OILY PELICANS  5:13 pm July 22, 2010

The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94

by Garrett Quinn

  • HOW THE FUCK AM I GONNA FLY AWAY FROM THE DEATHSTORM IF YOU DON'T GET THIS FUCKING OILY GUNK OFF MY FEATHERS BITCH?After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size it will be known as Bonnie. Meanwhile, near the Land of Drug Cartels, another deathstorm is forming, but its current status is illegal until further notice. Admiralissimo Allen has decreed that the Wondercap will remain closed in the event of a major storm. Track the storm with USA Today’s fancy graphic. [NOAA]
  • Dead turtles gonna be all over the place.

  • In hearings before appointed officials in shiny suits with polished medals and brass buttons, officials from BP and the Halliburton Weather Machine Corporation talked about why they thought it was a good idea not to spend $7 million-$10 million on some tie-back barriers and liners so in the future they could spend $4 billion cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico. [Times-Picayune]
  • The Chinese are using rakes and chopsticks to clean up their epic oil spill off their northeast coast. Read the WaPo headline. Aren’t you dirty communists happy you live in a capitalist country where we use absorbent pads and movie stars to clean up our petrol disasters? [Washington Post]
  • Rob Marciano shares just how difficult and slow it can be, trying to clean up an oil spill. Welcome to the club, Rob! [CNN]
  • Reporter goes to “female oil wrestling” night at a local bar with oil spill cleanup workers and is somehow shocked by the alcohol-fueled debauchery she finds. [Mother Jones]
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GOPCrusher July 22, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Sheeeet, I’m moving to Grand Isle, LA. I haven’t seen female oil wrestling since the early 80′s.

slappypaddy July 22, 2010 at 5:34 pm

mother jones is always shocked by debauchery and always goes in search of it. it’s how she gets all tingly and wet.

SayItWithWookies July 22, 2010 at 5:35 pm

Upstairs, on the open-air deck, the supervisors and professional contractors drink. One comes over to talk; he calls me a Yankee when I don’t get that when he says “animals” he means black guys. Another tells us about the crime-prone “monkeys.” I have already stopped counting how many times I’ve heard the n-word on Grand Isle today.

Oh, this should work out wonderfully. And BP will no doubt advertise this as its way of “bringing people together” — though mostly angry drunk racists and disgusted black contractors from out of town.

Einstein' July 22, 2010 at 6:57 pm

The good news is that Bonnie will pick up all the oil and drop it on Texas. Hooray!

Sharkey July 22, 2010 at 7:24 pm

Uh oh, it’s headed straight for Alaska!

President Inaugural Balls July 22, 2010 at 7:45 pm

“When we stop by the office of the island’s biggest seafood distributor, he tells us that two days ago a bunch of black guys and a bunch of white guys got into a big fight at the bar. It spilled out all over the street and had to be broken up by a ton of cops.”

Excellent reporting Mother Jones!

themcw July 22, 2010 at 9:49 pm

[re=623802]Sharkey[/re]: The female oil wrestling?

Sharkey July 22, 2010 at 10:28 pm

[re=623873]themcw[/re]: Its oil-absobing properties.

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