Facebook Elections

Win Lunch (Probably PB & J and Celery Sticks) With Rand Paul

Tell the server that you only want water with your meal.Farmer-taunting U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul has a new scheme to make himself look popular and beloved by the American nation: a “friend bomb” campaign on Facebook. “The goal is to have over 100,000 fans who ‘Like’ Rand’s Page,” says the page itself. It’s good to have goals! And your goal in all this? To win the grand prize: Lunch with the Paulster himself, in Kentucky. But how?

All you have to do “to become eligible” for the lunch is to be one of the top five people to recruit others to “like” Dr. Paul Junior’s Facebook on August 1, the Official Rand Paul Friend Bomb Day. But here’s the thing: August 1 is a Sunday, which is also THE LORD’S DAY. God might get really upset with you about this. You’ve been warned.

Oh, and one other thing: It’s going to be hard work, because all the people in America who like Rand Paul have probably joined his fan page already. But if you’re willing to hustle and risk ruining your relationship with the Creator, here’s the posted instructions:

Take a screenshot of the Rand Paul page (http://www.facebook.com/RandPaul2010) with the area “Friends Like This” visible on August 1st (see below for instructions on how to take a screenshot). Then take another screenshot at the end of the day to show how many friends you’ve recruited. Submit your screenshots in a single email with the total number of fans you’ve successfully recruited in the subject to RandFan@randpaul2010.com. Provide your contact details and we’ll let you know who won. Submissions must be sent in by 12:00 noon CDT on August 2nd. We know there are plenty of ways to game this contest, but we hope you enjoy spreading Rand’s message to your friends and in the spirit of competition we trust you’ll play fair. To be fair, we won’t consider any doctored submissions. Have fun!

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You see that? PLAY NICE. It’s the least you could do for God and his Libertarianism, given how you’re going to neglect Him on His day just for the chance to have an eye doctor take you out for lunch. Yeah OK, but the lunch is free, right? It’s not clear! You might have to pay your way. Or the meal might be “free” until Paul says that he’s “forgotten” his wallet full of silver coins and gold doubloons at home, and makes you “spot” until the “next time.” We all know that “next time” never comes in such situations, with the politicos.

Where do you think Paul will take his favorite Friend Bomber(s) for lunch? Will it be to a segregated lunch counter? Oh wait, he doesn’t believe in those, really. Maybe KFC, to put a little “Kentucky” into the experience? Or just a bagged lunch with cheap-ass sandwiches and generic snack pouches? Make suggestions in the comments section. [Rand Paul 2010 Facebook Page]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

Hola wonkerados.

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38 comments

  1. Surfeit O'Hubris

    The problem with Face Book is that there’s no way to say you specifically DON’T like a think.

    While we’re on the subject, this Rubicon thing… I don’t like it. I think it’s making me pro-Pompey.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    I think I’d rather have chips and salsa with the Billary.

    PB&J with celery? Ha. More like Burgers with extra E. Coli and Spinach Salad with extra feces.

  3. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=628177]memzilla[/re]: For anyone else! Not them…they, personally, are exempt from everything they are against (e.g., don’t want messicans getting Social Security, health care, but, by Gawd, Paultards fucking deserve it. See how it works now?)

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Just a guess, but I see Rand as a big fan of the all-you-can-eat buffet at Golden Corral. Shit food at a low price and he probably won’t bother with a tip — what more would a cheap-ass libertarian want?

  5. JMP

    Um, like Wonkette commenting, isn’t most fucking about on facebook done while people are bored at work? It looks like someone on the fake doctors’ staff really didn’t think things through holding this on a Sunday for non-Jesusy reasons as well.

  6. dijetlo

    You know, I like Rand Paul. He says what he thinks, which is refreshing in a politician.
    Too bad he thinks a lot of crazy shit, but at least we know he’s insane before we make him a Senator, unlike say…the entire Republican Senatorial Caucus.

  7. imissopus

    Does Woolworth’s still have lunch counters? Hell, does America still have Woolworth’s?

  8. harry palmer

    He wants 100K people to like him and for all I know will get them, but the thingy on the left tells me only 2198 people on My Face like the Wonkette. No further proof of our doom is needed.

  9. JMP

    [re=628194]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hell, as a libertarian Rand probably doesn’t tip, so I’d avoid any places with waitstaff to avoid cum in my meal if I had to eat with him.
    n
    [re=628198]imissopus[/re]: As a former employee of the Woolworth’s corporation, no. All closed back in 97.

  10. PlanetWingnuta

    But what if paul picked a place and it would discriminate against a black or other colored person from eating there…would Paul say something? HELL NO!

  11. Ruhe

    What kind of pyramid scheme uses free lunch as bait? Dr? Paul should have studied Amway’s system more closely. Or perhaps he could have offered a pink Cadillac the way Mary Kay used to do.

  12. Geogre

    If you cheat, the free market will catch you, after you have eaten, digested, and eliminated the lunch, and then you will have to change your online name if you want to have any chance of doing business again.

  13. comicbookguy

    [re=628198]imissopus[/re]: Not since an overreaching federal government interfered with the free market in 1964.

    How can we get wonkette this lunch with the Paulster? And can we do it in a way that doesn’t involve me joining his fan page?

  14. MissyLissa

    Rand will take you to lunch at a place that hasn’t had to put up with those government health code inspection or those facist pigs who don’t let an unacceptable amount of pig shit into your meals. It will, however, have met the high standards of the American Association of Lunches, of which Rand is the vice-President and only member.

  15. wilbro

    I doctored my images, but I am board certified to do so. By my own board. But that’s freedom.

  16. obfuscator

    he’s a jerry lee lewis-looking sumbitch.

    the correct answer is cracker barrel, the most aptly named restaurant ever.

  17. sezme

    Lauri, you had me crying with laughter with Rand ‘forgetting’ his wallet. You forgot to mention that you’d have to stare at whatever’s stuck between his teeth throughout the entire ordeal. I’m starting to think it’s not worth using my awesome Photoshop skills to ‘win’ this contest. Plus I might have to ‘be in Kentucky’.

  18. One Yield Regular

    This is just like that Seinfeld episode where the co-dependent guy tricks Jerry into owing him dinner.

  19. Extemporanus

    Ha ha, “take a screen shot”! Can you even do that on the AOL?

    Also: “Ants on a log” and purple drank for everyone!

  20. GOPCrusher

    Are elections in Kentucky settled based on who has the most Facebook friends? Welcome to Idiocracy.

  21. norbizness

    They currently have an .mp3 up on the page from objectivist supergroup The Paultards: “River Deep, Mountaintop Blown Up.”

  22. Manos: Hands of Fate

    I’d be careful about leaving snarky comments on edgy politicians’ FB pages. I wrote a somewhat disparaging comment on Gov. “I take the Mex out of Tex” Brewer’s page and boy was my in-box full of love notes from highly distrubing people for about a month.

  23. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=628339]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: i slammed palin and didnt get any bad comments in my box…though she did take my writing privledges away…so much for free speech under palin eh?

  24. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    They won’t accept doctored submissions, unless they’ve been certified by Rand Paul’s National Board of Doctored Submissions…

  25. DeLand DeLakes

    A scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fine
    And is also known as a buster
    Always talkin’ about what he wants
    And just sits on his broke ass
    So (no)

    I don’t want your number (no)
    I don’t want to give you mine and (no)
    I don’t want to meet you nowhere (no)
    I don’t want none of your time and (no)

    I don’t want no scrub
    A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
    Hangin’ out the passenger side
    Of his best friend’s ride
    Tryin’ to holla at me
    I don’t want no scrub
    A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
    Hangin’ out the passenger side
    Of his best friend’s ride
    Tryin’ to holler at me

    There’s a scrub checkin’ me
    But his game is kinda weak
    And I know that he cannot approach me
    Cuz I’m lookin’ like class and he’s lookin’ like trash
    Can’t get wit’ a dead-beat ass
    So (no)

    I don’t want your number (no)
    I don’t want to give you my mine and (no)
    I don’t want to meet you nowhere (no)
    I don’t want none of your time (no)

  26. 5n8g6

    Wow. This post and its comments are one of the most anti-intellectual excuses for political discourse I’ve seen. And considering the wide breadth of crap on the Internet, that’s saying something. “Idiocracy” indeed. I think it’s because the people posting seem to firmly assume their own intellectual superiority without providing evidence of it, discarding wisdom in lieu of wit. Throwing around scatological humor and the portmanteau “Paultard” (simultaneously insulting to Paul supporters and people with disabilities) also isn’t becoming of said assumption of superiority.

    Perhaps the bright intellectuals here could elucidate their proposals on how to address the administration’s rampant fiscal insolvency? Or express their objections to Rand Paul’s positions on Constitutional authority (which guarantees individual liberties as government regulation cannot), term limits, reading the bills, etcetera? Nope, just more witty obfuscations, illogical insistence of Paul’s proof of the null hypothesis on various beliefs, ad infinitum. Idiocracy ahoy.

  27. DeLand DeLakes

    [re=628850]5n8g6[/re]: Make a funny or go back to masturbating to extreme close-ups of Ayn Rand’s nostrils.

Comments are closed.