The Crusades

Florida Church Introduces ‘Hot’ 9/11 Party Idea

Jesus died so that we could make ourselves look like washed-up porn actors.The Dove World Outreach Center is a Gainesville, Florida-based church whose members believe in “the whole Bible,” the “end times,” and other cool Jesus stuff. For September 11, they’ve planned a whopper of a party called “International Burn a Quran Day,” and it is very inclusive! Anyone with a Koran to burn and the belief that Islam is “of the Devil” can attend. A bad-ass mustache is optional, especially for ladies.

IB a Q Day ‘10 will celebrate some of Real America’s most popular past times, such as:

  • setting Korans on fire
  • watching the pretty orange colors
  • praying
  • repressing urges
  • just drinking the fruit punch and not thinking like that, about the desires
  • chatting about how the world’s gonna end soon

Sounds even better than the No Homo Mayor Protest! That’s Dove World’s other upcoming, more Westboro Baptist Church-y event, at which they’ll go to Gainesville City Hall and yell and yell until incoming mayor Craig Lowe turns into Anita Bryant.

Senior pastor Terry Jones and his World of peaceful Doves hate muslinism so much because it’s “a violent and oppressive religion that is trying to mascarade itself as a religion of peace, seeking to deceive our society.” (With mascara!) The church has erected an “Islam is of the devil” sign in their front yard, which people in the town don’t really like — even though it is, as Jones told the Gainesville Sun, “a great act of love.” Unlike homosexuality — which the church website says is “detestable, indecent, wicked, offensive, perverted, shameful, unnatural, degrading, impure, futile, foolish, godless, dishonorable, a lie.” (This assessment does not apply on Sundays between 8 PM and midnight, when the church invites fellow Floridian and friend-of-rent-boys George Rekers to lead a Bible study session. Bring a covered dish!)

If you’re a woman who wants to leave Islam, Dove World will give you free shelter and food. This deal does not apply to muslin dudes, though, which is partly why all muslin-men are angry terrorists. [Dove World Outreach Center/Gainesville Sun]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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1 comment

  1. Redhead

    What about children who want to leave? Or are little boys only allowed to leave Islam and seek shelter on Sundays between 8 pm and midnight?

  2. Oblios Cap

    The religion of peace and love, not to mention tolerance, just keeps on giving.

    Since this “group” is based in Gainesville, I assume this is just more Gator assholey-ness.

  3. Oblios Cap

    [re=624026]Redhead[/re]:

    Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Be they yellow, black or white, they are equal in his sight. At least in theory.

  4. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=624026]Redhead[/re]: oh im sure those little boys will be welcomed in the pastors office. Expect a scandal in the papers soon. I’m sure things have already happend.

  5. Serolf Divad

    I just realized: Christianity falsely portrays itself as not a religion of douchebags.

  6. Gun-toting Progressive

    “Senior pastor Terry Jones and his World of peaceful Doves…” I thought this had a Monty Pythonesque-quality to it. It just won’t be the same without Graham Chapman.

  7. Clancy_Pants

    Do you need to be a Mufti to call a fatwa? and do you have to be Muslim to be a Mufti? What I’m getting at is can we just do the fatwa on these folks?

  8. Texan Bulldoggette

    Seriously, why don’t all these folks (along with the tea baggers, NASCAR fans, and anyone named ‘Bubba’) gather together & live in one place? (I nominate KY because, meh, who there would know the difference?) Then the rest of us can live in peace.

  9. jodyleek

    Good christ, I am going to have to watch several hours of the real Terry Jones, cross-dressed in various Python skits, to get the image of that creepy, closeted pillow-biting pastor out of my mind.

  10. V572625694

    It takes quite a bit of effort to make literalist Koran-protectors look rational, but the Dove World Outreach Center has done it.

  11. weejee

    So Lauri, iff’n I haz the right and proper, the Reverend Mr. Senior Pastor Terry (I.B.) Jones’n had a hard on for Gainesville’s new totally ghey Mayor Lowe, who spurned the Rev. calling him Princess Tiny Meat. So now Pastor Jones’n haz a sand is a’ gonna be burning muslins to feed to his doves?

    Religion in ‘Murica is just so beautiful. ‘Scusies while I wipe a tear from my eye. Such a delightful way to start the day. Sniff, sniff.

  12. Oblios Cap

    [re=624041]Clancy_Pants[/re]:

    You’ve got to a military man’s civilian clothes to declare a fatwa? I did not know that.

  13. x111e7thst

    [re=624030]Oblios Cap[/re]: You have obviously been deluded by an incorrect translation promulgated by liberals to advance their socialist agenda. The Conservative Bible Project will sort all that out.

  14. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=624044]jodyleek[/re]: Huh. I just got done rewatching his series about the Crusades. Still haven’t been able to wade through “Who Murdered Chaucer?” though.
    “C’mon, let’s go to a stoning.”

  15. Adversary153

    [re=624042]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Didn’t they try that in South Carolina? About ten years ago all these fundies were moving there to create a christian state. Then they voted in Mark Sanford and Wonkette was able to sell more adspace. Good times, good times!

  16. JMP

    Those damn Muslims are so violent, they might do something truly abhorrent like burn a bunch of Bibles.

    Don’t tell us Terry Jones has turned all wignut and Christiany on us! He might be overlooked compared to the other Pythons, but he did most of the directing and was hilarious as Mr. Creosote.

  17. BOOBIES!

    I suspect if Pastor Mustache Rides had told Thomas Jefferson to burn his Quran, Pres. Jefferson would have told him to go fuck himself.

  18. Geogre

    I wonder if they post a link to Amazon so that their members can buy a Koran… you know, for burning.

    Don’t worry, though: it’s very unlikely congregants would read it, as they don’t seem to have read their own Bible in all this time.

  19. JMP

    [re=624042]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: They do, we call it The South. Unfortunately parts of it like Florida here have some decent people stuck living among the nuts.

  20. Johnny Zhivago

    Keep provoking a billion Muslims like this and you’re definitely going to accelerate those “end times”.

  21. madtowngooner

    Terry Jones was the unfunniest Python and all the rest of the Pythons hated him. Turn him into a newt.

  22. Katydid

    [re=624059]JMP[/re]: I knew a really good woman, a born-again Christian woman in Greenville, SC, who told me that the Masons were no good because they swore an oath to the Koe-ran. When I asked her why they would do that, she seemed puzzled, and said, “Well, I don’t know, but they do.”

    But, really, she was a good person. Just ignorant, not stupid. Too steeped in bible study and bible classes, and not enough thinking.

  23. user-of-owls

    [re=624058]Geogre[/re]: You know what would be fun? Going to IB a Q Day with a Bible printed in Arabic. Or failing that, a copy of “My Pet Goat.”

  24. user-of-owls

    [re=624029]Katydid[/re]: What if you’re a post-operative bisexual female Muslim who wants that free stuff?

    The mind reels.

  25. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=624059]JMP[/re]: I hear you–same here in TX (except I live in the sane part–Austin). But pretty soon the browns are going to outnumber the whites & either we’ll get a fucking Democratic governor or the apocalypse will happen. (With the Dems ability to screw up a steel ball with a feather, I’ll bet on the latter.)

  26. harry palmer

    [re=624058]Geogre[/re]: “Don’t worry, though: it’s very unlikely congregants would read it, as they don’t seem to have read their own Bible in all this time.”

    Oh, I don’t know, there’s an awful lot of smitin’ of the furriners and hatin’ on their puny, pipsqueak gods, and the thought of said pipsqueak gods, who Yahweh also passed laws against, seems to cause Yahweh’s omnipotent rod of love to shrivel.

  27. bureaucrap

    [re=624029]Katydid[/re]: Presumably you’d just catch the next non-crashing greyhound bus and go.

    Here’s my question: Is Dove Church at least 1/4 cleansing cream? Because if it’s not, I’m not buying it.

  28. Redhead

    [re=624030]Oblios Cap[/re]: Red and yellow, black or white, just as long as they’re too young to tell mommy, daddy or the newspaper what exactly happens in the pastor’s office?

  29. norbizness

    Isn’t that guy the malevolent preacher-spirit that tried to kidnap Carol-Ann in Poltergeist? I almost didn’t recognize him with the new facial hair.

  30. Darth America

    I assume there will be a lynching as well? What International Burn Your Koran Day would be complete without a good lynching? Am I right? Anyone?

  31. JMP

    [re=624065]Katydid[/re]: Angry against the Masons? My, that’s some seriously old-school conspiracy theory.

  32. Redhead

    [re=624029]Katydid[/re]: Only homo MALES are a wicked abomination whatever lie. Lesbians are good… that’s it, oh yes baby yes baby yes a little more yes YES YES YESYESYESYESYESYESYES ahhhhhhhhhh

  33. HedonismBot

    Ever since the 2000 “election” (maybe, more accurately, since the whole Elian Gonzales thing, and continuing unabated through the Terry Schiavo thing, and a whole host of other weird things which I can’t quite recall) I’ve had this idea that Florida is basically an open-air insane asylum, full of Castro-hating Cubans, Buchanan-voting Jews, millions of fundie Christian wackjobs, and assorted other criminals and sideshow freaks.
    I want so badly to believe my impression is false. Could someone who lives in Florida please tell me otherwise?

  34. Johnny Zhivago

    I have to suggest this at our little Presbyterian Church – maybe a “burn the Koran bonfire” would draw more interest than the usual “Rummage Sale” or “Bingo” fundraisers.

  35. Liberty Vader

    [re=624058]Geogre[/re]: Don’t let them know you can buy copies of the Koran through Amazon or they’ll begin a boycott.

  36. MarieDeGournay

    [re=624074]norbizness[/re]: Nah, that’s what Red Skull looks like without the mask.

  37. Redhead

    [re=624078]HedonismBot[/re]: Have you ever read Tim Dorsey or Carl Hiaasen novels? They (and Dave Barry) started as reporters for major Florida newspapers before writing their novels, which are definitely influenced by their times as reporters. But hell, it makes for hilarious reading!

  38. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=624078]HedonismBot[/re]: I think half the population of New England born between 1915 and 1950 is down there too. There’s some kind of genetic imprimatur that sends all them chowds down there. I think maybe the rest are in AZ.

  39. JMP

    [re=624078]HedonismBot[/re]: I suspect that it’s the constant 90+ degree heat with 90% humidity that drives people insane. And within that heat, you have a good number of people who have the job of getting dressed up in big heavy furry costumers to get tormented by small children, according to the orders of a long-dead Nazi sympathizer. Is insanity contagious?

  40. widestanceromancer

    Why don’t they fly combustible model airplanes into tall stacks of Korans? That would really smite Allah with our freedumz and ironies.

  41. HedonismBot

    [re=624089]Redhead[/re]: I will make room on my reading list. I’ve heard of Carl Hiaasen, at least. Can you recommend a good book of his?

  42. actor212

    It’s nice to see Tony Sirico stretching his acting chops and proving he can handle a role that isn’t Paulie Walnuts.

  43. TrailerSpawned

    Oh, someone vandalized their “Islam is of the Devil” signs. Oddly enough, they suggest that perhaps the homosexuals did it. Because they hate free speech.

    Well, he’s got a point there. There are no two greater natural allies than the American homosexual and the radical Islamist. Thick as thieves they are!

  44. ImBarb

    Do ya get the feeling that Moses dropped a commandment tablet and didn’t notice?
    Thou shall not be douchey!
    Damn you, Charlton Heston!

  45. Geogre

    [re=624066]user-of-owls[/re]: Indeed, I think anything written right-to-left is flammable, or inflammable, as far as they’re concerned, because God began creating on the left side of the Earth and finished on the right.

    By the way, there really is a guy in Texicus that believes that the King James Version is the only true Bible — truer than the original Greek and Aramaic and Hebrew, because the words were said so the translations would be made by those people in that way to render the real truth for him and his flock to get. Thus, a Bible in any language but Lancelot Andrews’s goes onto the pyre pile.

    (And it ain’t “the South.” The “Bible belt” is a Bible ribbon that goes all over the USA, and television means that thin reading fundamentalism is anywhere.)

  46. thefrontpage

    Apparently, this is being held at Smith Point, and Late Night Shots is the main sponsor.

  47. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=624104]Oblios Cap[/re]: Which was the one where the guy got his hand eaten by a croc or a fish and fitted the stump with a weed-eater? That was my favorite.

  48. just pixels

    Over on facebook, Iche Wang sez “i wish there were 2 planets, one for muslims, and the other for non-muslims.” She’s quite a hottie so I want to go to her planet.

    Anyway, we’ve seen this book burning before in history and it’s never a good sign of things to come. Can you say HITLER NAZIS HITLER HITLER HITLER you broken cross “Christians”? Come to think about it, they probably can say that.

  49. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    You know who fucks 72 virgins every single day? Tim Tebow. And he doesn’t even need to blow up a Spanish commuter train to do it.

    After the first quarter:
    Christianity 42
    Muslins 0

  50. Oblios Cap

    [re=624122]Baldar T Flagass[/re]:

    I’m remodeling the house, so my collection is all boxed up and I can’t answer that. I have the whole catalog.

    I think the one you’re talking aboutis where the hero stabs an intruder with a swordfish bill at the beginning; I’m not sure of the title. The other fellow loses his hand when a barracuda is attracted to his watch and bites it off.

    I love the recurring character of the Governor who becomes a bum with a great smile. Sarah Palin, eat your hookworm-infested heart out.

  51. SayItWithWookies

    Excellent. I’ll also bring one of my bibles, a Book of Mormon and a shoebox full of assorted JW tracts.

  52. AddHomonym

    It’s a good thing that major conservative politicians and media figures don’t fan the flames (ha!) of this kind of thing. Otherwise it could get really out of hand.

  53. BOOBIES!

    [re=624093]JMP[/re]:

    You would think after hearing the “It’s a Small World” song over and over again, they would be brainwashed into believing Earth should be a peaceful, magic kingdom.

  54. Cape Clod

    I hope they do it during a thunderstorm and Pastor Mustache Rides gets zapped by a lightning bolt. That would send a very unsutble message to rest of his flock.

  55. S.Luggo

    Doucy approves.

    Btw, will they burn the King James version or the American Standard version?

  56. notreallyhelping

    Man, I hope someone in Pakistan reads Wonkette. Then they could start burning Bibles. Dueling bonfires! You could see them from space!

  57. PsycGirl

    [re=624065]Katydid[/re]: I’m related to dozens of women just like the person you describe. They’d do a great deal for you, but if demonstrable truth came up against what the pastor said, demonstrable truth would lose by a landslide. These people are the target audience for Fox News.

    Also: “Dove World Outreach Center” anagrams to “A Crocheted Undertow Lover”. I’m certain that’s a euphemism for something.

  58. Lazy Media

    All Christians bear equal responsibility for this church’s actions, just as the New York Muslims who want to build a mosque bear responsibility for 9/11.

  59. PsycGirl

    Having looked at the photo of the sign, I think someone needs to go back on his anti-Parkinson’s meds. Or maybe he meant to indicate that Islam is of the DeVil, probably a misspelling of (Cadillac) DeVille. Why does Gainesville hate Cadillacs?

  60. Redhead

    [re=624098]HedonismBot[/re]: My favorite Hiassen is “Native Tongue,” but that’s probably because it’s about a reporter-turned-PR guy (working for a theme park competing with Disney) and I’m a reporter considering a move to PR. I haven’t read one of his that I didn’t like, though. Same goes for Dorsey.

  61. GOPCrusher

    The header of the webpage reminds me of Heaven’s Gate. And if a Pastor named Jones wanted me to drink fruit punch, I would reconsider any further affiliation with that particular cult.

  62. One Yield Regular

    Does everyone in Gainesville just happen to have a copy of the Quran lying around to burn? Wouldn’t most of them actually have to go out and BUY a copy in order to participate? I think someone needs to suggest to them that they’d probably be directly supporting Hamas by doing this, and thus violating all kinds of Homeland Security laws, not to mention giving profit to heathens and all and making Jesus weep, so they should just drop the whole thing unless they want to end up licking the devil’s tears to slake their thirst in hell.

  63. senoy

    I would just like to offer an apology to all Muslims and any others offended by this group’s behaviour committed in the name of Christianity. It is abhorrent and intolerable and I can only offer my sincerest apologies in the name of those of us in the Christian community who find these activities contrary to the love and decency towards one another preached by Christ. I am sincerely sorry for any distress that these types of people have caused you and hope that you realize that these are a fringe element whose actions we repudiate and they are not indicative of the inclusiveness and love that many of us strive to exhibit towards our fellow man. I can do nothing but beg your forgiveness and encourage those readers who would call themselves Christian to refrain from hatred and judgmentalism and join with me in distancing ourselves from such behaviour. Again, I am sorry.

  64. NYNYNY

    Trivia fun: Gainsville, Florida was named after Ed Gein, the serial killer, but they misspelled his name on the original town charter, just like they misspelled every other word on it. It also ranks as #1 in the U.S. in per capita felonies committed while wearing a furry costume, closely beating Orlando, St. Petersburg and Miami, which all tie for #2 and rather enjoy a close beating.

  65. Barrelhse

    [re=624078]HedonismBot[/re]: I’m not from FL, but I always suspected it had something to do with the oranges and sunshine.

  66. Accordion-o-rama

    The church has erected an “Islam is of the devil” sign in their front yard, which people in the town don’t really like — even though it is, as Jones told the Gainesville Sun, “a great act of love.”

    Christian love – so close to what atheists call hate.

  67. painter

    I hope Muslim brothers increase the distribution of copies of the Koran and the Prophet Jesus Christ is innocent of these myths diabolical I am quite sure that Terry Jones does not represent the Christian religion at all and this is not the Christian religion, which told us about the Holy Quran .

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