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  1. If it has not been suggested yet, may I recommend that the unemployed Boners seek engagement with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation? It’s late Friday, I’m tired, and that’s all I got.

  2. [re=624878]bitchincamaro[/re]: RWJF is nice to people I know. Don’t sic Boehners on them! But I lurves the “Wood” and “Johnson,” lass, assuming you are a lass, and not a trans-screen-ite.

  3. Unfortunately for the new Wonkette capitalist enterprise, Ken misunderestimated his audience, not realizing the average reader is roughly the size of a FEMA trailer and didn’t plan his sizes accordingly.

  4. I can’t believe you stone cold left out the passing of the greatest journalist/commentator since, well, EVER in your little weekly wrap up. It had better be because he gets his very own post.

  5. That eagle just looks like he’s been punched in the head a few times, if you ask me. As for me, I can at least claim I know how many siblings I have, and which have jobs, and which are deserving of empathy (none).

  6. [re=624881]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: He also forgot the anorexic and bulemic segment that require Size Zero. I imagine coffee mugs and buttons are on the way, though, and all will be forgiven. Shirley we can do better than Crazy Man James.

  7. [re=624873]plowman[/re]: Dude, you either got some enormously big and dangerous feet or you better have some enormously big locks on your door.

  8. [re=624917]user-of-owls[/re]: Oh, vaulting Breitbart. Muttered-over to myself on the deck, like a surrogate half pack of borrowed cigarettes.

  9. Something else really fun is that Tom Tancredo issued a fatwa against President Obama for apparently telling John Kyl that — um — I’m not really sure:

    Mr. Obama’s most egregious and brazen betrayal of our Constitution was his statement to Sen. Jon Kyl, Arizona Republican, that the administration will not enforce security on our southern border because that would remove Republicans’ desire to negotiate a “comprehensive” immigration bill. That is, to put it plainly, a decision that by any reasonable standard constitutes an impeachable offense against the Constitution. For partisan political advantage, he is willfully disregarding his obligation under Article IV, Section 4 of the Constitution to protect states from foreign invasion.

    Anyway, it’s almost as if the population rose up as one to throw off the tyrannical chains of oppression.

  10. Way to raise that family, Sarah. All mothers should emulate you and leave their daughters hanging stupid with no birth control and without their mom at their wedding and shit.

  11. [re=624924]SayItWithWookies[/re]: However, the president sending innocents off to be tortured with no trial is so totally within constitutional bounds. What DOES a republican president have to do to warrant impeachment? Can someone ask Tancredo that please? I know the answer won’t make any sense, but, what the hey.

  12. The marriage of Bristol and Levi gives a whole new meaning to Shotgun Wedding. Just not sophisticated enough for Sarah, the self-appointed airborne sniper defending the Western Frontier.

  13. “Altar”, I think, not that I am exactly a master of proofreading (see also: every other post I have made, ever)

    The arrival of WonkMart just makes me giddy. As soon as I get back to the U.S. I am ordering me some fine “tea shirts”

  14. [re=624926]Darkness[/re]: You have to ask Yoo, and the answer is, “Nothing.”

    Yoo says that “conditions like war” mean war, even without a declaration by Congress, and, in war, the president is CiC, and that extends to all government, not merely coordinating command of the military, and therefore acting “like a king,” with no power excluded whatsoever. “Conditions like war,” by the way, would be, oh, 1946-present.

    The way the right works, one weirdo says something, and then within a day, “Legal opinion is that this is all totally legal.” Hiding behind passives and mutual consent, they pretend that minority and idiosyncratic views are unanimity. (Remember: “The American people hate this health care bill” — Eric Cantor, when polling showed a 78% approval of it.)

  15. [re=624924]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Parsing Tancredo is beyond me. You figure he means that Obama told Kyl that he wouldn’t be giving Arizona Predator drones and combat troops and idiotic things that AZ SB1070 wanted?

    These guys are great at, “Stopping our request to increase funding is slashing the budget for defense.” I wouldn’t doubt that this is a “He said no to my batshit demand and told me to work with him on fixing the problem, but I don’t want to do that. He’s obviously against fixing the problem!!111!”

  16. [re=624902]Sharkey[/re]: I’m sure there are some of us who can fit in an XL. If I suck in my gut, I can do that fine. But I’m upset that the WonkStore doesn’t carry their goods on wifebeater tank tops. Preferably pre-stained, cuz that’s all I wear when I’m driving my ’75 Nova.

  17. [re=624924]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It was in the Washington Times- which was pure Mooonie trash before and probably has about 6 weeks left under new management before it totally goes under. Who else would publish that crap?(ok, lots of papers I would never read or even use for hamster shit)

  18. [re=624944]Mad Brahms[/re]: To be fair, this post does contain many correctly-spelled words.

    Alter = Jonathan the bald Newsweek employee, author, and commentator; also one of the multiple personalities in Multiple Personality Disorder (now Dissociative Identity Disorder).

    Altar = table-like structure used as a surface for sacrifices or other rituals, or as a focus for worship.

    Wait, was that a joke, or an ironic misspelling? Mmmh, I still don’t get it.

  19. [re=624953]Sparky McGruff[/re]: >driving my ‘75 Nova
    Aw yeah, the year of the Earned Income Tax Credit. Vroom vroom, cow on the tracks: Vroom-VROOM…(that got her moving).

  20. Benjamin, you got two out of your three accents covered in the headline. There should be one on “tres” as well. The kind that tilts the other way.

  21. [re=624955]Whitey[/re]: Traditionally, with her marriage (as oldest daughter of the Bürgermeister) Bristol would enjoin the table of Die Alte Dame as a Wasilla Elder. Die deutsche Sprache: too raw, too real.

  22. [re=624961]the problem child[/re]: Your familiarity with these “accents” reveals you as a fellow traveller and Muslin sympathizer. My inability to spel shows that I am a Real American despite the longish words I use.

  23. Will Faux News please carry the Wasilla wedding of the century live so we can all watch it along with Bill O’Reilly and Sarah?
    Will the bride be wearing hunting boots and will the soles be clean?
    Will Sarah be the commentatoresse (Shakespeare)so we will know what is going on?
    Would a petrified walrus penis (that I once saw displayed for sale in the Ancorage airport gift shop) be an appropiate wedding gift?
    Come to think of it, it would be perfect for Wonkettemart!(Dildo sans batteries in keeping with the economic recession).

  24. [re=624921]WadISay[/re]:
    The only person who had a worse week than Shirley Sherrod was Daniel Schorr.

    Wait, does that mean Schorr will rise from the dead? And get an apology from Farmer Vilsack?

    p.s. HAH! Bien hecho!

  25. [re=624979]Servo[/re]: It’s quite likely she already gave one of said newlyweds something they don’t offer at Nieman’s.

    Oh, and the return policy on hookworms is: “All Infestations Final”

  26. Tancredo and his ilk (e.g., Breitbart, Hayworth, Bachmann, Hannity, Newt, Mittens, Beck, Limbaugh, Muhdamn Snowbilly Grifter, and everyone else in the Republican Senate and Congressional Caucuses, with the occasional nearly inexplicable exceptions of Lindsley Gray-thing and Dick Lugar)are causing me to reconsider my commitment to evolution. Only (an) all-powerful whimsical God(s) could make beings as stupid, craven, and Job-patience-trying. Natural selection wouldn’t see the purpose in creating so many oxygen-wasting errors.

  27. [re=624982]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Au contraire. There are countless examples of insects developing mechanisms to avoid being eaten by birds and the like. The mechanisms that most closely parallels your examples would be noxious odors, nauseating taste and poisonous content.

  28. [re=624984]user-of-owls[/re]: Point taken. Also explains why they haven’t been eaten by predators further up the food chain, which is everything.

  29. Btw, the Boehner “F876, y’all,” should be, I think, “F*&^ all y’all,” but I defer to our panel of cunning linguists. I know John of Orange’s not a southern man, but he’s got the vocabulary of your tornado-alley trailer-park reality-show-reject.

  30. [re=624988]WriteyWriterton[/re]: ASTM F876 Standard Specification for Crosslinked Polyethylene (PEX) Tubing
    or so the Google informs me

  31. Like a Mirror of Narcissus, Jello reflected John O-Level’s face in the pile of biccheshit; he never did think it was a miracle.

    “NO son of mine.”

  32. [re=624995]WriteyWriterton[/re]:
    From Wonketeer runtothehills…(“I’ve seen the face of Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich. I’ve seen the Virgin Mary on a screen door. Ive seen the face of Andrew Breitbart in a pile of dogshit. It’s a miracle!!!!!”)

    …I was amused.

  33. Racism Runs Rampant On Shirley Sherrod Thread At Fox Nation
    Reported by Ellen on

    The Shirley Sherrod video may have been completely discredited in the rest
    of the news but the readers at Fox Nation don’t seem to care much. They’ve
    used a thread about the “Behind the Scenes,” from the Washington Post, as a
    launch pad for a spate of vile, racist comments. And the moderators either
    haven’t noticed or don’t care.–%20Behind%20the%20Scenes%20-%20The%20FOX%20Nation_1279915980652.jpeg

    WOW! Unbelievable.

  34. [re=624984]user-of-owls[/re]: This seems entirely unrelated to insects developing a bad taste.

    Those insects do so to keep from getting eaten. Republicans have developed their tactics either to escape detection or to defeat more powerful intellects. Therefore, the adaptations seem more nearly like a cuttle fish ejecting ink when frightened, on the one hand (such persons as the word ejaculating George F. Will) or puffing up large, hissing, and then emitting a foul odor, like a corpse, of the American opossum. The hog nose snake also does this, and it will even roll over and do such a convincing job of being “dead” that the smell will attract flies, like Freedom Works.

  35. [re=624905]x111e7thst[/re]: “And Viagra from the same source.”

    So, a stoned bald eagle with a permanent, chemically induced erection?

    I think you just described U.S. foreign policy.

    [Am I dating myself (again), or does anyone else think it’s weird to get cell phone calls from a friend in Kabul? It sort of ruins that whole “When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains . . . ” thingy.]

  36. [re=625006]Neilist[/re], forget ‘asshole’, you sonofabitch!!!
    Truly, coffee sprayed out both nostrils. That blurb of yours HAS to go to the Urban Dictionary post haste.

    US Foreign Policy: A stoned bald eagle with a permanent chemically induced erection

    Have you sent this to Hillary yet??????

  37. [re=625008]weejee[/re]: Ken, this Weejee person clearly is insane, and should be banned immediately.

    [Weejee: Allow me to let you in on a little “secret”: Hillary’s the one with the “permanent chemically induced erection” in the Clinton “family.”]

    Assistant Deputy Secretary of State George F. “Neilist” Kennan
    Liberal Pinko Commie SCUM Division, Wonkette Desk
    Foggy Bottom, VA

    P.S. Hey, am I supposed to be working on the “X Memorandum,” or an “X-rated Memorandum”?

  38. [re=625011]x111e7thst[/re]: The Falluj was/is a Bad Place.

    The Blackwater Bridge is pretty, though. Particularly when the sunset glow highlights the bodies of the hanging “contractors,” twisting gently in the breeze . . . .

    God, I love Counterinsurgency. That Winning Hearts & Minds joke NEVER gets old.

  39. [re=625013]Neilist[/re]: US Counterinsurgency Strategy = Watered down Robert Thompson presented as genius. And ignoring the fact that the Chinese insurgents in Malaysia were a minority amongst a population that mostly hated them and could therefore be induced to co-operate with the Brits.

  40. [re=625017]x111e7thst[/re]: [re=625020]weejee[/re]: Why do you two Hate FREEDOM?!?!?!?!?!

    “Nail that slime to the paddy wall! Circle back and get the caribou!”

  41. [re=625020]weejee[/re]: And we have few colonial troops to do our fighting for us. I was going to say “no colonial troops” but then I remembered that we do offer an accelerated path to citizenship to brownz who are willing to join up.
    [re=625021]Neilist[/re]: Since Benazir Bhutto was turned into jam freedum has just not tasted the same.

  42. Global warming is awesome. Soon, we can all just quit our jobs and hang out on the beach like they do in Somalia. I may start a beach farm in Brooklyn even. Until it gets too hot for peaches.

  43. [re=625022]x111e7thst[/re]: Who’s working for the private contractors? I know half the male population of Missouri is in Afghaniraq sucking vodka out of each other’s rectums (NOT GAY), but the rest of them? The answer is Uganda. The postcolonial double-wrinkles spin the mind.

  44. [re=625022]x111e7thst[/re]: “turned to jam”?

    You mean, “turned to meat sauce”:

    “Benazir’s Own: Meat Favored Pasta Sauce: Aged In The Bottle, Because She’s STILL DEAD!”

    Or maybe chutney. That’s like Wog Jam, isn’t it?

    (Yes, yes. I know. Asshole. Got it.)

  45. [re=625023]NYNYNY[/re]: In 2013, when Palin and Hice cruise into the White House, and Britefart is Chief of Staff, and Boner and McConnell, run the Hill. Global Warming will make moving to Canada a lot more sensible.

  46. [re=625017]x111e7thst[/re]: [re=625020]weejee[/re]: If you gave me the Celtics to coach and I went 120-0 against the South Dakota Jayvee Basketball League, I’d have slightly more credulity on coaching theory as Johnson has on CI theory. Read Trinquier for how to take on a resourceful, tenacious and tactically unfettered enemy, supported by a population united in anti-foreigner nationalism AND in a country with millions of your own civilian nationals as residents.

    There are three main CI strategies that shown what could be called ‘success’ in the post-WWII era, each of which would be largely impossible for the US in Afghanistan today. The first, which comes closest to current strategy, is to win the battle of governance. Snigger as some (looks up a few entries) will, but allegiance and legitimacy is accorded to the entity that is less worse than the alternative from residents’ standpoints. The best evidence is not from successful CI but from successful guerrilla movements. Without exception, each was capable of created viable ‘counter-state’ which fulfills a social contract more effectively than the state. From local, to regional to national levels. See Wickham-Crowley for the definitive word here. The problem in a state with so little penetration as the Afghans is that this would take a very, very long time.
    The second, also apparently the subject of vociferous chats in Kabul, is the creation of local “self-defense” forces who are ’empowered’ (i.e., both armed and legitimized) by the state to protect their communities from insurgents. This is usually combined, of course, with an unleashing of the military into these zones to ‘persuade’ locals to join and to establish free-fire zones everywhere else. Classic example: the ‘rondas campesinas’ in Ayacucho and elsewhere in Peru during the anti-Sendero war. Can be effective up to a point, but inevitably leads to bloody vigilantism and high body counts as rebels cease bothering much in trying to win people over and just slaughter them (as does the military, as do the rondas) instead.
    Finally, a frequently successful strategy is quite neatly described in a conversation between Theroux and an upper class Guatemalan recounted in The Old Patagonian Express that essentially starts with the Yankee voicing disgust over Guatemala’s genocidal persecution of the Maya during the ongoing civil war there. It ends when the Guatemalan turns and asks him to describe just how the US dealt with its “Indian problem.” So, 300,000 bodies in Guatemala or 70,000 in Argentina can buy you a lot of social compliance. The problem for the state is that if you are not systematic enough at annihilation, you wind up creating more angry/desperate people than you kill. Ask Tachito Somoza. Probably not the most politically marketable solution for the Obama administration, and almost certainly not tenable for Karzai’s ‘government.’

    And that brings us to the end of another episode of Professor Owl’s Political Violence Hour. Tune in again next week!

  47. [re=625027]Radiotherapy[/re]: You mean swimming to Canada. And you’re gonna have to fight a dozen other people and a snarling polar bear for that ice cube raft.

  48. [re=625024]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Ass vodka, not my favorite thing. Still let those who have never snorted the odd line off a Ukranian strippers tits cast the first stone.
    (or off a Brazillian tranny’s trim tight buttocks for that matter)

  49. [re=625038]x111e7thst[/re]: Yup, that’s the place. During the 60s-70s, it was required reading in virtually all South American military academies, certainly in the Southern Cone. Also required were screenings of the classic, The Battle of Algiers.

  50. [re=625029]user-of-owls[/re]: CHIEU HOI, CHIEU HOI!! Why did you did not give the johnson to the Phoenix Program in Vietnam. Maybe not a whack-a-mole at the level of Guatemala, but gettin’ close to the Argentine numbers.

  51. [re=625043]weejee[/re]: Numbers-wise, yes you’re right re: Phoenix. Where the parallel goes wrong though is that the Argentine monsters faced a fairly miniscule Montonero urban guerrilla and by their own official reckoning had completely obliterated it within six weeks of the 1976 coup. But they continued the horror (oh, in addition to the 70k murdered, there were 100k+ mercilessly tortured) until 1983. Same pattern, smaller scale with the Tupamaros in Uruguay and Marighella’s ALN in Brazil. So to replicate that, Phoenix would have probably needed to kill millions. Tactics were the same, but the goal in Phoenix was less to sow terror and rend the social fabric than to cripple (with shotgun targeting) the cadre. If you want an idea of what the CI ‘philosophy’ was in Argentina, read the words of Iberico St. Jean, governor of BA Province:

    First we will kill all the subversives,
    then we will kill their collaborators,
    then their sympathizers,
    then those who remain indifferent,
    and finally, we will kill the timid.

  52. Oh man, forgive me for violating one of the core tenets of this hallowed place: Take it to fucking KOS already!

    Mea poopyhead, mea poopyhead, mea maxima poopyhead.

  53. [re=625059]user-of-owls[/re]: It’s okay u-o-o. We all get wound up on the weekend. I feel your pain. If weed were legal, we wouldn’t get so riled up. We’d be more, y’know, compliant?

  54. [re=625076]user-of-owls[/re]: I wish I knew absolution-Hebrew, what with being congenitally Hebraic, so I could second x111e7thst’s emotion (I do so virtually), but that’s as far as I got – the genes – and I don’t think my pipples go in for absolution much, also. Sorry about that. chief.

    Regardless, the Spanish Empire knew how to kill ’em all and let Dios Madre sort ’em out long before we ramped up the School of the Americas, but we can take credit for time-and-motion studies. Like, um, Eichmann?

  55. “the Wasilla alter”?
    Inquiry: Isn’t that the quantish Alaskan occurrence in which an unwed teen mother, in refudiatiation of her trailer park mama, changes her mind to marry the hillbilly baby daddy whom she once said didn’t have enough brains to find a copy of Tiger Beat at the 7-11? Am I close?

  56. [re=624982]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Cept Mother Nature loves her some CO2. She gets to give all the species a heave-ho and repaint the landscape with glaciers.

  57. [re=625140]Darkness[/re]: Because, owing to excess CO2 and consequent warming, the CO2 emitters will die, and then, over time, the CO2 will dissipate and the planet will cool again? Have I got your long view right here?

  58. [re=625156]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Wellllll… the co2 won’t dissipate. It will be used by green plants to make food and grow. These plants will die and be buried in sediment. Over the eons, they turn into fossil fuels. Some future civilization will dig them up, burn them, and put that co2 back into the oh shit…

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