Sarah Palin is going to be back on the teevee, this time for some Kate Plus Eight show on TLC with “Kate Gosselin” that your great-aunt watches. And thus Palin has reached the next stop on the road to the presidency, as all candidates must first prove their worth on a TLC reality show following around some freakish family. This Kathryn lady has eight children, you see, and now these kids will go camping with Sarah Palin to “learn about Alaska” (drill polar bears for oil) and learn “natural history” (how he and his wife made Sarah Palin) from her dad, Chuck Heath. What?
There is no mention of Piper or Trig, but surely those famewhores will come out of the woodwork to be on this show, no? Piper will teach the kids how to ask John McCain for a high five to make him feel bad about himself, and Trig will teach the kids how to wander off into the forest to seek a better life being raised by wolves. And then how to get eaten by wolves.
Meanwhile, if these two unemployed people can have reality shows, why not the rest of our country? GIVE THE UNEMPLOYED REALITY SHOWS, OBAMA. THEY NEED THEM.
Also, Palin has said she is not boycotting Bristol and Levi’s wedding, according to a “Palin family lawyer,” as this is a job lawyers do. [WP/TMZ]
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Thats my retard!
RE the alt-text: “She is just like an animal!”
You mean she has fleas and ticks?
I know you aren’t talking about being spayed and neutered.
Don’t do it, Kathryn! Palin just wants to hunt you and your brood for sport!
The most dangerous game, you betcha.
I hope its as good as the Housewives of New Jersey show.
Oh that would be the most awesome thing to happen to Alaska since terrorists flew the Exxon Valdez into the World Trade Center. And I would love to watch this episode, if only to gather evidence that Sarah Palin knows nothing about outdoor living.
Wow, two of the most vicious and detestable women together. Would this episode be called “5 Good Ideas: How to exploit your child for fame and wealth”?
P.S. Jack, I loved your rant against that fat slop, Newt.
The Learning Channel: Featuring such educational programs as Toddlers & Tiaras, Heli-loggers, Mall Cops, LA Ink, Miami Ink, Cake Boss, DC Cupcakes Police Women of Broward County, Police Women of Maricopa County, Police Women of Memphis, BBQ Pitmasters….
“Boycotting” is for liberals… “quitting” is for conservatives.
Plenty of campin’ and fishin’, also too.
Or the Palins might make an appearance, depending on the results of the Pennsylvania child welfare investigation into whether Kate is violating the state child labor laws. Hm, I wonder how that works in employing your kid as a human shield at a hockey game? Or how Alaska’s child labor laws apply to forcing your baby to work as a political prop?
i hope there will be lebron james highlights in this program, too.
TLC = The BadParenting Network
Poor little Trunk is going to go hungry if he has to fight all those teeming Gosselins for the food bowl.
Why is Palin carrying Bristol’s baby?
The best thing about camping with Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin is that you don’t have to lug a heavy tent around with you — between the two of ‘em, their uteruses sleep at least a dozen, and have nice, big flaps that do a great job of keeping out rain and bugs.
First episode: Paranoid dipshit Palin buys spiffy new navy-blue polyester shorts at the Wasila K-Mart, to match with a hideously fugly red knit top from Goodwill. On the first day of camp, she takes a massive diarrheaic launch in a paper bag, wipes her ass with poison oak, then wags it in front of trailer-dumpster Kate’s 8 microencephalic children, warning them about the dangers of stepping in human feces. Camera zooms into suspicious brown smear on the back of Palin’s thigh, a clever color coordination with the navy blue polyester. Entire nation immediately begins multiple rounds of synchronized puking.
do the laws of physics allow two talentless famewhore baby dispensers of their magnitude to exist in close proximity? won’t this meeting of the minds trigger some sort of cataclysmic event? i hope they find a way to combine pseudo-celebrity dance competitions with shooting things from airplanes.
KG: You’ve got your Mentally Challenged Political Prop in my brood of 8 Future Therapist’s Wet Dreams
SP: Well, you betchya gots your 8 Future Therapist’s Wet Dreams with my little Precious Political Prop. Also.
Both: Hmmm… Fame whoring tastes great!
Two great crazies on one TV Show. Reality TV Crazy Cups.
Peeper, Track, Truck, and Tranny will all show up to boil water for diaper cleaning and dig holes for hiding the poo.
Two hicks in the woods with their screaming brood of rug rats. Could it BE anymore redneck?
After this, Palin is going to join Mini-Kiss.
I just can’t believe the Secret Service would allow this. It’s like putting POTUS and VPOTUS on the same airplane. You just don’t do that.
So You Think You Can Grift
This has possibilities:
Sarah on Pawn Stars: she shows up at the shop to sell the clothes she bought with the GOP credit car.
Sarah on Deadliest Catch: she’s Captain Phil’s guest replacement for a week.
Sarah on LA Ink: the Palin clan stops in for a family tatoo session
Sarah on Househunters: Sarah and friend Bill Kristol searching for a DC condo
[re=624441]SmutBoffin[/re]: Shooting Kate from a helicopter wouldn’t be the worst thing that Palin has ever done.
No riding in a helicopter and shooting up animals-N-stuff? Doesn’t sound so realistic to me.
They need to bring on the Octomom to round things out.
Masturbate Plus Eight.
Kate and Sarah can talk on-camera in this episode about Sarah’s feelings about whether to attend Bristol’s wedding. That will add to the suspense about the wedding! That will only be resolved in the cliff-hanging climax when mom’s heart melts and she does appear in triumph at Bristol’s wedding, upstaging Bristol before all the cameras and fans!
It’ll be like the big surprise when Lauren showed up for Heidi Montaug’s wedding to Spencer! Sarah will have to hide in the church basement for hours to make her grand entrance without being spotted first.
[re=624482]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I still want to see Sarah taking Survivorman’s place for an episode.
Look, I feel bad about the innocent camera and sound crew – they won’t be coming back, either. But I still think it’s worth it. Leaving these two bloated harpies and their spawn to die in the harsh, unforgiving Alaskan wilderness will bump up the national IQ by a whole point or point and a half, and we need everything we can get.
[re=624463]Extemporanus[/re]: Ha ha, this time of year Alaska gets up to four inches of jizz a day. Let’s see their tent flaps try and fail (again and again) to keep that out.
Camping tip for the kids: Use a snorkel in your mummy bag – your life may depend on it.
[re=624440]BOOBIES![/re]: Hookworms. She has hookworms.
[re=624482]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Sarah on Deadliest Catch: she’s Captain Phil’s guest replacement for a week.
Psycho snowbilly fuckbat Palin gets her slimy cod-hole hooked by mistake, and then fetuses just start falling out, one by one, in clown-car fashion. Puzzled, Capt Phil starts parting her bushy, never-trimmed pubes, looking for giant fish eyes.
[re=624465]obfuscator[/re]: Funny you should ask. My calculations indicate that when two Tardon* sources of this magnitude are brought into close proximity, there will be positive coupling between their respective intelligence-negation fields. This should make TLC uninhabitable for approximately 10 gigaseasons**.
*The Tardon is the quantum of dumbfuckery.
**This is the reason why you need protective gear just to watch Fox n Friends.
Surely Sarah is looking for advice on how to go through a high-profile divorce.
And, Jack, won’t Piper be teaching the kids how to hook up with Alex Rodriguez?
[re=624482]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I’d like to see a cooking show with Sarah, or at least have Tony Bourdain spend the weekend with her, snowgrifting and making moose jerky.
[re=624463]Extemporanus[/re]: I would have preferred not to know this.
tune in to find out who will be crowned america’s next top greedy brain-dead piece of shit huckster!
“[I]f these two unemployed people can have reality shows…”
Nothing those two fame whores have ever done has anything to do with reality. They live in a world of make believe which is what makes them so absolutely unbearable.
Those two pictures . . .
One depicting a vicious, feral ursine killer and her equally murderous cub, a mother-and-spawn combination that no sensible hunter would confront with anything less powerful than my .460 Ruger Mag.
The second showing an adorable grizzly bear and her cuddly offspring . . . .
This could be beyond perfect if they include a chase scene in the General Lee (car turning on two tires, children falling out, bouncing along the pavement, etc.); but it’ll never happen: Sarah will quit before the second episode.
[re=624475]Prommie[/re]: If Mini KISS leaped out of Sarah Palin’s vagina as a bunch of huge explosions and bitchin’ sparkler shit went off like some kinda blood-and-fluid-spewing “Clown Carasaurus”-meets-G.W.A.R. colliseum clusterfuck to start every show, I would so totally wait in line to seem them!
DUDE IT WOULD FUCKING ROCK!!
[re=624495]trondant[/re]: Today’s Wasilla weather forecast is cum-y with a chance of golden showers.
[re=624463]Extemporanus[/re]: “their uteruses sleep at least a dozen, and have nice, big flaps that do a great job of keeping out rain and bugs.”
Well, the rain, anyway.
She is hiding the kid’s face because, as he gets older, he looks more and more like Bristol. How can that be?
In a perfect world, EVERY female animal around them instantly gets pregnant, gives birth and then, like Mama Grizzly’s, all simultaneously rise up and fiercely protect their young.
[re=624500]Golfing OJ[/re]: Is this before or after he uses Palin as a crab trap buoy, then has to turn around and go home immediately to avoid a killer storm?
I…I’m stunned. For once, I’d rather be responsible for Rush Limbaugh’s orgasms than watch TV.
She always hold that kid so awkwardly. Weird.
[re=624498]x111e7thst[/re]:
I would rather watch a 14 hour Ken Burns documentary on hookworms than watch 10 minutes of those two cackling hens wandering through the Alaskan wilderness with their demon spawn in tow.
[re=624522]trondant[/re]:
Phil would probably be happy that he died before this episode could be made.
Double your pleasure.
Double your fun.
Double your shark jumpin’
Gun gun gun.
[re=624460]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: [re=624495]trondant[/re]: “Downer’s Party”?
[re=624505]x111e7thst[/re]: Unpleasant as it is, the knowledge will come in handy should you ever find yourself stranded in Alaska without a tauntaun.
“Piper will teach the kids how to ask John McCain for a high five to make him feel bad about himself…”
Funniest line [almost] ever! Good stuff, Jack.
[re=624504]Tim[/re]: Tony Bourdain would not be allowed close to Snowbilly. He’d call her a stupid cunt within two minutes of meeting her, while drinking some moose urine beer & smoking a cigarette. (I imagine his disdain for her would be only slightly less than his disdain for Rachel Ray, and based on the fact that he thought Ted Nugent-when he was on his show-was batshit crazy.)
[re=624526]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: He’s got retard cooties, says Levi.
[re=624522]trondant[/re]: When not used as a lobster trap or crab hotel, desperate tax-felon Palin’s heinous cod-hole gives birth to krakens on the full moon. Her ever-soaking twat didn’t unleash the famous retarded squid-child, though, that’s her daughter’s OTHER gangbang-mistake, and no one will admit it, because how fucking psychotic would a teenage dipshit whore have to be.
What, was the Octomom too busy to join them? Let’s see: 8 + 8 + whatever = Massive fail.
[re=624531]Oblios Cap[/re]: Ah. Apologies to the Phil family and fans.
Maybe Captain Sig can use her as bait in a trap instead.
Wildercunts
After they get lost in the wilds of near-suburban Anchorage and have to be rescued by some agency of the Federal Government, please, please, please let her turn around the tweet 2 hours later about how incompetent government is.
I wonder if Snowbilly knows those Gosselin kids aren’t … gasp… all white? Will she run off screaming when a non-white child tries to touch her? Oh, I forgot, Todd is half Eskimo and, therefore, an oppressed minority. Nevermind….
[re=624539]Extemporanus[/re]: “Downer’s Party” – brilliant!
Oh god, I just realized what they might be up to; making plans to breed parts of their respective broods together. The levels of stupidity and famewhoreism in someone with both those sets of genes will dwarf even the cast of Jersey Shore.
I’ll watch if they bring in Joel McHale, tie him to a chair on the set and position a mic in front of his mouth.
The image that will really capture the world’s attention is when Sarah Palin tongue-kisses Hailey Glassman.
[re=624555]trondant[/re]:
Phil probably would have gotten a good laugh out of the idea, though.
oh let this turn into the reality show Dancing With The Bears…and bears dont dance!!!
To commemorate this momentous occasion, a small peom. Ahem.
Two grifters from the “Learning” Channel
Went to visit Alaskan animals.
These two utter cunts
And their large broods of runts
Are the worst of all history’s annals.
Aha. Now we know why Discovery Media agreed to do “Alaska with a Woman Not from There Who Maligns It with Every Syllable”: they made her agree to do “Squeal or No Deal,” too.
She’ll also be appearing on “Little People, Big World,” where she wanders through the set, and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” where she will re-enact the 2008 campaign.
Who knew that Kate G was more retarded than her manchild ex-husband?
I’m hope we get to see the TV Grizzly Mammas wrestle some real Mamma Grizzlies. That would be some fun reality TV. BTW. Have you ever been downwind from one of those things?
Needs moar midjits and cakes
[re=624556]Limeylizzie[/re]: hahahahaha
[re=624520]rastignac[/re]: Actually, the brat resembles Levi. heh.
[re=624549]Golfing OJ[/re]: Golfing OJ, I think you are ready for this. Some others may not find it in good taste, although I enjoy this kind of thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ko2VXpW7_g
I wanna see ‘em catch salmon in their mouths, and then eviscerate them with their veneers and fake nails.
[re=624644]LakeLucilleLoon[/re]: there’s something slightly lesbian about that but i shan’t point it out
Perhaps they can enjoy some good old fashioned Alaska lady oil wrestling.
The Palinator vs. Octopussy.
[re=624556]Limeylizzie[/re]: That cost a keyboard, thanks!
[re=624463]Extemporanus[/re]: It really pains me that you, of all people, have not posted this picture yet.
I can see their hair weaves from my house.
And all that will remain will be the children, smiling glazed-eyed, at nothing in particular, chanting quietly “no more pictures Mommy” and the gnawed remains of the adults and all the A.V. gear burnt to ashes in a large ceremonial firepit scarring the permafrost. Trig will have a “special bond” with the six younger ones…
In anticipation of this event, my television has preemptively exploded.
Has Newell recovered enough from live blogging her “I’m quitting, ..for the troops” speech to prove he is truly Gawker material?
[re=624454]JMP[/re]: Political prop? Whose head d’you think the northwest corner of PalinXanadu is resting on? It’s a wonder they didn’t name him “Phil.”
Next week, Sarah will be shopping for mukluks and seal-skin parkas with Dina Lohan.
I’ve changed my mind – I will watch this. But only if they air the bit where Sarah teaches Kate how to exsanguinate turkeys with her vadge.
Kate Gosselin? Really? This is what’s topical to republican voters? Maybe they should dig up Terry Schiavo while they’re at it. The republicans didn’t seem to mind exploiting that poor woman at every opportunity. Palin could use her corpse as a sled to pull the vittles around.
I don’t get it. If Sarah and Kate are going camping alone then who is going to be there to tell Kate what her kids names are? When one of them loses a leg in a bear trap the emergency room is really strict about a first and last name on that arm band.
TLC = Terrible Life Choices
Sarah holds that baby about as awkwardly as someone who holds it twice a year.
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