THE HOMOSEXUALS ARE COMING!ACTION ALERT! You may not be aware that there are products and services you are supposed to be boycotting right now, so your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is here to save the day! Things used to be much simpler, back when the American Family Association was boycotting McDonald’s for their excessive gayness, by leaving hilarious comments on the internet about how their Real ‘Murkan families didn’t NEED no Big Macs, and could just suck their trans fats through a straw, like Jesus taught them in the Bible. However, this summer, things are Complicated, because everybody is boycotting everything, due to Too Many Gays, Not Enough Gays, Gays in France, Lesbian Carpenters, Gays on Skates, and of course, Messicans. So, let’s see if we can help everybody out with a handy guide!

Gays in France/Not Enough French Gays in ‘Murka: This one is about a silly French McDonald’s ad that’s been going around, where a twinky French kid in an all-boys school smiles knowingly at his Oblivious Father, because he knows that he is secretly dating the majority of the futbol team at school, or something. McDonald’s, appallingly, is okay with this! They go so far as to suggest that this little strumpet boy is welcome to purchase a Big Mac in France and enjoy it with his father! This has inspired a one-man boycott by Peter LaBarbera, whose SPLC-certified hate website was once dubbed the “Gayest Website Ever” by your Wonkette. If you are as disgusted as Peter is, you should get to your nearest McDonald’s and shout, loudly, “I will not have any of your molten lava apple pies today, due to gays in France!” That’ll show ’em! Here is Peter talking about his boycott on Midweek Politics with David Pakman, hosted by David “Meeee-ow” Pakman. (Start two minutes in, please.)

Now, that’s all well and good, but some of the homosexuals have also been mad at McDonald’s, for the very same ad! They claim that McDonald’s is being horrible and hateful for not showing the ad in America. So some of them are not eating McFlurries or whatever the hell it is that gays like, at the McDonald’s. If you agree with that sentiment, please go to the nearest house of Ronald, preferably in Alabama, and shout, “Get your McFlurries away from me until you prove you love America’s Pastime, which is mutually pleasurable same-sex frottage.

Lesbians and Their Toolbelts, Interior Decorators and their “Fixtures”: Being mad at The Home Depot is what the American Family Association is doing these days. Their boycott of McDonald’s was “successful,” by which we mean “a hilarious failure,” and so they’ve moved on to the awful, terrible fact that The Home Depot is so gay that they have floats in gay pride parades and stuff. The wingnuts are running around saying things like “ACE IS THE PLACE,” which is adorable. So far, The Home Depot has responded to this one with less than a “Meh, whatever,” most likely due to the fact that the aforementioned lesbians and interior decorators are probably much more important, as customers, than Heterosexual Christian Men building intelligent design classrooms and purity chambers for their Stepford families. But if that describes you, the AFA has your marching orders right here.

Tom Emmer Is Mean to Gays in Minnesota: Best Buy and Target are the alleged Bad Guys here, because they gave money to this awful toad of a gubernatorial candidate, Tom Emmer, who really sort of hates gay people (and waiters, apparently, but I repeat myself) in an over-the-top way. Abe Sauer at The Awl has been doing the Real Reporting on this, so there is little to add, except that it is less of a “boycott” and more of a “watch where you spend your money” thing. One enterprising lady decided to go buy a bunch of stuff at the Target, only to melodramatically return it on video, in honor of The Gays She Loves! Single tear, for the heartwarming homo-lover. The Human Rights Campaign, for their part, don’t seem all that interested in the sins of the Target and the Best Buy, and because they are our homosexual masters, we don’t actually have to boycott these places if we don’t want to, so thank the Jesus for that! They are, instead, requesting that the stores “Make It Right” by giving some money to people who do not hate gays. Really, though, this Tom Emmer is an anti-gay asshole, so Target and Best Buy probably should try to avoid candidates like that in the future? JUST A THOUGHT.

Lady Gaga Refuses to Stand Up for Messicans: Apparently Lady Gaga went ahead and did her show in Arizona, even though she was specifically instructed by the gay bitches-that-be (who are all a-prance about this) that pop stars are supposed to be boycotting Arizona, due to the way their nasty, malcontent governor has been treating the Messicans, as of late. Instead of boycotting, she decided to use her platform to encourage her gay fans to protest the new immigration law:

We have to be active. We have to actively protest. . . . I will not cancel my show. I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will protest this state.

Said Lady Gaga. So they are going to hold on to each others’ “little monsters” in protest, because that is how much those gays in Arizona hate the new law.

It is good that Lady Gaga did something at least, because her cries of “Don’t call my name, don’t call my name” are going to be fairly moot if Jan Brewer shows up at Alejandro, Fernando, and Roberto’s house (they are roommates) and says “papers, please.” If you are a homosexual who feels solidarity with immigrants (and why wouldn’t you be?), please grab your favorite Little Monster (can be your own) and show it to Jan Brewer, for the Mexicans.

I think that’s enough for now. Hopefully we did not miss any boycotts, but if there are other places that hate/love gays/Jesus/Messicans too much/too little, and are deserving of a bunch of grumpypants bitching, moaning, and moralizing, please, let us know! Or come up with your own!

Really, this wasn’t an “action alert” at all, was it?

Your homosexual reporter is sorry he was so late with his piece this time around, but did you really expect punctuality from a gay?

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  1. Molly Ivins used to say more Texas gays & lesbians would come out but they were afraid people would think they were Democrats!

    This November I expect to see all LGBTs, cannabis activists, and unemployeds at the polls to show the crazees we won’t go away!

  2. Same crap we usually get from these people. “We don’t hate gays, just the lifestyle they’ve chosen.”

    Oh, no. There’s plenty of hate out there to go around.

  3. a twinky French kid in an all-boys school smiles knowingly … because he knows that he is secretly dating the majority of the futbol team at school

    Why what a co-incidence! I have seen several films from France with exactly that plotline! Well, perhaps dating isn’t the right word, but it is in the ballpark. And sometimes they are about French Boy scouts and various members of the armed services and police department, but the scenes play out much the same…

  4. Sarah Palin says Jan Brewer has Obama’s cojones. This is confusing my gender recognition software. Does that make Obama a cojone-free eunuch? Or is Jan Brewer a cross-dresser? And what’s with Sarah Palin’s speaking Spanish (“cojones”) — is she an anchor baby in disguise?

  5. I think it’s best to be safe and just boycott everything. As I’m unemployed, this is fairly easy for me to do as I can’t afford anything.

  6. Doesn’t Peter LaBarbera realize that the Kinsey Scale is not so much a bar scale, but more like a snake eating its tail, and that he’s at the very tipping point of the arc of becoming Dame Peterina LaBarbra?

    Also, side point, but I doubt I could ever completely boycott McDonald’s, thanks to their faultlessly convenient roadside McToilet facilities.

  7. Actually, it makes sense that Lady(?) GaGa went to AZ, since her song about fucking latin men accompanies a crazy video fetishizing Nazis.

  8. I DID expect punctuality from the gay! In the roaring 80s all gays were born with Swatches!

    My thoughts:

    I’m not sure if any gay French dude has ever been in a “MacDo,” so meme chose, or c’est egal, or La w/e.

    Lady Gaga is to Gay what Obama is to Murka.

    And don’t ever write “lesbians” and “toolbelts” in the same sentence again, I’m so engorged right now I can’t even see the screen.

    Personally, I avoid all this boycotting by buying all my clothing from WonketteMart.

  9. National Organization of Marriage held a rally in Des Moines yesterday, claiming that thousands of Iowans are against same sex marriage. 50 people showed up.

  10. I have boycotted Best Buy for years, mostly because of the loud ass rap metal whatsists they constantly play and the hyperactive teenagers running around trying to aggressively out-shoplift each other.

  11. Remember when you’d be urged to boycott some company because they discriminated against you because you belonged to a particular group? Now the teabaggers/freepers are trying to boycott Home Depot because HD isn’t treating gays like subhumans. Maybe they feel personally persecuted because nobody’s acknowledging their innate superiority? The poor bastards — every time one human doesn’t spit on another human, it’s another nail in their palms.

  12. [re=630299]Tommmcatt[/re]: (sigh . shudder) the word ‘dating’ can cover such a vast territory in such an *overly delicate way* . i myself have been ‘dated’ so many times in one night that i ran out of digits to count ’em on …..

  13. The Target thing is pretty heavy. This is a Citizens United hellscape forecast. A “liberal” company in a “liberal” state gives money, and I mean a lot of it, to a Tea Party nutbag and then, separately, to a “Club” for growth sort of PAC?

    Yeah, Target lost its grave over the e. No more Tarzhay. Now just target, the K-mart in red.

    I kind of think this is more than a homo alarm.

  14. Anyone who seriously looks to Lady Gaga for guidance in political matters should be stomped in the face with a pair of sparkly Armadillo shoes.

  15. As someone said in another comment, Le Sigh. It’s getting so it’s not safe to hate in Merika anymore. When will the gays stop discriminating against the haters? Hmmm? These gays, always with the obnoxious “live and let live” attitude. Now they want kids to stop hating themselves and killing themselves at a tender age. Jesus Christ, where will it end? The gays will not be satisfied until there’s full equality. That’s not what Merika stands for, goddammit.

    Don’t let the fact that Amazon’s prices are much better than Best Buy fool you either. You never know where that invisible hand has been.

  16. Hey, those fundies should be boycotting the intertubes while they’re at it, too.

    Why? The father of software engineering, Alan Turing, was as gay as he was brilliant. Besides cracking German codes, he wrote this little thing about how software should be formulated which is still used today.

  17. if I were a reformed ghey, I’d be pretty pissed off if my spokesman for FAG (Former American Gay) was a goober named Peter LaBarbara…..come on, man!

  18. Being mad at Home Despot because they have floats in Ghey parades is stupid. Aren’t all parades Ghey? The Rose bowl parade, the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade, et al… Super ghey! If the criteria for boycotting a business is overt sponsoring of the Ghey, then wouldn’t it make sense to start boycotting churches? A bunch of men dressed in skirts stuffing symbolic flesh into other men’s mouths is a Ghey as it gets.

  19. I hope they are also boycotting their King James bible, cause we all know King James I was queerer than a three dollar bill.

  20. For such a small percentage of the population (10% is the most outside ballpark figure, as it were), these screaming nutjobs sure do have their panties in a twist over teh gheys. Protesting way too much Kweenly Kloset Kases!

    [re=630369]Cicada[/re]: Gaga’s barely old enough to drink and has spent most of her life in rehearsals. Sorry to be ageist but she’s a kid playing dress up. Nothing wrong w/ that but not exactly overall political expert/editor for Foreign Affairs…She shoulda been straight forward and just said she didn’t want to break her contract. Gaga should restrict her political comments to things she’s actually looked into like supporting gay rights.

    Or maybe she *did* learn from her mentor Madonna: Remember when she briefly mumbled some support for discriminated Gypsies/Roma? They screamed on her yoga ass (and now Sarkozy is going old school and harrassing them). Note to Gaga: Don’t support the coloreds in your region!

  21. Jesus, that’s a great McDonald’s ad. It makes me want to move to France, except I hear that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of French people there.

  22. [re=630396]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Meh. Stinky Jimmy 1 was mostly gay. The problem is that there is no such thing as “homosexual” before the 19th century. Men of the 17th century might be with men by preference and women by duty or sometimes with men and mainly with women, or never with men, or only with men. James seems to have preferred men. His son, Charles I, seems to have preferred women, but he kept the gay favorites. So, is he “gay?” Again, the idea of a lifelong, consistent, closed choice wasn’t really part of the mental landscape.

    James I did many other nasty things, though. He liked to go out riding, but he didn’t like stopping for bathroom breaks. (For the KJV, Simon Winchester’s God’s Secretaries is pretty good.)

  23. These people are very driven and motivated. I wish they’d put all that energy and passion into something productive, rather than something intended to stop other people being happy.

  24. [re=630457]What the Holy Heck[/re]: now that would be doing something jesus said they should do…but they really circle the other verses to prove their superiority…boy are they gonna be surprised when they get the talking too.

  25. [re=630302]just pixels[/re]: “gender recognition software.” Is that packaged with Windows CE? Or the more nancy Snow Leopard?

    In my day, we called it “gaydar,” when dinosaurs roamed the earth and CPUs took up an entire room.

  26. In an amazing coincidence, I stopped for a drive-thru McDick ‘shroom and swiss anus burger on my way back from visiting my kids today. It was, as ever, yummy. There were no French people in evidence (probably because it was in Oakdale, CA, USA, USA, USA). Messicans, yes (see, Oakdale, CA, fast-food joint). Teh ghey — stealthed as usual.

    But seriously, if these fools expect me to boycott the mushroom & swiss burger, they can fuck off.

  27. [re=630335]Gorillionaire[/re]: I boycott Best Buy because their sales people don’t know anything about the products. If I know more about computers than some youngster selling one, that’s really pathetic.

  28. Best double-entendre-packed quote from the Freeper thread on “Homo Depot”:

    “I still have local hardware stores in my neighborhood. People think I’m crazy that I buy stuff from them vs. Home Depot, Lowes and the other big chains. But I have found things there that I can’t get at the chain stores. For example, my furnace requires an odd-size filter. Lowes and Home Depot don’t have it, but the hardware store down the street does. And I also received some excellent advice on paint and how to use certain things. Good for someone who is all thumbs like me when it comes to home improvement and maintenace.”

  29. The point here is that the game has changed. Target, Best Buy and other corporations used to just make their donations via PACS, which allowed them to support causes without attention. Since, however, the Supreme Court ruled that corporate donations were bound by the same rules as individual corporations, that comfort of plausible denial (“we provided money to XX PAC, as we have done for 30+ years. While we don’t agree with every position of every candidate [PAC name) endorses, we do however believe in cultivating a business-friendly environment…”) is now gone. And every donation is now public and open to public scrutiny. For a company like Target, who has gone out of its way to target GLBT consumers, this donation transparency led to action. Bet Target is wishing for return to pre-SC ruling. Much easier to duck and cover then.

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