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I am a beautiful cheetah, running and running and running for office.The year A.D. 2010 will surely go down in the history book-blogs as the Year of the Exotic Candidate, when a survey of the American voting landscape became something akin to taking a glorious safari tour through a parallel universe or maybe a different galaxy. Our latest unusual specimen is Kansas gubernatorial candidate Joan Heffington, who runs a nonprofit listing GOD as a board member. Let’s learn more!

The Topeka Capital-Journal reports that they called up Heffington — who is running against Sam Brownback in the Republican primary — and she allegedly told them these interesting things:

  • “…covert government operatives are infiltrating hospitals in Kansas and elsewhere to conduct biological and chemical warfare experiments on unsuspecting patients.”
  • “In February, she said, she learned operatives implanted microchips in a man who had refused to give the government a lucrative invention he had created. The microchips were transported through a window and into the man’s body using a satellite, she said. ‘The technology is so advanced that they can do it that way,’ she said.”
  • “A 22-year-old man was unlawfully detained, tortured and infected with H1N1 by operatives after discovering that Guantanamo Bay detainees were secretly being flown to McConnell Air Force Base, Heffington said. She believes a pen was used to deliver the virus.”
  • “The state of Kansas is operating under a dictatorial French law that the CIA helped establish here in the 1950s, Heffington said. ‘They needed a state where unsuspecting people could be treated like guinea pigs so they could try out their covert activities,’ she said.”
  • “Heffington founded and is chief executive of an advocacy organization she named the Association for Honest Attorneys. The group’s website lists three board members: Heffington, director Cortland Berry and God, who is identified as ‘our most trustworthy board member.'”
  • “If elected, Heffington said, she would sign no law unless it was supported by at least two-thirds of Kansans. She said she would conduct a survey on each bill. “I’m going to do my own poll,” she said. ‘I’ll make sure it’s fair. I will have a statistician.'”

Heffington is a former Boeing employee and homebuilder from around Wichita. She uses lots of little crosses on her campaign materials, because GOD the Board Member told her to be consistent in her branding and design. Her running mate is a pastor who used his church’s billboard thingy to inform “America” that it has a muslin president, which makes GOD angry. When she becomes governor, she will “require that a Biblical and Constitutional reason exist for the passage of any new laws.”

Joan Heffington is what Thomas Frank was talking about, when he wrote that book Damn, Kansas — You’re Sooo Fucked Up. [Joan Heffington/Topeka Capital Journal/The Post Chronicle]

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