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Study every frame intently for enlightenmentThe New York Times cheerily announced the death of all our hopes and dreams today by announcing that Alvin Greene “is now out with his first campaign video.” Perhaps leaving his home and talking with voters in person could be forgiven by his superiors at the Daoist monastery, but surely producing a slick hip-hop video urging people to vote for him and releasing it on the Internet is incompatible with true oneness with the Way. But we here at Wonkette suspect that this video was not released by the Greene uncampaign at all! After the jump, we dismantle these patently false assertions from the so-called “paper of record” (plus we have the video itself, you must watch it, it is amazing).

When I say Alvin, do you say Greene?

Now, we don’t want to take anything away from this video! It is a fine example of any number of the genres to which it might reasonably be assigned. However, as an official campaign video, it seems a bit off. For one thing, it lacks the “I’m Alvin Greene, and I approve this message” line that is supposedly legally required on these things. The replay of Greene’s (deliberately, to unsettle minds and lead them towards the Way) awkward joke to NAACP at the end doesn’t count. But such disregard for earthly law leads us to the next suspicious element, at 0:46:

Shep Smith is very interested in this Internet porn of which you speak

We’re not elitist media consultants, and Alvin Greene couldn’t afford to hire such people anyway, but surely anyone would know better than to refer to his own upcoming trial on porn charges in a campaign ad, right? RIGHT?

Well, maybe that’s just unconventional campaigning. But something else suspicious happened just before that, at around 0:44:

Up with people

Oh, come on, you’re saying, it’s just another line of third-rate hip-hop dancers for hire. Is it? Is it? Or is it a clip lifted from the campaign ad Florida State Representative Mike Weinstein ran, an ad showcased on this very site and produced and choreographed by Weinstein’s own son?

Oh, did we just BLOW YOUR MIND?

We submit to you that this so-called “official” Alvin Greene ad was actually produced by a talented and industrious Wonkette reader; at least, we assume that anyone who is obsessed with Alvin Greene and crappy campaign ads would probably be reading our site. Further evidence: the ad appears nowhere on Greene’s own site. Also, while “Alvin Greene Is On The Scene” is the only video currently uploaded by YouTube user “virgiltexas”, said user’s homepage features another video in similar style, featuring sassy rapping ladies.

Counterevidence: The video is promoted on the Alvin Greene for Senate Twitter feed. Do we know for sure that Alvin even runs that feed? It does not bear the checkmark denoting Twitter’s seal of authenticity, which is the gold standard for validation of Internet identity. And perhaps Greene read the New York Times story and simply chose to show the world what uncampaigning can do: by merely existing in alignment with the Way, you can cause campaign ads to create themselves with no effort on your part. Somewhere, a Daoist abbot is very pleased.

In other, more disquieting news, Alvin Greene’s military records indicate that he is “usually capable of handling mundane tasks with supervision” but “not able to adapt to any changes to daily routine.” We’re sure that, uh, there’s something very Daoist about that. [NYT/AP]

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