Here’s Your God-Forsaken ’50 Most Beautiful’ List

  orifice prospective

IS HE RANKED? WHERE IS HE RANKED? IS HE RANKED HIGHER OR LOWER THAN WE WOULD HAVE RANKED HIM? WHAT SORT OF NOT-FUNNY FUNNY STORY WILL HE TELL THE HILL ? IS HE AS SOUL-CRUSHINGLY BORING AS EVERYONE ELSE ON THE LIST? WHERE DOES HE RANK? WHERE DOES HE RANK?Absolutely nothing of note is happening in politics today, and it’s sort of hard to blog about nothing. But it is possible, by some sort of mathematical anomaly, to blog about less than nothing, so here we go! The Hill, you see, finds some people more attractive than other people, physically! And so every year it compiles a ranking of this opinion! And also please strike us down now, ye vengeful gods!

We can’t even bring ourselves to mention anyone on this fucking list. It is just such a terrible and boring exercise, this list. And then these people pose for photos for this thing? Jesus Christ.

“I eat wherever the event is. If you would see my cupboard, there’s Raisin Bran and peanut butter,” she says with a laugh. “I’m not kidding.”

Oh God! Oh God! We glanced at it for a second! Aaaaaaargh.

The modern Internet has completely taken away the novelty of listicles, as this is the only thing the Internet can do these days: Trivially rank things. It is just too much effort to care. It is also too much effort to make a joke asking where an obese and/or old person is ranked. So let us just say that we hope Robert Byrd’s corpse cracked the top ten.

 
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Can Rand Paul please just question Sharron Angle’s patriotism? SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST DO SOMETHING THAT IS MORE THAN NOTHING. [The Hill]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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59 comments

  1. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Dude looks retarded – when someone says, “would you look at those puppies!”, he starts looking for little dogs..

  2. bureaucrap

    Instead, can we rank the top reasons for continuing to remain in Afghanistan/ Pakistan/ Iraq/ Yemen/ Somalia?

    I can’t think of any reasons at all, so I can’t put them in order.

  3. TrailerSpawned

    Is this where we get the to make catty comments while no one gets to see a photo of us?

    Because if so, #31 has enough extra forehead to be the sister of Rocky Dennis.

  4. V572625694

    The Hill could use a little Second Amendment encouragement not to publish crap like this anymore. Neilist, how about employing some of that armament you so lovingly describe in a good cause? No killing, just scare the shit out of these people with a few thousand rounds of .50-cal just over their heads.

  5. bfstevie

    Never all those capital hill weasels. Where can I buy some of those hobo cigars like the guy in the ad captioned “100% Satisfaction Guaranteed”?

    A Most Beautiful List member is just a man or woman, but a cheap cigar is a crappy smoke.

  6. just pixels

    Free burkas for everyone on the list. Free reverse Lasik surgery for everyone who saw it.

  7. freakishlystrong

    Oh. I thought that said “The Hills” and went and looked to see if Spencer or Lo Bosworth made the list. Was then horrified to realize these are Hill folk. Rushed back here to comment.

  8. Rosie Scenario

    Seeing the photo reminds me that we haven’t heard anything about Meghan McCabe lately? She must be at least tweeting out there.

  9. pondscum

    This list only confirms that there are no good looking men in DC. You poor slobs. I work on a Big Ten campus so at least I get to gaze at my fair share of bright young things. Yes, they are all rich douches, but good looking none the less.

  10. Sharkey

    [re=627510]Rosie Scenario[/re]: It’s mostly about her stupid book that’s coming out – she’s so nervous and excited! And then the next day, she’s still nervous and excited! The day after that, she’s even more excited!

    “McCainBlogette: my friend is coming over to teach me and my other friend that doesn’t cook how to cook lasagna – in return I will help her start her twitter”

    Uhhhh….

  11. Tawk

    I just got a press release from Sen. Snowe bragging there’s a Maine girl on the list. Seems like an odd thing to share with constituents…
    Is there a That’s Not Gender Transcendence gif?

  12. 13ollocks To The Rules

    [re=627505]norbizness[/re]: Dude’s from somewhere called Lake Toxaway – I suppose he was lucky to get out before he grew a third eye.

  13. Doglessliberal

    Several of the Republican ones look as if their party doesn’t want them marrying.

    [re=627512]pondscum[/re]: No good looking men who work ON THE HILL. There are tons of hotties elsewhere, trust me.

    @Jack Stuef: it is easy to blog about nothing, just do like Breitbart and make shit up.

  14. JMP

    If you’re bored by the lack of news, Jack, you could always have a blog about nothing. Like an entire post where you’re waiting to be seated at a Chinese restaurant, or can’t find your car in a parking garage.

  15. Okie Dokie Dog

    If the HILL can’t have its 50 Most Buttiful List then the terrorists have won!!!

  16. Prommie

    I bet that Donahoe chick is good at gnawing down aspen trees and building dams, complete with a little lodge where she can raise her kits. She uses her paddle-like tail to slap the water and warn them of danger.

  17. BlueStateLiberal

    At least I learned there is a “United States Commission on International Religious Freedom.” Geez, how do I get my hands on some of this sweet and easy gub’mint money?

  18. Doglessliberal

    And Jack, we got Mueller’s saying agents don’t know making up evidence is wrong, Arizona’s law being smacked down (in part), crackheads going to jail the same as their powder buddies, and fires burning up Ken Layne’s neigborhood.

  19. JMP

    After going through the Hill’s top 10 choices:

    #1 is a Republican staffer, and she is described as a “raw foodist, bikram yogi, jewelry maker” – AKA a hippie. This sounds almost like college, and in another two years she’ll be a self-described socialist and listening to the Indigo Girls (OK I went to college a long time ago).

    #2 says she just moved to Washington from central PA two years ago, and is a big Nationals fan. First, she should know you’re supposed to stay loyal to your hometown teams when you move, and second, the Nationals have no fans.

    #6 is definitely the actual hottest of the women, I call racism/anti-liberal bias.

    The actual congressladies/Senators on the list are a bit too old to belong there.

  20. Limeylizzie

    [re=627558]Limeylizzie[/re]: That sounds as if I think Sherrod may be gay, I meant that I would like him to whisper dirty things to me with his fantastic gravelly voice. Also.

  21. pub_option

    The most amusing to me was Sarah Spear. She used ‘Going Big’ for her caption, and appears to have had a boob job.

  22. whiterabid

    I looked for Jefferson Smith, but he must have been impeached. Is this the classic movie blog?

  23. Doglessliberal

    [re=627549]JMP[/re]: if you look at all 50, there are some hotter women far down the list.

  24. Lazy Media

    [re=627484]FlownOver[/re]: Rubbish. At least 10 of those young folks were way better than “DC hot.” Even a couple of the Republicans (ginger girl and Indian chick, I’m lookin’ at you).

    Man, buncha haterz on here. Y’all sound fat AND ugly. I mean, I’m both, but at least I don’t SOUND like it.

  25. Doglessliberal

    I love how Scott Brown refused to pose for a pic or give an interview but they still have him on the list. We have already seen him naked(ish), so he’s shy now?

  26. SayItWithWookies

    [re=627505]norbizness[/re]: Either that one knows a lot of chicks who are Robert Pattinson fans and so does his hair that way, or else he hustled pool in Hoboken in the 1950s and was sent here through a time warp of some kind.

  27. Cicada

    [re=627574]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    When reached for comment, Senator Brown responded:
    “I’m trying to be taken seriously, dammit! I’m not just a piece of meat!”
    *runs sobbing into bathroom*

  28. Mr Blifil

    Is it me or is Kirsten Gillibrand just a tad high up that list, all of it’s inherent faults notwithstanding? Plus when do we get to see the hot-hot-hot pics of the panel of judges?

  29. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    I admit that the Amit Bagga queen made me chuckle with his story of scaring teatards with his red british gay coat or whatever it was.

  30. Doglessliberal

    [re=627674]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Yes, he actually seemed to have a sense of humor, a scarcity around here.

  31. Fabuloso

    “In his free time, Manley likes to relax with a beer and play on his softball team, the Suspicious Packages.”

    Guys, JR’s before or after the game?

  32. Woohoo

    The italics next to the names — is that their sexual preference? “Animal lover”, “Going big”, “the rugger”…

  33. Autochthon

    Ben Dunham (a Southern porn name if there ever was one) just *reeks* of drunken frat-boy gay-secks…

  34. rmjag

    against my better judgment , i just looked at all 50 , and now i have diarrhea * BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY * …………

  35. lochnessmonster

    “I eat wherever the event is. If you would see my cupboard, there’s Raisin Bran and peanut butter,” she says with a laugh. “I’m not kidding.”

    That says it all to me. A bunch of people earning 100K+ and they don’t eat unless they can get it for free.

  36. Enslave the Whales

    Remind me why the giant over-tanned mammary monster is about to devour Aaron Schlock. Was this an out-take from season five of Lost?

  37. rmjag

    [re=627595]Rumproast[/re]: jean schmidt isn’t beautiful in the traditional sense of the word , and she isn’t beautiful in the non-traditional sense either . so it balances out .

  38. sanantonerose

    Meet Alexis Latifi: raw foodist, bikram yogi, jewelry maker. Seeing her flourish in her new city, her friends and family back home joke, “Hey, you’re not so weird anymore,” says Latifi, a staff assistant for Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Ala.).

    A Republican raw foodie yoga jewelry maker? Pretty fucking weird. Plus the fact her eyes seem to glow with some semblance of a soul.

  39. melvin

    I agree that Kirsten Gillibrand is the hottest member of congress, but I don’t think she needed to be #3 on the list. And how did this Anna Chu chick crack the top ten? If you needed another member of congress, How about Amy Klobuchar?

  40. Fairy Hardcastle

    I just joined. I am very excited. But hey, why do I have to choose between male and female? I mean aren’t you gals with it? What about herma or trans?

    Anyway, I am a little curious why you would use JC’s name as if it had any power at all. I mean isn’t the best way to belittle something to ignore it?

    And finally, whoa I’m all for vegetarian and decent treatment of animals but that picture of the slaughtered animals. It’s like you are the pro-fetus crowd or something shoving those bloody pictures on us.

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