the old college try

Climate Change Is Going to Have to Stop Happening Because Democrats Couldn’t Pass a Bill

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Le sigh. Je pleure.Lindsey Graham told Democrats to “TALK TO THE HAND” and John Kerry freaked everyone out with his desperation, and now Democrats have officially given up on passing a bill that would limit greenhouse gas emissions, as they couldn’t get enough votes. Sorry, Nature! Looks like you’re going to have to figure out how to stop climate change yourself and stop depending on the U.S. government to solve all your problems. Go back to your public housing shack and try to find a job or something.

But hope is not lost, Democrats say!

Instead, Democrats, according to sources, will push for a more limited bill that would seek to increase liability costs that oil companies would pay following spills such as the one in the Gulf of Mexico and would create additional incentives for the purchase of both natural gas vehicles and products that can be used to reduce energy use in homes.

Wow, that will do the trick.

Well, keep trying, environmentalists. You’ll save the world one of these days, or maybe all life will die. You’ve gotten it down to two possible outcomes at least, so that’s pretty good. No need to get all hasty.

It is pretty amazing that Congress would even consider passing legislation in July, as this month is very close to Election Day in November. Usually members of Congress spend 90% of their time just trying to get re-elected, and more effort than the norm has been put into actually passing legislation since 2008, it seems.

John Kerry will now sigh loudly, cover himself in oil, and self-immolate in protest. And nobody will notice for a few weeks. [WP]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Doglessliberal

    The WORLD will be fine. WE will all just die from boiling, drowning, starving, or choking on bad air. And it will be a progressively shitty place to live as we get to that stage. Oh, a lot of us will die in the Great Water Wars, also.

  • Chernobyl Soup

    Mother Nature foresaw this turn of events and just cold started dumping all her fossil fuels into the oceans. Run your SUV’s with that mix, bitches.

  • Hedley Lamar

    Hayduke Lives! (But not in congress.)

  • JMP

    How did the Democrats even think they could pass it when the Republicans hold a -18 seat majority in the Senate?

    Seriously, the filibuster is utter shit and fucking us all.

  • SayItWithWookies

    AIG: Too big to fail.
    Nature: Eh, we’ll get by.

  • norbizness

    Elections have consequences, so long as there are no consequences.

  • Serolf Divad

    “It is pretty amazing that Congress would even consider passing legislation in July, as this month is very close to Election Day in November.”

    Dems are just enjoying the priviledge while they still can. Come January they’ll be on their knees 24/7 giving Joe Lieberman BJs in hopes that he won’t joing the GOP in overturning presidential vetos of legislation repealing the Emancipation Proclamation and women’s suffrage.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=623615]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh, jesus, between the Newt/Sex comments on that posting and this, I am not going to eat for the rest of the day.

  • mcc

    What’s mostly bothering me here is that this is the bill we gave up on immigration reform for. Harry Reid had an immigration reform bill all worked out and ready to go once the finance reform bill passed. Then Lindsay Graham was like, nuh uh, if you do immigration reform first then I won’t vote for your energy bill. Now he’s not voting for the energy bill anyway.

    I wish the EPA would just say forget congress and start regulating CO2 under its existing statutory authority.

  • Extemporanus

    Everyone knows you don’t change climates mid-race.

  • oldguy

    Or go talk to Lindsey’s Graham hand. Maybe you can get a hand job.

  • An Outhouse

    Maybe Nature can do us all a favor and send a lightning bolt, earth quake, and a giant hail storm to destroy the Senate chamber during some well populated session. This will also stimulate the mortuary industry. If the gov’t is going to pay people to dig holes, then more people to fill them in, they might as well stick a senator in that hole while they’re at it. (except Al Franken)

  • iwillsavethispatient

    [re=623613]SayItWithWookies[/re]: To be fair, Nature itself will get by. It’s just whether that Nature is comfortably human-habitable is what is at stake.

  • ShamWow

    [re=623615]Serolf Divad[/re]: at least those BJ’s will keep his virginity intact.

  • jon c

    well, Al Gore might have fucked some masseuses, so global warming isn’t a problem anymore anyway.

  • V572625694

    [re=623651]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Exactly. Human life is overrated. If you don’t believe it, just watch “Dancing with the Stars.”

  • pondscum

    [re=623609]JMP[/re]: Have they really filibustered? (is that a word?)Or have they just talked about it. I want the Dems to force an actual filibuster. I want to see a republican senator stand up and talk non-stop about something to avoid a vote. Real, actual filibustering. Not just a threat to do so.

  • slappypaddy

    tis an ill wind that blows a planet no good. gaia will take the water from the melted ice caps to scrub us from off her face, as though we were the dried vomit, spilled wine, and snot and tears and blood left from a night so wild and dismal, it will not be remembered even ruefully.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=623638]oldguy[/re]: handjobs are GAY! says that wonketter who was in the letters to the editor thingee.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=623651]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: I would definitely bet that, after we leave the scene, some sort of homeostasis will return eventually — so yeah, nature will get by. The problem is the part between now and the eventual stability — wherein we make our lives increasingly miserable and horrific due to the population, trash, and results of looking for more energy that beats nature down like it was some old guy pulling around an oxygen tank who gets mugged in a dark alley. But I was generalizing for effect in my previous comment.

  • dex

    lindsey graham WANTS it to get warmer. that way it’ll start raining men, halleujah.

  • Oldskool

    This is good news! Rising temps are making marmots in Colo fat, whatever the hell marmots are. But they’re cute enough that they deserve to be huge, just like the rest of Merka.

  • JMP

    [re=623603]Doglessliberal[/re]: [re=623651]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: The world was hotter back in the time of the dinosaurs, so therefore global warming won’t be a problem; it’ll only take a couple hundred thousand years for our descendants to adapt to the new temperatures; or a few million to go aquatic, since almost 90% of the Earth’s surface was ocean then.

  • iwillsavethispatient

    [re=623672]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I have a feeling that there’s a joke along the lines of “So, you have been to New Jersey” in there.

  • iwillsavethispatient

    [re=623678]JMP[/re]: Also, the dinosaurs had a completely unregulated free-market based economy, so good news for Republicans.

  • snideinplainsight

    The democrats should pass a BUFFALO BILL – Andre Reed, say. That guy can catch anything.

  • x111e7thst

    [re=623676]Oldskool[/re]: Fancy groundhogs.

  • Suds McKenzie

    This is good news for Bartertown.

  • Enslave the Whales

    Well, fuck.

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    This is good. Now I can get back my plans to burn fat Americans for energy. It’s the new whale oil!

  • JMP

    [re=623721]snideinplainsight[/re]: But if the Dems go with a Buffalo Bill, they’ll make it to the final round of votes then lose four years in a row.

  • Can O Whoopass

    Dick Cheney told James Watt he was fed up with those damn bats in his cave dumping guano all over his 2-story high SUV, with the built-in Karl Rove disco and Nancy Reagan horse trough and wanted to nuke Yosemite for coal but Bush said “No” cause Putin liked the Sierra beer.
    Fuckin’ Bush.

  • slowhansolo

    Gawd, I KNOW, Mr. Davis! I mean, how could I lose? We had all the ideas! Elimination of study hall? Helvetica Starlight Cotillion? Compulsory Model U.N.? And sweet Susie Hammerhead and her little coven of dingleberries had, like, nothing! *sniffle* Those well-heeled populars! I just hate the way they stick together to spite all sense and logic. *sniffle* But it’s OK, I GUESS. Soon we will be adults. And the day will come when the geeks get THEIR DAY running things. Then we’ll show ’em.

  • Brendan

    Finally. No more of the hippie stuff about climate change. We don’t need none of this unconstitutional (read democrat-introduced) legislation! we can tell climate change to cut it out the good old fashioned american way!

    We only make up 40% of the world’s military spending. Add 10%, all aimed to pressure the climate to do what we want.

    Perfect. Refudiated.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Anyone else remember last winter when it was snowing a lot and the right-wingers kept claiming that it was definitive proof global warming was a myth?

    Well, fuck them.

  • zhubajie

    [re=623672]SayItWithWookies[/re]: What do you think made Venus and Mars as uninhabitable as they are?

  • Baldar T Flagass

    Well, thank goodness I am old enough that I probably won’t be alive when the shit really hits the fan, and probably won’t have to put up with Wez and Lord Humungus and Aunty Entity and the Nightrider showing up at my HOA meetings.

  • Snarko Marx

    Oh well. It’s not like the human race deserves saving anyway. I am kind of bummed for all the other species of animals and plants though. Not to mention the Earth itself.

  • MsQuasimodo

    [re=623650]An Outhouse[/re]: Exceptions for Al Franken and Bernie Sanders, plz. I think there’s a lady Senator from someplace who is A-OK, too.

    Mother Nature needs to come up with better pestilences than AIDS and Ebola to wipe out a significant portion of the human race. That would be a start in saving herself before utter long term species and climate annhilation. Come on, Mother Nature! Show your “survival of the fittest” street cred before its too late!!!

    I need to start drinking now to get global destruction and those images of Liebermann out of my head…

  • The Goracle

    You Libtards crack me up!!! The liberal elite to save us from ourselves . . . again! Shut the fuck up, idiots.