it's morning in america

Bush Administration Never Did Anything Bad, It Turns Out

  • Walks the streets a free man, foreverWe already know that nobody who worked for George W. Bush ever committed any kind of war crimes or did anything illegal in starting the Iraq War, because surely if they had the Democrats who control the Congress and the White House would have done something about it. Now we also learn that, when all those U.S. attorneys were fired in Bush’s second term, sparking lots of whining from people who care about that sort of thing, that was perfectly legal as well. Hooray for Alberto Gonzales, who won’t go to jail but instead will remain on the outside doing, uh, whatever it is he does these days! [NYT]
  • China, always making “knock-off” versions of American products, has announced that it has its very own horrifying oil spill to worry about. [CNN]
  • A man running for the Republican Senate nomination in Colorado announces that his boots are covered with feces, and that he is not a drag queen. [WP]
  • Shelly Capito, considered the Republicans’ best candidate for Robert Byrd’s West Virginia Senate seat, has decided not to challenge the mighty masculine chin of Governor Joe Manchin. However, Manchin will face a fellow Democrat, Ken Hechler, a 95-year-old former Congressman mostly running to oppose the lovely practice of mountaintop removal. [NYT]
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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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57 comments

  1. Serolf Divad

    Ah yeas… Alberto Gonzales… one of a handful of Bush Amdinistration officials who, one suspects, were hand picked to make Bush look smart in comparison.

  2. nappyduggs

    O! How perfectly toothsoome would it be if Alberto Gonzales got pulled over by some bored-ass police cop in Arizona, and then maybe deported, and then maybe that law got reversed, but not for his sorry behind?

  3. HedonismBot

    The Democrats may not be prosecuting the Bushies, but at least the Obama Administration closed Guantanamo, and discontinued Bush’s policies on extraordinarily renditioninging terror suspects to third-world countries where tinpot dictators can torture them at will!
    Oh. Wait.

  4. TGY

    [re=623009]proudgrampa[/re]: 166 square miles compared the the BP spill at 2700. At least they miniaturized it.

  5. Monsieur Grumpe

    I bought a bratwurst from a street vender the other day and I’m fairly certain it was Gonzales. I didn’t ask. He only carried the crappy yellow mustard.

  6. FMA

    [re=623014]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Problem is, apparently, neither do a lot of other people.

  7. mumblyjoe

    Horray, Gonzales made “misleading statements” to congress, that “didn’t rise to the level” of perjury, unlike that horrible Bill Clinton who didn’t consider a blowjob to be “sex”. Which was [i]obviously[/i] purjury, because he hasn’t been a teenager since well [i]before[/i] the 70′s.

  8. Sgt. Biyatch

    Alberto Gonzales and John Woo are both teaching at Texas Tech and UC Berkley, respectively. So, the moral of this story is to get a JD, advocate torture, and your future in academia is assured.

  9. x111e7thst

    If Ken Buck was a drag queen he might be able to get him some of that sweet sweet buttsexin he so obviously craves.

  10. pondscum

    That picture looks way too much like Blago. Has anyone ever seen Gonzales and Blago in the same room at the same time?

  11. ManchuCandidate

    Enjoy those corporate gigs and teaching job at Hahvah, Gonzo…

    Oh wait. What do you mean that being W’s biggest lackey hasn’t showered you with gold?

  12. JMP

    Hey, don’t you pay attention to our glorious media? Anything bad that happened during Bush’s administration was either Clinton’s fault or retroactively Obama’s.

  13. Baby who ate the Dingo

    [re=623012]proudgrampa[/re]: As a lawyer-type person, he should be force fed Latinisms, like “Ede Cacam et morer:” Also, eat shit and die, but in a final sentence way. From the judge before incarceration.

  14. norbizness

    95 years old? To replace the 137-year-old Robert Byrd? Maybe all that stuff about inhaling coal dust being bad for your health was all wrong!

  15. norbizness

    P.S. I have it on good authority that Gonzales had to sit on three phone books to get himself a credible, microphone-reaching altitude at Senate hearings.

  16. oh hi mark

    Now I wonder how the Chinese will treat whoever was in charge when the spill happened…something tells me that person won’t attend yacht races anytime soon.

  17. freakishlystrong

    [re=623031]JMP[/re]: I know. I simply don’t recall this thing called the “Bush Administration”. Per Doucheborough, Democrats and Clinton started the Iraq war and we all know that Afghanistan is Obama’s War.

  18. norbizness

    [re=623024]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: To the extent one considers Texas Tech “academia,” rather than “a series of buildings designed to impede the progress of runaway tumbleweeds.”

  19. Baby who ate the Dingo

    And regarding the picture….

    “Gonzales acknowledged in his autobiography today that he was indeed wearing his astronaut diapers during his confirmation hearings, primarily so he could outlast the senators in a game of potty-chicken, thereby showing his stoutworthy intestinal fortitude, especially when it was acknowledged that his colon and bladder were bigger than his intellect.”

    “In this picture, he is not pondering an answer, but rather making boom-boom. Hence the enigmatic Mona Lisa smile.”

  20. carlgt1

    [re=623024]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: I never quite understood Berkeley hiring torturer Woo – considering it’s such a bastion of left-wing liberalism. At least walking around Berkeley you’ll see “Woo == Torturer” signs. Whereas I imagine Gonzales at Texas Tech is lauded as a hero.

  21. Sgt. Biyatch

    [re=623030]weejee[/re]: According to our friend Wikipedia:
    Alberto Gonzales: “Contemporary issues in the executive branch”
    John Yoo (not Woo): International Civil Litigation, international law, Constitutional law, foreign relations law, civil procedure, international trade, separation of powers law.

    They both also offer a 2-week seminar in “How to advocate torture, escape legal prosecution and settle into academia.”

  22. Sgt. Biyatch

    [re=623037]norbizness[/re]: Touche. Texas Tech is no University of South Carolina. Or University of Idaho, for that matter.

  23. harry palmer

    [re=623012]proudgrampa[/re]: “I wish Gonzales would eat shit and die.”

    I’d prefer he hang around a while and savor the taste.

  24. charlesdegoal

    “Immoral” and “reprehensible” is not necessarily “unlawful” but there is a price to pay nonetheless. Enjoy the afterlife, fuckers.

  25. KilgoreTrout_XL

    All I remember is how everyone said “troops” for eight years, except they said it “troopsch”, and then they told me I was unamerican and that I ought to fuck off and die. It was pretty good times I guess.

  26. Terry

    The Chinese oil spill. Did you see the photo where they had the guy swimming down through the oil and water to try and turn a valve by hand? No protection. Just a guy swimming in clothes.

  27. harry palmer

    [re=623047]Terry[/re]: He was probably the equivalent of Tony Hayward. If the BP spill had happened in China, when he said he wanted his life back, it would have had a whole new meaning.

  28. Baby who ate the Dingo

    I still fondly remember Prof. Gonzo telling us in class that some omlettes were made, but dealing with terrorists is like farting in the bathtub while holding a lit match: It’s the bubbles that catch fire, not the lawyers.

  29. FlownOver

    [re=623040]carlgt1[/re]: Depends. Can he play football?

    ‘Cause otherwise, Alberto who?

  30. JackDempsey

    Is the teevee reception in WV so fuzzy that these cadavers-in-waiting look like “a young Tab Hunter” to the otherwise sharp-as-a-tack voters?

  31. Geogre

    “Fredo” Gonzales was a man made in W’s own image: thoughtless, silent, and oozing into positions other people carved out for him. Indeed, he could get nominally cleared of knowing anything, but that would argue only,
    1. He was and is a largely unemployable dummy
    2. The entire administration did everything it could to not document anything it did, preferring PowerPoint to paper, e-mail to documents, and GOP.com e-mail to .gov e-mail
    3. The administration was fond of editing its own evidence.

    So, a finding of “not proven guilty” is hardly a finding of innocence. Nixon was not proven guilty. They didn’t prove Reagan’s guilt in Iran-Contra, either.

  32. Geogre

    [re=623040]carlgt1[/re]: Yoo was teaching at Berkeley before he worked for the government. In academia, if one leaves a position to serve the government, there is usually an agreement in place. If not, the U. will still feel that, from an academic freedom point of view, it must consider an individually solely on the basis of publications.

    What should happen is that Yoo’s classes never make.

  33. PsycGirl

    And to think that Gonzales was once considered a potential Supreme Court justice. That kind of sums up the Bush II administration for me. Except for the war thing.

  34. Terry

    [re=623024]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]:
    “So, the moral of this story is to get a JD, advocate torture, and your future in academia is assured.”

    I wonder if either of them will try to make a dissertation defense a wee bit tougher. Say, waterboarding a PhD candidate while asking the person questions about their research.

  35. Prommie

    Gonzo’s stupidity and cupidity were so blaringly evident when he testified, he made Condoleeza sparkle-pony look competent and honest in comparison. Which is not an easy thing to do.

  36. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Did the term “failing up” even exist before bush?

    [re=623020]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: what is it with you liberals and your elitist mustard fetish?

  37. Sgt. Biyatch

    [re=623083]Terry[/re]: As long as no bodily organs are irreparably damaged and/or result in death, professors have the legal right to do anything in their power to make sure dissertations are properly defended. Luckily, lawyers don’t have dissertations.

    We forgot also Jay Bybee, who’s a federal judge in Oakland.

  38. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=623034]norbizness[/re]: Also, all the busy scribbling away on his notepad he was doing during those sessions: not notes to himself as you might obviously conclude, but in actuality stick figures with oversized genitalia, a la Jackie Treehorn.

  39. Surfeit O'Hubris

    Speaking of the previous administration, is there any word on the Vice President of the Undead?

  40. WhatTheHeck

    Deputy Prime Minister Clegg of Gt Britain recently said the 2003 invasion of Iraq was illegal.
    I’m sure if Alberto were still around, Clegg would find himself on a no-fly list. Because criticism of the Bush administration was considered terrorism.

  41. Darkness

    Shit like this makes me long for the Chinese way of dealing with corrupt officials. Also pays down the debt by selling their organs on the black market.

    What the fuck does a douche bag president and administration have to do to actually be fucking criminal anyway?

  42. Gorillionaire

    The really funny part is that the next Rethuglican admin will do it all over again except worse and they will cover their tracks even better.

  43. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    One of those fired US Attorneys is here in San Diego. According to the local NPR station, the prosecutor never even contacted her about this case. So yeah, heckuva job.

  44. GOPCrusher

    [re=623040]carlgt1[/re]: And if he was at the University of Arizona, the campus police would constantly harrassing him by asking for his papers.

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