Wait, is Luke Russert still hanging around the Capitol dressed in his suit? Isn’t “bring your kids to work day” over? Well, Charlie Rangel is sick and tired of being harassed by our nation’s unemployed youth. That’s why Congressman Rangel wrote this great new law to scoop up all the shiftless young Americans and put ‘em to work, in the New National Service. And Wonkette supports this new legislation 129%, because it’s time to do something with the vast unwashed U.S. population of jobless, hopeless “kids” (everyone between grade school and Medicare). Why not make them pick up all the goddamned trash they’ve left everywhere, or maybe work taking care of each other’s bastard, obese children? Or putting band-aids over each other’s neck tattoos so they can take turns applying for that one graveyard shift opening at the Taco Bell?
Here is Charlie’s awesome new bill:
H.R. 5741: Universal National Service Act
To require all persons in the United States between the ages of 18 and 42 to perform national service, either as a member of the uniformed services or in civilian service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security, to authorize the induction of persons in the uniformed services during wartime to meet end-strength requirements of the uniformed services, and for other purposes.
It’s “in committee” but lacks a co-sponsor. We find it hard to believe that Congress isn’t FULL of members who would very much like to take everyone between 18 and 42 and just put them somewhere, who cares where. Make ‘em camp outside national parks — outside the park boundaries, not in the campgrounds with the Good People — and rebuild the trails or whatever. Shave each other’s backs, for Hygiene. March around in sixty-mile circles, for Health. Put solar panels on old people’s mobile homes, and learn the Koran, for Homeland Security. Round up old Teabaggers and inject their hearts with poison, for liberty!
As long as the violent youth gang lobby keeps trying to smear Rangel with this phony “ethics probe,” America continues to be overrun by worthless, unemployable slobs. CONGRESS, PASS THIS BILL. Plus, nobody will be against this draft, as long as it promises the required seven fast-food meals per day and a place to sleep and charge the prepaid cell phone. [GovTrack via Wonkette operative "Sandy C." via Cryptogon]