Wait, is Luke Russert still hanging around the Capitol dressed in his suit? Isn’t “bring your kids to work day” over? Well, Charlie Rangel is sick and tired of being harassed by our nation’s unemployed youth. That’s why Congressman Rangel wrote this great new law to scoop up all the shiftless young Americans and put ‘em to work, in the New National Service. And Wonkette supports this new legislation 129%, because it’s time to do something with the vast unwashed U.S. population of jobless, hopeless “kids” (everyone between grade school and Medicare). Why not make them pick up all the goddamned trash they’ve left everywhere, or maybe work taking care of each other’s bastard, obese children? Or putting band-aids over each other’s neck tattoos so they can take turns applying for that one graveyard shift opening at the Taco Bell?
Here is Charlie’s awesome new bill:
H.R. 5741: Universal National Service Act
111th CongressTo require all persons in the United States between the ages of 18 and 42 to perform national service, either as a member of the uniformed services or in civilian service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security, to authorize the induction of persons in the uniformed services during wartime to meet end-strength requirements of the uniformed services, and for other purposes.
It’s “in committee” but lacks a co-sponsor. We find it hard to believe that Congress isn’t FULL of members who would very much like to take everyone between 18 and 42 and just put them somewhere, who cares where. Make ‘em camp outside national parks — outside the park boundaries, not in the campgrounds with the Good People — and rebuild the trails or whatever. Shave each other’s backs, for Hygiene. March around in sixty-mile circles, for Health. Put solar panels on old people’s mobile homes, and learn the Koran, for Homeland Security. Round up old Teabaggers and inject their hearts with poison, for liberty!
As long as the violent youth gang lobby keeps trying to smear Rangel with this phony “ethics probe,” America continues to be overrun by worthless, unemployable slobs. CONGRESS, PASS THIS BILL. Plus, nobody will be against this draft, as long as it promises the required seven fast-food meals per day and a place to sleep and charge the prepaid cell phone. [GovTrack via Wonkette operative "Sandy C." via Cryptogon]
{ 42 comments }
I’d also like the new law to force kids to keep their car stereos down to a low level and stay out of the damned malls on the weekends.
The Obama Brown Shirt Army isn’t going to build itself. How else do you expect the conservatives to be rounded up and shipped off to the FEMA built concentration camps?
That picture just slays me. Charlie is so cute. I just want to kiss him on the forehead. And who needs honest when you’ve got impish?
Brrrrr! It is getting drafty in here. Is this the new stimulus blowin’ in the wind?
[re=626852]chascates[/re]: And to STAY THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN
So now if you vote to expel Charlie Rangel, you’re with the terrorists? This is his strategy, two days before his trial begins?
Charlie Rangel’s arrogance makes Blago seem demure by comparison.
As long as they tack on an open-carry provision and some more loopholes, I’m all for it.
[re=626857]x111e7thst[/re]: And if they were their pants so their underwear shows it’s off to the Army!
Please let this happen, Jebus. All those “kids” in uniform will make old perverts sticky down there and revive the needle trades in the forlorn garment district
simultaneat the same time.I’ve already exchanged my “I support the troops” magnetic yellow ribbon for a “I support the uniformed services or civilian service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security.” It’s a big magnet, so I had to buy a big SUV to display it. So I’ll need more gas. AND IT BETTER BE CHEAP GAS RANGLE. Perhaps those yutes can get me some from various places around the world.
We’ve secretly swapped Charlie Rangel’s hair with that of boxing impresario Don King. Let’s review the hidden-camera footage and see if anyone can tell the difference.
[re=626862]chascates[/re]: Anyone wearing a rosary around their neck gets shot in the foot before being sent to the Army.
This is just what the next generation of privileged kids needs — because they’re sick of hearing their parents talk about how they had to buy their way out of the draft or get sent to some champagne squadron during the war and how rich kids today have it so easy. Don’t worry kids — evading the draft will build character — look what it did for Dubya — the man’s actually proud of his eight years on vacation. If that’s not character I don’t know what is.
Ha, I’m 45. Suck it, 42-and-unders. And get to work – the nation’s not gonna serve itself.
No no Charlie, you can’t do this. The National Association of Lawn Care Contractors or the American National Park Maintenance Union or the American Candy Striper Society or the Association of General Contractors will all see their respective oxen gored by ObaMao’s Socialist Labor Army. Roosevelt only got away with it during the Depression because if the unemployed hadn’t been rounded up into the Civilian Conservation Corps they would’ve marched on Washington and called for his head.
By the way, why is Babyface Luke Russert on television? Is it because of his rich history as a hard-hitting investigative journalist? Or something else?
Those over 42 will be automatically labeled “The Greatest Generation” and will be free to vote against government involvement in Medicare.
I too am over 42. I see no problem here. Draft away, those Natl Park trails aren’t going to fix themselves; those Talibanese aren’t going to commit suicide, etc…
F that. I’m 28, happily employed since I graduated college. If this “national service” pays as much as my current gig and I’m guaranteed a spot back in my current job when I’m done then MAYBE. It’s not my fault my cohorts picked the wrong major – hell all my friends are employed too and doing quite well so good on us. Further evidence that the friggin baby boomers need to go: they probably want a national “take care of some old dumb ass boomer so they can go to tea parties and complain about the blacks/youth/mexicans” corps.
If Charlie had proposed this bill in the 60′s Dick Cheney would have ended up as the Canadian Premier.
As a 48-year-old, I find this to be a wise and well-reasoned piece of legislation. But civilian national service ONLY. I don’t want any damn wiseass draftees in my Navy. It’s hard enough getting professional sailors to do what you tell ‘em.
I find the use of the phrase “and for other purposes” forebodingly titillating.
Rangel’s been trying to bring back the draft in some form or another since 2003, so this isn’t really new. But I for one laud his timing this time around: from now on, future conscription proposals will always evoke the image of eighty-year-old Charlie Rangel lounging on a beach in the Caribbean, smoking a lobbyist-gifted cigar, signing his name on a bill that would haul kids off to war.
[re=626936]Extemporanus[/re]: Spank you. Oh, sorry Ken you said no rewards for that kind of behavior.
DADT would apply, due to the fact this falls under some kind of military umbrella. You’ve never seen so many ghey young’uns in your life, America.
Hey Chaz,
Why don’t you take your holier-than-thou, you’re a second class citizen unless you’ve killed a gook or a brown, HR 5741 and stick it up your ass.
Man, guys like this piss me off.
Charlie’s been reading Robert Heinlein again. This time, “Starship Troopers,” and the idea of “Federal Service” in order to vote.
WANT TO LEARN MORE?
Ha, the alt text. Is Charlie Rangel the secret love child of Jackie Gleason and Duke Ellington?
[re=626974]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: This is where I would embed a Jabba the Hutt image from the google if I could deal with their crazy new images page. Ugh.
They can build the great wall on the border of Texas and Arizona to keep them from invading the other 48 states.
Four rent-controlled apartments this guy occupies. Unbelievable!
Doesn’t Rangel just introduce these kinds of bills from time to time for attention’s sake? He had one several years back to require military service for every young person over 18—I can’t remember the statement he was trying to make with that one though.
How are people up to the age of 42 supposed to be required to do anything? Is the government going to pay me for this “national service” because forcing 20+ years of volunteerism on people is just ridiculous.
Rangel should borry Romney’s Reagan wig. Morbid, but it works on Teagaggers.
The best thing about this bill is that I once again belong to a desirable demographic, at least for another two years.
And fuck it, if it means I must empty compost privys on the AT or ride the Stryker vanguard down Main Street, well, I’m just itching for a midlife adventure.
As, apparently, a young person, for the first time in four and a half years, I’ll kindly say 1) no thank you and 2) where was this back when I was unemployed to our esteemed soon-to-be-former Congressman.
Yay for this bill! But how should we fund it? Ball is your court, USDA civil rights department.
[re=626953]Neilist[/re]: Heinlein stole that idea from the Romans, pre-Augustinian empire, obvs. As many historians have noted, the fall of said empire can be traced – in large part, albeit not solely – to a full-time paid army, not drawn from the citizenry.
That said, national service is an idea that has been put forward by many politicians, as well as other socially-alert people. Switzerland requires it, for example. As for paying for it – not that it’s going to happen – take the funds out of the Defense (sic) Dept budget, like the money that Obama doesn’t want to spend on that stupid airplane. Also, we could get rid of the FBM fleet, and maybe close down the CIA, for starters. Halliburton/KBR could run the CCC camps, so it’s a win-win for the country and the military industrial complex.
Will this law include people like Lindsey Lohan, Justin Bieber, and Miley Cyrus? If so, I’m all for it.
Justin Bieber is already doing a national service by being the new Miley Cyrus, who herself is becoming the new Lindsay Lohan.
“…to authorize the induction of persons in the uniformed services during wartime to meet end-strength requirements of the uniformed services, and for other purposes.”
I.e. Bring back the draft.
EXCELLENT suggestion. Especially since this is NOTHING like government sponsored slavery… Not even SLIGHTLY! It’s the exact opposite of that. It IS… Really…
Perhaps this is just his way of trying to connect with teh youfz because he’s about to be wearing a uniform himself? One that’s a lot easier to spot in the desert, in the dark, and in the yard, but a uniform all the same?
You’re lucky your hair is naturally straight, Charlie, and not a conk like Sharpton’s; the first thing to go in prison is the perm, and it’s never a graceful departure.
Charlie! I love you still and I always will.
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