it's morning in america

Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc.

Jul 23 8:27 am 2010
  • What, me unethical?Charlie Rangel is going on trial! Did you even know that Congress could put people on trial, for ethics violations? Well, they can, but they don’t usually, because most Congressfolk generally just say “Yeah, you caught me” and slink away in shame when the Ethics Committee points out their many moral failings. Not Charlie Rangel, though! He’s positive giddy at the prospect: “At long last, sunshine has pierced through this cloud that has been over my head for more than two years.” The last guy who had a trial like this in the house was Jim Traficant, and you remember how awesome that was. [WP]
  • The Obama administration wants to cut the defense budget. Maybe they are a bunch of liberals after all? [NYT]
  • Meanwhile, the administration’s immigration policies seek to allow artists and other anarchist subversives into the country even more quickly. [NYT]
  • Ever heard of the Spratly and Paracel islands? You will, once World War III starts over them. [Bloomberg]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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  • ManchuCandidate

    Oh boy, China/Vietnam/Philippines/Taiwan and maybe the US America fighting over little jagged rocks (aka the Spratlys and Paracels) that barely break the surface of the ocean.

    Oil? Oh right. Carry on then.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=624006]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
    Well, at least they have an airport. That’s worth fighting over.

    http://img142.imageshack.us/i/paracelislands.jpg/

  • Serolf Divad

    Charlie Rangel’s hair appears to be biologically attached to his head at the root, so I’m doubting his trial will be quite as much fun as Traficant’s.

  • norbizness

    He walks in the hearing room cool and slow / Who calls the ethics chairman Daddy-O?

    CHARLIE RANGEL! CHARLIE RANGEL! THEY LET HIM DANGLE! THAT CHARLIE RANGEL!

    P.S. I can’t imagine that they could find something to cut in a budget that’s only bigger than all other countries’ defense budgets put together.

  • Oblios Cap

    I’m not holding my breath over WWIII over the rocks. I’m still waiting for the next Malvinas War over the Falklands after the Brits found oil there.

    The Congress being a motley collection of asshats and crooks, it is guaranteed that Rangel will be tried by a jury of his peers.

  • TheGryphon

    [re=624010]Serolf Divad[/re]: ah but you forget, Charly has REALLY REALLY large, pendulous balls, (see his statement about being happy about the trial where he will be burned as a witch) and a funny voice.

  • red sky

    but, but, but,.. don’t we need every dime of the defense budget to save us from the British, no,, maybe, the Communists, oh wait, that’s not it, terrorists, right, we need B2 bomber and air craft carriers, plus a fleet of F-22’s to fight Abdul with his three legged mule and an RPG. I seem to remember Eisenhower saying something about a Military Industrial, something, something, couldn’t have been important, especially since it came from a pinko like Ike, wait, he was a Republican, now I’m really confused.

  • Geogre

    Charlie is counting on decades of entrenchment, a web of contacts with a radius greater than the great megalopolis, and the ability to cause havoc. Now, whether all of that really exists in this day or age or not, I don’t know.

    However, he’s certainly no Burris. He hasn’t built a tomb with his accomplishments on it, yet, or a pyramid covering Brooklyn.

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=624011]norbizness[/re]:

    I’m sure there are plenty of veterans’ benefits left to cut out of the budget.

  • GuyClinch

    Spratly Paracel/Palin 2012!

  • facehead

    Alfred E. Rangel alt-text win.

    There’s something about that photo which says “Did I fart on you? Well, I farted on me too.”

  • freakishlystrong

    Cut the Defense Budget? Fox will not hear of it. Only tax cuts for the wealthy will work on the now scarier than muslins DEFICIT.

  • Chickensmack

    Jabba the Rangel.

  • x111e7thst

    Since we will soon fight China over the Spratly and Paracel islands we should increase the defense and intelligence budgets massively. I’m sure these increases could be funded by borrowing from the Chinese.

  • Serolf Divad

    Holy crap, take a look at the map of the area that China claims as its territorial waters:

    http://www.un.org/Depts/los/clcs_new/submissions_files/mysvnm33_09/chn_2009re_mys_vnm_e.pdf

    Now be afraid… be very afraid.

  • Ducksworthy

    So… did charlie start a war on false pretenses and kill half a million innocent people, wreck the economy, loot the treasury and send the money to dubai? If so, then a trial in the house of representatives would be appropriate. If its just blowjobs or petty graft, meh.

  • JMP

    Hm; on the one hand, our immigration system is severely fucked up, being expensive, overly complicated and arbitrary, and any reform to it would be welcome. On the other, according to the Times article visa issues recently caused a Ska band to cancel US concerts, and that is a service to America.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    Now that the Senate gave the greenlight to runaway climate change, all we gotta do is get the conflicting parties to hold off about ten years and all them islands will be underwater. That reminds me, I need to get that trip to the Maldives I’ve been putting off out of the way soon.

  • donner_froh

    [re=624027]Serolf Divad[/re]: Plus all the oil under the Arctic Sea and a couple of nude beaches on the Canary Islands.

  • JMP

    [re=624068]donner_froh[/re]: And not only are we running out of oil, but once the Arctic ice cap melts it’ll suddenly be (relatively) easy to get to that oil. With several powerful countries with big navies bordering it. Certainly a great recipe for peace and stability.

  • MarieDeGournay

    I surprised someone hasn’t made a Charlie Rangel plushy yet.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Charles Rangel looks like what if Charmin hired Cab Calloway to play Mr. Whipple in their commercials.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Rangel Left To Dangle, Finds New Angle

  • Scaggsville guy

    Headless Body in Topless Rent-Controlled Apartment of Congressman

  • S.Luggo

    Never Forget Quemoy and Matsu! Blood Before Treasure!

    If one might recall, fiddle-faddly like this over some stinking island started the War of Northern Aggression Against the Happy Freedoms-Loving South. I’m a bit a hazy on this point, but but I believe that the island was called “Fire“. http://tinyurl.com/28bbzxx At least from the Charleston side of the water.

  • Come here a minute

    Spratly and Paracel are the new Alsace and Lorraine!

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    I think Chuck should be declared non compos mentis and sentenced to 18 months community service in the House gym.

  • GOPCrusher

    Cut the defense budget? Well, this should renew the Fiscally Responsible Republiklans chant of “Tax and Spend” Democrats.
    Maybe if we had more tax cuts, we could increase defense spending.

  • Malketeer

    Sometime after 9/11, I saw a teevee interview with some Navy bightshot who was asked what the Navy needed to fight the War on Terror ™. He responded, completely straight-faced: “a new submarine”.

    I think that tells you everything you need to know about the “defense” budget.

  • MsQuasimodo

    [re=624700]Malketeer[/re]: The Dept of Defense is the biggest socialist game in the U.S. Secure jobs, pay, benefits, health insurance, always hiring … Every corpsman I’ve worked with has said they were either laid off from their jobs (including a public school teacher) or could not find jobs, or want to get into the health care field and Navy will pay for their training. They needed a fucking job so the joined the Navy – the safest military branch to join. Of course a good number of those in the DoD scream about dirty SOCIALISTS while they themselves and their families partake of the DoD’s many socialist benefits. (This might be part of the Lizard People’s grand plan, though – ensure a constant supply of recruits from the lower to middle social orders by creating a permanent low wage, no benefit, temporary worker economy with chronic high unemployment, so young people are essentially forced to conscript in order to survive.)