ANNOUNCEMENTS  1:49 pm July 23, 2010

Get Your Official Fake Campaign Shirts! WonketteMart Open For Business!

by Ken Layne

One of Four awesome new Wonkette Shirts, DO IT NOW.The wait is over … and did you even realize you were waiting, all this time, for this? WonketteMart has opened for business, with our first batch of custom-designed beautiful, shocking Wonkette Fake Campaign Shirts. Go, look, and pre-order today to save money$$$. What is happening?

About six months ago, your Wonkette Industries management got together in some sexting chatroom and said, to nobody in particular, “Jesus, what does it take to actually get some ideas turned into actual products and online stores and warehouses and shipping and all that?” The answer, it turns out, is “many months of work and hassle and inspiration and bitter, bitter tears.”

These are the first official Wonkette items for sale, ever, in America or anywhere else. Much more quality stuff — laptop skins, books, patriotic dildos — will follow this inaugural batch of WonketteMart campaign Tees, imagined by your Wonkette editors and turned into quality silkscreened slave-free garments by a consortium of graphics and apparel professionals, including design work by an anonymous Fancy Pants Designer you may know by his Wonkette commenter name, “Corduroypants.” It’s all warehoused and shipped and customer-serviced and piloted by Amplifier in Austin, known for running the online stores of other beloved American Comedy Internet brands such as The Onion, Achewood and the Homestar Runner. Your happiness/sexytime is assured. [WonketteMart]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Judas Peckerwood July 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Whats with the apostrophe? Even the much more literate Founding Teabaggers didnt use one.

Potater July 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

I’m holding out for the BristoLevi brand condom: it breaks once, then turns into a purity ring! Recyclable!

Sharkey July 23, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Label me burninated.

Sharkey July 23, 2010 at 1:55 pm


Oblios Cap July 23, 2010 at 1:56 pm

patriotic dildos

What? You’re selling us?

Oh. Never mind, then. Your success is assured.

obfuscator July 23, 2010 at 1:57 pm


now i have a reason to get a job !

Chernobyl Soup July 23, 2010 at 1:59 pm

You turned Newel’s skin into t-shirts? That’s just sick.

Lazy Media July 23, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Here’s a free t-shirt idea. This Tenniel illustration, captioned with something like “Tea Party Patriots.” You’d sell them to Wonketteers AND irony-challenged teabaggers (aka teabaggers).

GIJoeIce July 23, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Needs more Basil Marceaux merch

teebob2000 July 23, 2010 at 2:01 pm

XL???? THAT’S your largest size, XL??? What about us internet-addicted fatties?? XL wouldn’t even fit around my arm, for fuck’s sake.

Washington sizeist/elitist.

Knightro829 July 23, 2010 at 2:03 pm

Freedom yellow.


Manos: Hands of Fate July 23, 2010 at 2:04 pm

More Lauri Apple artwork for sale.

nappyduggs July 23, 2010 at 2:06 pm

I would like to order a dozenty of each flavor, and please charge them to Mike Steele, c/o the RNC, thank you.

CrunchyKnee July 23, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Tops in tops!

chaste everywhere July 23, 2010 at 2:11 pm

When Jesus responded at last to your query, he used the word “hassle”? I am so almost sure.

nappyduggs July 23, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Ha ha. Trogggdorrrr!

freakishlystrong July 23, 2010 at 2:13 pm

I can’t wait for the Children’s Treasury of Wonkett items! I’ll buy a t-shirt, and wear it to bed. I live in Floriduh.

tunamelt July 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm

sexting chatroom =

or like some secret super special one?

SayItWithWookies July 23, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Now we just need the t-shirt industry to get off its lazy ass and figure out a way to put Blingees on clothing.

Oldskool July 23, 2010 at 2:22 pm

I want something like a Snuggie, please.

JMP July 23, 2010 at 2:22 pm

I wonder how many of those will be worn by actual Teabaggers who don’t get the irony; you know the ones who think that Colbert is one of them.

TakingAmes July 23, 2010 at 2:22 pm

The “S” is for dragon.

Oldskool July 23, 2010 at 2:22 pm

And please rub it down with bacon grease to save me the trouble. Thanks.

Chernobyl Soup July 23, 2010 at 2:28 pm

This is exactly how Nordstrom’s got its start.

Whatever Blows Your Skirt July 23, 2010 at 2:28 pm

OK, Fine. You finally made some shirts (really guys/gals it ain’t that hard) and so upon looking at them what do I see (or fail to in this case)?


NOWHERE does it have the names of our glorious leaders, or in this case their website thingy.

I will buy when, and only when, I can be properly BRANDED!!!11!!!

Ban hammer in 3…2…

CrunchyKnee July 23, 2010 at 2:29 pm

We can only hope that those are 100% American made in China shirts.

Extemporanus July 23, 2010 at 2:31 pm


I wrote you a really rambling, retrospectively-embarrassing, drunken sex letter Wedesday afternoon on your “Al Qaeda webzine redesign” post that hopefully nobody read, including you.

(Meaning my comment, not your post…though judging by pageviews, I guess that statement could apply equally to either…)

Anyhoo, please add this WonketteMart thing to the list of alive, evolving Wonkette attributes for which I previously mentioned being very thankful. That “Treadbagger” uniform is absolutely top drawer!

Also, if you would like to sell any merchandise featuring a dumb cunt’s desecrated retard (or whatever) please let me know and I’ll forward the files to you Ludlum-style via overly-complicated double-blind drop.


sleepy July 23, 2010 at 2:32 pm

needs moar snorg

Baldar T Flagass July 23, 2010 at 2:32 pm

[re=624427]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m sure some techno-geek has been working on it ever since he saw them T-shirts in Idiocracy.

Tundra Grifter July 23, 2010 at 2:33 pm

WoW! A Pre-Order Sale! Does that mean the price goes up just as soon as I order?

Baldar T Flagass July 23, 2010 at 2:38 pm

[re=624450]Tundra Grifter[/re]:
“Whoo… That’s some catch, that Catch-22.”
“It’s the best there is.”

upsidedownpaddle July 23, 2010 at 2:41 pm

I’m saving my obama-hobo nickels for the Wonkette trucknutz.

actor212 July 23, 2010 at 2:41 pm

“Jesus, what does it take to actually get some ideas turned into actual products and online stores and warehouses and shipping and all that?” The answer, it turns out, is “many months of work and hassle and inspiration and bitter, bitter tears.”

It took you months to take a cheap ass drawing of an old Colonial flag and Photoshop in a teabag?

I bet you outsourced the damn idea to some factory in Bangalore and took the rest of the month off for lunch!

Monsieur Grumpe July 23, 2010 at 2:45 pm

When do I get my shirt? Have you mailed it yet? Huh? Huh? I want to wear it to my cousins wedding. I’m checking the mailbox every day until I get it. !!!!! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

mbprice July 23, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Does this mean I can finally get my Wonkette T-shirt I was promised for my winning “Bird Certificate” drawing all those many moons ago??

facehead July 23, 2010 at 2:50 pm

[re=624439]Whatever Blows Your Skirt[/re]: I feel the same way, I was hoping for something that said ‘Wonkette’ on it.

Can we at least get Riley and Andrew Sullivan to model these things for us?

Snarkalicious July 23, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Clearly, we need a shirt that says “Wonketeer” on the front, and has the same thing in reverse on the back with a set of Nutz dangling underneath. I will sell you the copyrighted idea for the low low price of 6 whore-diamonds, 1 ‘i-fone’ and Sara’s phone number.

cheeto_jeebus July 23, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Don’t teabag on me, Bro !

better, n’est-ce pas ?

Doglessliberal July 23, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Well, now I have Xmas gifts for my northern relatives who believe the Commies are going to invade through Mexico and watermelon joke emails about Obama are funny, and my southern relatives who think Liberatarianism means they get all the tax breaks and free shit they want, but the poors need to go to churches to get crumbs and leftover Neosporin and that Sarah Palin is God. Happy Christmas, indeed!

libtard mama July 23, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Where are the Trig sizes???

Doglessliberal July 23, 2010 at 2:58 pm

[re=624494]Snarkalicious[/re]: or Wonketteer: I Am Funnier Than You are, and Can Spell.

Whatever Blows Your Skirt July 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm

[re=624485]facehead[/re]: Clearly the message sent at the wegles did not get through.

“WE WANT WONKETTE ON OUR WonKette SHIirts aNd wE waNt it nOW.”

We must lobby and spend more to get what we want ah-la well lobbyists.


Whatever Blows Your Skirt July 23, 2010 at 3:03 pm

[re=624513]Whatever Blows Your Skirt[/re]: and P.S. What [re=624403]teebob2000[/re] said.

desertwind July 23, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Do you take Ameros?

SpenceRedux July 23, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Dearest Wonkette, is fatty hatred the last acceptable bigotry in America? No XXL? Because I know how hard Fox is trying to bring back ye olde racism, but you’ve apparently beaten them to the punch with the sizism and whatnot. As Ken repeatedly points out, even are children are a nation of fatties.

Snarkalicious July 23, 2010 at 3:13 pm

[re=624509]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah? Well your mom can spell.

weejee July 23, 2010 at 3:17 pm

What, no thongs? Neilist will have a sad.

ForTheTurnstiles July 23, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Ok, it must be said:

needz moar trucknutz

AlexisHidell July 23, 2010 at 3:23 pm

It’s about time, for fuck’s sake. Every two-bit blog in the world has a goddam cafepress store.

Maus July 23, 2010 at 3:25 pm

WTF people with your size inflation demands, you’ve already turned me (5’11, 180lbs) into a S at most stores, if I turn into an XS, god damn America.

Tofu Eating Socialist July 23, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Finally, a reason to get off unemployment.

Doglessliberal July 23, 2010 at 3:28 pm

[re=624563]Maus[/re]: try being a 115 lb, 5’5 1/2″ woman. I am a negative 4 at Banana Republic. It is absurd.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 23, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I would buy the Wonkette Dildo, but only if it was nicknamed the Ana Marie Cocks.

[re=624447]sleepy[/re]: Or at least Ken could go old school and get the Snorg Girl to model the shirts.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 23, 2010 at 3:35 pm

[re=624403]teebob2000[/re]: Yeah, this is America, and a blog. Without at least XXXL, Ken is excluding at least 3/4 of his possible sales base.

oh hi mark July 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

I’m waiting for the “Daoists for Greene” t-shirt.

Ted Kennedy Breakdancing July 23, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Please include fatty sizes. We fatties will give you many of our schekles to stretch Walnut’s face over our man tits.

No really, more fatty sizes please. I want.

Snarkalicious July 23, 2010 at 3:47 pm

[re=624570]Tofu Eating Socialist[/re]: Only if they don’t get set up to take Link Cards.

facehead July 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm

[re=624546]weejee[/re]: Is Nelist the master at arms and thongs? The division of labor around here is fucked.

Fuck Toad July 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm

I concur with the call for a shirt saying “WONKETTE” that fats can wear, also.

But good job with the store anyway. My apartment is cluttered with Achewood merch and it is all Hi-Kwalitee.

Lazy Media July 23, 2010 at 3:55 pm

You should add this to your lineup. Put “Tea Party Patriots” under it, and it will sell to Wonketeers AND irony-challenged (all) teabaggers alike.

Dashboard_Buddha July 23, 2010 at 3:56 pm

+1 for more fatty sizes. And don’t be shy – Cafe Press can go up to 4x.

Sgt. Biyatch July 23, 2010 at 3:57 pm

I’d like to see less Teabaggery on the t-shirts, if only because I don’t want to get my arse kicked when I travel back to my parents’ house.

GOPCrusher July 23, 2010 at 3:58 pm

The store needs a Punishing Dildo Hammer.

ReasonableMan July 23, 2010 at 4:09 pm

HEY! What about those of us who are keeping teh country afloat buying tons and tons of butter for our guns? The biggest shirt you have is XL???? PUH-LEEESE. Get some double and triples up there (maybe even a few 4X for your Mississippi fans.

Rotundo July 23, 2010 at 4:32 pm

XL as the largest size? Henngggghhhh? Darn things wouldn’t even cover my sagging moobs. Start firing up those XXXL and XXXXL for us buffet dining manbearpigs out here in real amerikkka!

Oh hell to the no July 23, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I just want a classy Wonkette logo shirt! You know, something I can wear to job interviews.

WadISay July 23, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Any chance you could get these modelled by someone with a nice rack and toothsome smile? I was thinking of Newell.

iwillsavethispatient July 23, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Great, got my order in, so I can have knowing nods from fellow wonketteers on my travels.

Looking forward to an official Wonkette bathrobe, for wearing whilst blog-reading. I mention this everytime WonketteMart has been mentioned. If I keep mentioning it, it will happen, yes?

Anita Cocktail July 23, 2010 at 5:17 pm

[re=624404]Knightro829[/re]: plus it flatters the sallow skin that Wonketeers have from spending too much time staring into the monitor screen o’ doom.

just pixels July 23, 2010 at 5:32 pm

I would like a muslin T-shirt that says “Proud American Muslin”. Wait, make it out of pot instead of muslin and make it say “Try burning this one”. Wait, make it a pair of shorts that say “Too big to fail” on the front.

karen July 23, 2010 at 5:52 pm

ordered me a teabag one :D THANKS WONKETTE!

Cool2Snog July 23, 2010 at 5:55 pm

*blink* Heather Gray was the name of my first girlfriend.

chascates July 23, 2010 at 6:17 pm

We are delighted that you’ve chosen to spend some of your hard-won (or borrowed) dollars at our emporium of American Political Filth.

For the first time in my life I’m proud to be an American.

Jukesgrrl July 23, 2010 at 6:37 pm

[re=624607]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: But have you ever seen a Cafe Press 4X? They make them wider and wider, but not longer. I bought one for a friend at Christmas and it was big enough, but left his belly hanging out. Is that the way teabaggers like ‘em?

finallyhappy July 23, 2010 at 7:40 pm

I’m trying to decide which one to buy. Around here- everyone will get i-t whichever one I wear but I am wondering if I wear it on my southern vacation…

Ken Layne July 24, 2010 at 12:02 am

[re=624445]Extemporanus[/re]: Thank you very much for that.

Jennasaurus Rex July 24, 2010 at 12:59 am

No women’s small? THIS IS REVERSE SIZE-ISM!!!111!1!!!1!

Jennasaurus Rex July 24, 2010 at 1:07 am

But seriously, how big is this “medium”?

Potater July 24, 2010 at 5:35 am

I feel like enough of a fatass having to buy larges and then shrink them in the dryer, but now you make me think that I’m the SECOND LARGEST SIZE POSSIBLE? Please, for the sake of my diminishing body image, add in some super fatty sizes.

Daize July 24, 2010 at 10:32 am

[re=624387]Potater[/re]: This is the funniest thing I have read today. You wins the intertoobz.

sharkchum July 24, 2010 at 10:58 am

Can I get it in Boehner orange?

Daize July 24, 2010 at 11:51 am

[re=624970]sharkchum[/re]: Dude, the Boehner Ooompa-loompa graphic! In Boehner orange!

NYNYNY July 24, 2010 at 5:21 pm

Fuck this! Im out of here!

lampadadog July 24, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Where is my t-shirt that says 5 WHORE DIAMONDS!

greylox July 24, 2010 at 8:22 pm

**I want mine to say:

Don’t teabag on me, BRO!

RationalMan July 24, 2010 at 8:23 pm

Don’t ya hate shopping sites where you click on the image of the product, and it opens an image that’s the same size as what you started with? What, that doesn’t bother you? Well, it bugs the hell out of me!

Zorg July 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm

What? No Bill Kristol portrait toilet paper rolls? Whose doing your product development?

illnoise July 27, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Weak, where’s the “Truck Nutz” in Arabic shirt?

I even sent you guys artwork.


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