bir cert or u cant run

Tom Tancredo Running To Be John Elway of Colorado Government

Just getting more and more prominent and important.After threatening hilariously last week, former Republican presidential candidate and very current birther / Muslin-hater Tom Tancredo has finally announced that he is indeed running for governor of Colorado, home of mile-high testicle oysters and the Broncos foot ball équipe. Tancredo is not contesting the Republican nomination, however, as he seems afraid to lose. Instead he is running as a member of the American Constitution Party, so as to achieve maximum assholishness in the general election.

Cute! Your next governor is going to be fun, Colorado. All public business will be conducted in textin’ speak. [Denver Post]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

56 comments

  1. comicbookguy

    He should do well in the general election… Unless they implement some kind of literacy test for voters.

  2. Lazy Media

    AAAANND Colorado winds up with a Democrat in the governor’s mansion. Good work, Agent Tancredo! Sorry that no one will ever know the truth of your patriotic mission.

  3. JMP

    Awesome. Hey, think we can convince Heyworth to run as the Constitution party candidate after McCain beats him for the nomination?

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — the Constitution Party is apparently the home of people who don’t think the GOP invokes God enough:

    The Constitution Party gratefully acknowledges the blessing of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as Creator, Preserver and Ruler of the Universe and of these United States. We hereby appeal to Him for mercy, aid, comfort, guidance and the protection of His Providence as we work to restore and preserve these United States.

    In other words: Help us, Jesus-in-a-tricorner-hat, you’re our only hope!

  5. Barrelhse

    [re=625941]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Genetic science has recently shown that some people carry DNA from Neanderthal’s. I suspect a direct correlation here.

  6. mcc

    Now we just need to bring back the National Law party and everything will be hilarious.

    I’m hoping this somehow leads to people finally starting to notice the links between the Constitution party and Ron/Rand Paul.

  7. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=625941]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Ironically, the actual Jesus, of whom the bible speaks, seemed rather aloof to the issues of earthly politics. The Constitution Party is barking up the wrong tree here!

  8. 2goats

    “Years since then Tom has carried the torch. Doing whatever it takes to protect our borders, the language of our country’s founders and to save our shared American culture.”*

    Did the FF’s also have trouble with sentence structure?

    * TomTancredo.org

  9. Tommmcatt

    I agree with the tweet. Tancredo’s BO should be listed as one of the 3 great current threats to this nation- right after Forced Gun Registration and Canadians.

  10. rottenart

    [re=625928]Lazy Media[/re]: Bonus points for a name as awesome as “Hickenlooper”.

  11. Lazy Media

    [re=625959]2goats[/re]: By the way, Mr. Tancredo, the descendants of the founding fathers should be able to protect the supremacy of white, English-speaking America without needing your greaseball Dago assistance. But thanks!

  12. inedalo

    [re=625946]Barrelhse[/re]: please do not demean Neanderthals. they were nice people who liked to sing, but had some autistic-type social problems; and often had red hair.

  13. inedalo

    does Tancredo sound like a real American name? they were no Tancredos, methinks, on the Mayflower.

  14. GOPCrusher

    I don’t think it’s fair to single out the Muslims. Tancredo hates all non-white, non-Xtian people equally.

  15. avoidinggradingpapers

    [re=625965]rottenart[/re]: My sister is the Hickenlooper’s nanny…we often refer to their little boy (Teddy) as Loopy Teddenhicker or Hickey Loopentedder or Hoopy Lickentedder. We hope his dad makes gov for lots of reasons, but the name is a big one.

  16. dr.giraud

    [re=625971]Lazy Media[/re]: As my always-ready-with-an-ethnic-slur uncle would have said, “Another Guinea made good.”

  17. hockeymom

    My favorite Tancredo story? When he had his media room in the basement built completely by illegal immigrants. Then blamed his wife for hiring them.

  18. just pixels

    I used to live in Colorado, home of Focus on the Family and the People’s Republic of Boulder. The air is a little thin which may explain why so people out there just want the government to leave them alone. “County Health Department employees are forbidden to trespass on my land” was one example. (The homeowner’s sewage was draining into Boulder Creek.)

    Anyway, they want low taxes (who doesn’t) and lean government. Except when there’s forest fire. Then it was all “where are the slurry bombers? where are the rescue crews? why aren’t there more fire trucks?” A few burned mountain McMansions and suddenly they’re registered Socialists.

    Same thing happened to the Republicans after 9/11. There was no price — in money, lives, lost liberties, American values — they thought was too high when it came to fighting terrorists. When it comes to security, they’re more collectivist than John Galt’s worst nightmares.

    Back to Tancredo: He’s deeply doesn’t understand what America really is. A place where everyone mixes together, where frictions spur new ideas, where we live, argue and build in a chaos that mysteriously makes things better than in the past.

  19. chascates

    Tom, this may play well with the base but I assure you that Colorado, just like Texas, California, et al., depend on illegal immigrants to do our shitty, dangerous, low-paying jobs. The beef industry in Colorado (and surrounding states) ain’t gonna to pony up for your glorious reich.

  20. The Names Jesus

    @2goats: By the way, Mr. Tancredo, the descendants of the founding fathers should be able to protect the supremacy of white, English-speaking America without needing your greaseball Dago assistance. But thanks!

    @Lazy Media: As my always-ready-with-an-ethnic-slur uncle would have said, “Another Guinea made good.”

    Actually, a few of us have done well and look around the country has benefited. That said, this cocksucker is going to turn me into a self-hating Italian.

    Oh, one other thing,this…..does Tancredo sound like a real American name? they were no Tancredos, methinks, on the Mayflower.

    Yea, the Mayflower is the bottom line when it comes to being Murican. You might want to review your history.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    [re=625934]JMP[/re]: I would be happy to join you if you’d like to set up a J.D. Hayworth Constitution Party candidacy as a stealth mission.

  22. Jukesgrrl

    [re=626055]The Names Jesus[/re]: The Mayflower might be the bottom line when it comes to being “Murican,” but it never seems to occur to Tom and his pals that actual NATIVE residents of the Americas had several languages, none of which was English … or Italian.

  23. bbqboy

    [re=626005]hockeymom[/re]:
    That’s cuz the TV only picked up Univision & Telemundo.
    Boy, was he pissed at those crafty illegal cable guys!

  24. DangerousLiberal

    [re=625928]Lazy Media[/re]: We’ve finally found the antidote to Ralph Nader. Thus, dumbass partisan idealist crybabies = MoveOn = Teaparty. It’s all getting clearer now….

  25. Mad Brahms

    [re=625941]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, they’re the actual real, authentic Dominionists who think that the U.S. is founded upon and beholden to a very specifically Christian God. I bet Native Americans just love em’!

  26. Darkness

    [re=625953]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I don’t know about that. “Render unto Caesar” was some mad politicking.

  27. just pixels

    [re=625941]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Funny how them founding fathers forgot to put that sentiment in the actual Constitution. I mean, they could have said

    Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except Christianity, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof….

    Or called the new nation “The United Christian States of America”.

    The Constitution is also about what is doesn’t say. If the “plain language” is supposed to be understood within a context present day advocates presume the founders took for granted, then the floodgates are open. Any interpretation that can be tied to paleo-telepathy is valid.

    Here’s mine: By free speech, they meant free WiFi.

  28. Clankie

    Everybody remembers that this is the same guy who suggested bombing Mecca in the event of a future Muslin Terror Attack! ▲

  29. Geogre

    [re=626070]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Mayflower isn’t even the bottom line for being a European American. Aside from all those darn Messicans who were here already, miscegenatin’ away in the sun, my ancestors were down there in “Virginia” (actually North Carolina) thinking they were going to get rich.

    Re: just pixels: The context they insist upon is entirely manufactured. The actual context of most of the founders was deism or deism-light. They were skeptical of revealed religion and mostly searching for rational and natural religion, as was the vogue among radical Whigs of the day (which is what they were). If we have to have a modern analog, they’d be Unitarians.

  30. Poisoned Rationality

    [re=625931]Gratuitous World[/re]: Awesome … was ‘fumbling’ around for that joke myself

  31. rottenart

    [re=626106]just pixels[/re]: “By free speech, they meant free WiFi.”

    Hear Hear! And a hearty hurrah to you, sir!

    [re=626120]Geogre[/re]: God bless the UUs. They truly are the forgotten sect of X-tianity.

    But… I bet they’re numero uno on Beckster’s “Social Justice Hitlist”!

  32. IceCreamEmpress

    I am a Mayflower descendant, and I believe I speak for an awful lot of my fellow drunken WASPs when I say “STFU TANCREDO.”

    Not because he is Italian, but because he is an abject horse’s ass.

    Though some of my uncles would probably have said it because he is Italian. However, they’re all dead now, whereas Tancredo is part of the Orange Who Walk Among Us, so I guess he wins.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    [re=626106]just pixels[/re]: It’s no coincidence that many of the folks who advocate this point of view are themselves pastors, since they spend lots of their time getting the Bible to say whatever they want it to say. Giving a willful person the techniques to extract any kind of meaning from a text and then reinforcing that with the belief that God sanctions anything you say or do will result in myriad fucked-up interpretations of the Constitution.

    Like, for instance, that our founding document acknowledges the Christian deity because it uses “In the year of Our Lord One Thousand Seven Hundred and Eight-Seven” as part of the date. Which is akin to saying that we’re all Catholic because we follow the Gregorian calendar. But yet the argument never goes away.

    You would think it would suffice for the consideration of future lawmakers that the only two times religion is mentioned are in the amendment keeping Congress from doing anything about it and Article six, section three wherein our allegedly deeply religious founding fathers permitted no test of religion as a requirement for public office of any kind.

    But no — they keep finding hidden meanings and coded passages and subtle references to The LORD, the same way a stalker finds hidden messages from his favorite celebrity in cereal ads and the way the bus driver looks at him. And they focus on such founding fathers as Button Gwinnett, whom nobody would’ve heard of at all if he weren’t some sort of insane, bitter Christian.

    Anyway, though they are impervious to evidence, there is much to be had. I just finished reading Moral Minority: Our Skeptical Founding Fathers by Brooke Allen, and it’s just chock full of useful information and highly readable.

  34. Barrelhse

    [re=626055]The Names Jesus[/re]: Trivia: There was, in fact, a T.Tancredo on the Mayflower. He was granted passage on the terms that he would serve full-time in the apple barrel, now more widely known as a “glory hole,” during the Atlantic crossing.

  35. mumblyjoe

    [re=626120]Geogre[/re]: In fact, most of the “religious” ones, the ones who weren’t deists, were, in fact, Unitarians. Funny story.

  36. Geogre

    [re=626138]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I do, really, hope that the work puts them in a continental context. In addition to the mistake of picking through whole lives’ works to find words that can justify their ideas, the other mistake people in the U.S. make with the “founders” is to think of them as “Americans.” They were British subjects until the declaration, and they were trained in Continental thought, participants in English philosophy and law, and anyone who doesn’t look at England 1740-70 when analyzing the “founders” is missing out.

  37. Geogre

    [re=626160]mumblyjoe[/re]: Yep, “Congregationalist” movement and Unitarian Church (although it did mean something different from what it does today, so we can’t do a 1:1 translation).

    There were established church people, and there were dissenting protestants.

    RoscoePColetrane is right, though: anyone who tries to make the Gospel a political document does so by sacrificing the Gospel itself. Jesus had a Zealot disciple who said, essentially, “Now that you’ve got a following, let’s kick out the Romans,” and Jesus said, “That’s not power.” The “Give unto Caesar” was a direct command to pay taxes. In fact, when an improper and unjust arrest was underway, Peter would have fought back (exercised his 2nd amendment rights!), and Jesus said, “Put away your sword” and went along with the arrest, the beating, and the crucifixion.

    Now, these folks reject “tradition,” but Augustine’s The City of God kind of lays it all out.

  38. Lazy Media

    [re=626055]The Names Jesus[/re]: Facepalm. Nobody here thinks ill of Italian-Americans (really, does any thinking person anywhere?) We were making fun of Mr. Tancredo’s nativism by taking it to its illogical extreme. ‘S called comedy.

  39. Oblios Cap

    [re=626168]Lazy Media[/re]:

    Yeah. We would hate to have him make us “an offer that we cannot refuse”.

  40. Clankie

    [re=626168]Lazy Media[/re]:
    I think plenty of ill of Italian-Americans. Name two good things about them that don’t involve food or movies about their only successful financial venture, the mafia. A bunch of criminal thug whore perverts. And that’s not saying anything about the cast of the Jersey Shore.
    Nah, I’m just messin’ with ya. This is great news, though, for all Coloradans, as it essentially guarantees a Hickenlooper Gubernatorial Victory, which is the most polysyllabic kind of Victory there is.

  41. Clankie

    [re=626220]Jim89048[/re]:
    Steakhouse owner.
    I’m pretty sure he was a car salesman even when he was a football player.
    He’s flirted openly with the idea of politics a couple times. God help us all if this were to ever happen. There’s pretty much no way he could lose an election in this state. We’re such a bunch of hick jock rednecks, as I believe South Park put it.

  42. misterpearce

    [re=626220]Jim89048[/re]: No, now he runs a chain of steak houses cleverly named “Elways”.

  43. hiphophitler

    “Assholishness” is vulgar. I believe you mean “assholicity” or “assholitude.”

  44. Jim89048

    [re=626226]Clankie[/re]: From wiki:
    He still owns two Toyota Scion dealerships, one in Manhattan Beach, California and another in Ontario, California and a Nissan dealership in Riverside, California
    Not very Merkin of him, ya axe me.

Comments are closed.