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Official (???) Alvin Greene Ad Takes On Porn Charges, Is Insanely Catchy

Study every frame intently for enlightenmentThe New York Times cheerily announced the death of all our hopes and dreams today by announcing that Alvin Greene “is now out with his first campaign video.” Perhaps leaving his home and talking with voters in person could be forgiven by his superiors at the Daoist monastery, but surely producing a slick hip-hop video urging people to vote for him and releasing it on the Internet is incompatible with true oneness with the Way. But we here at Wonkette suspect that this video was not released by the Greene uncampaign at all! After the jump, we dismantle these patently false assertions from the so-called “paper of record” (plus we have the video itself, you must watch it, it is amazing).

When I say Alvin, do you say Greene?

Now, we don’t want to take anything away from this video! It is a fine example of any number of the genres to which it might reasonably be assigned. However, as an official campaign video, it seems a bit off. For one thing, it lacks the “I’m Alvin Greene, and I approve this message” line that is supposedly legally required on these things. The replay of Greene’s (deliberately, to unsettle minds and lead them towards the Way) awkward joke to NAACP at the end doesn’t count. But such disregard for earthly law leads us to the next suspicious element, at 0:46:

Related video

Shep Smith is very interested in this Internet porn of which you speak

We’re not elitist media consultants, and Alvin Greene couldn’t afford to hire such people anyway, but surely anyone would know better than to refer to his own upcoming trial on porn charges in a campaign ad, right? RIGHT?

Well, maybe that’s just unconventional campaigning. But something else suspicious happened just before that, at around 0:44:

Up with people

Oh, come on, you’re saying, it’s just another line of third-rate hip-hop dancers for hire. Is it? Is it? Or is it a clip lifted from the campaign ad Florida State Representative Mike Weinstein ran, an ad showcased on this very site and produced and choreographed by Weinstein’s own son?

Oh, did we just BLOW YOUR MIND?

We submit to you that this so-called “official” Alvin Greene ad was actually produced by a talented and industrious Wonkette reader; at least, we assume that anyone who is obsessed with Alvin Greene and crappy campaign ads would probably be reading our site. Further evidence: the ad appears nowhere on Greene’s own site. Also, while “Alvin Greene Is On The Scene” is the only video currently uploaded by YouTube user “virgiltexas”, said user’s homepage features another video in similar style, featuring sassy rapping ladies.

Counterevidence: The video is promoted on the Alvin Greene for Senate Twitter feed. Do we know for sure that Alvin even runs that feed? It does not bear the checkmark denoting Twitter’s seal of authenticity, which is the gold standard for validation of Internet identity. And perhaps Greene read the New York Times story and simply chose to show the world what uncampaigning can do: by merely existing in alignment with the Way, you can cause campaign ads to create themselves with no effort on your part. Somewhere, a Daoist abbot is very pleased.

In other, more disquieting news, Alvin Greene’s military records indicate that he is “usually capable of handling mundane tasks with supervision” but “not able to adapt to any changes to daily routine.” We’re sure that, uh, there’s something very Daoist about that. [NYT/AP]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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1 comment

  1. MarieDeGournay

    Well I know when my daily routine go awry I always end up showing porn to chubby college girls.

  2. Baldar T Flagass

    Virgil Texas!! That dance routine video is lifted from that town’s 150th anniversary Celebration of Specialness. True story!

  3. JMP

    This is South Carolina, I don’t think rap is exactly the best genre to win over the rural racists who populate that state; someone needs to create a whiny country version of the song STAT.

    On the other hand, “He knows how it feels ’cause he’s unemployed too” may be the best campaign slogan ever.

  4. eyegoneblack

    I would so much rather have this in my head all day than that damned (danged?) Mike Weinstein song.

    (When I say Alvin, you say Greene!…)

  5. thefrontpage

    THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO IN YEARS.

    ALVIN GREENE FOR PRESIDENT!

    ALVIN GREENE IS THE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE.

    ALVIN GREENE FOR SENATE!

    ALVIN GREENE FOR PRESIDENT!

  6. CapnFatback

    Oh no, I’m not going to fall for that twice. The clues are there. I’m not getting my hopes up only to watch The Election and find out that Greene is gonna play point guard for the Heat.

  7. Oblios Cap

    WTF is so much LeBron footage doing int that? And who makes 3-minute campaign ads.

    That said, it’s an awesome video! Feel the Tao.

  8. AnglRdr

    In other, more disquieting news, Alvin Greene’s military records indicate that he is “usually capable of handling mundane tasks with supervision” but “not able to adapt to any changes to daily routine.” We’re sure that, uh, there’s something very Daoist about that.
    Mundane tasks with supervision tends to indicate an IQ in the BIF range. I wish I could vote for him. But I have to stay in Tennessee and cast my vote for Basil.

  9. bfstevie

    “usually capable of handling mundane tasks with supervision” but “not able to adapt to any changes to daily routine.”

    Wouldn’t this reflect the skill set needed to be a Republican senator other than the trio from New England and Lindsay Graham?

  10. facehead

    Wonkette > NYT

    No man can eat 50 eggs, and no man could have been the director, producer, fluffer, etc. of such a fine video.

    Srry, I’m laughing too hard to come up with anything funny.

    MUST WATCH VID AGAIN.

  11. harry palmer

    The porn charges are just part of the epic hero’s journey, the attempt to undo him by jealous adversaries. Joseph Campbell wrote about this in a book about Alvin Greene.

  12. Ted Kennedy Breakdancing

    When you see LeBron, think Alvin Greene. Seriously, how fucking bizarre was that?

  13. JMP

    [re=624116]bflrtsplk[/re]: You know, I’d like to hear this song sped up to 45 RPM.

    (Yes, I am very old and remember records)

  14. Ted Kennedy Breakdancing

    Also what does “SMH” mean when the rapper talks about showing porn to college chicks? Show me Ho?

  15. eyegoneblack

    [re=624133]Ted Kennedy Breakdancing[/re]: Shaking My Head – so says the dictionary of urban speak.

  16. North of Moscow

    There’s some deep subliminal messaging in that clip of the woman’s hand trying to shove that old, wrinkled dollar bill into the machine.

  17. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    [re=624121]bfstevie[/re]: Well, he did blame his poor military records on “terrorists and communists” so he would fit right in with the Republican senators.

  18. facehead

    This is clearly the most important story ever, so I’m doing some detective work here … I’ll bill Wonkette later.

    There is some Twitter or twat-like account named virgiltexas (same name which uploaded the vid on the utube), here: http://twitter.com/virgiltexas

    ‘virgiltexas’ makes lots of references to Alvin Greene and maybe a humorous person IRL. Apparently virgiltexas is named ‘jacques lacanine.’ Which means he’s French or gay.

    I can’t decipher all this twatting, but I’m under the impression virgiltexas did not make the video. Stay tuned, I’m bored enough to take this to the source.

  19. doxastic

    [re=624193]facehead[/re]: Jacques Lacan(ine), eh? Someone’s still having a go with you.

  20. facehead

    [re=624203]doxastic[/re]: There must be something illegal about a twat impersonating a French philosopher.

    No matter, I’m hot on the trail.

  21. Lazy Media

    That rap opening had a very familiar feel to it. Not old school, exactly, more like “mid-’80s white people have just discovered rap” school.

    Is Alvin Greene a Tri Lambda?

  22. Davidwatts

    I would also submit that it is unlikely and incredibly pointless to use the cover of a record by european dance-pop band Justice to represent the concept of “Justice” in a campaign ad, ESPECIALLY one set to air in South Carolina, America, and not Berlin or Lyon. It IS, however, a funny thing to do in your joke video.

  23. Sgt. Biyatch

    [re=624226]Lazy Media[/re]: Exactly the vibe I got. Anytime “and I’m here to say” is used in the first line, it means a white person was involved.

    Is Alvin Greene taking his talents to South Beach?

  24. TJBeck

    from CNN:

    …Multiple news organizations, including the New York Times, said the video is an “official” product of Greene’s campaign, but Greene says he had nothing to do with it.

    “I don’t know who made it,” Greene told CNN.

    But that doesn’t mean he isn’t listening.

    “It sounds good,” he said. “Make sure everybody hears it.”

    It appears the video was created by a San Francisco hip-hop producer calling himself “Satellite High” and uploaded to YouTube by a user called “virgiltexas.”

    Both men promoted the video on their Twitter feeds yesterday, with Satellite High proclaiming: “when i say ‘alvin’ you say ‘dammit you people will believe anything.’”

    The producer did not immediately respond to an e-mail seeking comment.

    UPDATE: Jay Friedman, the San Francisco-based producer behind the song, is amused at the attention the video has gotten. The entire concept, he said, was developed among a group of friends “goofing off” on Twitter who had been following the Alvin Greene phenomenon.

    “I just like making funny music, and a friend of mine on Twitter approached me asking, ‘You wanna do this’,” Friedman said in phone conversation. “It was kind of inside jokey thing.”

    Friedman said the song took about an hour to complete, with some extra time needed to convince his wife to perform back-up vocals. The video, which was posted on YouTube Thursday, was produced by his friend.

    He said he was taken aback when the video was billed as an “official” Greene campaign video.

    “When we were making it, we were trying to make sure there was enough comedy and parody in it so that people would be sure that it didnt come from the Alvin Greene campaign,” Friedman said. “People are willing to believe very strange things when they come from the internet.”

    http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2010/07/23/alvin-greene-is-on-the-scene-not-official-but-greenes-listening/?fbid=2-i6hwMOvn6

  25. earnestcivilservant

    “….perhaps Greene read the New York Times story and simply chose to show the world what uncampaigning can do: by merely existing in alignment with the Way, you can cause campaign ads to create themselves with no effort on your part.”

    Can we get them all to campaign that way? Please?

  26. facehead

    [re=624316]Mobute[/re], [re=624319]TJBeck[/re]: TY BOTH!

    I was keeping track, and the number of views on youtube for the video jumped by 3k in the past hour.

  27. Sharkey

    Mobute, TJBeck: This makes sense. I don’t think A. Greene can really grasp the concept of music, much less of music videos. Concepts are not mean to be grasped in the first place.

  28. Mobute

    [re=624363]Sharkey[/re]:

    Agreed. Alvin Greene Campaigns with the art of the Empty Hand.

  29. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Jay is awesome. Yes, it was a joke, but you’re right: it is now part of the mellow juggernaut uncampaign that is gaining steam, the Green Machine! Stay tuned.

  30. BlinkyThe3EyedFish

    [re=624319]TJBeck[/re]: I like how these guys say that “People are willing to believe very strange things when they come from the internet.” People (apparently the NYT included) are willing to believe very strange things about Alvin Greene. The medium is irrelevant.

  31. Surfeit O'Hubris

    [re=624165]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: I’m afraid I have to disagree: To fit in with Reublican senators, he’d also need to blame the homasekshuls and black people.

  32. tbplayer

    ATTN: WONKETTE

    The if you are like me and wanted to get your Alvin Greene is on the scene fix today, you know doubt already know that the video has been taken down by a copyright claim from Frank Strategies, A) a lobbying group that in no way owns the copyright to the video, and B) is associated with the Jim Demint campaign! They, too, are bad men! make your voice heard! Complain to YouTube! Tweet angrily to @frankstrategies ! Alternate hosts for the video are being sought so that you can update your page. Go Greene!

  33. facehead

    [re=625949]tbplayer[/re]: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ONLY WONKETTE CAN PROTECT THE ALVIN GREENES OF THE WORLD ALL OF US WILL BURN IN A FIERY HELL OF OINTMENT AND DIAPER RASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    HELP JEBUS GOD! SUSTAIN MAH BEAUTY!!!

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