then bet it all on black guy

Congress To Maybe Legalize Online Gambling For Your Uncle Ron

This painting makes us feel stabby for some reason.Congress likes to spend money. But sometimes they also think, “Wait, do we have any money?” And then they come up with an idea to make themselves a cool $20 or so, and then they get back to spending lots of money. We are witness to one such idea right now. Though they banned it just four years ago, the House Financial Services Committee let a bill go forward yesterday that would legalize online poker and other betting that is not on sports so that it can be taxed. And now, because of this vice, our children will be saved from debt forever.

Banks and credit unions like this! Casinos and Indian tribes don’t! Surprising!

Representative Barney Frank, the Massachusetts Democrat who leads the Financial Services Committee, has been the legislation’s champion.

“Some adults will spend their money foolishly, but it is not the purpose of the federal government to prevent them legally from doing it,” Mr. Frank said.

It is just supposed to rescue them after they do it.

The committee’s top Republican, Representative Spencer Bachus of Alabama, noting the passage of far-reaching changes in financial regulation this month, said that “after all the talk last year about shutting down casinos on Wall Street,” he was incredulous that members would vote to “open casinos in every home and every bedroom and every dorm room, and on every iPhone, every BlackBerry, every laptop.”

Just talking about it is fun. A casino in your bathroom! A casino in your furnace! A casino in your ass!

But why does Bacchus oppose this? For thousands of years, he has supported wine-drinking and merry-making and carnivals and pleasure. This is the issue for which he decides to throw away his legacy? Sounds like our favorite Roman god is in the pocket of the big casinos.

Oh, and about that “paying down the deficit” thing?

Representative Brad Sherman, Democrat of California, said in an interview that the money was an attractive source of financing for other programs. “We will not pass an Internet gaming bill,” Mr. Sherman predicted. “We will pass a bill to do something very important, funded by Internet gaming.”

Haha, yeah, it’s not going to go towards paying down the deficit. It’s going to be used to pay for part of something new on which Congress wants to spend money. Perhaps on giving all Americans 100 free chips? Hmm? HMMMMMM? [NYT]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hola wonkerados.

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22 comments

  1. Ruhe

    With degenerate online poker players providing a boost to our military budget the North Koreans will know they are totally screwed.

  2. memzilla

    BTW to Jack Steuf: your writing is a worthy replacement of that from a certain ginger-y Wonkette alumnus. BTW to Ken Layne: another good hiring decision. How much longer do you think you can pay these people in Olive Garden coupons and Sam’s Club discount cards? :-)

  3. AnnieGetYourFun

    Representative Spencer Bachus of Alabama was trying to list all of the places that he loves to watch his girly-boy porn. “Let’s see, casinos in every home and every bedroom and every dorm room, and on every iPhone, every BlackBerry, every laptop, in every lap, between my old flabby legs, casinos… lithe, young, brown casinos…”

    I don’t know anything about Bachus, other than that he is a Republican, so I feel like this is a plausible idea.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    [re=628223]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You don’t pay a commission to a broker, and you know what your money’s being gambled on.

  5. Geogre

    Indeed, this bad juju.

    See, there was a time, before all the college students were incapable of thought due to Facebook, when they were incapable of thought because they were online gambling from their dorm rooms and telling each other stories about “some dude.” Some Dude dropped out and won millions. Some Dude was at MIT and became a professional gambler. Some Dude is even now making a fortune doing this.

    You know who really loved this stuff, aside from GoldenCasino.com and their malware? Visa, baby.

    If they’re going to legalize some college student wastrel pastime, I’d prefer they legalized pot and drunk driving, but with heavy taxes and licensing fees.

  6. Serolf Divad

    I can’t wait for the day that all government services are finances by gambling addicts, drug addicts, alcoholics, pedophiles, country music fans.

  7. SeattleJoe

    And gambling online is an inefficent method for bringing down the world-wide financial system.

    In addition I would like to cast my vote for sharply increased deficit spending during a period of extreme unemployment, underinvestment, and in which a deflationary spiral is probable.

  8. sezme

    [re=628235]Geogre[/re]: Absolutely the government should be encouraging its citizens to fantasize about getting rich through luck rather than through “hard work.” This is the American Dream (2010 edition) and you know, it just seems so much more possible to get lucky than to be rewarded through merit.

  9. JMP

    I don’t know why Congress would consider this when their original online gambling ban worked so well, considering how the internet is worldwide and no one can access anything illegal, like say copyright violating copies of music, movies and TV shows, online.

  10. GOPCrusher

    So now the Party of Personal Responsibility, that for the last year and a half have screamed on a daily basis that people know how to spend their own money better than the government, are now suddenly concerned that the government may make it easier for degenerates to gamble their monies away?
    The hypocrisy, it burns.

  11. Geogre

    [re=628245]sezme[/re]: Some Dude won the lottery, you know! He was on TV in his overalls, and he drove a crappy car, and he said he was going to get new teeth. If he can win it, I know I can!

    Some Other Dude was on the Superbowl of Poker, and he was younger than me and had, like, $1,000,000 in chips!

    If there is a Wonkette contributor who hasn’t had to stand in line for a long time due to a whole posse of people buying scratch-off tickets and thereby financing “education” (in my state, 70% of the revenue actually goes to the advertising budget…hooray!), with those who most need it. Hooray! It’s “fair,” you know — unlike income tax, which is “slavery.”

  12. JMP

    [re=628340]Geogre[/re]: Your state doesn’t have separate lines for people throwing their money away? The crowds can be annoying, but I am glad not to have to wait behind all those people.

    PA is a bit different from most states, though; while most others use the money on schools, ours goes to help the olds.

  13. assistant/atlas

    Okay, that’s it, Barney Frank is officially the greatest Congressman of all time. Sorry, Dr. Congressman Ron Paul.

  14. Surfeit O'Hubris

    [re=628322]Prommie[/re]: Alea iacta est – But you can still place bets on the craps tables!

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