John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party’s presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular, or at least politically entrenched), and his primary opponent is a lunatic infomercial star with an unsettling frog-like smile (proving that he should win). And yet John McCain is obviously terrified of J.D. “Frogface” Hayworth, because he is hiding behind the enormous piles of cash that he has lying around his many mansions. (Freud believed that money is what politicians want to have sex with, instead of their mothers, for comfort.) What exactly is John McCain so afraid of?
How much money has Walnuts spent in his primary race, exactly? A lot, if you consider $16 million a lot, which John McCain probably doesn’t because he is so very wealthy. But it is almost 5 percent of what he spent on his entire presidential campaign! Perhaps those who donated to him could have used it to buy nice things for their families, considering all the advantages that McCain ought to have. Still, better safe than sorry, considering that all of John McCain’s friends (Bob Bennett, Arlen Specter) failed to spend enough money to save themselves, and considering that J.D. Hayworth has just unleashed an absolutely devastating ad showing McCain’s sordid sodomy affair with Ted Kennedy and makeout session with Barack Obama:
A recent poll has McCain ahead of Hayworth 64 percent to 19 percent, so maybe he just really, really likes spending other people’s money to run up the score on his opponents. Instead of writing this sad old man a check, why not buy a WonketteMart Walnuts t-shirt, for dudes or for ladies? You will not regret it! [WP]
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And there’s no way his pals Lindsey and Joe L. can come campaign for him. He has to make a show of moving to the far right so he can hoodwink the brain dead hicks in Arizona to send him back to DC for another 6 years.
Yeah but how much of that $16M is Cindy’s beer money? I’m guessing none, since only a few politicians are crazy/needy enough to spend their own money to buy love from the electorate.
And here’s yer proof that it’s not even Cindy’s money, let alone Juan’s alone:
http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=AZS1&cycle=2010
There’s a Wonkette store!?
Can I get a t-shirt with free government money? I saw on the teeV that there was government cash! waiting for me that I could use for mortgages and t-shirts and diapers. Whenever I think “John McCain,” that’s what I think of.
It’s money well spent. Well spent for the corporate donors, that is, who have an ancient, unprincipled powerhouse of the Senate bought and paid for now. Just ask Charles Keating, McCain’s a good investment.
New slogan:
4 more years! Maybe 5 or 6 with a bypass.
SnorgTeeGurl or GTFO.
The fact there is anyone anywhere still willing to vote for Walnuts! after seeing him stagger and lurch around on stage mid-stroke screams volumes about Arizona. And that still NEVER gets old.
[re=625667]V572625694[/re]: I like how the source of his campaign cash is mostly “other”, which suggests it comes under the table, in a brown bag.
“What exactly is John McCain so afraid of?” I’m going to guess having to spend time with his wife who freezes his testicles with one glance of her cold, dead eyes.
[re=625667]V572625694[/re]: ZERO percent self-financing? Does he ever even have to buy his own meals or drinks? Jesus.
Step One: Move to state full of rich loonies.
Step Two: Pander.
Step Three: PROFIT!!!
It’s even better than the Underpants Gnomes!
[re=625693]Sparky McGruff[/re]: Perhaps the “Other” comes from his reptilian alien overlords via their intergalatic precious minerals mining operations.
[re=625686]Mr Blifil[/re]: I wonder if Meghan McCain’s available.
She’s got t-shirt modeling experience…
Maybe McCain will have swung so far to the right that Arizona’s Democrats will be something besides a mirage this election. But then again, since McCain is the new Ronald Reagan, how could anyone not vote for him, since Reagan is the epitome of America, democracy and freedom and all that.
Now that I think of it, it makes sense for McCain and Hayworth to be locked in battle — but really, it should be over which of their two competing Phoenix-area Ford dealerships has the most sales, not something serious.
I’ll bet Cindy is willing to spend w-a-a-y more than $16 million to keep him out of the house for another six years.
[re=625699]chascates[/re]: [re=625693]Sparky McGruff[/re]: That’s one interesting little Web site, ain’t it?
Cindy McCain’s money is what I want to have sex with, for, among other benefits, comfort, but I’m not a politician so Freud don’t know from nothing about little odd me.
Meanwhile, some wise words for Walnuts:
Keep off the path, beware the gate,
watch out for signs that say “hidden driveways”.
Don’t let the chlorine in your eyes
blind you to the awful surprise
that’s waitin’ for you at
the bottom of the bottomless blue blue blue pool.
[re=625686]Mr Blifil[/re]: Now that is something all Americans, and probably even Mexicans, can agree with. Although she has never responded to my emails, and after all those days I’ve spent scrolling through the catalogue with just one hand.
[re=625697]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Good guess. My theory is that he is scared about having to actually live in Arizona amongst the Olds and the Mexicans.
McCain spends $16 million he doesn’t need to spend. Meg Whitman spends $80 million just on a bloody primary election. And THESE are the people always ranting about how spending’s out of control? THESE are the people we’re supposed to entrust with being fiscally conservative?
Hayworth went a’coutin’, mmm hmm.
I knew it. McCain is a collaborator.
One Yield Regular: Amen!
I personally think he likes torture if he keeps running for office!
The pathetic part is that John McCain, after 124 years in the senate, has to outspend some nutball 10 to 1 for the Republican PRIMARY in the parched, lifeless shuffleboard court that is the state of Arizona. Where are his wife and daughter? Over in the condo/bomb shelter/oxy lounge in Coronado?
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