- The out-of-control Patriot Act allowed one of Obama’s best friends, a BLACK BEAR, to waltz into some poor family’s home, eat their fruit, and steal one of their most precious toys, ALL WITHOUT A WARRANT. [Daily Intel]
- As predicted in the Bible and on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard, we will all be tattooed with barcodes and microchips sooner or later. In an oddly poetic gesture of cosmic justice, mortgage brokers will be the first to receive the mark of the devil before being cast into hell, forever and ever. [Yahoo]
- Proving for the millionth time that democrats are all sissy latte guzzlers, Nancy Pelosi recruited the fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg to design the most important tote since the Nina Totin’ Bag. [The Snitch]
- Ex-Fugees member and mega-wonk Wyclef Jean is maybe running for president of Haiti! But where does he stand? Luckily, some geniuses decided that it would be worthwhile to analyze his lyrics to determine his political positions. [Esquire via TheDailyDish]
- A former Shirley Sherrod apologist is absolutely AGHAST to learn that Sherrod might be a tad bit bitter towards Mr. Breitbart, who, you know, just ruined her life last week. [GayPatriot]
April 20, 2014
The End Times Aren’t Looking So Bad Right Now
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