Every political party needs an intellectual guru, and 1990s nostalgia act Newt Gingrich is the “Ideas Man” for the GOP establishment when he’s not playing Pearl Jam and Cardigans covers. Some consider Newt a great thinker, perceptive about history and full of “American Solutions for Winning the Future.” This is because 2010 America doesn’t really have thinkers. Instead we have policy nerds and op-ed page n’ teevee boredom-mongers, all of them “intellectuals” because, uh, they go on the teevee and type the op-ed page. They also occasionally write books like Newt’s violent robot novel To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular-Socialist Machines, er, we mean, MACHINE, a tale of socialist robots sent from the godless future to kill Ronald Reagan’s ghost.
The book is cleverly disguised as one of those breezy but long policy proposals that some people mistakenly call “books” and others comically call “think pieces.” But your reviewer can confirm that Newt is an avant-garde weirdo, because the book is secretly a sci-fi novel.
THE PLOT: The year is 2010. America is in dumb ruins. Into this crumbling, toxic hellscape rumbles something called “Obama’s secular-socialist machine.” Its nature is unclear at first, but it obviously means us harm.
Which of Obama’s secular-socialist machines is Philip K. Newt talking about? Surely not the robot planes that socialistically blow up Afghans. And probably not the government UFOs you see wheeling above our western deserts from time to time. Newt clarifies:
[T]he secular socialists believe the only reliable institution is a bureaucratic, centralized, supremely powerful government. Their answer to virtually every problem is higher taxes, more spending, and bigger bureaucracies, because they don’t believe Americans can be trusted to make the “right” decisions ….
Powerful politicians will impose their will on an exhausted, submissive citizenry, who will look to government bureaucrats for guidance and permission to succeed in life. Naturally, there will be no place for God in this new, purely secular society.
…. The secular-socialist machine represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did.
Ah, that sounds bad. As you might guess, these secular-socialist machines were sent from the future by intergalactic space tyranny A-CORN. Their orders: Locate the spirit of our nation’s founder, Ronald Reagan, and kill it. Or at least trap it in one of those boxes from Ghostbusters, because the S-S machines need to avoid a Tea Party insurrection in the future. Understandable, really, because nobody wants to spend the future getting yelled at by a swelling population of rancorous old people.
So how does Newt get the socialists off this muthafuckin’ plane? I shan’t spoil the ending! Though I can confirm that the last pages are a prose poem in which every sentence begins with “Bravery is …” and then “You lead ….”
Newt’s dystopia would make a fine graphic novel (possibly written and drawn by Wonkette’s own Benjamin Frisch?). Or at least a movie with an all-DEVO soundtrack. Imagine Newt throwing Church-and-Capitalism grenades at the secular-socialist robots while “Freedom of Choice” blares through THX speakers. No? Maybe an all-Kraftwerk soundtrack, then, to please the classy machines out there.
Newt is correct that America needs fixin’, what with all the bear carjackings and oily pelicans and Google space-robots redrawing the globe and all those great publishers just cold dying all the time with no one to replace them. We just didn’t know that the source of these horrors is an army of secular-socialist robots. Thank God we have Newt to write us the Truth!
What else did we learn here? Two things:
1) Newt Gingrich still insists on being called “Speaker Newt Gingrich,” if the back flap is anything to go by.
2) The Speaker-for-Life should flee the Earth in a spaceship, so we can get on with building the REAL secular-socialist machine: a huge network of energy-generating bikes that people will furiously peddle all day, for pay, to power our villages and cities (the suburbs will be abandoned to the bears, for Formula 1 practice). Three great challenges to America — unemployment, sketchy energy, and obesity — all solved forever. Excelsior!
To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular-Socialist Machine by Newt Gingrich, Regnery Press, 356 pages.
SPEAKING OF MACHINES If there’s a book you’d like to see reviewed by Wonkette World o’ Books, use your email machine to send suggestions to greer.mansfield@gmail.com. Any book having anything to do with the Politics is welcome, though we obviously lean towards the Shameful and Appalling. All operatives will be credited/shamed for their brilliant ideas.
{ 55 comments }
Er- Eternel ????????
Uh Oh. What is one of those robot planes is programmed to detect and destroy blathering sacks of pseudo intellectual dogshit.
Duck Gnutie!
And Linda Hamilton fits in how, exactly?
Greer Mansfield? Wonkette will have to find a larger bar to have staff meetings in.
Greer, I will say a million prayers for you at the Ground Zero Mosque for having made it through the Newster’s books and still being semi-articulate.
You get to be called “Speaker” once you prove you can’t STFU.
Shouldn’t “Speaker” Gingrich just stick to coming up with new ways to say NO!?
[re=627727]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: She plays the hot girlfriend who causes the hero to dump his dying wife, obvs.
Too late–the secular-socialist space robots already failed to kill the mother and thereby prevent the conception of the one who will lead the human insurrection against our robot overlords. I am of course talking about Trig.
“Their answer to virtually every problem is higher taxes, more spending, and bigger bureaucracies, because they don’t believe Americans can be trusted to make the “right” decisions.”
That sentence does not compute. Since when do liberals think that the government makes good decisions? I would argue that the various anti-war protests I’ve seen around town would illustrate that liberals consider all Americans, including their government and possibly themselves, to be knuckle-dragging fuckwits.
[re=627717]mort[/re]: Yeah, I wish I could take credit for that avant-garde extra e, but I ain’t that clever.
[re=627717]mort[/re]: TAKE credit, even. See? I really is a Dumb.
[re=627717]mort[/re]: I thought it was “El-Joral gave his only begotten son…”
Okay, apparently I had it right the first time. Last comment on this post from me Forever. Fucking hell…
Ol’ Uncle Newtie keeps saying “secular socialists” like it’s a bad thing — of course it definitely stands in the way of his plan, which is money for the rich, religion for the poor. At least in ancient Rome their fat, self-righteous gasbags gave them bread and circuses — but of course those were immoral and corrupt times.
“Obama’s secular-Socialist machines mostly come out at night. Mostly…”
[re=627741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: The republitards see the main function of republican goobermint to be the concentration of knuckle-dragging fuckwits in gobbermint.
[re=627717]mort[/re]: [re=627746]Greer Mansfield[/re]: I think she was thinking Infernel.
[re=627750]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Money for the rich and religion for the poor? My god man, you’re beginning to sound like Karl Marx! Go CPUSA!
Regnery Press, eh Newt? They’ll publish pretty much any anti-Demon-crat screed. In other words, all the real publishers said your work “does not meet our needs at this time”. Pretty much the same as what America thinks.
I wonder what’s the opposite of Obama’s Secular Socialist Machine – the OSSM. Is it Newt’s Anti-Muslin Belief Leads America – NAMBLA? Or maybe it’s Future United Christians Keeping Jihad Ending Strategies in the United States. Maybe it’s 2000 Bush-Cheney.
[re=627741]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: It is funny how we had 8 years of Bush and people like Newt telling us to STFU and trust government to make the right decision, at least when it came to killing people, wiretapping, and secret prisons.
[re=627727]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: No Linda Hamilton in this picture, but there is an equivalent role: Rudy Giuliani in drag.
Bravery is cheating on your cancer-stricken wife, and you lead divorce papers to her bedside.
From what I gather in your inciteful summary, this book would not have been written had Obama gotten off the dime and finally picked a goddam church to regularly attend.
[re=627752]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh no! Does this mean that Obama’s secular-Socialist machines are not only Nazi Commies but Vampire Nazi Commies too? If so, how could all those fifteen year old girls and 40 year old cat ladies refuse them?
“Secular-Socialists” are a step up from “Godless-Communists,” so I’m gonna allow how Newtron is not as stupidly bombastic as his lineal ancestors (the 1960′s Neanderthals, a/k/a the John Birch Society). But, he’s close.
I can’t laugh at this shit any more. I just wish the whole system would collapse already.
Sullivan, quoting Joe Klein:
…Newt Gingrich is clearly running for President. How do I know? He gets dumb and angry when running for office….
…Imagine Newt throwing Church-and-Capitalism grenades at the secular-socialist robots while “Freedom of Choice” blares through THX speakers.
Not unlike the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?
[re=627802]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Worse, Hooray.
Much, much worse…
.
(Newt’s ominous warning comes in the video’s final few seconds.)
I know Newt isn’t a history scholar or anything (despite what his socialist ‘degree’ might say), but it sure would be nice if anyone on the Right would recall/figure out that Fascists (Nazis) and Communists (Stalin) are OPPOSITES.
That’s kinda why there was that whole ‘Eastern Front’ thingy in the dubya-dubya-two…
[re=627752]Extemporanus[/re]:
“Obama’s secular-Socialist machines mostly come out at night. Mostly…”
…And Newt wishes he had such a well-oiled machine so he could go ‘mano-a-mano’ in the upcoming bot wars with the socialist robot president.
Needs moar sex scenes. Involving robots.
3 billion human lives ended on January 1, 2014. The survivors of the state health insurance exchanges called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the death panels.
The computer which controlled the unions and eco-terrorists and Jewish bankers, KosNet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the white Constitutional resistance, Newt Gingrich, to succeed where his diet of chocolate-frosted McNuggets might fail. The first Terminator was programmed to strike at him in 1994, before Newt was born again into Catholicism. It failed, but not before it got history’s most expensive blowjob. The second, a buck Negro, was set to strike at Newt himself when he was still a jowly senior citizen. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone snowmobile-riding warrior, a protector for Newt. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.
Great Fuck.
I must offer a ritual apology from the olds to the youngers (including my kids) that we did not exterminate these motherfuckers back when we might have had a chance to get through their security. By votes, of course.
Fuck. (Am I repeating myself?).
[re=627840]WhatTheHeck[/re]: You mean something like THIS?
[re=627862]Blender[/re]: And dinosaurs.
[NSFW!]
We obviously lean towards the Shameful and Appalling.
You have inadvertently described my entire sex life up until this point.
It’s a COOKBOOK!
(is it a cookbook?)
[re=627729]chascates[/re]: I thought we were already at a large bar. (((burp))))
[re=627798]bitchincamaro[/re]: So I guess this means, no Sharia
[re=627752]Extemporanus[/re]:
To which the only appropriate reply is
” We need to pull back and nuke them from orbit.
It’s the only way to be sure.”
Don’t any of these old Repuke fucks ever die. Cheney is on his 6th heart attack. They just don’t friggin die. That deal with the devil is really payin off for them!
Does anybody know the name of a single, actual human being who 1) Actually bought the book at full cover price?; 2) Actually bought the book at any price?; 3) Actually read through the entire 356 pages? I remember an experiment run by some wise guy who left $5.00 bills tucked into the middle pages of several policy books and political memoirs, along with a note asking whoever found the note to call or write and say they found the money. He then placed the books on the shelves of several DC bookstores and had, I believe, exactly zero responses. Might have been a SPY magazine stunt…
[re=627864]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Fucking brilliant.
And Grant, the first paragraph of this review is my favorite opening paragraph to a book review, ever!
[re=627898]dijetlo[/re]: Game over, man! GAME OVER!
[re=627939]Extemporanus[/re]:Maybe we got ‘em demoralized.
Christian entrepreneurs, tinkering in their basements (not downloading porn) must rise up to defeat the threat of the secular socialist machine. These tiny entrepreneurs must fight Islam and the government to win. Oh, and the media, must fight them too. Large corporations are friendly and supportive of these small businesses because they are on the same side as Freedom. These family businessmen must first build a family, then build a business, and do so without getting drunk or beating your wife. But always keep pulling up your bootstraps. Now fight, lots and lots of fighting to do because the secularists are breeding with the socialists, who are conspiring with the mexicans, who are trained by al-Qaeda and dressed by gays. Must save America! Also .. a shining city on a hill.
At least they’re not Future Sailors!
ROBOT STARFISH!
[re=627864]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Your clothes. I need them. Also.
If Newt Gingrich is an ideas man, I am Albert Einstein.
And if Sarah Palin is a serious politician, I am God.
As Newtie said to his wife as she was dying from cancer, “bitch, stop whining!”
But compared to the tea-party crowd Newt seems quite the intellectual.
[re=627979]plowman[/re]: Ultimate example of “faint praise”.
[re=627735]FlownOver[/re]: NICE !!!
[re=627838]OCKerouac[/re]: He certainly isn’t. You can download Chapter One for free from his website with a fake email (“not@this.time”). I read it had Ole Newt is clueless when it comes to American History. Or just about anything else, for that matter.
He begins with the idea that since the American Civil War (started to free the slaves, by the way!) we have not had to ask ourselves who we are? Or, who are we? Not during WW II or the Great Depression or the Cold War – nope!
Then we learn how the colonists wanted freedom of religion (hanging Quakers in Massachusetts and killing Jewish folks elsewhere gets skipped) – and it’s just one error after another. Literally on every page.
I put up an Amazon review and pointed out quite a few mistakes. That certainly went over well. The consensus of the opposition is that Newt, Glumm Bleek, Off-the-Mark, Sheer “Am i An Idiot?” InSannity and the rest write great books because they sell so many copies. Guess that puts the Twilight series up there with Shakespeare.
When discussing his book on Faux Noise Sunday, Chris Wallace asked Newt if he really thought Obama was a Nazi as described in his book.
Even mainstream wingnuts are beginning to question Newt’s sanity.
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