This won’t come as a terrible surprise to anyone, I imagine, but the BP board is set to accept my resignation Monday evening and then all the oil in your Gulf waters will simply evaporate, as it was all my fault. Bit of levity, right? This will be my final contribution to your Wonkette, as well, and I can’t say I’ll miss this exercise in self-flagellation. Bob Dudley will take over formally, I’m told, and I do hope his “born on the bayou” muck-savage routine wins over your muppet news presenters.
Apologies for all my numpty remarks about the cleanup workers having “food poisoning” when the dispersants made them ill. Very sorry about that whole “I’d like my life back” cock-up, too — although it did provide a title for this column, didn’t it? And while catching shrimps hardly seems like a career anyone would embark upon unless all the better options panned out, I sincerely regret the loss of these people’s livelihoods.
But you’re probably wondering what I’ll be up to once my already diminished duties are formally handed off. Don’t take offense if a holiday on your Gulf Shores isn’t on my list. I do fancy a weekend on the water but I prefer the clear blue variety, seen from the vantage of my yacht, a whiskey in my hand and America most certainly not troubling my mind.
In closing, I truly hope this crisis is abated and that BP shares do recover, as I’ve still got an arse-load of the stuff.
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Step 2: Get hired by Dick Cheney’s lobbying firm.
Step 3: ????
Step 4: PROFIT!
The two happiest days in an oil scum’s life: the day he becomes CEO and the day he golden parachutes out.
Sailing into the sunset with a boatload of cash.
The use of “shrimps” as a plural form is a masterly touch!
You do know that “panned out” means success, as in “The stream panned out, gold was found,” right?
Are you going for some Oxbridge reference to Pan as an adolescent boy, gay icon, or mythical being?
[re=625183]riverside68[/re]: Is there something in the air/water/cheetos these days bringing you guys out of the woodwork?
Out of respect for the troops, hire Palin! Her experience as mayor of Wasilla and as a grizzly mama, makes her exceedingly well qualified for the job. She can then truly bring to life “drill baby drill”. (Unless that was some sex thing I completely misunderstood.)
After hiring Dick Cheney’s lobbyists, they then decided to get a “local” who would impose American style, “Be grateful my private security goons don’t shoot you, you lazy scum reporters. If you want me to speak to you, you have to submit the questions in advance” fellow. We don’t object to him, of course.
Haywood was simply a twit. Settles is a douche.
Hooray for Americans!
[re=625184]x111e7thst[/re]: They must live on Nitpicking Layne.
[re=625187]Radiotherapy[/re]: They work for the Picayune.
My only question is will he shat out the Republicans he’s got wedged in his rectum before he goes or will the southern states need appoint fresh ones?
I realize this may seem a petty question to some, but he’s got half the Texas delegation massaging his prostate 24/6 (Sunday is a day of rest).
[re=625184]x111e7thst[/re]:
It’s Sunday and all the seasoned Wonketeers know what that means.
Ken is semi-sober.
As a result he’s hung over and reading the comments,
(or expressed poetically “the ban-hammer stalks the unwary”).
If the young red shirt wants to beam down with the landing party, who are we to complain?
[re=625184]x111e7thst[/re]: Yes, there’s got to be something:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c6HsiixFS8
[re=625185]just pixels[/re]: Also, don’t forget her extensive education and experience as a journalist!
[re=625183]riverside68[/re]: I’m wondering how things will pan out for you now, as in this version: http://www.usingenglish.com/reference/phrasal-verbs/pan+out.html. I’m thinking the loving touch of the Gotterbannerung.
[re=625184]x111e7thst[/re]: Besides the fact they realise they are not going to have this imaginary takeover in November that they were counting on?
With all this horrible heat, how has the oil not combusted already and saved Mr Bean’s jobbyjob? I think I might feel better if I combusted.
[re=625183]riverside68[/re]: Second one today to “play chicken” with the lords of the Banhammer. Keep playing amateur copy editor, everyone treasures them. Sort of like watching bugs fly into the zapper, a little blue arc and then a wisp of smoke.
Hayward/al-Gaddafi 2012!
Wait… why is Layne telecommuting on a Sunday?
Buh bye, Tony! Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
[re=625198]Oldskool[/re]: Water-Wars coming soon to someplace near you.
They are of course already happening, in Chad, Sudan, and other places no one really cares that much about.
Now I haz and must go sulk.
And the next time BP spills oil off the coast of Africa will The Dud have to join Tony in the Hobo Hamptons while a Nairobi chieftain takes over?
He forgot to unleash the dispersant-soaked hounds.
He should rename his yacht ‘The Sad.’
As long as the gnat nit picking lamp is lit, I have a minor WTF with the Bob Dudley link. HTF did Dudley Do-right get a BA in ChemE at Illinois? BS or GTFO, at least at Urbana. Yo, Tony. Can you shed some light on that svp?
gnat nit off/
Where are the real trolls, though? Pulling wings off rhetorical gnats? Naaaa. We want some serious teatardly libations, serious snark, or GTFO. We got Timmy Geithner now in love and wanting sexy time with Elizabeth Warren. We got the Department of Cowshit Secretary Tom Vilsack and the NAACP chasing after Breitbart with lip balm and knee pads. Wasn’t there was enough stuff this week to give some teatarder sufficient huevos to jump in here and take a swing so we can all call him/her a poopyhead?
Y’know, considering the amount of oil, this has all turned out pretty low stress, so far. The pelican scrubbers are practically quitting for lack of work, and they’ve opened up a bunch of the fishing territory that was closed. Touch wood, this could be a zillion times less horrible than it first looked.
Or, a big storm could push all the remaining oil slicks ashore along the entire Florida coast aaaaannnd we’re fucked. Fingers crossed.
One life, coming right up. Would you like to super-size it?
[re=625194]predilectrix[/re]: The definition you have referenced in your posting is not equivalent to the usage in Mr. Layne’s parody, I regret to say.
Fucking elitist Tony.
It’s pronounced “scrimps”.
The most successful British-American experience since those of John Burgoyne and Earl Cornwallis.
[re=625183]riverside68[/re]: Clearly it was a case of thinking of Peter Pan. They meant “petered out” and said “panned out”. There’s a name for that sort of error but it escapes me.
Tony will slink away with oily bags of golden parachute bucks and BP will replace him with someone or something much slimier.
I just heard he’s getting 18 million.
[re=625224]Ripley_in_CT[/re]: The Peter Principle?
Ha ha now he has no jerb.
[re=625192]Imusthaveleftmyhouseat8[/re]: I can’t even tell if that’s a cunning hoax, but who ever can? [see the epistemology of Andrew J. Breitbart] Commenter startay8082 has both options well covered: stay in school; meth is not cool.
[re=625224]Ripley_in_CT[/re]: A ‘spoonerism’?
[re=625217]Lazy Media[/re]: Guess we know who’s winning the spin war.
[re=625183]riverside68[/re]: I just rode in on a Satyr, and boy, am I Panned out.
Ripley_in_CT: A malapropism? Pulling a boehner?
[re=625231]chascates[/re]: no, not that. my quick inexpert research (i.e., i spent three minutes noodling about on wikipedia) indicates it may have been the grimy women’s undergarment worn by doktor sigmund during his dark nights of drag, when he was strung out on cocaine and playing games with a cigar that would make the likes of monica and bill quail in terror.
obligatory:
FU*BP
[re=625227]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: more in the neighborhood of 15 million. The speaking engagements and book deal will close that gap faster than BP can shut off a…..
[re=625217]Lazy Media[/re]: Whoa.
You’re seeing the spin, guy. The lazy media has been given the stories (sorry… “access”) about great fishing, unpolluted beaches, etc., and they want the story to go away, too, because it’s tiring out the attention spans, and the Fall line up of celebutantes in distress is coming up.
The pelican scrubbers were prevented from scrubbing in the first place by armies of “private contractors” under license and contract to not talk. The polluted areas are still off limits to journalists, and there is still collusion with the local law enforcement sending press calls directly to BP. Look at Mac McClellan’s coverage in Mother Jones. She’s been hanging with the clean up guys.
By the way, I’ll be sending you Yanks a bill for blackening your redfish for you.
Well I couldn’t get my post on Vlad and Bush talking about Iraq and Afganistan posted yesterday, so I thought I was already banned and might as well try to draw some fire.
I gotta say of the dozen or so posts I have made in the last five years, this one has generated the most response. I guess everyone loves to watch and see how a Pan provoking a ban-hammer pans out. (Maybe I should check out that shrimping business, just in case.)
[re=625185]just pixels[/re]: Remembers: Sarah knowz energy! Walnuts said so!
[re=625213]JackDempsey[/re]: Thought they were using the oil-skimming Krakens. WTF? Change of tactics?
Hooray, now all the oil will magically vanish overnight and the gulf coast will be brimming with unicorns and rainbows quicker than you can say “well-paid scapegoat”.
Too soon.
I hear his parachute is worth some $17 million.
That wouldn’t clean up a lot of beaches, Tony…but it’s a start.
[re=625295]riverside68[/re]: Posting. Ur doin it rong.
Since the loss of his job is a direct result of the oil volcano will Hayward’s – CEO Extraordinaire – platinum parachute be paid out of the $20 bn fund? Sadly I think it will.
[re=625237]slappypaddy[/re]: Who says the Internetz can’t be educamational? I didn’t know that Sigmund was an aficionado of the carnal cigar arts.
Belatedly . . . thank you for using the term “muck-savage”.
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