- Human phallus John Boehner’s million-plus siblings may be unemployed, or not. He doesn’t know! All he knows is that he has “empathy” for them, which we all know means “fuck y’all,” in Latino.
- Andrew Breitbart became conservative America’s new piece-on-the-side. By courageously posting cleverly edited footage for political motives, and then defending his bizarre charade on television, he proved once again that America is truly the land of opportunists.
- Speaking of Shirley Sherrod, she sure had a fun week, in hell! She got fired from her job and then got it back again but then told Barry O. to “talk to the hand,” because her face didn’t want to hear it anymore.
- With the passing of Ernest J. Pagels, Jr.’s campaign, we thought we had lost our savior. Amazingly, a new Christ emerged from the tomb of the dead campaign days later.
- Do you love your Wonkette? Well here is your chance to love Wonkette like our greatest president George Bush Jr. would have you love it, by buying tons of our shit.
- America’s second-greatest president, Newt Gingrich, finally came to his senses and denounced the Allah-themed Hard Rock Café they are building near Ground Zero.
- Sarah Palin continued to increase her intellectual and moral authority (bust-line) — first by showing off her wordsmithing on Shakespeare’s prefered medium, Twitter, then by using her Second Amendment Rights to stone cold deny her daughter Bristol the immense honor of her fellowship at the Wasilla alter.