announcements

Get Your Official Fake Campaign Shirts! WonketteMart Open For Business!

One of Four awesome new Wonkette Shirts, DO IT NOW.The wait is over … and did you even realize you were waiting, all this time, for this? WonketteMart has opened for business, with our first batch of custom-designed beautiful, shocking Wonkette Fake Campaign Shirts. Go, look, and pre-order today to save money$$$. What is happening?

About six months ago, your Wonkette Industries management got together in some sexting chatroom and said, to nobody in particular, “Jesus, what does it take to actually get some ideas turned into actual products and online stores and warehouses and shipping and all that?” The answer, it turns out, is “many months of work and hassle and inspiration and bitter, bitter tears.”

These are the first official Wonkette items for sale, ever, in America or anywhere else. Much more quality stuff — laptop skins, books, patriotic dildos — will follow this inaugural batch of WonketteMart campaign Tees, imagined by your Wonkette editors and turned into quality silkscreened slave-free garments by a consortium of graphics and apparel professionals, including design work by an anonymous Fancy Pants Designer you may know by his Wonkette commenter name, “Corduroypants.” It’s all warehoused and shipped and customer-serviced and piloted by Amplifier in Austin, known for running the online stores of other beloved American Comedy Internet brands such as The Onion, Achewood and the Homestar Runner. Your happiness/sexytime is assured. [WonketteMart]

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

88 comments

  1. Judas Peckerwood

    Whats with the apostrophe? Even the much more literate Founding Teabaggers didnt use one.

  2. Potater

    I’m holding out for the BristoLevi brand condom: it breaks once, then turns into a purity ring! Recyclable!

  3. Oblios Cap

    patriotic dildos

    What? You’re selling us?

    Oh. Never mind, then. Your success is assured.

  4. teebob2000

    XL???? THAT’S your largest size, XL??? What about us internet-addicted fatties?? XL wouldn’t even fit around my arm, for fuck’s sake.

    Washington sizeist/elitist.

  5. nappyduggs

    I would like to order a dozenty of each flavor, and please charge them to Mike Steele, c/o the RNC, thank you.

  6. chaste everywhere

    When Jesus responded at last to your query, he used the word “hassle”? I am so almost sure.

  7. freakishlystrong

    I can’t wait for the Children’s Treasury of Wonkett items! I’ll buy a t-shirt, and wear it to bed. I live in Floriduh.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Now we just need the t-shirt industry to get off its lazy ass and figure out a way to put Blingees on clothing.

  9. JMP

    I wonder how many of those will be worn by actual Teabaggers who don’t get the irony; you know the ones who think that Colbert is one of them.

  10. Whatever Blows Your Skirt

    OK, Fine. You finally made some shirts (really guys/gals it ain’t that hard) and so upon looking at them what do I see (or fail to in this case)?

    WONKETTE!!!!!1!

    NOWHERE does it have the names of our glorious leaders, or in this case their website thingy.

    I will buy when, and only when, I can be properly BRANDED!!!11!!!

    Ban hammer in 3…2…

  11. Extemporanus

    Ken:

    I wrote you a really rambling, retrospectively-embarrassing, drunken sex letter Wedesday afternoon on your “Al Qaeda webzine redesign” post that hopefully nobody read, including you.

    (Meaning my comment, not your post…though judging by pageviews, I guess that statement could apply equally to either…)

    Anyhoo, please add this WonketteMart thing to the list of alive, evolving Wonkette attributes for which I previously mentioned being very thankful. That “Treadbagger” uniform is absolutely top drawer!

    Also, if you would like to sell any merchandise featuring a dumb cunt’s desecrated retard (or whatever) please let me know and I’ll forward the files to you Ludlum-style via overly-complicated double-blind drop.

    TTFN,
    X

  12. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=624427]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m sure some techno-geek has been working on it ever since he saw them T-shirts in Idiocracy.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    WoW! A Pre-Order Sale! Does that mean the price goes up just as soon as I order?

  14. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=624450]Tundra Grifter[/re]:
    “Whoo… That’s some catch, that Catch-22.”
    “It’s the best there is.”

  15. actor212

    “Jesus, what does it take to actually get some ideas turned into actual products and online stores and warehouses and shipping and all that?” The answer, it turns out, is “many months of work and hassle and inspiration and bitter, bitter tears.”

    It took you months to take a cheap ass drawing of an old Colonial flag and Photoshop in a teabag?

    I bet you outsourced the damn idea to some factory in Bangalore and took the rest of the month off for lunch!

  16. Monsieur Grumpe

    When do I get my shirt? Have you mailed it yet? Huh? Huh? I want to wear it to my cousins wedding. I’m checking the mailbox every day until I get it. !!!!! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  17. mbprice

    Does this mean I can finally get my Wonkette T-shirt I was promised for my winning “Bird Certificate” drawing all those many moons ago??

  18. facehead

    [re=624439]Whatever Blows Your Skirt[/re]: I feel the same way, I was hoping for something that said ‘Wonkette’ on it.

    Can we at least get Riley and Andrew Sullivan to model these things for us?

  19. Snarkalicious

    Clearly, we need a shirt that says “Wonketeer” on the front, and has the same thing in reverse on the back with a set of Nutz dangling underneath. I will sell you the copyrighted idea for the low low price of 6 whore-diamonds, 1 ‘i-fone’ and Sara’s phone number.

  20. Doglessliberal

    Well, now I have Xmas gifts for my northern relatives who believe the Commies are going to invade through Mexico and watermelon joke emails about Obama are funny, and my southern relatives who think Liberatarianism means they get all the tax breaks and free shit they want, but the poors need to go to churches to get crumbs and leftover Neosporin and that Sarah Palin is God. Happy Christmas, indeed!

  21. Doglessliberal

    [re=624494]Snarkalicious[/re]: or Wonketteer: I Am Funnier Than You are, and Can Spell.

  22. Whatever Blows Your Skirt

    [re=624485]facehead[/re]: Clearly the message sent at the wegles did not get through.

    “WE WANT WONKETTE ON OUR WonKette SHIirts aNd wE waNt it nOW.”

    We must lobby and spend more to get what we want ah-la well lobbyists.

    Also.

  23. Whatever Blows Your Skirt

    [re=624513]Whatever Blows Your Skirt[/re]: and P.S. What [re=624403]teebob2000[/re] said.

  24. SpenceRedux

    Dearest Wonkette, is fatty hatred the last acceptable bigotry in America? No XXL? Because I know how hard Fox is trying to bring back ye olde racism, but you’ve apparently beaten them to the punch with the sizism and whatnot. As Ken repeatedly points out, even are children are a nation of fatties.

  25. AlexisHidell

    It’s about time, for fuck’s sake. Every two-bit blog in the world has a goddam cafepress store.

  26. Maus

    WTF people with your size inflation demands, you’ve already turned me (5’11, 180lbs) into a S at most stores, if I turn into an XS, god damn America.

  27. Doglessliberal

    [re=624563]Maus[/re]: try being a 115 lb, 5’5 1/2″ woman. I am a negative 4 at Banana Republic. It is absurd.

  28. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I would buy the Wonkette Dildo, but only if it was nicknamed the Ana Marie Cocks.

    [re=624447]sleepy[/re]: Or at least Ken could go old school and get the Snorg Girl to model the shirts.

  29. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=624403]teebob2000[/re]: Yeah, this is America, and a blog. Without at least XXXL, Ken is excluding at least 3/4 of his possible sales base.

  30. Ted Kennedy Breakdancing

    Please include fatty sizes. We fatties will give you many of our schekles to stretch Walnut’s face over our man tits.

    No really, more fatty sizes please. I want.

  31. Snarkalicious

    [re=624570]Tofu Eating Socialist[/re]: Only if they don’t get set up to take Link Cards.

  32. facehead

    [re=624546]weejee[/re]: Is Nelist the master at arms and thongs? The division of labor around here is fucked.

  33. Fuck Toad

    I concur with the call for a shirt saying “WONKETTE” that fats can wear, also.

    But good job with the store anyway. My apartment is cluttered with Achewood merch and it is all Hi-Kwalitee.

  34. Lazy Media

    You should add this to your lineup. Put “Tea Party Patriots” under it, and it will sell to Wonketeers AND irony-challenged (all) teabaggers alike.

  35. Sgt. Biyatch

    I’d like to see less Teabaggery on the t-shirts, if only because I don’t want to get my arse kicked when I travel back to my parents’ house.

  36. ReasonableMan

    HEY! What about those of us who are keeping teh country afloat buying tons and tons of butter for our guns? The biggest shirt you have is XL???? PUH-LEEESE. Get some double and triples up there (maybe even a few 4X for your Mississippi fans.

  37. Rotundo

    XL as the largest size? Henngggghhhh? Darn things wouldn’t even cover my sagging moobs. Start firing up those XXXL and XXXXL for us buffet dining manbearpigs out here in real amerikkka!

  38. Oh hell to the no

    I just want a classy Wonkette logo shirt! You know, something I can wear to job interviews.

  39. WadISay

    Any chance you could get these modelled by someone with a nice rack and toothsome smile? I was thinking of Newell.

  40. iwillsavethispatient

    Great, got my order in, so I can have knowing nods from fellow wonketteers on my travels.

    Looking forward to an official Wonkette bathrobe, for wearing whilst blog-reading. I mention this everytime WonketteMart has been mentioned. If I keep mentioning it, it will happen, yes?

  41. Anita Cocktail

    [re=624404]Knightro829[/re]: plus it flatters the sallow skin that Wonketeers have from spending too much time staring into the monitor screen o’ doom.

  42. just pixels

    I would like a muslin T-shirt that says “Proud American Muslin”. Wait, make it out of pot instead of muslin and make it say “Try burning this one”. Wait, make it a pair of shorts that say “Too big to fail” on the front.

  43. chascates

    We are delighted that you’ve chosen to spend some of your hard-won (or borrowed) dollars at our emporium of American Political Filth.

    For the first time in my life I’m proud to be an American.

  44. Jukesgrrl

    [re=624607]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: But have you ever seen a Cafe Press 4X? They make them wider and wider, but not longer. I bought one for a friend at Christmas and it was big enough, but left his belly hanging out. Is that the way teabaggers like ‘em?

  45. finallyhappy

    I’m trying to decide which one to buy. Around here- everyone will get i-t whichever one I wear but I am wondering if I wear it on my southern vacation…

  46. Potater

    I feel like enough of a fatass having to buy larges and then shrink them in the dryer, but now you make me think that I’m the SECOND LARGEST SIZE POSSIBLE? Please, for the sake of my diminishing body image, add in some super fatty sizes.

  47. Daize

    [re=624387]Potater[/re]: This is the funniest thing I have read today. You wins the intertoobz.

  48. RationalMan

    Don’t ya hate shopping sites where you click on the image of the product, and it opens an image that’s the same size as what you started with? What, that doesn’t bother you? Well, it bugs the hell out of me!

  49. illnoise

    Weak, where’s the “Truck Nutz” in Arabic shirt?

    I even sent you guys artwork.

    Bb.

Comments are closed.