flotus files

America’s Most Tolerable People Are Michelle Obama & Bill Clinton

That's MRS. Flotus to you ....Michelle popped some bubbly down in Mississippi on Friday to celebrate the week she beat hubby Barack at the old “Guess how many people like me better than you?” game. Oh, and it was also to christen some Coast Guard ship named after the first female commissioned officer, but the crowd was too distracted by the first lady’s powerful arms swinging around a bottle of party juice to remember the actual point of the festivities. Yes, America, last week you were asked the crucial economic question, “If you were trapped on an island with Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, former sexy president Bill Clinton, and noted wordsmith Sarah Palin, which celebrity would you appoint to protect you from radioactive, oil-soaked wildlife and socialism?”

With new Gallup approval numbers of 66%, Michelle Obama would easily be voted supreme ruler of the island, for being fabulous. Bill received a 61% approval rating, but is expected to fail miserably in a follow-up poll gauging Americans’ faith in his ability to keep that popularity in his pants. Barack Obama would be sent away on a raft to Cuba, and Sarah Palin would be made Island Jester.

Aside from the 25% of Americans who are angry at FLOTUS for eliminating Twinkies and Tang from their diabetic children’s lunch menus, and some sort of rule that probably exists prohibiting first ladies from leading a coup d’état against their husbands, Michelle’s only obstacle to power is the 1% of so-called Americans who have “never heard of” America’s greatest first lady. This could be due to the fact that Michelle’s “public appearances” occur at elitist events like her daughters’ piano recitals and Coast Guard ship christenings, things Americans tend to avoid when there are marathons of Jersey Shore on the teevee, but 4% of Americans claim they’ve never heard of Barack Obama and 2% have never heard of Sarah Palin.

So if Michelle can’t take the reins on this thing and send Barack out on a smoke break for the next two years, these numbers at least demonstrate that our President has some things to learn from his better half. For starters, he should stop tidying up wars and giving health care to poor people. These are not things Americans care about or want to happen. He should instead follow Michelle’s lead and spend his days exercising with fat children, working in the vegetable garden, and wearing Michelle’s signature summer look: white pants. The people have spoken, and they want more white pants. [Gallup]

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Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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0 comments

  1. Sparky McGruff

    4% of Americans claim they’ve never heard of Barack Obama

    I suspect that’s because they know him as THAT HALFRICAN OBAMAR, or THAT BLACK SOCIALIST MUSLIN WHO IS TAKIN OUR FREEDOMS!!1!

  2. plowman

    What would really set things off would be including Jean Kirkpatrick, the young and alive version of course.

  3. Terry

    I think if those folks were stranded on a desert island, the Obamas and Clinton would all get annoyed at Palin for being bone idle lazy and whining all the time. She’d be chum within 24 hours.

  4. JMP

    Assuming they’re actually telling the truth, 2% of Americans are very, very lucky.

    [re=625569]Sparky McGruff[/re]: Wait, you don’t it makes sense for 3% of the population to have heard of the wife of the President, but not the President himself?

  5. chascates

    I hope Wonkette doesn’t run polls about Michelle’s latest fashion choices they way Huffington Post does.

  6. user-of-owls

    [re=625584]samsuncle[/re]: [re=625585]JMP[/re]: That just means 2 of every 100 Americans have spent the last 2-3 years with their fingers in their ears and singing, “la la la, I can’t hear you” over and over again.

  7. nonbeliever7

    Hmmm..2 sexy looking middle aged women. One with high favorable ratings and one not. Maybe…just maybe, there’s something important other than looks (ya know, personality, charm, intelligence, credibility). For this week at least, America still has a fighting chance of surviving.

  8. freakishlystrong

    Considering the current revisionist history going on, I wonder what the percentage of people would be that would claim never to have heard of Dubya?

  9. Manos: Hands of Fate

    So the secret to staying popular to avoid holding elected office. Thanks pollsters.

  10. PineyWoodster

    [re=625599]nonbeliever7[/re]: “Hmmm..2 sexy looking middle aged women.”

    No, one sexy looking middle aged woman and one skank from Alaska…

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Wait — so the one who’s actually holding public office has the lowest approval rating, and people are still conducting polls like this as though they mean something? Last week I saw some poll saying that Dick Cheney’s approval rating had gone up — to something stratospheric like 31% — so therefore he was more popular than our president, whose approval is tanking because it’s been hovering around 46% for the past few months. It seems like we’re living in One Hundred Years of Solitude and are gradually forgetting everything — I’ll bet half the GOP has sticky notes on their kitchenware like “I am the can opener. Put me on the edge of a can you want opened and crank the handle” and other helpful information. And when they can’t read those, the Republican retaking of our nation will be complete.

  12. user-of-owls

    [re=625608]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    José Arcadio Buendía/José Arcadio Buendía 2012!

  13. Katydid

    That’s fucking it. Next time I’m polled, I’m claiming to not know who anybody is. Goddamm, 4% of Americans don’t know who Barack Obama is? Don’t eat the brown acid indeed.

  14. twowheeljunkie

    Excuse me! But America’s greatest first lady was Dolly Madison.
    I love those cup cakes.

  15. Real Talk

    Would someone please, please, please, pretty please link me to an original copy of that photo. That’s desktop material right there.

    Thanks in advance !!

  16. assistant/atlas

    I would consider getting married if I could be promised that my wife would look like that well into her 40s. As Martin Lawrence, the first black President of my teevee, would say: “Daaaaamn Gina.”

  17. Snarkalicious

    [re=625569]Sparky McGruff[/re]: I wonder how well that matches up to people who think all pro wrestlers are introduced with the names they were born with.

  18. ennui go

    But…but I thought Wasilla was short for wildlife and socialism in large lethal amounts. Who is this First Lady imposter?

  19. Horselover Fat

    I am quite sure at LEAST 4% of Americans have never heard Barack Obama’s unadulterated name, and therefore did not recognize it when written or spoken in a survey context. I myself instictively call him “Hopey Changey” and must make a mental hash check to summon his real name when the situation demands, i.e. almost never in my creepy snark-infested political existence. Perhaps our learned pollsters could consider rewriting the question as:

    “Do you know who Barack Obama, also known as ‘Nobama,’ ‘Obongo,’ ‘Ooga Booga,’ ‘Maobama’, ‘Barry Soetoro,’ ‘Hussein Hopenchange,’ ‘That Uppity Negro,’ ‘Obama Osama,’ and ‘Kaptain Kenya,” is?”

  20. just pixels

    I wonder how many people would still like her if she somehow became Mrs. Michelle Pixels. (I’ve been practicing writing that over and over in my notebook.)

    Michelle: If you’re reading this, think about it.