger.
Don’t want my boys to go to war but I am proud of them when they do and I most certainly support them.

Scouting is not for everyone. It takes a very special person to complete the program. That’s the real reason so many hate the Scouts. Scouts don’t hate or discriminate against anyone. You all lay the blame for the decisions of like 12 people on millions of Scouts, Scouters (people who pay to donate their time and resources to the youth). Just like everywhere else, their are bad apples. The overwhelming majority though are better than most and I’m not afraid to say it. Statistically Scouts, and I’m not talking about those that were “in it for a few years but quit because I couldn’t hack being accountable to anyone or anything”, I’m talking about those that truly live the Scout Oath and Law in their everyday life, are better people than most you’ll meet.

Argue it if you want to but before you make further fool of yourself, maybe read up on the subject your professing to know so much about.

The Facts:
Scouting numbers have shrunk since the 70′s. What has grown?

The belief that there is no right or wrong.

Teenage pregnancy up nearly 400%. (not births of course, whe have ways of taking care of that little “problem”) for the record, it was during the 70′s that Planned Parenthood really got reved up. The number of teenage (meaning under 18 conceptions) stayed relatively steady since 1920, when this sort of thing started being tracked, and has grown steadily since the 70′s.

The number of kids killing kids.

Divorce.

Teachers molesting students.

Drug and alchohol addiction.

Unemployment.

I could go on.

To complete my point, guess what hasn’t changed in 100 years?

Scouting. Statistically, Scouts (again, I mean those that didn’t quit) statisticlly don’t father children out of wedlock, stay married (by a huge margin), (the numbers are astounding on this subject), don’t kill, rape, rob, or end up in jail (again, 1 Eagle Scout in 100 years has committed murder), graduate college, earn more, represent upwards of 12% of the community service complete in this country (even though they represent less than 1% of the population) and end up being the really cool, role model types over and over again. Do a search for famous people that were Scouts, you just might be surprised to see how many men that you respect, were Eagle Scouts.

Yes BSA has had trouble with pedophiles. No where near the number of problems public schools, private, schools, day care, etc. etc. etc. Statistically, Scouting is the safest place to be for young men and women (yes they allow girls in the Venturing program).

Boy Scouts may have their problems, as everyone does, but over time… well, I guess we all have our own opinions concerning who’s right and wrong. What I know is that you wont find Scouts protesting anyone. Scouts are always the target, never the shooter.

capsfan78 August 10, 2010 at 1:06 am

You’re wrong about the murder bit.

Eagle Scouts who have committed murder

Daniel Altstadt, massacred his family with a hatchet in San Diego, 1975.
Richard Angelo, male nurse/serial killer.
Arthur Gary Bishop, serial killer.
Lesley Lee Gosch, murderer
Russell Henderson, one of Matthew Shepard’s killers.
Mark Hofmann, the Mormon forger, blew up two people in 1985.
Richard Walter Holtje, baby killer
Gerald Johnson, stabbed best friend’s parents to death
David Brian Legg, psychopath who murdered his parents for financial gain
Larry Matthew Puckett, rapist and killer
John Edward Robinson, serial killer.
Ronald Scott Shamburger, convicted murderer, executed by lethal injection.
Charles Whitman, Texas belltower sharpshooter.
Wendell Williamson, spree killer.

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