Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding

  it's morning in america
  • I remember you well at the Chelsea Hotel, you were famous, your heart was a legend.Remember Chelsea Clinton, the poor little rich girl who lived in the White House during our last era of Peace & Prosperity, when people had no problems beyond grunge, Windows 95, Oval Office blowjobs and the rapidly growing chasm between the wealthy and the poor? Well, Chelsea has not been in the news very much, ever, other than that time a couple of years ago when her mom was accused of “whoring” the adult child, during a primary campaign. It’s no wonder the entire Democratic fundraising community of moneybags is so upset about not getting invited to Chelsea’s “small wedding,” because what are we now, chopped liver? Is the wedding “small” like the checks we wrote to Bill and Hills and now we’re not invited to be Chelsea’s “best man” or at least perform the ceremony like cool friends always do these days? As Chelsea is a private figure and a 30-year-old grownup, some anti-American types may wonder why the national media and teevee morning shows are freaking out about her marriage ceremony scheduled for tomorrow in Rhinebeck, New York. The answer is simple, according to Politico editor Jim VandeHei. “We don’t have much planned,” he said. [New York Times/Mid Hudson News]
  • Some of Charlie Rangel’s constituents in Harlem say he’s had a good run and did a lot of important things for his district, but now it’s time to hang it up, because it appears that he’s been caught doing many bad things, with the moneys. And the House ethics panel investigating Rangel’s suspicious gifts and kickbacks and lack of tax payments says the 80-year-old congressman basically stalled them every step of the way for two years. [New York Daily News/The Hill]
  • Human fraud-king Barack Obama appeared on the important Washington chat show The View, where he debauched himself by claiming to not know about teevee’s greatest genius from last night’s Greetings From Asbury Park, New Jersey program, “the Snooki.” But didn’t he read a joke about “the Snooki” at a comedy dinner recently? IMPEACH HIM FOR THIS. Also he claims he wasn’t invited to Chelsea’s wedding, even though he’s the first black president since her dad. [Sun-Times]
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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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1 comment

  1. TheGryphon

    [re=628779]algoresexattack[/re]: what do you think this is, Utah? Bill’s already married to HIS EGO! (badump bump, I’m here all week, try the veal)

  2. Diamante

    Congratulations Chelsea. Where’s the tender memorial nod to Socks the cat? Surely you won’t forget to mention him on your very important day!

  3. Vulpes82

    [re=628783]Diamante[/re]: Considering they dumped him off on the secretary the minute they left the White House, I don’t think Socks would approve.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Of course the media’s bored. Better to focus on a wedding than the mess in the gulf, WAR deaths in Afghanistan or the recent oceanic studies that show global climate change/warming is real and we’re fucked unless we do something because weddings of kids of important people are what the world really needs to know about… and by world I mean US America.

  5. Ruhe

    Scion of powerful family avoids pre-marital pregnancy, gets exceptional education, marries respectably under normal circumstances. Is this somehow so unusual that it’s interesting? I’m lookin’ at you Sarah.

  6. Numbat Dundee

    “The rapidly growing chasm between the wealthy and the poor” will always be with you. Jesus said that, and Ronald Reagan seconded the motion.
    Chelsea should have married Julian Assange, though. That would have given the media something to puzzle over. Or at least she should have (as a sort of tribute to her Dad) given him a public, ceremonial blow job.

  7. Monsieur Grumpe

    Not bad for the girl who long ago was declared a “dog” by the subhuman gasbag known as Rush.

  8. Limeylizzie

    This reminds me of the wedding of Princess Anne and Mark Phillips in the 70s, the media in UK was going insane as it was the first Royal wedding in eons and my favourite paper, the commie Morning Star, simply had a wee article halfway down the front page stating “Anne Windsor to marry Mark Phillips today”.

  9. Sgt. Biyatch

    I don’t quite understand the Chelsea-worship. She’s never given an interview, she’s never been arrested, she has no sex tape, and no reality show. She’s no Kim Kardashian. She’s not even a Khloe Kardashian. Isn’t that what the US Americans are into these days, such as?

  10. JMP

    I blame Richard Nixon. When Tricia got married during his Presidency, he decided to turn the ceremony into a big media spectacle, modeled after the Brits’ royal weddings. Since then, the media has expected the same for Presidential children, even if the President is out of office (remember the huge fuss over JFK Jr.’s wedding?). Unless that is it’s the child of a president the media doesn’t like and the person’s not conventionally attractive (see Carter, Amy).

  11. weejee

    Chelsea is such a cockeyed optimist getting married during the end of daze according to Tim LaHaye – douche extraodinaire. Although maybe the LaHaye, oldster with a tres gauche comb-over, was talking about his personal end of days in the video with Ken’s post last night. We can only hope.

  12. dex

    all of the superfriends will be there, and chewey will get his fur ironed and han will comb his hair and wear a nicer coat when they get the medals.

  13. Geogre

    Well, Chelsea is getting married, and we have the ghosts of right wing blowhards making fun of her looks to remember…. because they’re still with us and still on television.

    I hear that the oil spill is all taken care of now, because the lead story is that it’s hard to find any oil to skim, and the pelican scrubbers are being turned away when they go to help! This is good, because the television has a Lohan scheduled for next week.

  14. HedonismBot

    You can’t blame the media and the political class for going into a shame spiral at their lack of an invitation to the Wedding of the Century. Their sense of self-worth is defined by the parties they are invited to, or not invited to. It’s like high school all over again.
    And, like in high school, those who don’t go to the big dance will sit at home, eat bonbons and masturbate, using their own tears as lube.
    Having said that, I want to say (seriously) I think Chelsea is very attractive now, with her awkward teenage years behind her and whatnot. Somehow, I don’t think her ego is so fragile that not being invited to the cool kids’ party would ccause it to rater.

  15. V572625694

    Re the alt-text: Uh, Ken, I think Chelsea was named after another song, not by Leonard Cohen. But it is so apropos:

    I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, you were talking so brave and so sweet,
    giving me head on the unmade bed, while the limousines wait in the street.
    Those were the reasons and that was New York, we were running for the money and the flesh.
    And that was called love for the workers in song probably still is for those of them left.

    Ah but you got away, didn’t you babe,
    you just turned your back on the crowd,
    you got away, I never once heard you say,
    “I need you, I don’t need you,
    I need you, I don’t need you,”
    and all of that jiving around.

    I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, you were famous, your heart was a legend.
    You told me again you preferred handsome men but for me you would make an exception.
    And clenching your fist for the ones like us who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
    you fixed yourself, you said, “Well never mind, we are ugly but we have the music.”

    And then you got away, didn’t you babe…

    I don’t mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can’t keep track of each fallen robin.
    I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, that’s all, I don’t even think of you that often.

  16. freakishlystrong

    Didn’t watch the View. I work and comment on Wonkett all day. Did Hassleback, or whatever her stupid, blond name is, ask to see his birf certificate?

  17. weejee

    Since this is the morning post, the wily Wyly brothers from Dallas in the Republic of Tejasmescalito have been charged with, gasp, insider trading to the tune of $550M. The mutha brothas are billionaires, so dontcha get all worried and stuff, ’cause they’ll still have millions to spend on swift boating and “Republicans for Clean Air” and good shit like that. The end.

  18. HedonismBot

    [re=628815]V572625694[/re]: I read once that that song was actually about Janis Joplin.

  19. ManchuCandidate

    [re=628821]weejee[/re]:
    But they’re going to have to focus their energies on saving their asses, er, cutting a deal.

    One of the reasons why the GOPer 527s were crippled in the 2008 election was due to their over reliance on Real Estate and Wall St Moguls who didn’t do so hot in the 2008 economy.

  20. JMP

    [re=628800]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: People have a problem with Obama not knowing who Snooki is because they do know, cannot forger it, and are jealous.

  21. hoosiermama

    Rangel better get that IMPORTANT LEGISLATION through to hire kids for cannon fodder in exotic climes before he leaves, though, that’s all I got to say, and stat. Can’t have shiftless yutes lying around waiting for the ice cream trucks to run them over after they get their English degrees.

  22. V572625694

    [re=628824]HedonismBot[/re]: I heard LC say so in a concert many years ago. In fact he seems to say it every time her performs it, which kind of takes the edge off. Great song, though.

  23. Tim

    [re=628792]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I never got that at all – she is clearly a rather attractive female, if not very.

  24. ManchuCandidate

    [re=628860]weejee[/re]:
    I’m not that eternal an optimist. I really think that the Teabaggers, 527s and the various GOPer affiliates like the Chamber of Commerce are over playing their hand in this election.

    I’d rather not shit my pants over some gimungo amount of cash one side’s supposedly conjured up. They can promote the idea that going back to the W era was the greatest time ever, but it ain’t going to change the view among the general public that Wall St is a pack of shit heads and that anything that THEY want would be good for the public. Marketing can only go so far, otherwise the A-Team Remake would have been a runaway hit instead of the biggest Hollywood Bomb of the summer.

  25. Geogre

    [re=628859]hoosiermama[/re]: His legislation is to stop war.

    The way he figures it, and he’s right, a volunteer military is a military made up of the poor, and that means vastly disproportionate representation by African Americans, hispanics, and American Indians, while the lily white rich kids say, “War? Huh? Right, I saw something about that somewhere. Kickass!” He wants a draft so that white kids feel an equal sting.

  26. just pixels

    [re=628817]freakishlystrong[/re]: You have it backwards. BO went on The View to be sure they’re all in USA legally. He checked their papers. (All OK, even though “Hasselbeck” sounds kinda foreign. Ditto “Whoopi”.)

  27. Geogre

    [re=628875]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Dude, they’re never persuasive. They don’t have to be.

    1. $ means the ability to repeat the message x4 per show on every channel.
    2. The goal is confusion, not persuasion, because they don’t want to win people over: they want to convince people that “they’re all crooks and liars” or “it doesn’t matter what I do” or “I can’t tell what’s right.”

    Paralysis means low turn out, and low turn out means the zaney zealots swing elections.

  28. V572625694

    [re=628878]Geogre[/re]: As one of the last people drafted before conscription ended, I can say with authority that the cynicism of those enjoying involuntary servitude is a beneficial anodyne to the enthusiastic jihadic proclivities of our Professional Military©™.

  29. June Cleaver 2.0

    [re=628840]JMP[/re]: Absolutely! As I smugly had never heard of her either, until John McCain tweeted her and Wonkette told me about the tweet, as I don’t tweet.

  30. JMP

    [re=628878]Geogre[/re]: It’s not just kids; his legislation would go to 42, so it’d hit kids, and young adults, and adults who aren’t young anymore but not old yet, and some of the middle-aged.

  31. bozofish

    Chelsea was named after Joni Mitchell’s Chelsea Morning, written during one of the artist’s few fleeting moments of optimism.

  32. Geogre

    [re=628884]V572625694[/re]: and JMP (don’t know how to do a re: to both):

    I actually think Rangel’s onto something there. He’s doing it to make a point, of course, but when we got rid of the draft, it was supposed to mean that we were going to stop going to war various places. Little did we know that it was going to become the default jobs program and that we were going to keep having wars, regardless.

    It fits with the whole atmosphere, though. Govt like business has followed the same idea: cut the staff in half, scream at people to get the same work done, fire a quarter of them for not meeting the goals, report that you achieved it anyway, and then bid on a new, even bigger contract, with even more temps/mercs in your ranks.

  33. Undeterredbyreality

    Umm…the real “World’s Most Important Wedding”–the one between Levi and Bristol Bay–may be called off because Levi’s ex is preggers.


  34. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=628785]Vulpes82[/re]: It’s true about Socks getting dumped. Betty Currie lived across the street from me in Arlington back then, and the cat was rumored to be often seen sitting in the windows of her house, feeling lonesome and mean.

  35. GOPCrusher

    The first meme to come out was that Obama not knowing who Snooki is, is proof that he’s out of touch with Americans. Next meme was that Obama should not have gone on The View, it wasn’t presidential, he has more important things to be worried about. Both memes distributed within two hours of each other. I swear to God, the Republiklan/Tea Baggers must lie awake nights coming up with stuff to bitch about.

  36. weejee

    [re=628884]V572625694[/re], [re=628914]JMP[/re], and [re=629025]Geogre[/re]: Like V572625694, I too was drafted back in the day, so I do have the experience of opening that envelope and learning that a group of my “friends and neighbors” had selected poor little ol’ me for service in…

    Since I’m not a complete pacifist, too many assholes out there with gunz, foreign & domestic, we are gonna need a military force and a one that is strong, competent, properly equipped, and properly cared for after the damage is done.

    Somewhere in my socialist heart, I support the equality of the draft where the rich kid has to serve as well as the poor kid. In that egalitarian draft it could even go to universal conscription boyz and girlz and include everyone except a very, very small extremely physically/mentally-challenged group. Basically in an 18 to 20 age range – after high school, but before college, apprenticeship, or whatever. You have babies or other dependents, tough shit you get conscripted anyway and we the people will cover the dependents. No draft dodging by getting preggers, being ghey, being in school, being a repubtard, or any other scam.

    Everyone owes the country two years, plain and simple. Iffin’ you want to volunteer to do your two years in the military you get different packages involving pay, bonuses, and maybe education before service. You willing to be an infantry grunt or marine, fine that is putting your young ass on the line and you gets more money and/or education than someone who does their two years tending the counter at a food bank. You want to be an MD or dentist, fine you can do the school up front and have it covered (if you got the SATs etc.) but you owe the military or public health 6 or 8 years after you’ve collected all your parchment. Another plus to an “all will serve” approach is that you can kinda force mixing of kids from rich neighborhoods and kids from the hood, and that can be a good thing for both groups to cut through stereotypes.

    The other part of my heart say that the draft is involuntary servitude and that got axed during the Civil War.

    What to do, what to do. Nuke Iran Wassila?

  37. Accordion-o-rama

    If Chelsea’s looking to economize, she can probably pick up some of Jenna’s unused wedding supplies on the cheap: straw hats, whiskey, red flannel long johns with a back flap, Souee-brand natural condoms, bachelor party goats, that sort of thing.

  38. Beanball

    [re=629362]weejee[/re]: I wanted to post something similiar to this the other night, but it was late and I was too tired and fell asleep at the keyboard.

    Fuck the weenies. Draft everybody.

  39. AuntieStupefaction

    Poor Chelsea, why does she not rate the blingeez? $5 mil should rate moar blingeez. Or is that a repuglitard overestimieziation?

  40. Boonzie

    What a ridiculous waste of money! No matter what the Clintons do or how much they spend on the wedding, Chelsea will still be a homely bride not the fairy tale princess they seem to think she is. B O R I N G!

  41. AuntieStupefaction

    Oh, BTW, is there a reason people think that Hopey the Obamarz understands the references in the jokes his Jawas write for him? He needz moar Sand People if he wants to be taken seriously by the stoopidz.

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