Joan Heffington Might Not Have a Posse, But She Does Have a Newsletter

As your Wonkette previously reported, Joan Heffington — Sam Brownback’s GOP primary challenger in the Kansas gubernatorial race — lists GOD as a board member of her advocacy organization, the Association for Honest Attorneys. Among other things, the association wants a constitutional “justice amendment” to make more justice in America. It issues a quarterly newsletter! You can get a copy of it on the association’s website, but in honor of public service journalism we’ve summarized and highlighted some key points.

Like all good newsletters, the Heffington Post is organized to feature the most important news first, to grab your attention. This edition’s “TOP STORY” kicks off with the lede, “The governor’s race in Kansas is all about the ‘rich v. poor/middle class.’” Maybe Joan Heffington is a Marxist class warrior? She explains:

“[T]he majority of Kansas voters are in the (wealthy) K.C. area, Lawrence and Topeka. We’re told that you can win in all other counties, but if you don’t win in these three, you don’t win (turnout is also low in Wichita.)”

But everybody knows that Poors don’t vote, because Walmarts don’t have voting booths (the only thing Walmart doesn’t have) and you can’t vote by teevee remote control. Heffington will come to truly understand this as her political career develops and will start “marketing where the money is.”

Other newsletter revelations:

• Even though the polls are all for Brownback, Heffington’s crew has traveled all over Kansas and “only found 3 people who will vote for him.” But based on her newsletter, it seems like the only people she talks to are slowly being destroyed by government forces in some way or another. Brownback’s never polled well with that group.
• Heffington hasn’t seen Brownback since June 8, because maybe “he’s afraid to answer questions about Heffington’s claims that he was involved in the CIA abuse of National Security Letters using innocent Kansans as experiments for chemical and biological warfare.” To be fair, maybe Brownback needs more time to develop thorough answers.
• One time a woman working in Heffington’s office “was targeted with a steroid cocktail mix I.V. in a Wichita hospital.” Gee, that sucks!
• Another time, the state of Kansas “brought a false lawsuit against her for practicing law without a license.” And some guy wants to sue her because her campaign brochures stuck to his car windshield. Lady can’t catch a break.
• The “Campaign Capers” feature section notes that “Ms. Heffington spent a June evening trying to spraypaint a 4 X 6 campaign signboard in near darkness.” If you go down to this one turnpike exit somewhere in Kansas, you can see it hanging, if it’s still there. To post it, Heffington “climbed up on top of an 8-ft. tall mound to complete the task, pulling herself up on weeds as tall as cornstalks. A few days later, she went back to add a black-lettering decal that said ‘Heffington for Governor.’” Details matter!
• Some guy told her he’d vote for her “if she got down into a mud volley ball pit. She rolled up her pantlegs, hoping just to get her feet wet, but ended up slipping in up to her thighs!” Nothing to add to this.

The newsletter also lists the various accomplishments achieved by the Association in recent months, which clarifies its mission — described on its website as “discouraging civil litigation, increasing public awareness of the illegal and unethical practices of many attorneys, and seeking “justice for all.” There were so many accomplishments, and some of them involve microwaves — not the appliances, but “little waves” that apparently watch or poison you. Sounds complicated! It’s probably a good thing that GOD is involved, because GOD knows a lot of stuff about science. [Association for Honest Attorneys]