RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  3:37 pm July 28, 2010

The End Times Aren’t Looking So Bad Right Now

by Benjamin Frisch

  • The out-of-control Patriot Act allowed one of Obama’s best friends, a BLACK BEAR, to waltz into some poor family’s home, eat their fruit, and steal one of their most precious toys, ALL WITHOUT A WARRANT. [Daily Intel]
  • As predicted in the Bible and on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard, we will all be tattooed with barcodes and microchips sooner or later. In an oddly poetic gesture of cosmic justice, mortgage brokers will be the first to receive the mark of the devil before being cast into hell, forever and ever. [Yahoo]
  • Proving for the millionth time that democrats are all sissy latte guzzlers, Nancy Pelosi recruited the fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg to design the most important tote since the Nina Totin’ Bag. [The Snitch]
  • Ex-Fugees member and mega-wonk Wyclef Jean is maybe running for president of Haiti! But where does he stand? Luckily, some geniuses decided that it would be worthwhile to analyze his lyrics to determine his political positions. [Esquire via TheDailyDish]
  • A former Shirley Sherrod apologist is absolutely AGHAST to learn that Sherrod might be a tad bit bitter towards Mr. Breitbart, who, you know, just ruined her life last week. [GayPatriot]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 19 comments }

Cicada July 28, 2010 at 3:45 pm

That Gay Patriot site is so awful it makes my brain bleed. The fact that the guy cites Dan Riehl as a source on race politics just about says it all.

JMP July 28, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Based on that article, it sounds like there’s such a thing as an “ordinary home invasion” by bears in New Hampshire. Remind me never to move there.

Haiti, we’ve tried a celebrity as President before. Based on the results, just say no.

The wignuts really like don’t like it when someone calls a racist a racist these days.

memzilla July 28, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Gay Patriot sez: “The Sherrod’s are full-blown race-baiting liberals.”

What bait should we be using? Worms? Dry-flies? Dead raccoons? And should we be using 5-pound test line? Hav-A-Heart traps? Roach motels? Details, plz!

chascates July 28, 2010 at 3:53 pm

The truly magnificent thing about the internet is that we now realize how many rock-stupid people live in America and manage not merely to survive but thrive.

The End Times can’t get here soon enough to suit me.

Mr Blifil July 28, 2010 at 3:53 pm

If I call Gay Patriot a twat, does that make me a homophobe?

JMP July 28, 2010 at 4:01 pm

[re=627623]chascates[/re]: If the end of time has arrived, that means that god really does answer prayers; at least Meatloaf’s.

GOPCrusher July 28, 2010 at 4:10 pm

So I guess we have proof that being a dumbass cuts across the sexual preference lines too.

Tommmcatt July 28, 2010 at 4:52 pm

[re=627626]Mr Blifil[/re]: Nah, just perceptive.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 28, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Good job, Benjamin, citing to Glen Beck’s black board, as it still has some credibility.

[re=627626]Mr Blifil[/re]: It just means you hate America. Duh.

Woohoo July 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Wow, so mortgage brokers will be treated like male immigrants from Islamic countries were after 9/11. Interesting.

Ducksworthy July 28, 2010 at 5:23 pm

No thank you. I can not, will not, read anything posted on Ghey Patriot. The 8-9 imbeciles (gawd don’t let me picturd their pasty white swollen abdomens) who post there are very confused and sick individuals.

Surfeit O'Hubris July 28, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Hell, I’m bitter towards Mr. Breitfart, who’s probably splicing together a video suggesting Ms. Sherrod and the president put that BLACK bear up to its crime spree as we speak.

mumblyjoe July 28, 2010 at 6:50 pm

It’s a paean (pronounced: pee on) to how effective white racists have been at reframing the definition of racism, that calling an obviously racist guy promoting an obviously racist agenda a racist is now itself considered the height of racism and thus incontroverable proof that the victim of that racist agenda is the real racist here.

NEWSFLASH: Breitbart is engaging in racism, and it’s not racism -reverse, anti-backwards or otherwise- to point this out. He’s a race-baiting racist promoting a racist agenda of racism, and this really should have been obvious enough from the Acorn thing. As much as Breitbart and this Ghey Patriot person want to redefine these plain statements of fact as the most vile -and most importantly, automatically untrue- slander imaginable (at least when the charge is leveled against white people, that is- everyone knows all black people are racist, all the time, unlike white people) nothing can change the plain fact there.

Enslave the Whales July 28, 2010 at 7:37 pm

Well, just thanks Ben, for causing me to link to Gay Idiot, after which I’m going to have to drink myself into a stupor.

This fucker makes Andrew Sullivan seem like an internally-consistent intellectual, which should be impossible.

Enslave the Whales July 28, 2010 at 7:41 pm

[re=627636]JMP[/re]: But what about Ellen Foley’s prayers, eh?

Enslave the Whales July 28, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Oh, and just a remark on the mortgage broker printing thing. It can’t hurt, but in Cali (you know, 12% of the US population), legal mortgage brokers have to be licensed RE agents, and have been printed for twenty years or so. I believe that quite a few other states are similar.

The problems here were legal-but-vastly-unethical brokers and “unofficial”-but-abetted-by-LBVEB “agents”, who would scurry away from prints. Oh, and banks who had lost their corporate minds.

OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin July 29, 2010 at 3:27 am

Gay Patriot is a stupidfucking idiot.

melvin July 29, 2010 at 3:40 am

Is the Gay Patriot actually Andrew Breitbart? Breitbart is obviously closeted. He married the daughter of the old guy from Desperate Housewives, but it’s really apparent that Andrew has a really wide stance….

Tundra Grifter July 29, 2010 at 9:57 am

“GayPatriot…the Internet home for the American gay conservative.”

No surprise to me there’s only one.

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