Democracy Safari 2010

Meet Joan Heffington, Brownback Challenger and Colleague of ‘GOD’

I am a beautiful cheetah, running and running and running for office.The year A.D. 2010 will surely go down in the history book-blogs as the Year of the Exotic Candidate, when a survey of the American voting landscape became something akin to taking a glorious safari tour through a parallel universe or maybe a different galaxy. Our latest unusual specimen is Kansas gubernatorial candidate Joan Heffington, who runs a nonprofit listing GOD as a board member. Let’s learn more!

The Topeka Capital-Journal reports that they called up Heffington — who is running against Sam Brownback in the Republican primary — and she allegedly told them these interesting things:

  • “…covert government operatives are infiltrating hospitals in Kansas and elsewhere to conduct biological and chemical warfare experiments on unsuspecting patients.”
  • “In February, she said, she learned operatives implanted microchips in a man who had refused to give the government a lucrative invention he had created. The microchips were transported through a window and into the man’s body using a satellite, she said. ‘The technology is so advanced that they can do it that way,’ she said.”
  • “A 22-year-old man was unlawfully detained, tortured and infected with H1N1 by operatives after discovering that Guantanamo Bay detainees were secretly being flown to McConnell Air Force Base, Heffington said. She believes a pen was used to deliver the virus.”
  • “The state of Kansas is operating under a dictatorial French law that the CIA helped establish here in the 1950s, Heffington said. ‘They needed a state where unsuspecting people could be treated like guinea pigs so they could try out their covert activities,’ she said.”
  • “Heffington founded and is chief executive of an advocacy organization she named the Association for Honest Attorneys. The group’s website lists three board members: Heffington, director Cortland Berry and God, who is identified as ‘our most trustworthy board member.’”
  • “If elected, Heffington said, she would sign no law unless it was supported by at least two-thirds of Kansans. She said she would conduct a survey on each bill. “I’m going to do my own poll,” she said. ‘I’ll make sure it’s fair. I will have a statistician.’”

Heffington is a former Boeing employee and homebuilder from around Wichita. She uses lots of little crosses on her campaign materials, because GOD the Board Member told her to be consistent in her branding and design. Her running mate is a pastor who used his church’s billboard thingy to inform “America” that it has a muslin president, which makes GOD angry. When she becomes governor, she will “require that a Biblical and Constitutional reason exist for the passage of any new laws.”

Joan Heffington is what Thomas Frank was talking about, when he wrote that book Damn, Kansas — You’re Sooo Fucked Up. [Joan Heffington/Topeka Capital Journal/The Post Chronicle]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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1 comment

  1. Texan Bulldoggette

    Wow, I’m impressed. Didn’t think anyone could out-whacko Brownback but looks like Joan is doing a bang up job! Way to go, Brownie–you’re totally going to lose the ‘earth is flat’ & ‘we didn’t come from no stinking monkeys’ vote.

  2. norbizness

    I’ve been struck by the thunderbolt; all I can hear in my brain right now is Eric Carmen’s Hungry Eyes.

  3. Manos: Hands of Fate

    She looks like a host of a late-night horror feature show. Super hot and crazy too, loving it.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    She’s just CRM-114 blow out and “Purity of Our Essence” away from Jack D. Ripper.

  5. JMP

    It looks like Liza Minelli has lost weight, but is just as crazy and drugged-up as ever.

    The thing about being a former Boeing employee and homebuilder is surprising; for some reason I’d assumed the founder of a group called The Association of Honest Attorneys would have a certain different specific profession.

  6. DickTaterPeeNoShay

    Is that a gold fringed flag in the picture? Don’t tell Basil. He will freak out!

  7. Noodle Salad

    She’s got a Statistician, all right. His name is Jesus H. Christ, and the current numbers say 144,000 in, the rest of you libtards, commies, and government scienceticians, out.

  8. Autochthon

    [re=626254]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: She’s def got that “Elizabeth Bathory” thing goin’ on…

  9. Noodle Salad

    However, I am glad that they were able to find five other books, besides the bible, to populate that bookshelf. Although the one on slant looks suspiciously like a James Patterson.

  10. DickTaterPeeNoShay

    “A 22-year-old man was unlawfully detained, tortured and infected with H1N1 by operatives after discovering that Guantanamo Bay detainees were secretly being flown to McConnell Air Force Base…”

    That’s what I’d tell my wife too if I came home with AIDS.

  11. Virgin Birther

    I think her shelf needs a few more books.

    And no, I don’t mean that metaphorically as a subtle way of implying that she’s shit-throwing crazy. If I wanted to say that I’d simply say that she’s shit-throwing crazy. But you’ll notice that I haven’t said that. I meant merely that if one is going to pose for one’s official headshot in front of a bookcase in an attempt to look all scholarly and shit, one should put some fucking books on said shelf.

    But that’s not what I came here to talk to you about. What I really wanna know is, what the fuck is up with that robe? Has she already been elected to the Gotham Supreme Court? Is that why the book shelf is so empty, because every time it spins around to reveal the secret access tunnel to her Bat Chambers the books are flung across the room like so many little plastic babies?

    Also, she is shit-throwing crazy.

  12. Mild Midwesterner

    Including God as a board member is practical. Since he is everywhere at all times, achieving a quorum for decision-making is made that much easier.

  13. Potater

    At the late night
    Double feature
    Picture show

    I’m getting a serious Sweet Transvestite vibe off this hot young philly. May explain her constant attacks by Transylvanian super secret spies. Her lifestyle’s just too extreeeeme.

  14. 13ollocks To The Rules

    So, microchips transmitted through a window and into your body by a satellite….I don’t know about government plots, but I’m smelling a pretty juicy alternative theory for the Immaculate Conception.
    “His technology is so advanced that He can do it that way…..”
    “Joe, I swear the Yahweh it was a SATELLITE!!!!!

  15. JackDempsey

    In the picture, her hands are poised to strangle Satan, who is seated in the chair, don’t tell me he isn’t.

  16. JMP

    [re=626254]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: She looks like someone from a late-night double feature picture show – specifically, Tim Curry from Rocky Horror, just without the fishnets, but heavier makeup.

  17. JMP

    [re=626269]Potater[/re]: And I see I’m not the only one to see it. Should’ve refreshed before submitting.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    This is obviously some sort of attempt to make the LaRouchies seem boring and unnoticeable by out-crazying them. Probably perpetrated by the Queen and the Rothschild banking empire to distract America from the vast mineral wealth on Mars — because the only way to bring America to its knees is to prevent it from acquiring more wealth, which would be inevitable unless something drastic is done.
    So after America is taken care of, the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha family will rule England and the House of Bourbon will sit on the Throne of St. Denis, and millions of pacified serfs will plow the land with manual labor as The LORD intended. So don’t vote for this lady, people — today Kansas, tomorrow your eternal servitude.

  19. weejee

    WTF, Association of Honest Attorneys? And from the linkie, to paraphrase Robert Zimmerman, ‘they have God on their side.’ Neilist, some of our other bar tenders, jump in here, don’t take that sitting down. Joanie has an oxidized maroon here right up there with army intelligence and foreign policy. Sweet baby Jeebus, this gal is in some ways further out than the Kentuck goobernatorial candidates. Great find Lauri!!

  20. Monsieur Grumpe

    “Due to corruption of our account, the PayPal button has been removed. Please mail all contributions to:

    Heffington for Governor
    7145 Blueberry Lane
    Derby, Kansas 67037″

    The Pay Pal conspiracy is true! I knew it!

  21. miquonranger03

    Those must be some fun board meetings. “Oh, just open the skylight so HE MAY ENTER!”
    Also, “she would not approve any legislation that didn’t pass a biblical test”
    So, BRB, going down to Kansas to introduce legislation to legalize prostitution and incest.

  22. BOOBIES!

    I know what the GOP is doing. They are going to mental institutions around the country and finding crazy people to run against their “mainstream” candidates in GOP primaries. When the electorate compares the “mainstream” GOP candidate to the mental patients, the mainstream candidates don’t sound all that unreasonable.

  23. alzronnie

    “Due to corruption of our account, the PayPal button has been removed. Please mail all contributions to:

    Wouldn’t that be putting those contributions into the hands of the federal government’s postal workers?

  24. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Association of Honest Attorneys
    League of Partyin’ Undertakers
    Union of Celibate Hookers
    Association of Heterosexual Conservative Republicans
    Society of Child-Rapin’ Roman-Catholic Clergy…..Oh..

  25. Johnny Zhivago

    BTW, Apple is using that new satellite chip through your window technology too…

    Bam! Your Iphone4′s – fixed!!!

  26. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=626294]PastorDave[/re]: This is obviously French CIA sponsored hooliganism against this great man!

  27. snideinplainsight

    God’s on our board of directors too. I was working late one night last week, and I ran down to the lounge to see if I could score some cold pizza. There was God, raiding the fridge. He had open a doughnut box and a big grocery ziplock full of grapes. I asked him if I could have a few, he sort of looked down for a second and then said, “Sure, why not, they’re kosher.” I didn’t ask if they were really his. We were both really hungry.

  28. Marie Cohn

    A *little* crazy? More like batshit. This from someone who spent December in a mental hospital. I know what I’m talking about.

  29. Okie Dokie Dog

    Holy Topeka! A lil woman out crazied the Brownback crazy man. Proof that God is a woman.

    Here in OKIEland we gotz plenty o’the GOP/TP crazies running in this primary. Thank JEEBUS that the primary is today, as I don’t think I could take one more f*cking day of listening to these jerkoffs jerkin’ off on the teevee screen with their crazy Bible talk. I have made myself hoarse screaming cuss words at them, while my doggies run and hide in terror!

  30. rottenart

    I’d hit it. More so than Oily Taintz, whose style this women is clearly mocking with its bat-shit crazy superiority.

  31. obfuscator

    i read the “about” section on the aha! site(yes, they actually do include the exclamation point). god’s bio is pretty vague and lacking specifics.

  32. rmontcal

    OH, that’s she was worthy of the name Effington!

    I remember when I made my capital Js that way. 7th grade was such a confusing time, my body was going through so many changes…

  33. 13ollocks To The Rules

    [re=626321]rottenart[/re]: Ah, but is she tighter, wetter and hornier than Oily?

  34. Norbert

    “The year A.D. 2010 will surely go down in the history book-blogs as the Year of the Exotic Candidate…” — I feel confident that by 2012 and in all subsequent election years this kind of sweet eccentricity will have harmlessly dissipated and we’ll all have a chuckle.

  35. rottenart

    After some further reading, I’m a little icky-feeling after discovering that some of her positions actually sound… good?

    # Introduce a “No Child Left Alone” Act so that working parents can adjust their start/stop times to take their children to and from school (families first!)

    # Introduce a justice amendment offering effective assistance of counsel in a civil matter to those who can’t afford it

    # Review jail population for false/frivolous charges; if found, charges will be expunged & person released

    # Review all bankruptcy/foreclosures and if fraud is discovered, mortgage is forgiven

    # Repeal the War Powers Act so that Congress and the people must vote on decisions to go to war

    I’ll allow that the last one might get us in all sorts of trouble, but hey, us progressives got to take ‘em when we can get ‘em, amirite? Any chance of the Dem candidate coming out and cold swiping her platform, bloodthirsty, populist war-mongering empowerment and all?

  36. rottenart

    [re=626333]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: With a come-hither smirk like the one in her picture, it ain’t gonna be no ordinary rodeo, if ya know whut I mean!

  37. FlownOver

    Just you wait – Sam Brownback’s not ABOUT to let anybody make him look moderate. Or tolerant. Or sane.

    Not until after the primary, anyway, and even then only a.

  38. FlownOver

    Just you wait – Sam Brownback’s not ABOUT to let anybody make him look moderate. Or tolerant. Or sane.

    Not until after the primary, anyway, and even then only around the edges.

  39. Oblios Cap

    [re=626263]Noodle Salad[/re]:

    She only needs the Bible, since she is tight with the God fellow.

  40. 13ollocks To The Rules

    [re=626327]obfuscator[/re]: Indeed, copies of the Bible prequel “God, the Early Years” are rarely seen these days. Papyrus just doesn’t last.

  41. rottenart

    And don’t think I didn’t notice the subtle jab at those heathen Catholics with your rosary necklace, you wiley minx! I think I’m in love, guys!

  42. GuyClinch

    Looking at the AHA! website I found the turn of phrase “Cortland [Berry, the Director] voluntarily surrendered his license to practice law on April 30, 2003″ a bit odd, as if he saw the light and righteously gave up being a lawyer, so of course first thing that pops up on a google search of “cortland berry law license” is a lexis-nexis entry on his disbarment because he “lacked competence and diligence, failed to expedite litigation, failed to comply with a legally proper discovery request, engaged in the unauthorized practice of law under this court’s order of suspension, made unrestrained and intemperate statements about certain members of the judiciary, failed to provide written responses to initial complaints, failed to file a written Answer to the Formal Complaint, and engaged in other conduct that adversely reflected on the respondent’s fitness to practice [*2] law”. Now I’m going to google “God law license”.

  43. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=626282]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: The Paypal debacle was awful — someone tried to donate in Mexican pesos, which would instantly destroy Joan’s extremely deep credibility. This is a woman who thinks she’s clever to stand next to the flag in an outfit that’s red and blue — see, I’M white! Get it?” She has more than a passing resemblance to Gloria Swanson in “Sunset Boulevard,” and the timing seems to be right as well. However, I’m not ready for her closeup.

  44. gbear

    I like how the beautifully scripted text on her running mate’s website says “Spirit One Christian Center … A Church Without Walls”, and then slapped right next to that is a box that says “Witchita Church Building For Sale”.

    There seems to be a story here that’s not being told…

  45. proudgrampa

    Oh, hell. She stole the idea from the guy who wrote “God is my Co-pilot.”

    She IS kinda cute, too bad she’s batshit crazy.

  46. comicbookguy

    God may be a board member, but he is also short-selling her stock.

    From God’s bio: In seeking His will, God is highly in favor of our proposed “justice amendment.”

    I’m God and I approved this message.

  47. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=626254]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I was thinking she looked a little bit like Dr. Frankenfurter.

  48. Cape Clod

    Where I live, when people start talking crazy shit like this, every effort is made to get them to start taking their medication again.

  49. JMP

    [re=626356]GuyClinch[/re]: [re=626370]PastorDave[/re]: So both corporeal members of the Association of Honest Attorneys are neither. Good work!

  50. sezme

    GOD sent her to make Brownback look like a reasonable alternative. Boy, I hate that GOD fellah.

  51. ForTheTurnstiles

    You know, she’s probably a pretty good lay. Republican helmet hair is a good cover for the goin’ rogue, the brownbacking/dirtpacking, all of it.

  52. progressiveinga

    Oh and look – Suzanne Somers is her campaign treasurer. Free ThighMaster with each donation so you can firm up with just a few squeezes a day!

  53. nappyduggs

    For the record, I am a native Kansan, so I hae every reason to believe that this story is accurate. Seriously. Not only this, but so many others JUST FUCKING LIKE IT. My beloved uncle, for instance, worked at Boeing for nigh on 30 years and lives in Wichita. He is a Black fellow who loves guns -I mean a whole lot- and has a room filled with John “Owww, My Colon” Wayne memoribilia. He also fancies he Lord. Crazy in KS is no respector of color or creed. Sorry this was a personal anecdote, but I dont/won’t relate these things to people in the real world.

    Also, my bff and I cussed at Sam Brownback when he came to speak at our HS. We got sent to detention (Guantanamo) for a week. Good times.

    Home on the (de)range, indeed.

  54. Undeterredbyreality

    [re=626269]Potater[/re]: S/he does seem to have an adam’s apple like that Coulter fellow.

  55. KeithinWash

    # Introduce a justice amendment offering effective assistance of counsel in a civil matter to those who can’t afford it

    Actually this is a good idea and there are many people working to see this happen. Of course sane people refer to it as “civil Gideon.”

  56. superconducting supercollider

    Other campaign promises:

    -Immediately establish investigations into wealthy Communist gangster playboy scum on top

    -Establish three-day waiting period for remote-control around-corners projection of electric deadly-touch tarantula spiders

    -Dispute unfunded Federal health care mandate to establish kosher bosher camouflaged
    miniature-hospital van trucks carrying unnecessary and expensive sealed Computer God
    Robot Operating Cabinet

    -Return to moon, arrest and try Gangster Computer God Brain Bank Brain in Admiralty court

  57. Limeylizzie

    [re=626298]annadynamite[/re]: I live a few blocks from that crazy preacher, James Manning, who called Hopey a “Long-legged Mack Daddy” and he always has crazy shit on his marquee saying that we elected a Taliban Muslim and the like and this is in Harlem, so I can only imagine the crazy in Kansas.

  58. Aerox

    Whoever runs the Wonkette Tee-Shirt Sweatshop needs to start making Marceaux/Heffington ’12 shirts IMMEDIATELY.

  59. Limeylizzie

    [re=626382]proudgrampa[/re]: Could you hate fuck her then and loosen her up a bit?

  60. RoscoePColtraine

    The first line of God’s bio reads:

    God is all about truth, love and justice, so He fits right in with the A.H.A!

    God conforms to the AHA standards for righteousness. I wonder how they ever found a way to overlook that whole “drown the earth” temper tantrum from a while back.

  61. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    [re=626370]PastorDave[/re]: “I haven’t violated any consumers,” Heffington said.

    Hahahaha, buyer beware, I guess?

  62. Jumping Jim

    Please God let her win. It is only Kansas after all and she did put you on the Board!

  63. Darkness

    is chief executive of an advocacy organization she named the Association for Honest Attorneys and . . . this confirms she is insane. That textbook crazy stuff before that . . . THAT could be faked. This, no.

    Oh, and other whackjobs are endorsing her. I pity the remaining handful of sane people in Kansas. Maybe time to just swap out the fluoride in the water for an antipsychotic.

  64. BadMFer

    I wonder if she has ever experienced 12 inches of chocolate delight. I’d me more than happy to show her that once you go black, you never go back

  65. uncletravelingmatt

    [re=626325]Lazy Media[/re]: At least one, Heffington v. Bob Cook Homes, et al, made it to the KS Court of Appeals. The ROA indicates the Heffingtons were displeased with the decision (affirming the judgment in a negligence case.) Sadly, Kansas charges a fee to search its District Ct. database. Probably lots of good stuff there.

  66. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=626336]Jim89048[/re]: The last line of her poem is wittily self-referential.

  67. GOPCrusher

    “Repeal the War Powers Act so that Congress and the people must vote on decisions to go to war”

    Was not aware that Kansas was at war with other countries, but I can support this idea.

  68. Meatmaker

    Wait — our government goes through the trouble of kidnapping and torturing someone, and inventing a virus-delivering pen, just to give them the flu? What happened to the CIA’s secret AIDS stockpile? What’s next, a postage stamp that causes uncomfortable anal itching?

  69. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=626493]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Sorry about that – but she was in a hurry to last night’s book burning and had to grab whatever was available.

  70. JMP

    [re=626501]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: I’d like to meet the fake lawyers of A HA in court; anyone that pathetic would lose when they take on me, take me on.

  71. Crazybroad

    I am an attorney. HONESTLY, these people are kooks and we should deport them to Arizona where we can keep them detained with a nice big fence around the whole state. Just being honest!

  72. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=626530]JMP[/re]: AHA is the source of all Rick Rolling? ahhhhhhh i hate them!!!!!!!

  73. PlanetWingnuta

    wondering who let the crazies out the asylum, when bush left the white house…there are far to many of them out there…

  74. One Yield Regular

    I’ll look forward to reading Heffington Post every day, once she gets it up and running.

  75. Autochthon

    [re=626536]pub_option[/re]: It’s just that “Blueberry Lane” sounds like the sort of ‘hood that Raggedy Ann and Strawberry Shortcake would hang out in – not the Queen of the Undead…

  76. BobTheBuilder

    God may be a reasonably trustworthy board member, but He always finds some flimsy excuse when it’s His turn to bring the meeting donuts.

  77. TheWaltonFirm

    [re=626325]Lazy Media[/re]: I used to work in a Kinkos and these types of peole were always making tons of copies, because whatever Neighborhood Association Meeting or Municipal Court trial or whatever they were on their way too, they always had something incredibly complicated to explain, and handouts were necessary.

  78. superfecta

    This is tremendous. I have a good friend of the (presumably dishonest) attorney persuasion who represents people like her not infrequently. They usually end up jumping the White House fence because they really need to tell the president about how the CIA/Lizard People/aliens should stop implanting things in their brains, despite the apparent ample room for these devices.

  79. Barrelhse

    [re=626282]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Thx, M.Grumpe- now I know where to send all these used condoms and stuff.

  80. GreenHalo

    [re=626382]proudgrampa[/re]: Batshit crazy she may be, but I’ve been stung too often to go with “cute.”

    Running shorts, shiny tights and trainers (one leg cocked “hello sailor” fashion), with maybe an American flag tossed casually over the back of a chair, or GTFO.

    (A Li’l Bo Peep or Officer McStripper Halloween costume is acceptable, but foreshortening the perspective to make her hits loom like Gothic architecture automatically costs one letter grade…. Staging the shot in a bar is an automatic fail. A Bo Peep with a belt-slide holster containing an unlicensed handgun supercedes all the above rules and wins the Internet.)

  81. BobTheBuilder

    I am having naughty mental images of her shutting the door to her book-laden office, unbuttoning that Star Trek straitjacket outfit, and doing unmentionable things to me with those long, graceful fingers.

  82. doloras

    [re=626451]superconducting supercollider[/re]: Francis E. Dec! Your only hope for a future!

  83. Barrelhse

    [re=626911]BobTheBuilder[/re]: Bob, you can mention them here. I think its encouraged for some reason.

Comments are closed.