ACTION ALERT! You may not be aware that there are products and services you are supposed to be boycotting right now, so your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is here to save the day! Things used to be much simpler, back when the American Family Association was boycotting McDonald’s for their excessive gayness, by leaving hilarious comments on the internet about how their Real ‘Murkan families didn’t NEED no Big Macs, and could just suck their trans fats through a straw, like Jesus taught them in the Bible. However, this summer, things are Complicated, because everybody is boycotting everything, due to Too Many Gays, Not Enough Gays, Gays in France, Lesbian Carpenters, Gays on Skates, and of course, Messicans. So, let’s see if we can help everybody out with a handy guide!
Gays in France/Not Enough French Gays in ‘Murka: This one is about a silly French McDonald’s ad that’s been going around, where a twinky French kid in an all-boys school smiles knowingly at his Oblivious Father, because he knows that he is secretly dating the majority of the futbol team at school, or something. McDonald’s, appallingly, is okay with this! They go so far as to suggest that this little strumpet boy is welcome to purchase a Big Mac in France and enjoy it with his father! This has inspired a one-man boycott by Peter LaBarbera, whose SPLC-certified hate website was once dubbed the “Gayest Website Ever” by your Wonkette. If you are as disgusted as Peter is, you should get to your nearest McDonald’s and shout, loudly, “I will not have any of your molten lava apple pies today, due to gays in France!” That’ll show ’em! Here is Peter talking about his boycott on Midweek Politics with David Pakman, hosted by David “Meeee-ow” Pakman. (Start two minutes in, please.)
Now, that’s all well and good, but some of the homosexuals have also been mad at McDonald’s, for the very same ad! They claim that McDonald’s is being horrible and hateful for not showing the ad in America. So some of them are not eating McFlurries or whatever the hell it is that gays like, at the McDonald’s. If you agree with that sentiment, please go to the nearest house of Ronald, preferably in Alabama, and shout, “Get your McFlurries away from me until you prove you love America’s Pastime, which is mutually pleasurable same-sex frottage.”
Lesbians and Their Toolbelts, Interior Decorators and their “Fixtures”: Being mad at The Home Depot is what the American Family Association is doing these days. Their boycott of McDonald’s was “successful,” by which we mean “a hilarious failure,” and so they’ve moved on to the awful, terrible fact that The Home Depot is so gay that they have floats in gay pride parades and stuff. The wingnuts are running around saying things like “ACE IS THE PLACE,” which is adorable. So far, The Home Depot has responded to this one with less than a “Meh, whatever,” most likely due to the fact that the aforementioned lesbians and interior decorators are probably much more important, as customers, than Heterosexual Christian Men building intelligent design classrooms and purity chambers for their Stepford families. But if that describes you, the AFA has your marching orders right here.
Tom Emmer Is Mean to Gays in Minnesota: Best Buy and Target are the alleged Bad Guys here, because they gave money to this awful toad of a gubernatorial candidate, Tom Emmer, who really sort of hates gay people (and waiters, apparently, but I repeat myself) in an over-the-top way. Abe Sauer at The Awl has been doing the Real Reporting on this, so there is little to add, except that it is less of a “boycott” and more of a “watch where you spend your money” thing. One enterprising lady decided to go buy a bunch of stuff at the Target, only to melodramatically return it on video, in honor of The Gays She Loves! Single tear, for the heartwarming homo-lover. The Human Rights Campaign, for their part, don’t seem all that interested in the sins of the Target and the Best Buy, and because they are our homosexual masters, we don’t actually have to boycott these places if we don’t want to, so thank the Jesus for that! They are, instead, requesting that the stores “Make It Right” by giving some money to people who do not hate gays. Really, though, this Tom Emmer is an anti-gay asshole, so Target and Best Buy probably should try to avoid candidates like that in the future? JUST A THOUGHT.
Lady Gaga Refuses to Stand Up for Messicans: Apparently Lady Gaga went ahead and did her show in Arizona, even though she was specifically instructed by the gay bitches-that-be (who are all a-prance about this) that pop stars are supposed to be boycotting Arizona, due to the way their nasty, malcontent governor has been treating the Messicans, as of late. Instead of boycotting, she decided to use her platform to encourage her gay fans to protest the new immigration law:
We have to be active. We have to actively protest. . . . I will not cancel my show. I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will protest this state.
Said Lady Gaga. So they are going to hold on to each others’ “little monsters” in protest, because that is how much those gays in Arizona hate the new law.
It is good that Lady Gaga did something at least, because her cries of “Don’t call my name, don’t call my name” are going to be fairly moot if Jan Brewer shows up at Alejandro, Fernando, and Roberto’s house (they are roommates) and says “papers, please.” If you are a homosexual who feels solidarity with immigrants (and why wouldn’t you be?), please grab your favorite Little Monster (can be your own) and show it to Jan Brewer, for the Mexicans.
I think that’s enough for now. Hopefully we did not miss any boycotts, but if there are other places that hate/love gays/Jesus/Messicans too much/too little, and are deserving of a bunch of grumpypants bitching, moaning, and moralizing, please, let us know! Or come up with your own!
Really, this wasn’t an “action alert” at all, was it?
Your homosexual reporter is sorry he was so late with his piece this time around, but did you really expect punctuality from a gay?