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Teevee’s Matlock Betrays Seniors By Shilling Socialism


It takes a kind, familiar stroke-voice to relate information to people with stroke-voices, so Medicare has signed up Andy Griffith to tell them about the changes that colored man has made to their Medicare benefits WITHOUT ASKING THEM FIRST. Yes, Andy Griffith, the man who played the sheriff who was exonerated for killing the character “Rodney King” on The Andy Griffith Show and the detective who raped, decapitated, and ate a woman in a cookie factory on Matlock. Andy Griffith is being paid to keep old people quiet while President Obama quietly runs up behind them and kills them.

Polls show that seniors are more skeptical of the health care law than are younger people because Medicare cuts provide much of the financing to expand coverage for the uninsured. That could be a problem for Democrats in the fall congressional elections, because seniors vote in large numbers.

Whereas younger people have “jobs” and “lives” and “haven’t gotten dementia yet.”

And the award for best final lines of an AP article goes to:

Related video

The ad is slated to run on channels seniors watch, such as the Weather Channel, CNN, Hallmark and Lifetime, at an initial cost of $700,000. Griffith is 84.

[AP]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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78 comments

  1. Judas Peckerwood

    Oooh! The wingnuts won’t be able to stop themselves from attacking Andy, and this could finally be their undoing.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    That nice, honest, straightforward man with country values who everyone looked up to for decades is nothing but a filthy communist liar — who knew?

  3. Oblios Cap

    If, for some reason, Andy is unable to fulfill his contract, is David Broder signed as his backup?

    The ads could feature Barney with his “magic bullet”.

  4. grendel

    People watch the weather channel? For more than like 2 minutes at a time? Really? That’s kind of sad…

  5. ManchuCandidate

    [re=629154]bluebrazos[/re]:
    It would be zombie Barney Fife considering Don Knotts is dead.

  6. Buzz Feedback

    [re=629163]grendel[/re]: My wife’s grandmother used to start the day w/a ciggy butt, a half can of warm Kronenbourg, and the weather. Then she died.

  7. XOhioan

    If Andy doesn’t kill you with his Death Panel, Wilford Brimley will give you Diabeetus.

  8. Blue_in_VA

    Putting aside the snark for a moment, this is actually a very good ad. Senior love and trust Andy, and maybe this will allay some of the fear the GOP has been putting in their heads. Anything that gives our grandparents peace of mind is a good thing.

  9. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I’m withholding judgement on the health care plan until Gomer Pyle chimes in.

  10. taylormattd

    OK, I’m trying to read about Matt-lock, and my eyes keep drifting over to the “get ripped quickly” dude. Plus, people at work going to think I’m looking at gay porn (which I’m not going to do until I get home, ok?)

  11. Extemporanus

    Now, if we can just get Dustim Hoffman to reprise that “Matlock”-obsessed retard character who fucked the “Top Gun” dude, we’ll have 90% of the Teabagger demographic perfectly targeted.

  12. BlueStateLiberal

    This is obviously a covert Death Panel approach, as it will induce cardiac arrest in many wingnuts who will be devastated when they see that their beloved Matlock has turned to the Dark Side. That Obamer is a lot more devious than you libs think!

  13. Undeterredbyreality

    Next we can have Gomer (Jim Nabors) pushing for Gay Marriage and the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

    I was gonna suggest Opie for something but we all know he grew up to be a pinko.

  14. Extemporanus

    [re=629182]Extemporanus[/re]: Or Dustin Hoffman. Doesn’t really matter — all Jews look alike to them.

  15. Suds McKenzie

    [re=629179]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I’ll wait for Grandpa Simpson. I know he loves Matlock, but “There’s a Demecrat in the Whitehouse”.

  16. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    But, really, are you surprised that Andy Griffith is a socialist? I mean, Mayberry R.F.D.. What does R.F.D. stand for? And why has the Obama administration covered it up?

    Using the vast tubes of the internet, it turns out that R.F.D. stands for “Rural Free Delivery,” a term given to it by the Postal Service. Hmmmm…., “Free” Delivery. And it is used by the most communistic part of the government, the Postal Service….

    Is it possible that Mayberry is the location of the first FEMA Concentration/Death Camp? Will the olds be delivered there for “free,” just to be turned into Soylent Green? Will anyone other than Glen Beck and FOX care about how the Progressives are taking our once proud country and destroying it, just so they can send the olds to some rural area to kill them? And why is it free? Shouldn’t the olds be charged something, or can the Obama administration just not help itself and has to run up a deficit in everything they do?

    I fear for my country. I fear for my life. I fear that this “Andy Griffith” is just a precursor to the full extermination of everything that once made this country great. Won’t someone please think of the children? Won’t someone please think of Grandma and save her from the death panels? Why has Sarah Palin not stood up to this man, who probably is the true father of Bristol’s baby and Trig?

    It is indeed a sad day for a once great country.

  17. Undeterredbyreality

    [re=629190]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Thank you for showing me how this all ties together. It’s beginning to make sense now.

  18. JMP

    It’s all that Opie’s fault, going all socialist then convincing his old man to help the Marxists. The trouble probably all started when he began hanging out with that no good greaser motorcyclist kid, then before you know it he’s making up stories about dwarves fighting two-headed dragons and men getting lost on their way to the moon and you just know that means he was smoking the wacky tobaccy.

  19. Crankenstank

    Somebody forgot their medication and left the ‘n’ out of dementia! This won’t look good to your Death Panel, Jack!!

  20. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=629190]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Andy’s been a communist for a long time. Way back in 2008, he and his red headed stepchild, Opie (a.k.a. “Richie Cunningham”), and well-known foreign anarcho-socialist “Arthur Fonzarelli,” made videos praising the socializms to come.

    One the rage of the internets, the video has seemingly now disappeared, but leaves behind a toxic slime trail of evidence in liberal blogs such as the HuffPost, etc.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/23/ron-howards-call-for-obam_n_137214.html

  21. Dolmance

    I like the one where Andy got drunk with Goober and Gomer on the anniversary of his wife’s death and ended up sodomizing Otis the town drunk with his nightstick. But then Opie got it covered it up the next morning by telling Otis that if he told anyone he’d be an orphan.

  22. SmutBoffin

    Every once in a while, IN MY MIND, I give away an award to the Wonkette editor who write the most obfuscated prose. Today, Jack, you win for

    “…the detective who raped, decapitated, and ate a woman in a cookie factory on Matlock.”

  23. The Silver Fox

    [re=629183]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Yep. First they came for aged former TV stars…

    Andy struck a deal to be spared from the death panels. The bastard.

  24. Dolmance

    [re=629176]Blue_in_VA[/re]: The seniors aren’t just afraid. They resent young people because they’re cuter and smell better and have more fun and they don’t give a flying fuck if they get a disease and die. And of course, they want everything, even if they have to pluck it out of the mouths of impoverished children.

  25. peaceofcrap

    In the UNEDITED version of this video, Griffith explains how in the end Medicare decided not to help the olds after all. You’ve twisted it to reverse its meaning!11!!!

  26. Aunt Fancy

    [re=629167]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: That would for sure get Tea Baggers on board…someone on their own intellectual level. Plus they would have the added motivation to just give up and go lock themselves up.

  27. Monsieur Grumpe

    What’s Floyd the barber doing these days? He’d make a good spokesman for the Republicans.

  28. Chernobyl Soup

    [re=629151]Panquake[/re]: He’s referring to the pilot episodes. You won’t see them much in syndication.

  29. Bearbloke

    [re=629147]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Aaann-DEEEE!!! Khrushchev’s on the hot line again – tell him we’re fresh out of pecan pie!”

    [re=629190]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: So, does this mean that ‘Aunt Bee’ was the Red Queen of Marx?!?

    [re=629179]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: [re=629154]bluebrazos[/re]: Gomer Pyle will be Minister Fife’s Undersecretary of Anal Pleasur3e & Health – he’s even prepared a new YouTube campaign, to reach the kids!

  30. Pourly Ritten

    Barney joined the Death Panel squad just so that he could get an extra bullet for his pistol,

  31. Way Cool Larry

    [re=629220]peaceofcrap[/re]: (cut out) “(Those death panels, putting an early end to your suffering…) I think you’re going to like it!”

  32. Ducksworthy

    [re=629199]JMP[/re]: There’s the wingtard talking point now. The communist Opie took advantage of his clearly demented TV dad to help Obama push us into the swamp of socialisms.

  33. Bearbloke

    [re=629214]The Silver Fox[/re]: “Andy struck a deal to be spared”… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    This Useful Idiot Sheriff hasn’t yet learned that a deal with The Communist Negro Muslin AntiChrist NEVER ends well??

    “DA! – Ve Vill See You In HELL, Sheriff Taylour.. And Your Leetle Dog Opi, Too!”

  34. Extemporanus

    [re=629182]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh fudge! Looks like I confused that “Matlock” character with that “Wapner” character.

    I blame “Rusty the Bailiff”. And alchohol-induced early-onset Alzheimer’s. And “Rusty the Bailiff”.

  35. JMP

    [re=629248]Ducksworthy[/re]: Are they actually saying that? Damn, I just meant it as joke wingnuts, please don’t take my mockery of you as serious advice.

  36. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=629233]Bearbloke[/re]: Clearly Aunt Bee is Griffith’s controller, just like Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate.

  37. DoktorZoom

    [re=629190]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: A bit of googling found an article by one “Brad Edmonds,” which exposes the communist propaganda in the original Andy Griffith Show:

    –Andy refuses to carry a gun. Barney, who exercises his second-amendment rights, is portrayed as a buffoon.

    –There are virtually no intact nuclear families in Mayberry.

    –Otis, the town drunk is portrayed as loveable, not a pariah.

    –”Helen, the public schoolteacher, knew what was good for children better than their parents did.”

    Just how much of that was intended as a spoof, I have no idea…

  38. DoktorZoom

    [re=629328]DoktorZoom[/re]: HTML fail.

    Also!

    “Mayberry RFD” was the Griffith-less sequel to the original, starring Disney blandman Ken Berry and most of the “AGS” supporting cast. According to the Wikipedia article, “It was canceled in CBS’s infamous ‘rural purge’ of 1971.”

    Ooh, nice quote from THAT wiki article: “It is commonly referred to as ‘the year CBS killed everything with a tree in it,’ a phrase coined by Pat Buttram, who played Mr. Haney on CBS’s Green Acres.” Sez here that the purge was largely perpetrated by Fred “Supertrain” Silverman.

  39. Jukesgrrl

    [re=629163]grendel[/re]: The olds are obsessed with weather. They need to know how many coats to put on to get the mail.

  40. NopantsMcGee

    I forget what person mentioned this (Bill Maher?) but there are no married men of any of the main characters on The AG show.

    Barney
    Andy
    Floyd the barber ( shocker!)
    Otis (I think he had a wife on an early episode, tho)
    Goober
    Gomer
    That newspaper guy with the glasses.
    Opie

    A hotbed of early 60′s homo-rificness.

  41. Serolf Divad

    Andy Griffith, the man who played the sheriff who was exonerated for killing the character “Rodney King” on The Andy Griffith Show

    I especially liked the part where Sidney Potier’s character says: “They call me Mr. Tibbs!”

  42. Jukesgrrl

    [re=629182]Extemporanus[/re]: Don’t apologize for this minor error. My late father loved all of the above: Matlock, Wapner, the movie Rainman, AND the Weather Channel. I always thought it was random craziness, but now you’ve allowed me to see a pattern. Olds Autism.

  43. General Choomin

    Old people medical commercials either have Wilford Brimley, scooters, happy dogs, or all three at once. Another disturbing aspect is that Jewish actors are being typecast as pharmacists/doctors in the majority of these old people commercials. We live in a sick and twisted world when their isn’t any room for Jewish commercial actors in any multiracial bud light commercial.

    Anyways, I always knew Andy was a Stalinist. In his prime he killed many a Kulak ya know. I see he hasn’t lost his lust for genocide aka Obummercare.

  44. NopantsMcGee

    [re=629215]Dolmance[/re]:

    “The seniors aren’t just afraid. They resent young people because they’re cuter and smell better and have more fun and they don’t give a flying fuck if they get a disease and die. And of course, they want everything, even if they have to pluck it out of the mouths of impoverished children.”

    Goldurn right! The more we ‘pluck’ from poor kids the more organs we’ll eventually have when the time comes to prop up my 107 year old heart. And more choices too! If I want the heart or liver of a 13 year old Mongolian kid or the corneas of a 12 year old Irish girl, why should I not have them? I’ve paid my dues carnsarn it!

  45. Oldskool

    No doubt they left out Fox by mistake. Ange has been a Dem since forever. They could also have used Dean Smith, two yellow dog of a feather.


  46. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=629213]SmutBoffin[/re]: Oh, obfuscated prose, more often is the occasion, c’mon, here, and also other days, that that I have used language that is without a doubt to such, in the course of my writing, a degree that the syntax is more likely to bewilder (that I employ), casual or not, the reader.

    And also I should win every one of those awards.

    Also also you made a typo. HOTCHA.

  47. Geogre

    [re=629535]Oldskool[/re]: Dean Smith would annoy some people.

    However, Andy came up as a folk singer. He was in UNC in its more radical phase and then went up north. His “What it was was football” satire was a bit of a hit, and then there was “A Face in the Crowd,” which is what everyone ought to watch, and “No Time for Sergeants.” He is, essentially, a child of the FDR south.

  48. Oldskool

    [re=629617]Geogre[/re]: Dukies might be annoyed by Dean. hehe. Funny how FDR produced sane folk like those two and gazillions of teabaggers. My parents are their age and you can guess where they like to get their news. Anyhoo, Andy was almost talked into running against Jesse Helms years ago but he declined.

  49. mustardman

    I think they should have gone with the grainy black and white Orwellian 1984 themed version featuring Ted Bundy and Son of Sam lookalikes. But what do I know.

  50. wanu

    Andy Griffith is so old and SENILE they could probably get him to pitch anything. Such a shame. I will never be able to bring myself to watch another old Andy Griffith Show again. The thing is is that he seems like he has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel anyway. Did he have a stroke or something? He may not have to experience the full blown Socialized medicine.

  51. libwakman

    Iron Man Barney Fife was selected as Death Panel Czar. Otis the town drunk was his first decapitation.

  52. Captain Swing

    If they’re really serious about spreading their message by using folks who senior citizens can relate to, they should get Dominic Chianese’s Junior Soprano to give their Medicare reforms a boost – There must be gazillions of old codgers out there who secretly share his desire to shtup Angie Dickinson…

  53. Manos: Hands of Fate

    [re=629147]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This scumbag has been selling out America ever since he cut spots against one of greatest Senators and defender of the free market and white supremacy, Jesse Helms.

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