Michelle popped some bubbly down in Mississippi on Friday to celebrate the week she beat hubby Barack at the old “Guess how many people like me better than you?” game. Oh, and it was also to christen some Coast Guard ship named after the first female commissioned officer, but the crowd was too distracted by the first lady’s powerful arms swinging around a bottle of party juice to remember the actual point of the festivities. Yes, America, last week you were asked the crucial economic question, “If you were trapped on an island with Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, former sexy president Bill Clinton, and noted wordsmith Sarah Palin, which celebrity would you appoint to protect you from radioactive, oil-soaked wildlife and socialism?”
With new Gallup approval numbers of 66%, Michelle Obama would easily be voted supreme ruler of the island, for being fabulous. Bill received a 61% approval rating, but is expected to fail miserably in a follow-up poll gauging Americans’ faith in his ability to keep that popularity in his pants. Barack Obama would be sent away on a raft to Cuba, and Sarah Palin would be made Island Jester.
Aside from the 25% of Americans who are angry at FLOTUS for eliminating Twinkies and Tang from their diabetic children’s lunch menus, and some sort of rule that probably exists prohibiting first ladies from leading a coup d’état against their husbands, Michelle’s only obstacle to power is the 1% of so-called Americans who have “never heard of” America’s greatest first lady. This could be due to the fact that Michelle’s “public appearances” occur at elitist events like her daughters’ piano recitals and Coast Guard ship christenings, things Americans tend to avoid when there are marathons of Jersey Shore on the teevee, but 4% of Americans claim they’ve never heard of Barack Obama and 2% have never heard of Sarah Palin.
So if Michelle can’t take the reins on this thing and send Barack out on a smoke break for the next two years, these numbers at least demonstrate that our President has some things to learn from his better half. For starters, he should stop tidying up wars and giving health care to poor people. These are not things Americans care about or want to happen. He should instead follow Michelle’s lead and spend his days exercising with fat children, working in the vegetable garden, and wearing Michelle’s signature summer look: white pants. The people have spoken, and they want more white pants. [Gallup]
Blair Burke (firstname.lastname@example.org) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.