Incorporating 'Tiger Beat.'You know, I originally pitched this weekly column to Tiger Beat, and they obviously jumped at it. But then I realized that the best place in the world for my devotion to Our Pantymelter in Chief was this reactionary liberal blog for overeducated elitist assholes, which is why Wonkette and I are happy to bring you another edition of “Barry Can You Hear Me?”

Squeeeeeeee! After Barackistan’s wham-bam, slam-dunk appearance on The Roundtable of Harridans, watching former NYU professor/current Czar of Videography Arun Chaudhary’s weekly sitcom West Wing Week is almost anticlimactic. I say “almost” because there has never been a time when anyone who watched West Wing Week did not have an orgasm at least once during the viewing — and in my personal experience, this week’s installment is no exception.

Once again the mischievous Arun stiffs us with regard to a few days of Obama’s activity. Usually we learn what Bammerz did last Friday, and then Arun, who is not unlike the trickster-god Coyote, pretends that Saturday and Sunday didn’t happen, and then we hear about Monday. In this instance, West Wing Week doesn’t even start until Monday!

This is of course bullshit, and I have come to believe that the missing days in West Wing Week are when President Handsomepants goes to visit his other family, the secret one that doesn’t know he’s president, the one that just thinks Daddy has a very busy job selling Xerox machines to small businesses up and down the Eastern seaboard. He goes home and kisses his lovely wife, Guadalupe (she’s Mexican!), and ruffles the hair of his handsome twin sons, Cesar and Chavez. They just graduated from high school, C and C did, and “Rufus Smith” can’t wait to hear about his boys’ Freshman Orientation at … at … where did they decide to go again? Oh, George Washington University? Things are about to get complicated in this zany screwball comedy Barry/Rufus calls life!

Even 'Star Trek' was sexier than this.
Mmkayz, this week’s episode is called “The Men in Blue Jumpsuits,” which sounds much gayer than it is. The titular men are spacemen from the NASA, and they show up to, I don’t know, eat Dippin’ Dots? We see a tantalizing flash of these Smurftastic alien men, before Arun takes us right to the best day of the week: MONDAY!

Arun pulls a fun move where he gives a close-up of a screen broadcasting some hot piece of ass behind the podium in the Rose Garden, and then you see that the hot piece of ass has turned around to walk into a door, the camera pans to the actual door near the screen and said hot piece of ass WALKS IN FROM THAT SAME PLACE! This is Brian Mosteller, Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations, just cold breakin’ the fourth wall. Would you like to learn more about him? Then perhaps take a gander at teen investigative journalist Ryan Katz’s investigative report in the Revere High School Lantern! Here is your first “national clip,” Ryan. Enjoy the full scholarship to Medill that surely shall follow at some point.

Then something happened with Obamar and the spacemen, and he thanked them for their courage but it’s like, I find it hard to care about anything other than the fact that Barack’s suit looks beautifully tailored. That is some Savile Row shit right there. Perhaps David Cameron brought it with him as a gift when he rode his magical flying polo pony o’er the Pond to visit his Colonies recently?

Next, Barry commemorated the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act, and we got another delicious shot of Brian Mosteller-Benincasa looking on anxiously as Barry marched out the door. And then Barry signed a thing that says, “Yes, we government people will hire more of the disableds.” And all that was just on Monday! Only patriotism, coffee, and the residual blow left in the president’s system from the ’80s keep him going.

On Tuesday, an Oompa-Loompa got past security using his typical magical wiles, and thus did Barry end up shaking the hand of John Boehner on camera. It’s a disgusting task, but sometimes presidents must do dirty things, with orange humans. Pelosi was there too, lookin’ fresh as a daisy and foxy as Helen Mirren, and they all talked about bipartisanship or something else John Boehner hates.

Then it was time to welcome the World Softball Champions, a group of mostly blond Aryans from Georgia. Curiously, Elena Kagan did not also come to greet them. Obama has lost faith in his latest SCOTUS pick. Also, it is nice that he makes time to greet female athletes, this is good for persons with vaginas who enjoy hitting or bouncing things. I am not one of them, but I was on the 1994 National Baton Twirling Association World Championship Baton and Dance Team (this is true!), so fuck off.

On Wednesday, he went to my native homeland of New Jersey to greet disturbingly corpulent Governor Chris Christie. He left Michelle at home because her bigotry against shitty eating would have prompted a war, a war that she and her very sexy arms undoubtedly would have won. He also said hey to Newark’s own dreamweaver, Mayor Cory Booker, who (FULL DISCLOSURE!) once sent me a private message on Twitter to say thank you when I wished him luck on Election Day. Therefore, the ethics of journalismitisticality demand that I recuse myself from further comment on Mayor Booker, other than to say that he fucking rocks and is Newark’s best hope in decades and thank God that asshole Sharpe James is no longer in charge. Seeing Booker shake Obama’s hand was like watching a Handsome-Off, which is a competition held only when two extreme hotties get together.

Then Obama visited Tastee Sub Shop, while Christie paced outside, snarling and gnashing his teeth. Mayor Booker just went and opened a playground while looking handsome. Then Barack went to The View where the perimenopausal housewives in the audience went fucking nuts for his shit.

On Thursday, I guess he talked about education? Whatevs. The point is that even with his shortcomings and his administration’s fuck-ups, it is such a goddamned relief to have a smart, capable person in charge of the White House that I find myself returning to my default state of abject and total devotion. I spent a week doing comedy in Oslo in June and it was exciting to be in The Europes and not be embarrassed to mention the name of the CEO of Los Estados Unidos. It is a fact that the Norwegians are gay for Obama, and so am I, in a heterosexual fashion.

Have a fabulous weekend, you latent homosexuals. I am to commence writing a book about panic attacks (yet another true thing!) and, probably, eat unnecessary amounts of pasta whilst chained to my desk and computational machine. See you next week, when I will be fatter than Chris Christie and twice as hateful toward teachers’ unions (I used to be a high school teacher! Final true thing of the week!) Fare thee well, Communists!

Sara Benincasa will be the last participant in NASA’s “Teachers In Space” thing on the Space Shuttle next month. Look to the sky, cretins!

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  1. I so love your columns even though you call me an overeducated elitist asshole (thanks for repeating it, Neilist, so I didn’t have to scroll up!). And I feel the same way about Bammerz!

    Yay, teachers in space! We have too many on earth.

  2. Written like a true Islamo-Facist, Communist, Socialist, Lesbian, Nymphomaniac, Satanic, Atheistic, Left-Wing, Homosexual, (redundant, I know, I’m just fixated on the Gay) LIBERAL! Just wanted to beat Newt and Glenn to the punch.

  3. Now as a straight man I may be the best person to comment, but several of the NASA guys in that picture look like they’re working hard to eliminate the stereotype that all astronauts are handsome and desirable.

  4. Sara,

    Regarding your NASA alt-text: Sure, TOS was sexier, but that is unfair, as it was sexier than even the Clinton White House. However, I’m pretty sure that NASA is sexier than STNG, and definitely a lot sexier than Enterprise.

    Let the Star Trek flame war begin!

  5. Sara, you can have as many of my xanax as you want, just keep writing this column. (Just checked: I only have two left, which gives me a panic attack, so, okay, just one left, but you can have it and um, take it orally)

  6. Space Shuttle Teacher program? Excuse me, imperialist yankee dog sexy mama, but don’t you mean Soyuz Teacher Program?

    NASA can’t so much as take a dump anymore without the Russian’s help.

  7. Damn, those guys are astronauts? I assumed they were fake phone repairmen, and I was trying to find James O’Keefe. And wait a minute — Scott Hamilton’s not an astronaut, dammit — what the hell’s going on here?

  8. You are ridiculously funny and also clearly insane (though in the best possible way). I am glad, SO glad, that “this reactionary liberal blog for overeducated elitist assholes” won out over Tiger Beat.

    Also, I have to say it:

    “The titular men are spacemen from the NASA”

    Hee hee, you said “tit”.

  9. Two things, fair Sara:

    ONE: Your skort-soaking sexytime daydreamy diddlings about Mr. Mosteller are about to get a whole lot furry-er.

    (Fourth True Thing of the Week: That’s him hoppin’ & lockin’ on the right!)

    TWO: Being that you were a school teacher, I would caution against boarding that spaceship next week. “Woman + Curriculum + Rocket = National Tragedy”, and you just know who’d get blamed for that shit. Plus, we’d all really miss you.

    (Unless part of you landed in our yard — that would actually be kinda cool!)

  10. [re=629338]JMP[/re]: Yeah, it’s really fucking weird to see the Blue Man Group without their makeup.

    I feel like a KISS fan circa 1983.

  11. Sara, thanks for recognizing us for who we are. And I happily enjoy being an over educated, elitist asshole, who writes stupid comments on the inferiority of republican politicians.

  12. Cory Booker’s going to be speaking at my institution of higher learning, and the ladies on the committee arranging everything are not even being coy about their dreams of sexing him. I would chide them, but I am too busy yelling I will cut all you bitches if I’m not seated at his table for the motherfucking reception!!

    I just want to see if he smells like the future, is that too much to ask?

  13. [re=629346]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:
    No one could argue with that order of sexiness.
    Does anyone else see a Ferengi face when they scroll past the beefcake-checking-for-rash ad on the left?

  14. “On Tuesday, an Oompa-Loompa got past security using his typical magical wiles, and thus did Barry end up shaking the hand of John Boehner on camera.”

    Oh the LULZ. Good thing that I’m so overeducated that the only job I can get is as a part-time community college professor that pays less than McDonalds. Otherwise I might be too busy to read such hilarious things.

  15. Her Royal Hotlibchickness Sara…you are just as charming & witty as when you starred on Sex and the City.
    Luv to Luv Ya Baby,
    Mr. Big (wink-wink)

  16. [re=629433]Sara Benincasa[/re]: You mean the one I painted of Tupperware-and-tweezer-clutching Wonketteers squinting expectantly at the heavens?

    Any time, “Mrs. Bunnicasa”!

  17. “I was on the 1994 National Baton Twirling Association World Championship Baton and Dance Team (this is true!), so fuck off.”
    I am devastated by this revelation. I became foolishly enamored of Sara because of her sexy pictures and her penchant for putting end punctuation inside of quotation marks(except for semi-colons). But the virtues of proper punctuation and pretty pictures cannot obviate the deficiency of being so old!
    Wake up Amerika! Why won’t Sara accept invitations to visit AZ? When will Sara produce her birth certificate?

  18. No mention of Barry just stone dragging the strip in an electric car? Now that was teh sexxay!

    Barry himself runs on coffee and Nicorette ™.

    baton twirling is DANGEROUS, man, much more so than dancing alone.

  19. It is late and I’m having champagne. I now firmly believe I have too much funny juice in my system to read this.

    Good night and good morning.

  20. This is getting ridiculous. All male Wonkette contributors (even you, Waggaman; you have the perfect name for it) must change their avatar thingies to photos of the tips of their pee-pees just *barely* poking out of their tight, tight dolphin running shorts.

    You leches will BEG for the Rubicon ad to come back after spending 10 minutes of a desperately hungover Monday morning at those… whatevers.

  21. And we all know that Arun Chadhaury is a pseudonym that M. Night Shayamalan uses to get us hooked with his backward masking and subliminal messaging. A frame by frame examination of “West Wing Week” shows images of all sorts of evil. Boy Scout meetings, Census workers, A reasonable and quick exit from Afghanistan, all to put fear in our hearts, one frame at a time. And speaking of imagery, I start to notice Benincasa is bracing that damn Sony HD Handycam upon her right breast, thus causing everyone to have myopia. Thanks Sara, now I have to Lasik.

  22. As soon as I figure out more than 10% of what ever the hell you are saying in whatever language you speak I will then move on to figuring out if it is funny or not.

  23. [re=629802]mustardman[/re]: Sara obviously wrote the script for “Inception.” Nolan just stole the words from her masterpieces here on the Wonkette and changed the titling . So many things; wonderful, magical and frightening, packed into such a small, 140 minute space.

  24. Now why am I not surprised that our delightfully pneumatic hostess was a twirler?

    We went more for impossibly long legs in the majorette ranks on our squads, but even so, Our American Neurosis could not have been more telling in that while these lovelies did their thing (while hardening ours), a future Miss America was playing clarinet in the pep band because she didn’t have the physical accouterments to make the twirler cut.

    Further proof that natural is best.

  25. Dear Wonkette Overlords,
    The Wonket Menz are all getting shitfaced on Miss Sara. Plz find us wimmens a male-equivalent of Sara. We demand equal time. Or a lesbean hottie. Must be funnee. Is Rachel Maddow available to do a weekly alt-text column for us?
    Thank you, Ms Quasimodo

  26. “Yay, teachers in space! We have too many on earth.”

    Yup, you can plaster their asses all over the sky, like Christa McCauliff, but then, we just need more teachers. Blow em up, raise em up, blow em up… etc. How do we get to an equilibrium, without NASA’a excessive costs?

  27. [re=629994]MsQuasimodo[/re]: “The Wonket Menz…” You know, aside from Ms. Benincasa and Lauri Apple, all the rest of the writers have boy parts (I think?). So, there you go. Enjoy.

    Besides, some of us don’t get all worked up over Sara but find her quite an hi-larious person. I just don’t find chicks that look like David Gergen attractive.

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